Grieving Husband

[KeithW]

Hi

My name is Keith and I am from Singapore. I recently lost my beloved wife of 30 years to cancer.  It has been 125 days since she took her last breath and the pain and grief has not abated. I miss her terribly and each day I relive the hurt and pain of watching her health deteriorate over the 6-7 months after she was diagnosed with 4th stage stomach cancer in October 2014.  It was the most difficult period of my life so I thought until she died and now having to live without her each day is a bigger challenge to get through. While the company of friends is helpful, I find that most do not really understand the kind of suffering I am going through. I realised that the best way for me to deal with my grief is by keeping a journal and writing down my feelings.  So far this has worked for me, keeping my sanity and yes, open sharing in forums such as this is also useful.

You may wish to look through some of my postings in my journal and I welcome your comments if you have any. Yours in mourning:(

http://grievinghusband.blogspot.sg/

[kayc]

I am sorry for the loss of your wife.  I lost my husband ten years ago.  I realized after a point that it pretty much stays the same, we have to learn to live with the loss.  It took me probably three years to process it, although it's different for everyone, but the missing him continues each and every moment of my life.

In time, I learned to laugh again, made new friends, took on the everyday challenges of life, paying for and maintaining our home, and learning to live solo without the benefit of a spouse to talk things over with.  The hardest part, for me, was feeling there was no one that cared for me like he had, that I truly am alone, doing holidays, weekends alone.  I'm used to the weekends now, but never have adjusted to the being alone on holidays.  

You're right, friends cannot understand what we're going through unless they've been through it, and even then, their experience might be different than yours.

Journaling is a great way to get your feelings out, I used to do that too.  Now I write here and sometimes I write a letter to my husband.

[KeithW]

Ten years and you are still missing him. He must have been a fantastic and loving husband. I am so sorry for your loss also.

But thanks very much for sharing this and you have perhaps given me a glimpse of the future that I have to deal with. I have been told a few times not to think or worry about the future, which is one of the better advice I had received from my well meaning friends. So for now, my focus is really on the present, to just take a day at a time.  But I am quite resigned to accepting that this journey will be a long long one, even though it is only about 4months plus that Jenny has passed on.  And so far it has been a rather lonely one as you have rightly shared too. And yes, learning to live solo and do things largely on my own without someone to share with appears to be the new mantra, and lifestyle that is forced upon me.

I see that you love singing.  There is a song by Mary Carpenter, called "Learning the World", that I like to share with you and all.  Grief as she sang is really unwanted company on the passenger seat of a long long drive.

 

[MartyT]

"Learning The World"
 

Grief rides quietly on the passenger side
Unwanted company on a long, long drive
It turns down the quiet songs and turns up the din
It goes where you go, it’s been where you’ve been

And pushing your empty cart mile after mile
Leaves you weeping in the wilderness
Of the supermarket aisle
And in the late night kitchen light it sits in a chair
Watching you pretend that it’s not really there

But it is, so it is and you ask
Are you predator or friend
The future or the past?

It hands you your overcoat and opens the door
You are learning the world again just as before
But the first time was childhood
And now you are grown
Broken wide open, cut to the bone

And all that you used to know is of no use at all
The same eyes you’ve always had have you walking into walls
And the same heart can’t understand
Why it’s so hard to feel
What used to be true
What’s now so unreal

But it is, so it is and you say
I wish I were the wind so that I could blow away

Grief sits silently on the edge of your bed
It’s closing your eyes, it’s stroking your head
The dear old companion is taking up air
Watching you pretend that it’s not really there

 

Writer: Mary Chapin Carpenter
Copyright: Why Walk Music 

[kayc]

Thank you so much for sharing that, what a thoughtful thing to do!  That you would take the time and effort to do that tells me a lot about the kind of person you are.

One of the things I learned early on in my grief journey is to not take on the whole of tomorrow, but rather to stay in today.  All of tomorrow is too much for me, but rather I need to be present in today in order to embrace and fully appreciate what is.  Your friend's advice was so right!

Yes my husband was very special...I will miss him all the days of my life as there is no one like him.  So full of zest for life, how ironic that he could be gone just like that!  He was the most special thing that ever happened to me.  But then everyone here feels that way about their spouse, that's why we are the ones here posting...

[KeithW]

You are most welcomed, Kay.

Music has been a key feature of my life since young. I play the guitar, though not good enough to busk for a living and my main and probably sole audience for many years was my darling wife. After she contracted cancer, the guitar and music took a backseat and it stayed that way for weeks after she passed on. The music which resonated so well in the past now sounded dim and off-tune. But recently, I got back to practising my guitar and strumming though not for long. I miss having her around to listen to me, so its more difficult to find the motivation to play. I read and write a little more during the quiet times which I set aside each day to "spend" with her.  But by and large, I am sure my love for music will gradually return. 

Thanks, Marty for putting up the lyrics to Learning the World:)

 

[enna]

Hello, Keith,

I am so sorry to read about your dear Jenny's death. Writing and strumming on your guitar are good ways to work on your grief. I really like the song Learning the World by Mary Chapin Carpenter. Music is something that has helped me through my grief. I lost my beloved Jim after forty years of marriage to Alzheimer's disease. It will be 39 months on the 25th. I focus on more good memories now than earlier in my grief. The quiet times that you set aside to "spend" with your Jenny will continue and will always be such a special time. You will find this place a very sacred place to come and share your thoughts and the love you have for your Jenny. 

Anne

[kayc]

I hope in time you press through and your enjoyment of music returns.  My George was my greatest fan and admirer.  I have a good enough voice, not exceptional, but he always thought I was the best at everything...he looked at me through rose colored lenses as I'm sure your Jenny did.  I feel your love for her shining through your words.

[KeithW]

Thank you Anne for sharing about your loss and how you deal with the grief.  Glad you like the song also.

And thanks again, Kay. I wish I could tell my dear beloved Jenny how much I love her, rather than through writing. But I will have to accept that she could not hear me anymore. She lives now only in my heart and memories.

[KeithW]

Last week was my birthday, the first spent without my dear Jenny. It is now 6 months since she passed on yet the pain is as fresh as it has been the day she died. I had a few more people this year who spent time with me on my birthday, buying me treats or just wishing me well. Still it is hard to be happy in her absence and events such as birthdays make me miss her even more, reawakening painful emotions and I must say it has left me drained.

It is a long and difficult journey and I fear facing the future alone.

[kayc]

Happy (late) birthday, Keith, I'm glad you had people with you.  My birthday has always been hard for me since George died...I will never forget my first one, no one said happy birthday or did anything for me.  It was so lonely and sad, esp. in contrast to my birthdays WITH George.  He always made a big deal of them.  It wasn't about my birthday, it was about missing him and really noticing his absence that day esp.

I've gotten more used to my life alone.  I recently received a proposition, laughable really!  The guy wanted me to come take care of him the rest of his life (he's nearly 73) and he'd "leave me everything".  "He'd even marry me."  Ha!  I was astounded at his lack of social graces and the absurdity!  I managed to keep my cool and replied to him that I kind of like my life the way it is and I couldn't sell my house if I wanted to.  (He'd wanted me to sell my house and help him pay his bills).  The guy's never been married or had children and I guess I can see why...he lived his life alone, for himself, and NOW he thinks about being alone in his old age?!!  What struck me wasn't the absurdity of his hopes, but my INSTANT reply, that "I kind of like my life like it is."  That struck me!  I HAVE gotten used to being alone.  It will never come close to my life with George, but it's far preferable to being with the wrong person!

[Guest]

Happy belated birthday Keith.  I had my birthday three weeks to the day after my Deedo died.  I got up early and drove through the mountains to all of the areas we would frequent together.  I swore on that day I would not cry and somehow I didn't.  My thinking was that Deedo would not want me crying on my birthday, so I didn't.  That is the only day out of the past 83 days that I haven't cried, cried buckets, cried hysterically.  This is exhausting isn't it.

[iPraiseHim]

Day 246.  Yes, Brad, it is exhausting.  My recent weekend trip ,( the first in ten years)  I didn't cry the entire weekend. I soaked in the beauty of the mountains, valleys, sunrises and star gazing.  Three days later , back to crying again... It's a process. I would like to be over it, yet how can I get over missing the love of my life, my beloved wife, Rose Anne.  I find things that used to bug me, (like her always asking me to wash my hands), I now do with a humble smile on my face.  My wife loved Smooth Jazz.  I couldn't listen to it until this month.  I  now find comfort in listening to smooth jazz and remembering her.  Hang in there.  You are moving forward and living in today.  Shalom

[KeithW]

Thanks Kay, Thanks Brad for your well wishes.

Brad, I sometimes wish the tears could just flow. Somehow, for me they couldn't and though oft times my eyes moisten I think holding back the pain from within makes it even harder. I do not get to share my struggles with grief and coping in her absence with many people. They just do not understand and as such I could see they prefer to either avoid me or avoid the topic. Hence much as we are strangers from opposite sides of the world we are more a kindred spirit than the people closer to us.  Do take care in your journey of grief. And I will do to for myself, lonely as it is at times.

Kay, thanks for sharing about that proposition you received.  You are wise not to allow yourself to be drawn into it and be taken advantage of. Your George would be upset if that happens. I think being left alone now, in the sheer absence of our spouses, we could be rather vulnerable. But if we are mindful of this, then we would be better prepared and guarded, not to be drawn into bad relationships that can bring us down. Take care and stay wise even as we grieve...

[kevin]

Keith, I'm on Day 91, and as it appears, still in the learning period of this Grief journey.  Went out and ordered that Mary Chapan album , that is a Tear jerker that just nails it....thanks so much.... KayC, I recommend to everyone to keep the wedding ring on for as long as they want.....it signals  the smart people your intentions,  and really weeds out the stupid ones. There is something to be said for living alone with great memories...and we can talk to your spouse's anytime.....

[kayc]

Keith, I am so NOT interested!  People amaze me sometimes.  It was good for a laugh and as far as I can throw it.    BTW, I had my wedding ring resized over a year ago and draw great comfort in wearing it.

[KeithW]

Good to hear you are in control, KayC. I doubt if I would get into such a situation myself and am not sure if I could be as strong. But it will be hard for any woman to match up with my Jenny, this much I know.

Kevin, I am on day 192, and I am still learning. Hardest of all is learning how to deal with the little crises that pop up occasionally and dealing with them on my own. I'll just have to learn to cope.

Take care

[kayc]

This is someone I've known for over 40 years, he usually "tries" inbetween my relationships but I've let him know repeatedly I am not interested.  Some people read into things what they WANT to see.

[debi.williams]

Keith I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband very suddenly 12 weeks ago to a brain haemorrhage. He was 49 years old. I understand your pain very well. Good for you for getting through your birthday Keith without your lovely Jenny. It is a milestone and so very hard. You are right, people do not understand. It makes them uncomfortable. Only those of us walking this lonely road truly get it. I will certainly read your blog. 

Kay I have just read about your 'proposition' ! It would be laughable if it wasn't so insensitive. He wants you to sell your house and pay his bills? Lord, what a catch he is!! Honestly, the audacity of some people. You had a Rolls Royce (George) you are not going to suddenly choose a Fiat (sad 73year old) now are you? On the other hand Kay, had he been an old fashioned millionaire, with southern manners and a yacht.....just kidding Lord, being a widow is hard x

[KeithW]

Debi, it must have really been difficult for you. The sudden loss of your husband. Not many people can recover from a shock like that. 

We discovered that Jenny had cancer about a year ago and over the following 6 months or so she fought bravely though in vain.  It was a harrowing period even as we tried to keep our spirits up.  Looking back I wished we had prepared better for the eventual departure by discussing her last wishes. It has now been about a year since that fateful day of her diagnosis - a wretched year but not one that I can forget or want to forget either. 

[debi.williams]

I know Keith. I doubt I will ever get over it. 

You are right about being prepared. It is a conversation you wish you had but how difficult it would have been for either of you to start it. That's the problem. In hindsight it would have helped us survivors. I was perfectly capable of having that conversation with my husband because we went through so much grief after my mom passed suddenly but you just don't do you? I am going to write a letter for my son with some advice on how to cope and practically want to do when I pass. I will include some words of encouragement and love for him. I have learned my lessonx

[kayc]

Mine was a shock too, I don't think it's easier one way or another, just different.  When you know they're going to die, you have anticipatory grief to deal with and often the added dimension of loss of purpose when they die if you were their caregiver.  But sudden shock, it jolts your world to the core and it's so hard because you wish you could have had that "last talk".  It's just hard no matter how you look at it.

[Guest]

I received such a letter. Now it gives me mostly comfort but some pain. Th e day will come where it will be all comfort and no pain. 

[debi.williams]

That is what I am working on at the moment Bard. The letter x