It's been over 8 weeks and I still don't believe it - am I crazy?

[Ricky]

My beloved partner had a brain aneurysm on Friday 24 July and the machines were turned off on 27 July. He was only 31 and his death was completely out of the blue and totally unexpected.

It is over 8 weeks now and I still don't believe that he is not coming back. I miss him tremendously but I am still waiting for him to come home. Every day around 5.30pm, when he normally finished work, I look out the window down the street wondering when he will be home.

My partner and I migrated from Switzerland to Australia a few years ago. Last year my partners grandmother got very sick and my partner went back to Switzerland to see her one more time (I stayed in Australia because I could not take time off work). The last few days I have been feeling exactly like I felt when he was in Switzerland last November. I feel like I am 'killing the time', waiting for his return and missing him very much. I am wondering if my brain is playing a trick on me.. I feel like I have been in complete denial, as if I will wake up one day and it was only a nightmare.

I know grief is very individual but I wonder if others have felt the same way after 2 months? Shouldn't I understand by now what has happened? I saw him at the hospital and I attended the funeral yet I still don't believe it.

I wonder how much time passed for others until 'realisation hit'?

Thanks for reading.

Edited September 22, 2015 by Ricky

[nats]

Hello Ricky,

It's been a bit since I've posted but I continue to receive "new" post notifications and yours caught my attention with your question/topic.

What you are feeling is "normal" if there is a normal to grief. It's been 5 years and 7 months since my wife/partner/best friend left this mortal world.
The grief at times is still very much alive, but "manageable" now.

Your question about ours loved ones is indeed a rough part of the loss, for me it took well over a year to not expect Ruth to return home.
The phones calls during the day are another part that did not settle for quite some time.
The last 9 months we spent every waking hour together except when she was well enough for me to work.

After her passing I found myself hurrying home each day to be with her only to find an empty house. We had many stays at the hospital and the last one she did not return to our home. This goes on for quite some time, in fact I still have days that I can not believe she is no longer here.

My way of coping was to talk to her, just as if she were there, at times I melted down during our conversations but it helped me.
Each one of us has to find our own way of accepting the realization our loved ones are no longer here with us, but they will always be with us in our heart, mind and soul. 

The other factor in accepting her departure from this world is my "faith", I know one day we will be reunited once again, that is very powerful and reassuring to me.

Time must be taken one day at a time during our grief as we can not hurry it up and it will never, ever really leave us, but I really don't want it to leave me completely as if that happens it means I have forgotten my beloved wife/partner/best friend, and I do not ever want to forget what we shared, even now as I write this to you I am a bundle of tears thinking and remembering the days past...

I would advise you to find something that offers you comfort in any way as you move thru this very difficult time, it really doesn't matter how complex or simple it is, nor does it matter what people think if you share with them, if it helps you that is all that matters.

I Pray for your comfort, and that you will find a way to also manage your loss as time goes by.

May you find peace.
Nats

[Guest]

I also lost my darling wife eight weeks ago after a seventeen month battle with lung cancer.  She was my life, my best friend, my lover and my love.  Ours was a fairy tale marriage.  My wife passed on July 29th.  We had had thirty-six years and two months of marriage. And I still want more.  I miss her every minute of every day.  

In those seventeen months I went from working full time; to working full time and being a full time caregiver; to being a full time caregiver; to waking each morning in an empty house.  I have frequent melt downs, I have not found a way to get the sleep I need so I feel constantly ill.  I find it difficult to focus on television so I read but I can only read books I've read before; books that don't require much focus.  I spend my time building shrines that someday may give me comfort.  I cry every day and then try to find anything to distract me.  Long walks through the woods help somewhat as I have always found peace there.  

I was with my wife throughout her illness and it was not an easy illness.  It started with a collapsed lung with they put in her power port and every thing that was done to provide comfort ended up creating physical pain and distress. It was seventeen months of watching the most remarkable, caring, loving, forgiving, compassionate person being taken away from me piece by piece and yet she endured with amazing grace, beauty and dignity.  

I was relieved for her when she did pass but that was when my pain started.  This is a pain unlike anything I have ever experienced. I see a grievance counselor, I attend a support group, I am seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow to try to resolve my sleep issues, and still I am overwhelmed with grief.  Possibly because of what I've been through I know my Deedo is not coming back and can only hope to see her again someday when my time comes.  That offers little consolation for tomorrow or the day after.

I guess what I am trying to say is that grief is individual, grief is a process, grief is permanent.  Don't worry about accepting your partners death.  There is no timeline.  I am sp sorry for your loss.  

[kayc]

Ricky,

There is no timeline for how long it takes, everyone's situation is different. Try to ride with the flow, it's a long ride but ever changing.  When you have a sudden death like that, it's a shock and it can take a while for it to all seep in, let alone process it.

 

Brad,

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife, your best friend and love of your life.  Going from caregiver to total aloneness is drastic to comprehend, let alone deal with.  You're doing all the right things and it'll help, little by little.  I hope you are getting help from your grief counselor.

I also hope you get some help for your sleep.  I remember those sleepless nights (It's been ten years for me).  The doctor offered me sleeping pills but I declined...in looking back, I think maybe I should have taken them.  I needed sleep so bad!  I'd felt it was a long term situation (he wasn't coming back) and didn't want to be on sleeping pills the rest of my life.  What I didn't realize at the time is that as we begin to process this, we hone our coping abilities and eventually adjust to our new way of life, not that we like it any better.  But the sleeplessness usually gets better.  It's good to get help and 18 months is a long time to have this problem, so I'm glad you'll be seeing someone about it.  It takes us feeling at our best to give ourselves the optimum chance at getting through this with any positive outcome.

[scba]

Dear Ricky,

I can understand you. It's a year to me and I still think that he may come back. Not frequently, but I still do. I believe we will always wait for them even 50 years later, because our relationships were not over, they were interrupted by death. Our hearts are still in love with them, and so we wait. I think that this sensation never goes away, perhaps it will change form with time.

"We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral, we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves the for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue (...) Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief was we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.”  (Jean Didion, The year of magical thinking). 

 

[mittam99]

I lost my beloved and precious wife Tammy suddenly on March 6. 2015. Now, 6 and 1/2 months later, I still can't believe it happened. Still can't fathom that she isn't just on some extended vacation and coming back. When you love someone deeply, I believe the grief lasts a lifetime. It may change over time but grieving will always be there. After all, the person you lost was your everything. Your world is changed forever in an emotionally powerful way.

I just basically take it one day at a time. The waves of grief will always be there but someday they may not overwhelm  as much.

Ricky, what you are feeling is absolutely normal and to be expected.

Brad...

I was my wife's caregiver as well. My wife Tammy went through medical ordeals that no one should ever have to and I was by her side always. I know people will say "she's not in pain anymore", but that's little consolation to those of us left behind. We want our loved ones to be pain free, but... alive! One of the tough things about being a caregiver and grieving is the added guilt that goes with it. What more could I have done or what didn't I do... etc. 

The bottom line is that this is clearly the hardest and most emotional thing any of us will go through. 

What keeps me going is that I want to live my life in a way that honors my lovely wife Tammy. Tammy will be with me... heart and soul, for all my life.

 

Edited September 22, 2015 by mittam99

[scba]

My experience with his funeral was strange. That day I felt it was MY funeral, OUR dream's funeral, like saying goodbye to me. The poem I wrote, his father's eulology, the music played, the whole ceremony. I never felt his presence there. 

[Guest]

Hello Mitch,

Your words resonate with me.  When I think of the past seventeen months I am struck by the energy and determination my Deedo showed in getting as many days as she could.  She loved and cherished every day she had from the time I met her 37 years ago to the last words we shared fifty-eight days ago.  It is that determination that I wish to honor although I frequently want to join her today.  I always admired the energy, compassion and forgiveness which were the cornerstones of Deedo's life.  I tend to be more judgmental and am working on changing that.

 

Hello Ricky,

I think what you are going through expecting your partner to come home is perfectly normal especially with the suddenness of his death.  Although it was very traumatic for me to go through what I went through; at least I had seventeen months of being able to prepare somewhat for the inevitable.  My pain is the missing part and not being able to see any future without my wife in it.  But even then I still am in a state of shock that this is now my life.  I so wish it was a nightmare.  To answer your question "Am I crazy?"  I am convinced that I am crazy.  I'm the one who has always met life head on and now I am completely out of control.  I believe that grief; the gut wrenching, bone jarring grief of losing someone so near and dear to your heart, makes you crazy.  I don't know why I can't sleep nor eat but I can't.  I cry every time anyone asks: "How are you?" I wallow in my misery and am isolating myself from all but the very closest of family.  I am crazy.  Hence I would assume you are to and will be for a while until you can start to adjust to your new reality.  

SCBA -

Our Celebration of Life for my wife was also very surreal.  It was well attended and something that Deedo would have loved but then she also would have been surprised by the turnout.  She always said not to have anything because no one would come.  Sadly she never saw the impact she had on others.  

I still haven't felt her presence anywhere.  I surround myself with her memories trying to find ways to honor and revel in the person she was but so much of my pain is the emptiness and loneliness I have within my grief.

Edited September 22, 2015 by Brad

[R.Everit55]

There is no time limit on our grief journeys.  It's been 8 1/2 months since my darling wife passed and still most days are surreal for me. Give yourself a lot of time.  And don't be hard on yourself.  Yes we are all on a grief journey but there are no comparisons on when things pan out or when feelings happen.  You will go through feelings that will repeat themselves.  

Mom so sorry for your losses.  

Peace to your hearts

Butch

[debi.williams]

Dear Ricky, I have been thinking about you a lot because our experiences are so alike. I feel the same. I cannot move his shoes from the stairs in case he needs them when he comes home. Intellectually, I know that is not going to happen but spiritually I cannot accept I will never see him living on this earth again. that he will never whisper my name or hug me and hold my hand, cook with me, pick me up from work, chat about the little details of life and parent our son with me. It is too much to bear. 

Scba has quoted from the book 'The Year of Magical Thinking' which I recommend as the author (Joan Didion) experiences and talks about the sense of her husband (who also died very suddenly) coming back. 

Every morning my son leaves for school and turns his head to look at his father's car. His dad always took him to school. This is the legacy of sudden death. No time to prepare, just a void and the unreality. I still walk around like a zombie half the time (2 months after) asking myself, why him? why us? 

Brad, like your beautiful Deedo, my husband was kind and compassionate. I am, like you, the more judgmental one. Maybe that is the lesson I have been given to learn through this nightmare. I haven't really felt him yet and it distresses me greatly as we were so close and co dependent in our relationship. He was truly my other half.

Nats, I think your advice of talking to your wife is true and I think it helps. Sometimes though I cannot even begin to speak I am so choked. I don't want my husband to feel guilty in anyway for his sudden passing so young, nor do I want him to see my distress. I don't want to upset him in any way.

I think if the truth be known we are all a little crazy and that is part of grief, because what has happened to each of us has rocked our world/belief system/normality/life and who wouldn't be crazy after that?