Alone in my grief

[Karenw215]

My husband died 5/4/15 unexpectedly. We had been together 8 years and married four of those years. We had a genuine love story until he retired and then he got depressed. The last year was very difficult, he was no longer the man I married and nothing helped. He passed away from an unrelated incident and it was sudden. He was in the hospital a month but due to brain damage we never got a chance to talk. He left with no will, four grown children from another marrage, 3 years of unfiled taxes (we filed separately) and four properties that are a financial mess and they are in another state. I have 3 grown children and one of my sons lives with me but he is never here. My husbands children only try to contact me to find out what is happening with the estate since I am the administrator. I don't hear from anyone and I have a very stressful job in management made more stressful by my personal life. I love my husband and the shock is just wearing off after three months. He's gone, through his depression I just looked forward to the time when the man I danced with while we made dinner together, my friend who's shoulder I could rest my head on, my project partner who would stand by me to insure my safety as I hung curtains, my roadie as we traveled and he showed me new places, he's gone forever. My heart's broken and I'm angry too, then I'm guilty over being angry and I feel disloyal. No one calls me and my grief, sorrow and anger made it necessary I take a leave of absence from work. I am overwhelmed by everything and lawyers & accountants are so expensive I have to try and do as much as I can myself. I went into therapy and I'm in an intensive out patient program. I just finished my first week and it is helping, just having a break of sorts helps. I just feel so alone. 

[iPraiseHim]

Karen,rest assured, that you are not alone.  In one week, it will be six months since my wife "suddenly" died.  This is a safe place to share and you have many friends in this forum.  All the feelings and emotions are real and you will find your way of coping with the grief.  Read the post of many here and you will find ways that can help you.  None of us chose this path but we can find a way through it.  You need to rest, eat moderately, exercise and find what works for you.  This forum is a God send because you will discover that you are not alone. I find that writing to my wife helps me to deal with her death and it may help you too,  Please keep coming back and share, (when you are able), what is going on, any questions you may have or just to vent. I will be praying that God gives you the peace that passes all understanding to help you.  Shalom, George

[KATPILOT]

Karenw  welcome. I am sorry your loss is why you are here but trust that you will feel more comfort wen you need it most.      I was at my lowest at three months. Perhaps because I was getting past the initial shock but I found help and if you are in counseling, you've made it that far. Now you must go a little further. One step at a time. One day at a time.   It is difficult when you must handle so many issues and tasks on your own. I know, because I found I could even though I had many doubts. Try not to make decisions quickly. Rarely is their a time restriction to keep you from thinking things out.  You will get through this. It may be very hard and it may be terribly sad, but you are not alone. You are truly not alone.

Stephen

[kayc]

Karen,

You are alone no longer, we are here and you only have to wait a bit to get an answer.  Some days this place is flooded and other days it's quiet but almost always, someone will be along shortly to answer.  I am so sorry you lost your husband.  With that comes so many secondary losses, as you're discovering.

I'm glad you filed taxes separately and wish you well getting it all straightened out.

It sounds like you had about the time frame we did...we were together 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months when my husband George passed.

It's okay to feel anger, it's just an emotion and we have all kinds of emotions to deal with, some of them seemingly at odds with each other but all of them valid.  

I'm glad you're able to take a break from work, I had two weeks off to deal with things and then had to be back at work. I was in a job that was high stress and perfectionist and it was hard to focus as well after he died.

Remember to take care of yourself, drink plenty of water, eat something healthy, take walks, try to get regular sleep if possible...see a doctor if you can't sleep.

We'll be here to walk this grief journey with you if you'll let us.

[Katiewri]

Karen, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm with you on how difficult the last 3 months have been.  4/29/15. We were married for 39 years; together for 40. It's the little things that still cause me to dissolve in tears.  Little reminders of my loss. I'm glad you're going to therapy;  I'll be joining a group soon, hopefully it will help.  Early on, a grief counselor told me it would "hit" at the 3-6 month mark.  Yep.  It's forever. I hate this.  If it weren't for my grandsons, I wouldn't see the point of going on.  So I get where you are.  I still can't make decisions very easily.   I avoid places/events we went to together (that's hard after 40 years!).  But we will get through this tunnel.  I have to believe there's light at the end of it - we just don't know how long it will take to get there or how bright it will be. 

the anger - one evening soon after, I came home from a meeting and called out "I'm home!" like I always did - immediately burst into tears and yelled, "Why the hell aren't you?"  Curled up on the couch, sobbing tears followed.

Keep reaching out.

Katie

[Dew's Girl]

Karen, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.  I know it is difficult.  You have found a place with amazing, compassionate, and understanding people.  They have made things easier for me and I hope you find the same here.

Amy

[debi.williams]

Karen, I am so sorry for your loss and can say that I know exactly how you feel and mean it. My beloved partner died very suddenly from a brain haemorrhage less than 1 month ago. We have one beautiful 15 year old son together. We are both devastated beyond words and feel totally lost. He was a huge character and used to make us laugh every day. He was a man who loved us both unconditionally. Sometimes the pain is so great I wonder how I can keep breathing. My son has become very quiet when he used to be so chatty. He had the most wonderful relationship with his Daddy 'my boy' as he was called. We were not married and he didn't leave a will. We didn't have much but love so there is no cash. He left a one man taxi company behind which I am fighting to keep for our son's sake and in the hopes that it can generate some much needed income for us. I live in Europe in Brussels Belgium and the amount of paperwork required is staggering. Of course there is always one vital paper missing. I have no idea how my son and I will survive financially. It is too much to have to think about when all I want to do is sit in a room and cry.

[kayc]

Debi,

I'm sorry for you and your son's loss.  Even without a will, I would think it'd go to next of kin, your son, and being a minor, I'd think you'd be the trustee.  Is there any kind of social department that could be of help?  My heart goes out to you, you're right, the loss is enough without having to worry about how you'll survive.