Just confused...

[Ceili]

Hi! I have posted recently on the Death of a Parent board. I lost my 87 year old mom on 3/4/2015. She had been sick for awhile; I cared for her for 3 years. Her death has hit me really hard. She was my best friend. In the past, I lost 2 children and suffered a miscarriage all in September and October (years ago). Lost my best friend when I was 17. Dad is gone too. I am on anti depressants and see a grief counselor. Tuesday (2 days ago) was the first day I have not cried much since mom died - even though I feel like it at times. There are no tears. Haven't cried yesterday or today either. Instead I am angry - haven't felt that way since mom died. I am angry because of the suffering my mom and first daughter Lauren experienced. Angry that I had to sit by and watch my 6 month old daughter and my mother struggle to breathe. Helpless to the fear in their eyes. Angry that I had to give birth to my third little girl Maura, after she had died. Angry that I lost my friend at 17. I know that anger is normal and expected, but why did my tears just stop like that? Did that happen to anyone else? Am I angry now because I can't cry? I feel very badly about it because I have been yelling at my golden retrievers   ; they mean the world to me.  I get annoyed at stuff so easily. I hate feeling that way. I think that my new med is kicking in thankfully.

[kayc]

I hope you will watch the video listed under Loss of Spouse section in the mediums thread.  One of the important things I gleaned from it that I found helpful to me personally, is that the (dying) person's experience is not necessarily what WE see.  They may not be in pain or feel conflicted.  To me that is very reassuring, esp. if you've witness a horrid death (like my husband as he's suffering his last heart attack).  It's comforting to hear her experience in this video.

Edited September 17, 2015 by MartyT
Link inserted

[Ceili]

kayc     - Thank you. I did have a dream about 1 week ago where my mom (still sick but not sick?) was relaxing in a big blue pool. Her face was radiant, her eyes closed. She said (without speaking), "I feel so much better now." I initially was upset when I woke up but am finally soaking in the message.

[kayc]

That is so special!  I know with all my heart that my mom is in a better place now.  It was hard to watch her go downhill, esp. towards the end, she wanted to much to go, and she finally got to.