So Very Alone, Too Many Deaths

[shubom]

eaglesoaring,

I am sorry to hear about your mom and sorry that you are going through this horrible ordeal. My mom's b-day was feb 10th, and she would have been 57. It hurt so much, because she was planning on going out to eat for her b-day. But of course that didn't happen. Some of the other family members wanted to throw her a small memorial celebration. They approached me saying, "I heard your mom is having a b-day party." When I heard this, I almost passed out. Was I hearing them wrong or what?! I was able to get a grip of myself, and when the day came, I was sort of ok. I went out and got my mom a b-day card and took it too her gravesite to read it too her. It was hard. I didn't do anything like that for my father, but maybe with my mother, I'll get her a card every year if I can. Every day that goes by, I think to myself that it's another day closer to being with her. That's the only thing that's helping me go on right now. I miss her so much. My mom too had dentures at an early age. About a year ago, she busted them, and I bought her new ones. I was so worried about her, because she couldn't eat much of anything. And she cried because she loved food. A month later, she finally got her new dentures and we went to every one of her favorite restaurants to make up for it. We had a great time. I'm telling you this, because my mother's dentures held a lot of memories for me, and I was spared seeing them. Apparently the day she died, she put them on because she was going to the store. But she never made it out. She just laid on the couch and never woke up. If I had seen those dentures, I don't think I would have made it. Too many memories. Just like I'm glad that I didn't save any of her voice messages on my cell phone. I didn't want to hear her voice. She cared about me so much, that hearing her voice would have just killed me.

For me, I've actually moved in with other family members and only go home for a few things. There's just too much memories in my home. All the furniture in my home is my mom and dad's, and it's older than I am. I....I guess I don't know what to do. That's literally their furniture....their dishes....their secret compartments..... It's all theirs ! I wish they'd come back and get it ! I'm so sad. Some days I feel I can live with it, and some days I just can't believe that God or Buddha or The World or Life or whoever is in charge of this horrible place, would take my mother away from me, especially after losing my father just 5 years ago. We needed her, I needed her. I am single with no kids. Where do I go from here?! Life to me meant taking care of my mother, my best friend, and spending as much time as I could with her. I've lost her, and my whole life has fallen apart. Where do I go from here?!

[eaglesoaring]

Hi Maylissa

Thank You for writing, I had taken the door off to the bedroom a few years back, and now with the new furbabies I thought I should put it back up, guess it just hit hard, I wish I didnt have to put the door back, then Mom would be back and I could take her thru the open door once again. I find myself doing this all the time, gee it is time to go get Mom, if only I could, I sure would.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with your family (brother) issues, that must really make things much worse, I cant even begin to think what that must be like.

Wow, this is something, my Mom had dentures, I had to take them, because the dentist messed up and didnt make them right, the hospital threw away my Mom's teet when she had her operation. She didnt have her teeth for months, then this jerk dentist made these things that she could not wear. She also cried as she so wanted to be able to eat. My Mom told me about the same, back then they just yanked them out.

For my Mom's b-day, I lit a candle for her, sang happy b-day to her, then it rained all day, I thought that was fitting, gee I am unable to cry, let the sky do it for me. My daddy passed on my b-day, so now that makes it a very hard day.

I do hope that your dream and goals come to be for you.

Take care, Debbie

[eaglesoaring]

I am sorry to hear about your mom and sorry that you are going through this horrible ordeal.

Thank You, I am so sorry that you are also going thru all this also.

Some of the other family members wanted to throw her a small memorial celebration. They approached me saying, "I heard your mom is having a b-day party." When I heard this, I almost passed out. Was I hearing them wrong or what?! I was able to get a grip of myself, and when the day came, I was sort of ok.

Oh dear, I think I would have passed out if I would have heard this.

I went out and got my mom a b-day card and took it too her gravesite to read it too her. It was hard. I didn't do anything like that for my father, but maybe with my mother, I'll get her a card every year if I can.

At Christmas I always wrap up a "gift" for my daddy, there is nothing in the box, but my love. It is that I just dont want to leave him out of anything either, now I will do this for Mom.

I am single with no kids. Where do I go from here?! Life to me meant taking care of my mother, my best friend, and spending as much time as I could with her. I've lost her, and my whole life has fallen apart. Where do I go from here?!

I am also single with no kids, and I do understand about life meaning taking care of Mom, as that is what I have done for the last 11 years, I just wish I could do it for the next 11 years, I also am so lost, and I also feel shattered. I sometimes wish I could figure out how to stop the rush of thoughts that make me feel dizzy and out of control. I dont know if I know what or how to do anything anymore. Your right every day is one day closer to seeing Mom again.

Take care, Debbie

[Maylissa]

shubom,

Although it may have been rather hard, I think your family seeing to doing something for your mom's birthday was a lovely, caring act. No one forgot about the day, and then they honoured her memory by doing something special. What I wouldn't have given to have had family members like that around me! From my standpoint, I might have passed out, but it would have been from sheer shock that anyone even cared! I also think you're very brave, getting her a card, as even now, 2 yrs. later, I can't stand even seeing "Birthday for Mother" sections in card stores. If I dared to read one, I'd bust into tears right then and there.

I actually have one, lone tape-recording of part of a conversation between me and my Mom when she was in the hospital after her Coumadin overdose almost killed her ( the doc's fault ), and while I've only listened to it twice, and it does break me up totally to hear her voice, talking about how she just has to put up with it ( her illness and recovery plan ), it's also the single most important piece of her I have left and I treasure it. I'll have to put it on a CD so that it doesn't ever disintegrate. Had I known what was to come, I would have made as many recordings as possible, plus some from before she had her stroke. I also have many of her letters from through the years, which I read sparingly on special days. It's hard, but they're still pieces of my Mom, plus our own, unique relationship with each other.

Where to go from here?....forward, I guess, to wherever our paths take us, for better or for worse ( which, despite our pain, it always still could be ). Whether we go at a snail's pace or not, it's the only direction there is, even though all there really is at any given time is the Present moment. There's a Buddha lesson for you! ~ your only mission is to live one moment at a time, as aware as you can muster up being, even through all the painful moments that fill your day right now. Those pain-filled moments will evolve and change, too, as you work through your feelings, or even just acknowledge them. I can't yet speak to finding that elusive new sense of purpose because I haven't found it, either, but I still hope that it will make itself known one day.

[Maylissa]

Debbie,

Yah, we had an incident with my Mom's dentures, too. When she was in the rehab. center, she must have taken them out after a meal and put them down in her bedding, because they ended up taking them to the laundry facility with the bedsheets. Apparently, this happens a lot on wards with elderly people. Very luckily, the laundry company found them and she had them back within the week. Also luckily, she was on pureed food anyway, so could still eat. I knew that had she had to have new ones made, she would have had to go without, because they had no provision for dentists to come in at all. So thank goodness, cuz my Mom hated to be without her teeth.

And when I went back home to see her on her last birthday, none of my family had seen to getting her some Polident to soak them in, and the rehab didn't supply those things ( found all this out too late for me to get some to her myself ), so I made sure I scrubbed them well for her ~ something I'd never done before. It was an honour for me to do it, but she was so nervous, even through her fog...just like my Mom - no one could be trusted to do things the 'right' way/her way. So I made it my momentary mission to prove to her that I could do this as well as she'd always done, reassuring her the whole time I was scrubbing. When I was done and gave them back, she was actually pleased and it reminded me of all the other times she hadn't trusted me and I'd put her mind at ease by doing as well, if not better, than what she'd expected. So now it's a brief, but fond memory. These were her second set of dentures, and because of course her mouth had changed when she was older, they never were as nice, or looked the same when she smiled, as her first set which I had loved. Our smiles used to look more similar and this set didn't allow for that...another reason I wasn't compelled to take them, despite the blood.

I'm not surprised they made your mom's wrong, as they're harder to fit when the mouth changes, having been without them for that long. Plus, so many people just don't seem to care about doing a good job once you're older. Although, it's hard to believe the hospital threw them right out! Like I said, they just don't care enough to be careful. Your poor mom.

I did something similar this year for my Mom's birthday. I made her signature cinnammon buns, put on a special dinner using her china set, set a place for her, stuck a candle in her bun, sang Happy Birthday....and waited a few minutes, hoping to see that candle mysteriously blow out by 'itself'...but it didn't. I really thought it might, as she'd made the crystal plant stick that she'd bought for me shake one afternoon with not a thing moving, and no drafts or anything in the room, soon after she passed. So when the candle didn't go out, THEN I crashed for the rest of the evening.

I'm also so sorry your own birthday has to be forever marred by your father's death. I've always been scared one of my loved ones would die on my own birthday, ruining yet another day of the year that should be a happier one. So I feel very badly for you about that and can certainly understand how it would make it so difficult. Do you do anything nice anyway now, and does that help any? And does anyone else send you cards?

Edited February 17, 2006 by Maylissa

[eaglesoaring]

Hi Maylissa

Mom had to have implants on her bottom jaws a few years back, so she needed to have the special dentures that have the fittings so the teeth would fit into the implants, we paid alot of money $3,700 and what Mom got was a $600 set of dentures, so when she would try to eat, the bottom teeth would slip around and hit the implants causing her alot of pain. I fought and fought with the dentist did no good (yet as I think about suing him) It was so very sad that it seemed like every time I turned around someone (in the hospital, or the rehap) someone was hurting her, or leaving her for hours in a wheelchair, or not turning her etc. The hospital caused my Mom's death by letting her central line get infected and then not putting the IV antibiotic on Mom for over 24 hours, on top of the not getting her meds on time, or if at all, not turning her often enough, not changing the dressing etc. Just one thing after another and here was little old me trying to protect my Mom, and getting nowhere. So yesterday this hospital calls and wants to speak to Mom, and I am not in a good mood, so I tell the lady I sure wish that you were able to talk with her, because then that would mean that I would also be able to talk with her. (she was from the billing dept.) after I let her know that Mom has passed, she wants a death cert. and I came unglued, I ask her 4 times why they would need a death cert. and got no answer other than for our records, so I say if you want the cause of her passing, just look at your hospital records and you will find it there. I remember that when Mom had to go back into the ICU with the massive infection while I was sitting with Mom, a group or 8 to 10 people came in and huddled around my Mom's chart for about an hour, they were not Dr.'s there was one nurse there the head nurse from the floor where Mom was. So I know that they are aware of the mistakes. I just cant believe the rage that I have towards the hospital, and to this dentist.

You are so right it is a honor to do something for Mom's.

I can understand why you crashed after the candle didnt go out, maybe your Mom wanted it to stay lit?

Last year on my b-day I got one card, from my neice, nothing from my brother, but Mom was in the hospital, dont know if that had anything to do with it or not. In some strange way now after going thru all that Mom had to go thru, Daddy I am just happy that he went the way he wanted, he hated hospitals, now I know why. Last year on my b-day I stayed all day at the hospital with Mom, she felt bad as she wanted to take me out to eat. She wanted to get me a card and gift, but she was unable and I told her over and over that I understood, dont worry about it. I have no clue what I will do this coming July.

Thanks, Debbie

WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT THE SOUL BEGIN TO HEAL?

[Maureen]

i don't know if this will help at all, but i have my moms picture in every room of the house, actually several pictures of her. they are all pre-sickness so she is looking real good, smiling happily, eyes twinkling. i talk to her all the time. i wished her a happy birthday when her birthday came around, and merry christmas, happy new year, happy valentines day.

i have her ashes in my home, i crocheted a beautiful pink cover for the tine (she loved the color pink) in the curio cabinet with all of her pretty things and of course, pictures of her. i sprayed her perfume on the tin cover so i can "smell" how pretty my mom must be feeling now. every morning when i get up, i come out and say good morning to her and we 'chat' just for a bit. i keep her as alive as i can, for old times sake and for my sanity.

God forbid, and i mean God FORBID, if someone should dare come in my home and tell me i "should be over it" or criticize me for having her pictures up, or for spraying her perfume or anything like that. so far no one has. i'll get my warrior woman hackles up in a bad way should someone ever tell me that or comment on any of that stuff. walk a mile in any of our shoes, us who have lost our moms or other dearly beloved, and then dare to say we 'should be over it'. no way.

[Maylissa]

Hi Debbie,

Oh, you and your poor mom!! I know where you're coming from, though, and share the rage you feel, as I also had problems with my Mom's care in both hospital and rehab. and I fear that it was probably about as bad, but I wasn't there to actually see the half of it. ..but what I did know about was bad enough.

First, after my Mom had improved so exceptionally well w/i just 2 short wks. of her first stroke, they sent her to rehab, expecting that w/i about a month she'd be able to go back home. She was so chipper and clear-headed, unlike how she'd been at home even before the stroke, that I was ecstatic, thinking I could go see her and I'd have my 'old' Mom back, as she could carry on a conversation so much better than before. Then, for some stupid reason, the hosp. doc upped her dosage of Coumadin ( the most dangerous drug, yet most widely-prescribed blood thinner ), and w/i an hour of getting to rehab, they had to send her back because she was crashing. No one phoned me, though I was on their list of contacts, and when I phoned the rehab, then hospital, I found out that they thought she might not even make it through the night, she was hemorrhaging so badly internally and they couldn't operate because she was too frail! So they almost killed her right at the outset. I flew back then and discovered neglect in the hospital, just when she needed even MORE care. She was dehydrated despite the IV drip, so I fed her little sips of water off a sponge and alerted them to her needs, after which they finally allowed her thickened water ( which she hated! ) But she never recovered anywhere near as fully after that, from the stroke symptoms. When they finally got to send her back to rehab she could no longer eat regular food and it had to be pureed.

Then we had nothing but problems with our dad, too, as his dementia was far worse than anyone had known, except for my Mom, I suppose, but now she wasn't as clear as before, either. Rehab almost called the police on my dad once, he was causing so much commotion. But me and my now-dead brother couldn't decide if the accusations he was making were true, partly true or sheer nonsense, because we weren't there to see anything. My brother lived there, but rarely went to visit ( another long story ). However, he was right about a few things. At one point, Mom got so dehydrated because she went on a hunger-strike and refused any more physiotherapy ( she was so upset with both my father and the staff ), and they didn't follow usual protocol, so my dad insisted she got back to hospital, thankfully, where they discovered she was so dried out, plus had an infection that rehab hadn't even addressed, claiming they were waiting 'til Monday ( she was crashing on Fri. )for bloodtest results. Supposedly, the doc at the hosp. said she would have been dead by Monday w/o trtmnt. It finally got to the point where they ( now, I believe, incorrectly as per protocol I've just learned about THIS year! ) assessed her as mentally incompetent. They had her on too many drugs, some contraindicated, and a sedative which impaired her thinking even more ( that's when they did the assessment ) and naturally, wouldn't listen to my concerns or alternate suggestions for her trtmnt., especially since I was the only family member doing research and trying to address these things...and I wasn't there for them to have to answer to. She was just steadily declining.

She had a few TIA's ( like mini-strokes ), got a bad peritoneal infection requiring antibiotics ( since, like your mom, they didn't change her or turn her or air her out often enough ) that she still had when I was there, they were giving her insulin at one point, even though she wasn't an insulin-dependant diabetic and her glucose levels had only gone up temporarily due to something else that happened ( which was a normal response ) and worse, they were poking her for the daily blood check right in her painful stroke arm! She got isolated in a private room ( which she didn't like, as she was so sociable ) because of my father's outbursts. My brother heard her cry out and yell when one nurse was "rough", as she kept saying some were; they'd kicked him out of the room to attend to her. We had to liase with the Director there, who then gave any of us permission to stay in the room, no matter what they were doing. My father was accusing the staff of stealing all her clothes and personal items...something we were never sure about, as he was also equally and constantly misplacing things, we found out later. They made mistake after mistake, weren't very cooperative with getting her up and in her Broda chair so that I could phone her. No phones were in the rooms unless you paid, and our father wouldn't. Nor would he get her an in-room T.V., yet also not once took her to the dining room to watch it there, either and neither did my brother on the few visits he made. No one took her for a smoke, either, so she'd had to quit both drinking and smoking, suddenly, cold turkey, which presents its own problems, which they ignored.

There was more, too, and I could hardly keep track of everything from one week to the next. The worst thing was that I couldn't BE there, daily, to monitor what was going on, to become a champion for my Mom, and even worse, no other family member was doing what should have become their parts, and my dad was a whole ballgame unto himself. Between him and my dead brother, they missed a deadline ( &/or were misled about it ) and my Mom became a Ward of the Province, so we had even less control in some key areas.

Then, when she had her final stroke, which was massive, and died just hours later, my father insisted, loudly, that it had been a conspiracy, starting with her GP and involving staff at the rehab., the doctors there, plus even some other patients.....that they'd killed her by a couple of swift blows to her head. To this day, I don't know if possibly HE hit her ( he's abusive ) and concocted this in his crazy brain to ease his own guilt, or if it was simply the dementia speaking. He refused to have an autopsy done and legally, he was the only one who could have requested one, unless things looked really suspicious. But if the staff had been to blame for rough trtmnt, they wouldn't have called police about any suspicious-looking bruises or anything. And I never made it back in time, so never saw her before she was cremated, so I could look for myself. I told my dead brother to go and look himself beforehand, but he never did. So for 2 years, I've lived with these uncertainties...something I NEVER imagined it would be like, despite all the other problems. It never occured to me that I'd have to doubt the actual cause of my Mother's death. And then after, of course, I'd found that blood (?) in her denture cup....I asked a doctor friend of mine, who'd been helping me all along here, if that might be common for someone who'd had a stroke, but she didn't really think so and said it could have been from any number of things, depending on what they did, but she was rather surprised when I mentioned it....further deepening my suspicions.

It was all a total nightmare, and after her death, things actually got even WORSE! And then my brother died, too, 2 months later, from the same kind of stroke. And THEN things got even worse than THAT.....as the only aunt who speaks to me now says, "It won't all be truly over for you until the 2 of them ( my last brother and my father ) are dead, too." So that's what I've got to 'look forward to' in my new 'life'. And unlike my dear Mom, I'm still here, with the ability to remember all these horrible things. One can blithely state that the past is the past, so let it go, but unless I, too, get dementia, I can't simply forget all this trauma, so it's always there, in the back of my mind, no matter what else I'm doing or thinking. Even remembering the better times with my Mom still brings up her horrible ending...how could it not? Six months of complete hell it was for her, and for me. If I think about her, I also remember everything else, as a whole, if not the details, each time. My Mom was one of the greatest and strongest fighters I've ever known, but I can't even say whether she won or lost this last battle.

And as an aside, I'm just wondering....would your birthday happen to be on either the 17th or the 27th? If so, I'll tell you why I'm asking later. And thank you, Debbie, for your idea about the B-day candle - I'd never thought of it that way!

[Maureen]

oh maylissa, reading that made me upset. you are living with that kind of uncertainty and doubt that just eats you up inside.

and how can that aunt of yours say something like that to you??????? what with all you've been through, she DOES come out with some hurtful winners doesn't she?

how the heck does your sanity stand it?

[eaglesoaring]

Hi Maylissa

First I am so very sorry for the delay in getting back with you, I have had the flu.

I am so very sorry that the hospital made so many mistakes with your Mom also, It is so very sad that this happens, and with people who are supposed to "do no harm".

I have to tell you that sometimes I wish that I was not there to see all this first hand, so I thank you for your post, as it let me know that it still would have been a nightmare.

One thing that really lays heavy on me is that I had power of attorney over my Mom and her care, all that seemed to be good for was to sign for the different things that they wanted to do. It made no difference in regards to the "saying NO to treatment" I feel like a huge failure for not being able to protect my Mom, and all I could do was to stand by and watch them kill her. I have such a rage about her care, and I have no clue what to do with it. I dont know how to stop blaming myself for what happened.

Your Dear mom and my Mom had alot of the same problems. She also had strokes, she had her first one 11 years ago, that is when I became her full time caregiver. She got back to the point where she could use a walker to get around, and was doing pretty good until Jan. of 05. That is when the nightmares began. Almost lost her late Jan. to heart and kidney failure, found out that this was due to wrong meds. Got this taken care of and then she goes right back into the hospital with Diverticulistis on July 8th. and she did not go to rehab until 9/15. She had more strokes and mini strokes. It was so hard and unreal watching her go down like she did, feeling so helpless, I would have done anything to help her. However having lived it with her, I know that there was no way that I could change anything, not even getting her the right help, that makes all this even more hard to take.

My b-day is 7/14

Take care, Debbie

WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT A SOUL BEGIN TO HEAL?

Hi Maureen

Thank You for your post. I also spray Mom's perfume, and I also wear some of her clothes. I also talk with my Mom, and when I need to hear her voice I listen to the message's (3) that I have on the phone, One is extra special, as she says, I just called to hear your voice and to tell you that I love you. I will never get rid of it. When she came home from the hospital I played it for her, and she was so touched that I had saved it.

I have a few pictures of Mom up, I want to put more up, but right now I just cant seem to put them out.

Thanks, Take care, Debbie

WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT THE SOUL BEGIN TO HEAL?

[Maylissa]

Debbie,

Thanks for replying - I'd almost forgotten about this thread! Re: your B-Day date, I just wondered if it might have fallen either on the same day as mine, or my parents' Anniversary date....just cuz I've discovered so many "numbers" from people online that speak to me by way of these 'coincidences'.

I know just what you're saying about even POA's not having much effect. I'll tell you, it's a total education, and NOT a pleasant one, I've gotten thru both my Mom's and now my father's institutionalizations. Apparently, ( I've recently also learned ), even if you have a Living Will stating your own, personal preferences for treatments, the doctor in charge in any institution can utterly ignore them and ultimately act by their own moral standards, ethics, and medical viewpoints....even if say, you'd rejected orthodox medical care your whole life in favour of complementary medicine, or whatever. If they don't agree with you personally, then it's 'too bad' for YOU! I mean, what kind of a medical system is it when they won't even allow someone to take VITAMINS unless they think you need some -- and with NO nutritional education under any of their belts, their knowledge is sadly deficient, if not downright harmful! It looks to me like those Hypocratic Oaths mean absolutely nothing in today's world...."do no harm", indeed! All it usually comes down to in the end, is whether they think they might be able to be sued or not...and they'll act according to that, more than anything else. I've even had a few doc's attest/admit to this, so it's not just coming from my anger.

I can always imagine my Mom saying to me, "And oh, God, the way they made my Mother suffer in there...." and looking so pained about it, were it her mother who'd gone thru what she did. I can't tell you the number of times I've thought," Oh, just WAIT 'til I tell MOM about how....and then I realize anew that it's HER OWN SITUATION I'm talking about in my head!!! It kills me a little more each and every time this happens. I just can't get over how THIS....this terrible scenario....is how it all ended for her.

Edited March 4, 2006 by Maylissa

[shell]

Maylissa and Debbie,

I'm so sorry for your losses and the helpless feelings you're having at your lack of control over the doctors. I just don't know what is happening in the medical field these days, no matter where you live. I hate to say this, but I'm glad my dad went very quickly and was not able to have chemo. I don't trust doctors (although at the time, we had one that I honestly thought could claim he was God and then he left private practice...another blow). My dad stayed in the hospital a week and then came home and died three weeks later. Thank God he didn't have to go through a bunch of tests and treatments because I would probably be feeling the same way you two are. I am now dealing with my moms kidney problems and she has to go see if she has lupus. I question everything they do to her and read up on everything, etc. but there's only so much you CAN do! You're torn between what the "experts" say and if they know what the devil they are talking about.

Anyway, I know that both of you did the very best you could and have no reason to feel guilty. Don't beat yourselves up.

Hang in there guys,

Shell

[eaglesoaring]

Hi Maylissa, okay so when is your b-day?

You are so very right, it is indeed an education that I sure did not want to learn, The two Dr.'s that took care of my Mom, I think that they did a wonderful job, it was the hospital staff that was horrible, I even had Mom's Dr. say to me "I dont know were to put your Mom when I let her leave the ICU, I dont trust the floor that she was on, so I think I will put her on another floor." which is what he did, and at least things were a bit different there. I live in FL. and in this state adult childern can not sue....if there are no dependent childern or a spouse, so this hospital thought they were in great shape, until I told them "you all think you are as smug as a bug, however Mom does have a depent child" We are thinking about looking into a lawsuit. However dont think that it will really do any good.

I am so very sorry that you have to go thru this in your head. I am right there with you on I also can not get over how it all ended for my Mom either, and seem to bounce between anger and overwhelming sadness.

Take care, Debbie

[eaglesoaring]

Thank You Shell, my Dad went fast also here at home, I am also so thankful for this as he hated hospital's, now I know why!!!! I am so sorry to read about your Mom's kidney and possible lupus, you also hang in there!!!

Thanks again, take care, Debbie

I try very hard to not beat myself up

[Maylissa]

Hi, Debbie,

My B-Day is the 27th of the same month as yours. Yah, the bouncing between the two emotions is so draining - it would be easier if there was just ONE to deal with.

[Guest Guest]

Don't know if the numbers mean anything but my birthday is 7/17.

My father who was 89 died on April 10, 2006. The last week of his life he had two doctors appointments and didn't want to go to them. I said, "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." Although he was pronounced dead at the hospital I know he left his body at home. They went to put him into a chair to take him out of the home and he went unconscious and never came back. I am glad for that. No more suffering and he hated hospitals too.

While my father was home, my mother was in a nursing home rehab. She was only there for a week while I fought to get her out. She went downhill so fast, almost like in a coma. I swear they were drugging the old people. When she came home she slept for 24 hours. Unfortunately I didn't get her out until the day after my father died...so they never got to see each other again. I have to live with that. Although my mother has dementia and didn't interact with my father that much in the last year or two, she was aware he was there and now she is aware he is not. It is so very sad. Some days I feel like I can't breathe the sorrow and pain are overwhelming.