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Dumped after 4 months of girlfriend losing her sister, please help


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I have dated this girl 3 years, this December.

She feels like she has kept the relationship at bay at the beginning of our relationship ( AKA - how high can I jump for you? ). I feel different - that I have been a good boyfriend EXCEPT... 1 year into our relationship I did cheat on her. I fully admit to it, and came clean, and man'd up. It broke her heart and mine to even tell her. We were shaky for the next few months, but slowly got better. Eventually I asked her if she would forgive me, and she said yes.

Things were ok from that point on, but our relationship has been long distance from the beginning ( 3.5 hours away from each other ). She would always come to see me, and I took it for granted. I never started to come see her until about a year into our relationship and I knew it made it feel like crap. I don't really have an excuse except I have bad anxiety and get panic attacks on the road very easy.. Jumping forward.. 4 months ago from now, ( May 3rd ), her sister passes away. She was disabled from childhood and her and her parents feared what would happen to her when they eventually went.

At the point of her sister passing away, EVERYTHING changed in her. From what I hear this is common, but it just really seemed that she was no longer interested, and very distant. She would always spend time with me at my parents house, but after the accident, she was always at her parents, which makes sense. I know 4 months is a short time, but to me, it has been a very long time, and feeling like I am not even loved for that long, does build up and hurt. With that said, I have tried to be the best boyfriend possible, and tried supporting as much as I possibly could ( probably too much in all honesty ), but I just didn't understand and still don't. Every week or so I would have a "serious" talk with her about how I was feeling, and how scared I was about losing her, and tried to make her see that she was pushing me away unintentionally, but without being a jerk about it ( or I at least tried to ). Keep in mind, we were totally insane about each other, and I screwed her over by cheating on her. Dumbest thing I have ever done in my life, and I would make up for that and burn half my soul just to ease her pain if I could, but when her sister passed away, she was nothing even close to the person I once knew. After having several talks with her throughout the course of a long time..it did build up on her, and I know now, that it has been pushing at her. Last weekend I got her and her mom tickets to the Husker game and she had invited me over for support and a movie with her parents afterwards ( which she hasnt done in a long time - so I thought that was a pretty good thing ). After the movie, she just looked at me, and yet again, acted like she wanted nothing to do with me..but I do overthink a lot of stuff...like a lot. Took it with a grain of salt and apologized for having all the talks I have had in the past, and explained WHY I was having the talks. I told her it was because I was scared that she didn't realize what she was doing to us, and I told her she had my full support, but wanted her to realize how much damage she was starting to bring onto me. We ended that night pretty good and sometimes you wouldnt even know anything was wrong. Sometimes shes in a decent mood - other times ( mostly ), she is bitchy, moody, upset etc..anything and everything I do isnt good enough, and I get yelled at for basically anything. Literally 2 days later I spoke with her on the phone and had yet, another talk, because she was acting distant, quite, and uninterested all over again, and its just getting to the point where I feel I have to stand up for myself and just tell her I feel I deserve even a little bit from her. This whole time since she has passed, she kept telling me that I just dont understand, and she wished I could be in her shoes. -->

[ What I failed to mention.. is that when she was dealing with her sisters loss, I was detoxing off of Xanax medication, and was going through HELL and terrible withdrawals that was making me call 911 for help at home detox. We both are long distant, she was having a nightmare on her shoulders, as was I with my own demon. I wasn't able to be strong enough for the both of us - and I eventually told her that - which I think she appreciated. ]

Now jumping back on track --> I had said a couple of stupid things looking back at it, to her, when I spoke with her last on Tuesday 8th of Sep. After telling her that a lot of my friends think I am crazy for still being with you, she was pissed off, and said, then don't be with me, then don't be with me. I HIGHLY regret saying that, and wish I could take it back, and didn't even mean it the way I said it - it was just something very stupid that came out of my mouth. She then persisted and said, you know what..I am done fighting..we just aren't happy.. ( I feel I am not happy, because she isn't - honestly ). If she was happy, it would make my world. 

I also game time to time, and its just a part of me and a hobby. I moved back home after my last lease to save money, and go to school. I am also waiting to go to school next Spring of 2016 for dental school. (( Stuff she is already aware of )).

On top of her essentially breaking up with me, she also threw on me that she hated my gaming, it didn't interest her, every time we talk, its about me, and that my high light of the day is gaming, and she doesnt want that.

This is ALL stuff she already knew about me - and has accepted, she is just lashing out, and I don't know why - probably my stupid comment?

Throughout all the talks we have had in the last 4 months, she didn't know what she wanted, but wanted me to just "try", whatever that means. She did mention that she knew I was trying though. 3-4 weeks ago, she mentioned for the first time, that she probably just needs some space with her family, and I failed to "listen" to that, because I was so pre-occupied on about how I was feeling and thought giving her that space would ruin us - I was being weak. 

This girl has faught like a damn warrior for me and honestly has held us up together - when a lot of moments I was being a dumbass in our past, but adding it up - I really was a great boyfriend, just had some faults, one including something I can never take back -.-

In my honest to god opinion, I thought I was doing everything the right way, and didn't understand her attitude towards me, when I am pouring my heart and soul out to her, to get spat at, yelled at, and treated like a door mat, thats exactly why I stood up for myself.

On the same phone call last Tuesday night, after she was persistant on breaking up with me - I finally facetimed her, so I could at least see her face. Things changed a bit when we saw each other. We have always agreed that whenever things get its worst - when we see each other or hold each other - we both feel content. My last attempt on that phone call, I suggested that with a lot of new information I was given, I told her please give me time to allow me to give you space. I looked her dead in the eye and she was deep in thought.. but never answered. She finally said..its getting late and I need to go to bed. I said ok, Honey I love you. She said I love you right back, followed by, "I'll just talk to you later."

The very next day she takes our status off of Facebook and it drove me insane to see that, so I tried calling her at of course the worst time ( midnight ), and never got an answer. I left a voicemail and my phone literally died right as I was sending the message, so I don't know if it got sent or not. Either way, I woke up early and tried to catch her before she leaves for work.

( I failed to mention - she is about 4-5months along into a new job, and also starting taking classes to get into Pharmacy school. )  - - - She is handling a lot. )

When I tried to call her early before work, again, she didn't answer, and it rang to her voicemail. This is when I really choked, and felt like I could possibly never hear from her again, and if I was a betting man - I would put all my money on she would NEVER EVER do that to me. 

from what EVERYONE I have spoken to as far as friends go - they have all said you NEED to give her SPACE. NO text or call for at least a week to week and a half. I have went 5 days so far, AND ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY. I feel like as the seconds go by, I am losing her, and I feel like I need to rush it, and do whatever the heck it is, to fix what is wrong, because what I have realized, is that I have made this all about me, when it is not. This is about her, and I failed to see that, until recently. I more than want to support her - and I DID tell her I would give her space - which I have done so far, but at the same time, its eating me alive, she won't reach back out - or isn't ready yet. I have no experience what-so-ever in this situation and GREATLY need advice from anyone. I am hurting big time - and cannot stop thinking about life is complete utter s*** without her. I miss her, and would travel to the moon and back for her. 

What is it I need to do?

What I WANT to do - is each out to her soon, ( assuming I get the chance to talk to her ), and tell her EXACTLY how I feel, and what I have done wrong. I want her to know that this isn't about me, and apologize for being selfish, a real big apology - I did my homework - and read up on greiving - to help myself better understand her situation - and I have learned a lot, and feel very bad for unintentionally hurting her.

I am beating myself up to holy heck to I should of said this, shouldn't have said that, etc, etc. and cannot help but think of what CAN I do to turn this around - I have to tell her how I am feeling - and I feel like it needs to be done and I am feeling very very rushed.

Please anyone, this girl is the gold cup to me, and losing her is not an option. I am very strong and will do and try everything it takes.

I appreciate anything in advance.

My heart is telling me that I need to talk to her face to face, but I don't know how, there is a lot of stuff I want to say


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I am sorry for what you are going through, it is a too common  story, one many of us have been through.  I hope you will read some of the threads here to see the mistakes others have made and also to know that the way she is responding is very normal and common.

Grief is often the straw that broke the camel's back.  Sometimes people don't voice their dissatisfaction and you think everything is going fine and them WHAM! when they are grieving, they suddenly pull the rug out from under you and break up with you.  To them, it seems it came to a head, but to you, it felt like it was out of nowhere!

You can't change her or make her want to be with you.  It is up to you whether you feel you can be patient and forebearing.  You're right that it isn't about you personally, it wouldn't have mattered who it was or how they were, the results likely would have been the same.  It has to do with HER way of grieving, HER decisions, HER views.

My fiance broke up with me by Fed Ex, so I didn't even have the luxury of a discussion or goodbye.  That was five years ago.  Today we are good friends, but we were no contact for several months and then when he resumed talking to me, he yanked me around emotionally...not purposely, but because he was all over the place in his grief and I don't think HE knew what he wanted.  I had to let go of him before we could have a relationship as "friends".  I don't look at it as a failure, but a success story, because we've made it through intact, we've learned a lot more about each other, and I think we're both happy with where we're at today.  The thing is, you can't pursue a relationship as friends while one is still secretly hoping for more, for that would be manipulative and dishonest.  Yet it's hard to feel different that you do, hence the no contact for some time.  It takes time to heal and glean a fresh perspective.  Meanwhile you have your own grief work to do, grief over loss of a relationship, and it hurts like the dickens!  There's so many tears that need to be cried, so much sleep to be missed out on.  Then comes the time when you have to put yourself first and do what is positive for YOU, spend time with family and friends, pursue other interests like take a class, join a gym, etc.  Make this a time when you work on YOU and work on your healing.  Then IF and WHEN you are ready to be friends, you'll be in a better place for it.  Nothing guarantees that will happen, or that it will ever be any more than that.  I have personally read (and responded to) each of the threads in this section.  I only remember one ending where they came through the experience with their relationship intact (more than friends). 

Grief affects people in such a way as they are never the same again.  That's not bad, it's just different.  It can be a time used for growth and learning, a time to spread your wings.

I wish you the best in your journey.

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