Relationship anxiety after loss of boyfriend

[Ampak1124]

About 4 and a half years ago I lost my boyfriend in a car accident. We had been together for almost 5 years and had been living together for 3. I later found out he had been shopping for an engagement ring and we had always talked about our future together.  I am 29 now. 

 

In in general I would say I moved through the grief well... I had already been in therapy for other reasons so upped my frequency, spent so much time with friends and I am lucky to also love my job. I allowed myself to feel and process the ugly feelings but also learned to still enjoy my life and what I had around me. 

I've done some dating but it was not till this past May that I found someone that I could truly picture myself spending a future with.  It has been an amazing time in my life but at the same time it is bringing up so much anxiety that I didn't expect.  Has anyone else had this experience? It is not because of guilt...but more just uncontrollable thoughts and physically sensations of anxiety when I have either not heard from him in awhile, haven't seen him in a few days, or even when we're together and I overanalyze behavior as his disinterest (when it's really nothing).  I keep saying I'm going to snap myself out of it and talk myself through it, recognizing where some of this may be coming from, but sure enough it will happen again.  I have been extremely open with him about my anxiety and its roots and he is understanding which is great.  However, I don't want this to become something that sabotages the relationship.  I am an independent person with a big life around me and I have never wanted to be needy of a man but this anxiety has made me at times.  I worry because he is not over the top physically affectionate or expressive, so I don't want to be constantly searching for those things because in so many other ways he shows me how he feels, and at the end of the day I know this is a ME issue anyway.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  Anyone with this experience? 

 

[kayc]

When you've gone through such a loss of yours, it's not uncommon to experience anxiety because of fear of new loss.  It's so important to not let it cripple you and keep you from experiencing good in your life.  You say you're seeing a therapist, I hope you've brought up this issue and if you have and haven't been helped, please consider seeing a grief counselor that is trained in grief and grief responses.  I have a friend that lost her husband and several years later was experiencing this same anxiety when she was beginning to fall in love with someone who was a good fit for her.  I remember having a talk with her about it...I'm so glad she decided to 'take the chance" to love again, because she would have missed so much had she not.  Shortly after they got married, he discovered a lump in his lymph glads, and while they waited for the biopsy results, I know it was very hard on her, the thought of finally loving someone only to possibly lose them again.  The results came back good.    But even had they not, I don't think she'd want to have missed the time she has had with him or being there for him, he's a very special guy.