A year of anguish

[Kpl48]

My husband died of lung cancer on October 2 2014. He was diagnosed a year before he died. He had stage 4 terminal lung cancer so we opted for hospice. He was at home the whole time which was wonderful. He started declining in September 2014, but was mobile and alert up to the day before he died. I'm so grateful we had that quality year together. We were married 23 years. 

I have cried everyday since he died. The worst is when I'm home alone or driving alone in my car. I get some relief when I'm out at support group meetings or with my friend Sandy. When I wake up each morning I want to die to end the pain and to be with him. I do better when it's time to go to sleep. When I sleep I don't feel the pain. Before bed I even feel a little more hopeful, but on awakening that hope disappears. Another day without my husband Andre is so painful I can hardly bear it. 

I go to a grief group every Wednesday night. Fortunately this group does not end after a certain number of weeks. Some members have been there for 6 years. It's good to share and listen in my grief group, but no one shares as deeply as members on this website. I googled grief group and clicked on grief healing discussion groups and have been reading ever since. Reading all the shares helped me to feel better about the anguish I am experiencing since my husband died.

I thank God I found all of you. You tell it like it is; you put your deep grief into words. I share deeply with my therapist. She really listens and supports me. I can share fairly deeply with my cousin who listens to my words and my tears. My friend Sandy spends time with me and I'm sharing more with her as my trust grows. Others in my life don't seem to understand how much I need them to just listen to my words and accept my tears. 

This Friday Andre will have been gone one year. I will be spending most of the day with Sandy and an understanding, supportive couple (Robin and Chris). We will spend the day at Robin and Chris' house and go out for an early dinner at a nice restaurant. I know when I'm back at home alone, my anguish will be horrible. I'm so grateful that I will be able to write to all of you. I won't feel so all alone and I know you'll understand. 

I have more to share and I will as time goes on. I hope to communicate with your shares also. Again, I'm so grateful to have found all of you. The heartfelt honesty in the groups means so much to me. 

With Love - Kristine 

 

 

[kayc]

Kristine,

I'm so glad you found this site!  Welcome!  I am sorry you lost your husband, Andre. 

I'm glad you have a good group to go to and a therapist too...is your therapist trained in grief?

This is a good safe place to share from your heart.  You won't receive judgement here, only understanding and support.  I'm glad you're able to sleep, I had a hard time with that my first year at least.

It's common to want the pain to end, but we've learned here that it's important to push through the pain and learn and grow through the grieving process.  The natural reaction is to want to avoid it, but it's not something we can circumvent, it has a way of hunting us down.     I have learned so much in my grief journey that I've come to view it differently, I see it now as a rich journey, although, like everyone else here, I'd trade everything for one more minute with my George.

 

[Kpl48]

Thank you so much kayc. I've read many of your posts and have been helped by them. Yes my therapist is trained in grief counseling. That's one of the reasons I chose her. She really helps me walk through the pain. Last session we talked about letting Andre go. I can't do that yet. I need him now. Sometimes I feel him near me. As I cry I call out for him. I usually cry through out each day when I'm alone. 

When I don't have to go out, I usually stay in bed with the tv on and my little dog, Fonzie, by my side. I feel awful when I wake up. I know the day is before me. I feel I can't get through it. Without Andre everything is a struggle. I look at his photos to bring him back to me. It feels good to cry when I do this. Today I go out to lunch with Sandy and then to a 3pm appointment. I have my grief group this evening. I'm grateful to have these things to do. 

With Love - Kristine (Kpl48)

[MartyT]

Kristine, my dear, I sincerely hope that when you talk with your counselor about "letting Andre go," you are referring to the pain of losing his physical presence in your life ~ but certainly not the love you have for him. Sometimes people think the goal in grief ought to be to "let go" of the loved one ~ but it is the pain of loss that we need to "let go" of ~ and than happens only after we have mourned what we have lost. Mourning is a process, and it has no time limit. It takes as long as it takes. As you come to know the people on this site, you'll discover all sorts of ways to do your mourning as you process your loss ~ but please don't ever think that one of the "requirements" in healing grief is to "let go" of your beloved. ♥

[Kpl48]

I'm feeling very alone right now. If I shared this before, forgive me for repeating myself. I live in a small home in a resort mobile home and Rv park. I live in the California desert and have a beautiful view of the mountains from my living room. My husband and I used to sit in the living room for hours. We enjoyed the view, watched tv and played with our dog. When Andre first died I sat in the living room, but I don't anymore. I can't bear the thought of being there without him. 

Does anyone else have problems being in certain rooms of their home? What do you do about it?

Love - Kristine

[scba]

Dear Kristine, I'm sorry for your loss. It's been a year for me too, and during this first year this forum has helped me a lot. Also, my golden retriever. Pets are very healing. When my partner passed away I had to left the apartment we were renting. I miss our home but I couldn't stay. I'm living with my parents. Nothing reminds me of him here? Is it better? I don't know.

Marty, I often hear the "let him go", but implying "let him go, find love again and be happy". Implying that what remains are just "memories". Do you have a suggested reading about this "let go" issue?

[MartyT]

I do, indeed my dear. See this week's blog post (including the Related Articles listed at the base): In Grief: Aversion to Thoughts of "Acceptance" and "Moving On" ♥

[scba]

Thank you Marty!

[KATPILOT]

I see that Friday will be your first demark Kristine so I hope if your day is a difficult one that you will come here to find sanctuary. I am sorry you have to be part of this club but you have found a good place to dwell. It's funny but I still wake every morning with the thought in my mind that she's gone. It never goes away really even if I make it through my days with fewer tears.

For what it's worth scba, you can live a productive life and even find joy without "letting him go". I was told that in my first year by more than one person. I even was told that I was keeping my bride from moving on. Like I was keeping her from "going into the light" ?  Poppycock!! That's the most absurd thing I had ever heard. It was like I should have guilt laid on me too?  You just have to take one day at a time letting your love direct you. I am going on five years and I find myself still alive, doing more all the time and I haven't let go of her. Why would that ever be required? 

You have that right kayc. You can't go around grieving unless you have a powerful defense mechanism going. It does indeed find you one day. The longer it takes for it to find you, the harder the crash. I like the way you put it about about this path as a rich experience. It is indeed. No one wants to go there, but if we find ourselves on this path of life alone, we owe it to them to keep walking. Imagine what we'll find tomorrow? I wonder sometimes what Kathy wants me to discover.

[Kpl48]

Thank you Marty. I can't let him go yet. My therapist tells me Andre and I each have a new life to live and in time I need to let him go so we each can do what God intends for us. She agrees that he is my guardian angel. She is very supportive of my mourning. When I think I'm not doing enough by staying in bed when I'm home alone she assures me that I'm OK. I know I will always have Andre in my heart and soul. 

I'm crying as usual this morning. I've looked at his pictures I have saved on my iPhone. His expressions are what I remember. Each picture brings me comfort and reminds me of the deep enduring love between us. How I wish he was here with me. He is spiritually here, but not physically here. We depended on each other for everything. We were rarely apart. We kind of lived in our own world. We were soul mates.

If it wasn't for my dog and the things I've committed to do, I'd just give up. I don't want to commit suicide anymore, but I want to die. Then I think of the fate of my little dog if I died, and I know I must keep on living. Reading and posting on this group gives me hope that I can finally express all that I'm feeling. 

Love - Kristine

[Kpl48]

Thanks for your experience with others advice to let go or allow our departed other to move on. I can imagine Andre doing God's work, which includes staying close to me. I'm going to have to clarify this with my therapist. Months ago I thought the pain might lessen if I let Andre go. Now I know I need him with me!

Kristine

[Harleyquinn]

Kirstine,

 

i'm so sorry for your loss. I have not tried an in person support group, but i believe it is easier for some (at least for me) to share online. When I speak of Michael to other people, I cry....uncontrollably - which 1. makes it hard to talk and 2. makes me uncomfortable in front of people. Here I can type and cry and type and cry some more. So I do think you will see people here sharing deeper than they might in person.  

I can't describe how beneficial this forum has been for me and I hope it is the same for you

[R.Everit55]

Dear Kristine, I'm so very sorry you lost your precious Andre.  I'm glad you are in therapy and in an in person support group.  It's not been 9 months for me since I lost my Bride.  I can relate to "letting go" feeling like or fearing like forgetting.  My mind knows it means letting our loved ones go free but my heart feels it means forgetting.  But there is no way any of us can forget.  For me, my son and two young grandsons keep her more alive than I feel sometimes.  Her 52nd birthday is tomorrow.  

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers on Friday dear heart.  I'm glad you will be doing things with friends.  That takes courage.  

❤️

Butch

[KarenK]

Kristine,

I am so sorry that you have lost Andre, but glad that you have found us to walk with you during this most difficult time. I have started going to a Griefshare group that is held at a church I am attending. Of course, it is associated with religion and I find myself "pickin" and choosin" what I believe regarding the agenda. However, it is comforting to be among others who have experienced a profound loss. I did attend a widows' support group until my loss became multifaceted with the death of my daughter. After her death, I have become more lost in life than ever.

I find it difficult to "let go" of either of them. Ron was my second husband, but we were married for almost 41 years. My daughter was 50. Without a lobotomy, there is no way to dim all those memories, good and bad. Perhaps that is just my nature or opinion.

As far as rooms or locations you frequented with your spouse, that is a tough one. I found that in time, I could actually go shopping alone or to the restaurants we would frequent with a group or my son. I don't eat out alone. I cannot visit the places we made trips to as I can no longer afford to. I would somehow"put on my big girl panties" and go if I could. Even at my age, I love a new adventure. I spend the majority of my time in the family room. It is the room where Ron lay on the couch and watched TV, the room that displays his collectibles that I have been able to retain, and the same room where he died on the hospital bed. At first it was very difficult. The bed remained for 2 days after he left due to no weekend pickup and I slept(not really) on the couch, as my daughter & son-in-law were in my bed. I got through it. I did replace the couch, but used to look and see if he was there. I'll always remember his hollering at me back in the bedroom "Did you hear that?", referring to something that had been said on TV. Of course not. I couldn't hear the TV from the bedroom. (Sorry, another one of those many memories creeping in).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it will get better. Not great, just better. Somehow we learn to accept it, because we can't change it.

Karen

[Kpl48]

Thank you all for your shares and support. RD so good we have each other because we really understand what it's like. I've been with people since this afternoon, which is a good thing because this takes my mind off of how much I miss Andre. I'm going to be out with friends tomorrow also. I've pretty much filled these coming days with being out with friends. I think this will help me get through my husband's death date of October 2. And when I'm home alone, I don't really have to be alone because I can read the shares on the grief groups topics and write too. I'm very grateful!

Kristine

[debi.williams]

Dear Kristine, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Andre. I lost my husband very suddenly at aged 49yrs in August. This forum has been a blessing to me ever since. I will be sending all courage and support to you across the miles for tomorrow. I am glad you have company and comfort for at least a part of the day. God bless you and love you. 

I think 'letting go' is a fashionable phrase and unless it means 'of guilt or anger' (they just eat you away and are distressing for our loved ones I feel) I cannot subscribe to it. My husband and I would never have 'let go' of each other in life so why should we consider that now he is no longer on this earth? learning to exist without our loved ones is not the same as letting go of them. Learning to smile is not letting go. Even if you are able to form a love relationship again (not an option for me) it is not 'letting go' I believe our loved ones are woven into the very fabric of our being. They are part of what makes us...'US'. Soulmates are soulmates Kristine and we will be forever connected;

As for which rooms are the most difficult, to be honest it is everywhere he isn't, but the bedroom where all his clothes hang and of course the living room and his favorite spot on the couch,  Just like you Kristine I keep 'willing' him to be there and which will be forever empty without him. Unfortunately I haven't found a way to deal with that part

[Harleyquinn]

I could never let go of Michael. Even while he was here after our divorce I never let go of him really... he was always in my heart, on my mind- it was always there that we were supposed to be together one day. 

he felt the same. 

I could never let go of him while he was here so there is no way i would let go of him now....our memories... the moments that made us fall so deeply in love 

[kayc]

It's been ten years for me and I STILL don't like the term "letting go" unless it refers, like Marty said, to the pain, fear, etc.  I would never willingly "let go" of George or our life together, that's absurd, like Stephen said!  Sometimes therapists use terms that mean something different to them than it sounds to us, so I'd clarify it with her if it doesn't feel right to you.  Tell her why it doesn't feel right so she can explain the semantics to you that she intended.  Sometimes it helps if they use different terminology.  They aren't sitting where we're sitting, to us it's very emotional, very hard!

I had an equally hard time with the word "acceptance".  Perhaps when it was used on me by my counselor, it was just way too soon (two weeks out). I did NOT choose to "have our marriage end" (another phrase that was put to me).  I have (finally) accepted that my life is now different, but that doesn't mean I liked or agreed with those changes, just that it happened.  I had my wedding ring resized at great expense so I could wear it again...and then I lost weight so it was too loose, so I wear it on my right hand now, which I intend to do the rest of my life as it brings me comfort and is a reminder that there was a very special man in the world that loved me above all others, a man I was so blessed to have, my soul mate and best friend.

[Kpl48]

I'm going to talk with my therapist about the idea of letting go. I'm going to tell her I'm not ever going to let my Andre go. I know he is dead, so he is no longer physically there for me (I wish he was still alive). But I know he is my guardian angel looking on and helping me to live a new life. I know I will see him when I die. We will be together again, happy and in love. I hope she understands this as she has helped me a lot. If not, I'll find another therapist because I do need help. Thank you for telling me about not letting go of your loved ones. 

Today I had coffee with two friends, went to my support group and then had a good healthy lunch with a friend. I feel better when I'm with friends; it occupies my thinking. I can't get into depth about my grief with most friends. All of them know tomorrow is Andre's death day and they are caring and empathetic. I think they just don't know what to do if I sobbed and wailed in front of them. I don't think they know how to listen to my mourning and my grief. That's what is so special about all of you. I can express all my feelings as I cry and hurt from the pain of my loss. I read all of your shares and I know we understand each other. I'm no longer alone with my despair. 

Last year today was the day before he died. He was home. He could still sit in his chair, but could barely talk and he was coughing up blood from his lung cancer. About five or six of his friends and his daughter had made the 2 1/2 hour drive to the desert to be with him. It was wonderful that they were here. Early evening he had to lay down in our bedroom. We all let him rest with one or two friends alternating to be by his side. 

As time went on Andre got worse and worse. He could no longer sit up and was coughing up more blood. I called the hospice nurse who told me to start giving him morphine. That really helped him to be more comfortable. A hospital bed was delivered and we were able to get him into it. A catheter was hooked up and liquid morphine was delivered. A hospice nurse came to see him. Our friends and several of our neighbors came to quietly sit by his bed. He couldn't talk anymore. His daughter had gone home but was coming back in the morning. 

Andre was comfortable, but he was out of it. Most of our friends went home. A close friend of many years and her boyfriend stayed overnight. They remained with me until early morning. Then they went to their room to rest and I rested near my husband. He began to try to get out of bed saying a big hand was coming down to him and he had to go to it. I got him back in bed by telling him the hand would come to him and then he could grab hold of it. I believe this was God. He accepted that and lay back down. I tried to rest but he kept moving around in the bed. I worried he would pull out the catheter so I kept trying to calm him. He was coughing up a lot of blood by now and was in pain, so I gave him morphine which helped him. 

He kept struggling so I called our friends from their room. They told me to get some rest while they stayed up with him. I guess I fell asleep. The next thing I knew our friend was tapping my shoulder. I woke. She told me Andre was gone! I went to his bed. She had closed his eyes and folded his hands on his chest. He looked so peaceful. I called to him as I cried. I told him good bye as I kissed his beautiful lips and face. I think she called the hospice and a nurse came right away. The nurse took care of everything. 

The nurse asked me did I want Andre's ring and necklace. I said yes and the nurse respectfully gave me my husband's jewelry. Andre was taken away and the hospital bed was picked up. I'm so grateful my friends and the nurse took care of all of this. Even though I knew it was Andre's time to die, I'm sure I was in shock. Flowers and condolences arrived. Our friend and her boyfriend lovingly stayed until Andre's daughter arrived. His daughter stayed over with me until my cousin arrived. My cousin spent the week with me. I felt loved and taken care of. Everyone's participation meant so much to me. 

After a week, my cousin left. A neighbor/friend was there for me, but I was ALONE! Alone without my Andre. I know I was in shock. The doctor had said he would live about a year from the date of diagnoses and he died a couple of weeks beyond that year. Andre started really declining about a week before he died. He could sit up, walk and talk up to two days before he died. I'm so thankful we opted for hospice. He didn't have to suffer from all the cancer treatments and side effects. His lung cancer was stage four terminal. I thank God for the wonderful quality year we had together. 

I needed to tell this story on the day before he died. I've told my therapist and my grief group the story. I felt reluctant to share these specifics with friends and at my support groups. I only want to share this with those who will really listen and understand and just let me grieve with out the uncomfortable well meaning comments. I am home alone as I write all of this. I'm crying and my little dog Fonzie is laying by my side. I'm comforted knowing some of you will read this long story. Thank you so much for being there for me. 

Love - Kristine (Kpl48)

[R.Everit55]

I wish I had words for you dear Kristine.  I offer many virtual hugs and many prayers.  You are not alone.  

Im crying a lot tonight.  I have a little dog too... Named Little Man.  He stays right beside me too.  Let your little pup comfort you.

❤️

Butch 

[kevin]

Kristine, your feelings have been experienced by all of us ,and , if we are 100% honest, all thought about joining our loved one immediately.  It is Natural. I am now on day 66 and just starting to think half straight.......If not from reading this board, and seeing how everyone is dealing with their Grief, I would still be a basket case.........Once I  accepted my Grief will always be there, and my Love will always be there, things started making sense. ........You don't get over anything, you learn to handle it, with respect........Joined Heart and Stroke as a Volunteer Canvasser.....I may come a knocking.....  

[Kpl48]

Yes, I wanted to join my husband soon after he died. I felt like killing myself. But I didn't. I talked to understanding people about it and that helped. Now I do look forward to being with Andre when I die. I often wish that day would come very soon. I've come to accept that I don't know when that day will come. Until then there is grief and loving memories. I know Andre is with me. I just miss him so much. I know you understand. 

[debi.williams]

Kristine, my tears flowed when I read your loving and eloquent writing about your beloved Andre. It touched my soul. How wonderful that Andre was aware of a hand reaching out to him. I believe this was the Almighty too, coming to relieve his suffering and take him home. He was surrounded by people who loved and cared for him at the end - most of all you HIS beloved- and in the final analysis it is what we can all only hope for. It certainly sounds as though the lovely nurse treated you with respect and Andre with dignity.

We had to make the decision to turn off the machines when my beloved husband passed and after his last breath, the very kind nurses asked us to leave and they would prepare him for us to see him without tubes. When we returned (my year old son and I) my lovely husband looked so peaceful too, like the man I met and fell so deeply in love with almost 20 years earlier, young and beautiful.

The immediate aftermath is full of well wishers and friends and we are caught up in a whirlwind of support and love, but then as you say, you are alone and that is when, in my view, the struggle really starts.

I understand very well how difficult it is to confide in friends your innermost thoughts and feelings of grief. When you get upset they are upset and often come out with heartfelt but misplaced advice and guidance that can leave you feeling worse. 

Be kind to yourself Kristine, you have been through so much as have we all here. I wish you courage and love and here is an outlet for your grief, there will always be someone to listen and understand. 

[MartyT]

Kristine, my dear, your description of what happened the day before your beloved Andre died is so touching ~ thank you for sharing those details with us. ♥

Yesterday I recommended an article to Harleyquinn that I hope you will read, too, as it has to do with maintaining the connection with your loved one after death: Love After Death, by Alexandra Kennedy. You might also be interested in Alexandra's book, Your Loved One Lives On Within You. If you click on the title, you can read Amazon's description and reviews to see if its content appeals to you. 

[kayc]

Kristine, my heartfelt prayers are with you today.  I feel honored that you shared your story with us.  I'm glad you were able to have that last year together and that Andre didn't have to suffer so much because of hospice' help and your loving care.

I would think a support group should listen and care too, that is what they are supposed to be there for.