My Sue I Grieve For You, My Wife, My Love

[JeffNH]

It's been nearly a month since I lost my wife Sue to a sudden heart attack.  I am lost without her.  We were the couple that still held hands after 30+ years of marriage even when we were just going to the shops.  Each and every day I told her that I loved her.  Even when we did argue there was always a moment when we stopped and realized how silly it was to be doing it.  I'm not saying that we didn't have our bad times.  We did.  But we always ended up finding each other again.  And I felt that each time we lost each other to re-find ourselves our love grew stronger.  I spent my entire adult life from the age of 17 looking after Sue and making sure she was safe.

Is it natural to have regrets about the past?  So many things that I've said and done I would want to undo.  The day she died we started the morning sitting on our deck having coffee and talking about what we were going to do that day.  Sue wanted to take our daughter Becky to a horse riding place to buy her new boots and pants.  For some reason that I'll never understand I chose to stay at home that day.  Just before she left to go she was having a problem with the GPS and called for me to come help.  I must have said something because she said it wasn't very nice of me.  But I wasn't saying it to her.  I was saying it to the silly GPS which had lost her route.  Thankfully I remember kissing her and telling her that I loved her.  And then they drove off for the day.  To this day I regret not going with them.  I should have just left the tidying up and gone.

When they got back to the house Sue said that she wasn't feeling very well.  So I had her sit down and made her some lunch.  I was pretty irritated because Sue had gone out without having any lunch and it was now around 2:30.  Sue was a diabetic.  Sometimes I got irritated or cross because I could see that she wasn't taking care of her health like she should.  I made her a sandwich and sat her down on the Sofa.  She got up  a couple of times and felt dizzy.  I should have known something else was wrong.  When it happened I thought she was having a seizure.  When she was younger Sue suffered from epilepsy.  So I went to sit with her on the sofa and made sure that she had nothing in her mouth.  When she started to breath strangely I knew something else wasn't right.  I called 9/11 and the lady on the other end talked me through doing CPR while we waited for the paramedics to come.  My Daughter Becky who is special needs came into the room and saw me doing CPR on Sue.  I told her that Mum was going to be OK but she needed to go and wait out on the deck.  

I'll never really know when exactly I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, perhaps I'll never really know.  The paramedics came and managed to get Sues heart started again.  They transferred Sue to the local hospital.  At that point I still had hope that everything would be OK and that she'd be back home again soon.  The rest of that day became a blur.  I remember the doctors saying that they had managed to get a stint in one of the main arteries but that Sue's heart had stopped multiple times.  I remember that the doctor said she was stabilized and that they were going to do a brain scan later that morning and that we should go home and sleep.  I remember that we drove home.  Then I remember the call from the doctor saying that we needed to come back in.  I remember some friends being there with us.  I remember the doctor telling us that there was no hope ... did I really believe that?  Why did I?  Why didn't I fight more?  I can see myself accepting what they said.  The doctor told us that due to the lack of oxygen Sue had suffered an anoxic brain injury and her brain was now swelling.

I went back into Sue's room with my daughter and son Brad to sit with her to the end.  The nurse on duty said that we could take as much time as we needed to say goodbye.  During that time sue started bleeding out of her mouth and nose.  We took it in turn to wipe away the blood.  Still hoping to make things better.  I should have talked to Sue more, perhaps I could have bought her back from the brink?  There were so many people that loved her and she had so many things yet to do with her life.  The doctor came in and we turned the machine off at 4:30 in the morning.  Sue stopped breathing immediately ... when the doctor came in and said sorry for your loss.  I was numb, my children were crying at the loss of their mother.  All I could say was It's alright.  But my son was right It wasn't alright.  They'd lost their mum.  I'd lost the one person in this world that made sense of it all.  I'd lost my wife, my soulmate, my best friend.  Nothing could be alright about it.

It's now nearly a month gone by and not a moment goes by that I don't think of Sue.  I've never really been religious ... spiritual perhaps but not religious.  But I pray in my own way that she is alright.  I pray that wherever she is that she is being looked after and that she doesn't worry.  I pray that one day I'll see her again and that she knows how much she is loved.  I pray that she knows how much I love her and how much I miss her.  I pray that we will be together again one day.

Love you Sue

[Dew's Girl]

Jeff, 

My heart goes out to you.  I know what you are feeling.  The first few months are like trying to breathe under water.  I hope that finding others here who have been where you are provides some measure of comfort.

Amy

[KATPILOT]

Jeff, I hope you can take a minute and think about how we haven't all that much control in these situations. I am certain that nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. So many of us have had the "what if's"  and 'if only I hads", but it wouldn't have changed things. You told her you loved her that day. That's a good thought worth holding onto.  I can only tell you that when I was in those first few months, nothing made sense and I kept replaying what happened trying to figure out what was a dream and what was reality. If only I had done things differently. I'll call it shock for lack of a better word. My thoughts are with you and your children for the road is not an easy one. Here you can talk with others who truly understand the pain. You can find tools to help you and this is really important: find a grief counselor if you feel overwhelmed. I thought I could make it but I needed help. Do what you need to take care of yourself.  As time goes by there will be plenty of opportunity to address all the other issues.

Just so you know, Sue knows how much you love her. Don't worry about that.  I'm not a religious person either but I can tell you for certain there is something on the other side.  Welcome to the club you should never have had to join but you are not alone. You're definitely  not alone.

[JeffNH]

Thank you both so much for the supportive comments.  I've been trying everything to at least make some sense of it all.  Sometimes I think I'm going mad.  I've had people tell me that I have to be strong for the kids and that life goes on.  And I know that what people say about it is probably true.  I even had one of my friends say that I need to put the past behind me and find another love.  But I just can't.  Sue was my one and only forever love.

Does having a grief counselor help?  Did you find the first counselor was the right one?  How do they help?  I've started writing to Sue every day.  Maybe it's just for my own sanity or lack of it but I do so hope that she can see the words I write to her.  I've experienced the loss of loved ones in the past when my mother died, Sue's Dad died and I lost my grandmother ... but this experience seems far far worse.  Heartache and misery doesn't even begin to describe it.

[KATPILOT]

Jeff, yes there is value in grief counseling. When my son lost his fiancé suddenly to heart failure, we had a grief counselor who's office was just next door to my business and she already new us. She helped him a lot when he was so devastated. When I lost my wife four and a half years ago, she had already moved to Chicago so that was no longer an option. My wife died in hospice care so they offered free counseling for a year as part of who they are, a terrific organization. At first I thought I could handle it because I was a man. Yeah right!  By the second month, I was on the floor incapable of functioning. I made the call. I can't tell you what it does for "you", because every one is different and so are counselors. Our dear Marty who runs this sanctuary is of the same caliber of loving souls. I can't remember who in my counseling once suggested sending a card on Valentines day or a birthday so writing your wife would be a comforting thing too. You are right about this loss as being the most horrific. It is and nothing can compare to the anguish you are feeling right now.

I want to ad something about what you are hearing from your friends. If they suggest you find someone new, stay the hell away from them right now. They just don't get it.  You will hear a lot of stupid things in the coming months and for the most part,they mean well but just don't know what it's like. Talk with others here or in grief support groups. You need to be talking with those who relate.  My grief counselor also headed a grief support group and I joined in on that as well. I gained a lot from those bi weekly meetings.  When you share with others, you feel comforted though the first time can be a bit tough. Your children might also benefit from counseling. Let them know it's okay to hurt. You are all going through such a horrible time.  I use to come on here late at night when I couldn't sleep and just read. There are so many threads that cover almost any aspect of emotions and grieving for the loss of a parent  has a lot your children might relate to.  One thing you will begin to understand is that there are an awful lot of souls on this lifeboat.

[Katiewri]

For the first several weeks, I would text his cell phone to tell him things. I said good night and good morning every day. It would chime in response. Eventually I didn't need to anymore. We do what we need to do to survive the minutes.

[kayc]

Jeff,

I am so sorry you lost your Sue.  I can feel your love for her through your words, and your loss as well.  Yes, it's common to feel regrets.  It's so much easier with retrospect but at the time we just thought it was going to be a normal day and we were caught up in life.  My husband also died of a heart attack...I hadn't known he had heart trouble.  He spent three days in the hospital and then died.  I was gone at the time, I'd go to my sisters reunions once a year, the only time we were ever away from each other, wouldn't you know it'd be then.  He didn't let me know because he didn't want to ruin my weekend.  ??!!!

You needn't go through this grief journey alone.  This place has been a lifesaver for me, and we'll walk this journey with you if you want us to.

[scba]

Jeff,

I'm sorry for your loss.  

I've regular meetings with a grief counselor and it really helps me. With time, my grief has become more "private", I don't generally discuss it with my friends or relatives. It's a relief to have someone to talk about it, face to face and without judgments. 

Unfortunately you'll hear hurting remarks from friends and relatives. Know that they mean well (it's requires a huge effort) but they don't understand what it means. I've a list of those, from assumptions about God's will, to statements that in any case my boyfriend was going to die (he's too sick = he'd an expiry date). I've learned not to listen to them anymore. 

Grief, in my opinion, is a journey you cannot escape from it, perhaps be delayed, I read that sooner or later it will emerge. Of course you've to be strong for your sons and life goes on even if we don't want to. But this doesn't mean that you cannot feel the pain, be sad, miss your wife, feel lost, guilty and share your emotions with your family or friends. Life goes on but not in the way they mean (like "closure" / turn on the page). You'll find your own way to go on.

One day at a time. 

 

[iPraiseHim]

Thank you, Jeff, for sharing with us your loss.  We all came here to try to make sense of our spouses passing away. This group of listening, caring, and loving people will listen, share, and give you help in your grief journey.  Most of the advice from family and friends,  (although they mean well), the advice actually helps them relieve their pain because they think they are helping you. Try to get good regular sleep.  I was in such shock when my wife died suddenly that i could only sleep a couple of hours a night.  With the friendly advice of several people here, I was prescribed a light sedative to help my body to relax and rest.  Please continue to come here and read our stories, and share as you are able.  Many people here care and pray for you.  Shalom, George 

[JeffNH]

Thank you friends.  Today is exactly a month since Sue left.  Yesterday was not a good day at all.  But it made me realize that I need to engage with a grief counselor.  Sue and I have joint guardianship of our daughter.  Yesterday I received papers from the court addressed to Sue asking her to fill out the form to terminate the guardianship.  I'd previously gone to the court building with a copy of Sue's death certificate to let them know that I was now going to be sole guardian.  

I guess I kind of lost it a bit because I drove up to the court house and asked to see the office manager.  Needless to say I wasn't in the best of moods.  The office manager said that it had been a clerical error and normally when they get death certificates the standard procedure is to send out a notice to terminate the guardianship.  And apologized.  Normally I don't get angry but yesterday everything just welled up inside.  But instead of carrying on I simply accepted the apology and asked that they please not send any more letters to Sue as she wouldn't be able to answer them.

It did make me realize though that I need to get help with this.  So today I'm going to try and find a local counselor.

[MartyT]

If that was the "push" you needed, Jeff, then I'm glad for you that it happened. The good news is that you've chosen to turn this event into a positive: as the incentive you needed to get yourself the bereavement support you need and deserve. Good for you, and be proud of yourself for being strong enough to acknowledge that.

[kayc]

What Marty said is so true.  I'm sorry you had the experience,

 

I went through similar things.  I tried to cancel George's Paypal account as it was linked with my work email address (it was set up in emergency when our shared home email address wasn't working).  I told them he died.  They asked to talk to him.  That's when I lost it!  I told her I'd love to talk to him too but HE'S GONE!  I asked her if she even listened to a word I said.  She clearly didn't care and no apology, they wouldn't work with me.  So I had to pretend I was him and fax copies of electric bill and driver's license, and that worked!  After TELLING them he was dead, they accepted that from "him".  ??!!  Bureaucracy!   The IRS was way easier to deal with!

I hope you get a grief counselor that you relate well with, I'm sure it'll be of some help to you.

[mittam99]

Sometimes I think I'm going mad.  I've had people tell me that I have to be strong for the kids and that life goes on.  And I know that what people say about it is probably true.  I even had one of my friends say that I need to put the past behind me and find another love.  But I just can't.  Sue was my one and only forever love.

Jeff, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved wife Tammy suddenly on March the 6th and my life seemed to just stop. Those folks who tell you to "move on" or that you "have to be strong"... well... they're simply talking out of their behinds, to put it politely. The fact is that what happened is tragic, it's life altering, and no one but you knows how you feel.  I know people are well meaning but unless they've lost the love of their life, they really don't have a clue.

This grief journey is best taken one day at a time. Just put one step in front of the other and see how it goes.

As far as counseling, it's certainly not a bad idea, just make sure you feel comfortable with your counselor. In person grief groups are another thing to consider and of course forums like this. It all helps. The pain you're feeling is so deep because you loved Sue so much.

I'm only 5 months into my grief journey but I have come to realize one thing. You never "get over" a loss like this. All you can do is wake up in the morning and face the day and see where it takes you.

I wish you all the best.

 

[KeithW]

Hi Jeff

I can truly relate to the loss of your beloved wife as I am still grieving for my wife who passed on about 4 months ago.  The difference is that Jenny had late stage cancer and I have to watch her fight a futile battle and suffer against this dreaded disease over a 6-7 month period. I cannot say which is more or less difficult. We both now have to endure the pain and hurt of our terrible loss and to continue our existence without them in our lives.

I would just like to thank everyone for their postings on this thread. I have only recently stumbled on this grief site and it warms my heart that such sites exist. It certainly assures me that I do not necessarily need to journey alone.  So thanks everyone and take care

Keith

[MartyT]

♥

[JeffNH]

Hi Everyone - Many thanks again for all of the kind words. Thought I'd share my experiences of yesterday with the grief counselor.  I went into the meeting not knowing what to expect or even what I wanted to achieve from going to see a grief counselor.  Perhaps I still don't know now after the first session.  I was shocked or maybe surprised that he was more phased by what had happened to me than other people that knew Sue were.  Not in an empathetic way but almost not knowing what to say.  Not sure why that would be the case.  I know that I relate more to women than I do men.  Mainly because I was bought up almost extensively by my Mum .... Dad was pretty absent almost my entire life.  Perhaps I need to ask for a lady counselor.  Not sure.

Simply just talking with a stranger who had no emotional ties certainly helped to an extent. Went over the 'normal' stages of grieving and tried to identify which of these applied to me.  Talked a bit about spirituality and core beliefs.  But alot of it was a blur ... as is most everything since I lost Sue.

I did find out a few things perhaps about myself.  But finding out about them first I suppose is the first part about being able to either accept or do something about them.  I know that to a large extent that I am going to be treading water either on a permanent basis or at least for the foreseeable future.  That's not a giving up statement simply an acceptance of something I already instinctively knew.  I'm alright being on my own until it's time to leave.  I know that my priority in this life is to ensure that my daughter Becky is taken care of and has a happy and productive life.  Beyond that is part of the great unknown.

I decided to continue with the counselor at the moment.  But I am going to ask if perhaps we can also include sessions with a lady counselor as well.  

Jeff

[kayc]

If you feel more comfortable talking with women, I would go ahead and switch to a lady counselor before you have a lot of time invested with this one, it's up to you and I don't think he'd take offense at all.  The main concern is YOU.

I'm surprised the grief counselor would be surprised or not know what to say, your experience is fairly common to the griever.

[MartyT]

Hi Jeff. I'm not sure what to make of your description of your counselor's reaction to your story, but I encourage you to trust your own good judgment and to listen to what your gut is telling you. If for any reason you don't feel confident about this counselor, you have every right to question him about his qualifications and, if you so decide, to ask for a referral to someone else. Since you refer to this person as a grief counselor, I assume that he is duly qualified, trained and experienced in working with the bereaved. Grief counseling is a specialty unto itself, and not all counselors have that specialized training and experience. (See, for example, Seeing A Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter?) I also agree with Kay: If you know that you'd feel more at ease with a female counselor, it is perfectly acceptable for you to let your counselor know that, too.

[scba]

where I live there aren't grief counselors or supporting groups so I made an appointment with two psychologists, a man and a woman. I picked up the man because he had a more "compassionate" approach to my grief. The woman was very professional, but her first statement was that I was prepared for my boyfriend's death (unconsciously) and that I had to figure out how I was going to continue my life. At that moment (a month after his death) I could not hear anything about my future, my life, or my supposed preparation towards his death (I was NEVER prepared). I felt she has been too direct to me. So I choose to continue with the man because I felt more comfortable with his approach. And I still attend meetings after 11 months. It's been very helpful. This is my experience. KayC is right, the most important thing is how you feel. 

[MartyT]

The experience you describe with that woman is a classic example of what can happen when a counselor has no education, training, or experience in the specialty of grief counseling. (She sounds like a psychologist with a psychoanalytic approach to therapy.) Therapists and counselors are just like everyone else: You cannot know what you do not know, and sadly enough, not all professional therapists and counselors are trained in this specialty. It is up to the consumer to investigate what qualifies a therapist or counselor to offer grief therapy or grief counseling to the public. Like everything else, let the buyer beware. Good for you for having the gumption to recognize and then go after what you needed.

[kayc]

scba,

I agree with Marty, good for you!  We must stand up for ourselves and listen to our inner intuition.  Grief is so all consuming, it's important we attend to it and sometimes that takes a fighting spirit that we may not realize is there...it's about getting to know that fighting spirit and giving ourselves permission to be comfortable with it.

[JeffNH]

Friends - wishing you all every happiness for the new year, my apologies for being absent all this time.  The last few months have been a challenge to say the least.  I got all of the firsts over with during the ending part of the year.  First wedding anniversary without Sue (it would have been 31 years).  Sue's birthday (she would have been 52), My first Christmas without Sue and of course the first New Year without Sue.  I still marvel at being able to get through all of this in just 3 short months without having to visit a rubber room.  I had no luck finding a grief counselor.  But I have managed to find a really good support group locally.  Although the pain hasn't subsided I feel that I can at least acknowledge that it's there and deal with it on a daily basis.  Today it is 6 months since I last saw Sue alive.  I don't know that it actually get's 'better' with time perhaps it just gets different.  

 

[kayc]

Jeff,

I commend you for getting through your wedding anniversary, Sue's birthday (my George also died when he was barely 51), and your first Christmas without her...it seems quite a feat.  It takes a long time to process their death and get used to living alone.  Your grief journey will not be over, but it does evolve over time and we can develop better coping skills.  I'm sorry you were not able to find a grief counselor, they are good at helping you find your way through the maze of grief.  It's good you have a good grief support group, at least it lets you know you are not alone and your feelings are normal.

It's also good that you are able to acknowledge it, and hopefully can express your feelings.

[Guest Janka]

On ‎12‎.‎8‎.‎2015 at 3:55 AM, Katiewri said:

For the first several weeks, I would text his cell phone to tell him things. I said good night and good morning every day. It would chime in response. Eventually I didn't need to anymore. We do what we need to do to survive the minutes.

Katiewri,

I´m sorry for your loss!I know what you mean.I always read the messages from my beloved man Jan.It makes me feel that he is still alive...it makes him alive...he wrote me how much he loves me in every message written in there.I hold you close to my heart.

Hugs from Janka