Moving Service

[Froggie4635]

I just sat and watched the televised service for the police officer here in Houston who was sensuously gunned down a week ago.  It was a fitting tribute.  It seemed to me to be more about the grieving of the city and the other officers, until I actually saw his wife...and then I heard the newscaster speak of her as his "widow", and it brought it all home to me.  While witnessing the ritual of this service, right down to the 21 gun salute, I looked over at the photo of my husband.   I know him well enough to know he would have been very moved by this display of respect.  And also angered by the senseless reason that it had to take place.  Mark believed in all that was right, and his beliefs were so strong and huge part of why I loved him.  While looking at his picture, I did not immediately go back to his service, but another one. I remembered his father's service. It was a hot, August afternoon. I stood by my husband, so he could lean on me while in grief over his loss.  At the mass, I held his hand tight, so he would know I was there for him. I was so proud of him, for it could have easily been so different.  I prayed from the time his father's time was coming, that Mark would find the inner strength to get through this time.  I was ready for it, was ready to be strong for him.  But he was so strong, and his father would have been so proud of him. But the thing I remember the most, was that during this trying time, he was being the best husband too.  He took care of me, making sure I had a seat under the tent, out of the sun and stood next to me as I helped him mourn his loss.  We were ONE that day.  And so while witnessing this moving service for someone I did not know, I could feel the pain being felt.  And I missed my husband.  Today is 9 months that he is gone, and I still struggle with it.  Just like this poor new widow will face for a very long time.  Mark's brother Matt is a policeman, and I know how proud Mark was of him. Matt spoke at Mark's service, and I know how proud he was of his brother.  And I feel lucky to have been married to someone who could show love and feel love and accept love. I know that love will never go away from my heart. 

[iPraiseHim]

Well spoken, Maryann.  I'm on the same journey just a couple of months behind you.  My heart is with yours.  Praying for your comfort and peace.  Shalom George

[debi.williams]

Beautifully said Maryann. You and your husband being AS ONE sums up very simply, soulmates. That he took care of you too in his grief proves that you were souls united together and always will be.

My husband and I watched the return of the bodies to the UK of those poor victims gunned down on the beach in Tunisia and wept together. My heart goes out to the grieving widow of the police officer gunned down so senselessly. Her poor heart will be on our journey now, one that you wouldn't ever wish for anyone. 

It is 9 months for you Maryann and 5 weeks for me, but what difference does it make? We both know that we will always have a space in our hearts that can never be filled no matter how the months and then years roll by. 

My beautiful 19 year old god daughter wrote me this text

'Every morning I wake up and think of you and gorgeous Max  (our son). I can't imagine the pain in your heart but the only thing that may make it slightly better is to know you had a love that most people will probably never experience. I'm sure all the years together outshine the pain you are in now. You must always remember that you will meet again one day '

[kayc]

It was very hard to watch.  There's just been way too much devastation on the news lately, too many murders, too much senseless violence.

[debi.williams]

So true Kayc. Why don't humans realise the preciousness of life?

[KATPILOT]

I believe that when you have experienced such a deep loss as we all have, you feel the anguish every time you see someone else be hurt like this.  Every time I see a news story about death, and so many have happened in the last four and a half years, I lose it.  Was I blind before or perhaps so use to those stories that they didn't hit me so hard? I don't know but they sure do get to me now.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Stephen,

I can think back beyond this horrible change in direction that has become my life and remember there were a few songs that spoke of great loss, and I would tear up and my voice would get shaky when trying to sing along...thinking about what those words meant, and how I would feel if I had to experience what the songs were speaking of.  Perhaps it was a foreshadow to these days I find myself in now.  There is a particular song by Faith Hill, "My Wild Frontier".  There is a difference between when a song makes you sad, and when it touches a place so deep inside.  It is a terrible thing to say, but I try not to let all the horrible stories get near my heart.  It is not that I have no sympathy for the pain these poor victims will experience; I am still at the point where it takes me right back to that morning in the ER when everything changed.  I relate it to that horrific day on 09/11...the day that we all became less naïve.  On my way to the hospital, it NEVER entered my mind that Mark would die.  How could something like this happen?  Innocence stripped away. 

[debi.williams]

I think Kat that this huge loss we are all bearing ironically opens us to all humanity. Look at us on this site. We are pouring our hearts out to and getting huge comfort from people we have never met but we share a common bond. I think this is how humanity was supposed to be. As God intended us to be. To value all life and have compassion for our fellow creatures. I don't think for a minute you were blind but we do get hardened by the continuous media reports of horror because we can't stop our lives every time an atrocity happens, for example, in a faraway land. We still have to work, care for our families and put food on the table. My beloved husband used to react, often with tears, to every senseless death, every bit of human suffering, but then he had fought in a war and lost his mother at the age of 7 and struggled so much. He had seen and experienced  so much suffering first hand. 

Maryann, your reaction to certain music may well have been an innate spiritual knowledge of what was to come. I remember the effect that a song called 'In the Living Years' by Mike and the Mechanics had on me and my father died about a year later very suddenly. All the deaths of my family have been very sudden. I think it is because of that last fact that I KNEW all was lost following the ambulance, and that my husband would die. I have learned to expect the worst. Don't get me wrong, friends would describe me as normally happy and optimistic but that was because of the love I have received rather than the experiences I have lived. 

I have had every member of my family leave suddenly and this gave me respect for the fragility of life, but my rock was there throughout until now. You had every right to believe your beloved Mark would live. Even I thought my strong man and I would grow old together. Even with my experience I thought he would, where others in my family hadn't, be spared.