Just Rambling On

[Guest]

Just came home from what has turned into a daily ritual.  I walk over to the lake, sit on the same stump and have a conversation with my wife: let her know how I'm doing, how the kids and grandkids are; cry a lot and like most of you tell how much I miss her, how much I love her, how wonderful she is, and how lucky I was that she chose me to spend the last thirty-seven years and two months of her life with.  I let her know how throughout our lives together I wanted daily to become the man she thought I was.  This made me better.

Ours was a fairy tale marriage; everything we wanted, we wanted together.  We would travel for hours and hours always deep in conversation.  We really didn't have the radio on because it was to much of a distraction from our talks.  When the kids were with us we still talked the entire time only it would be five voices instead of two.  

My precious bride died nearly ten weeks ago after a long and difficult battle with lung cancer.  My world, like yours, was literally turned upside down.  I had never experienced grief and the grief I am going through has shaken me to the core.  My birthday was three weeks to the day after she left this world.  It was the darkest and blackest day I have ever known.  I called the counselor who had helped us through her disease sobbing hysterically and fortunately she agreed to see me.  I am seeing her weekly, going to a Hospice of the Valley support group twice a month and have just started seeing a psychiatrist to help me with the lack of sleep, lack of appetite and my depression.  It was so bad I avoided talking to anyone I know because I could not control the tears.  I was started on Remeron to help with all three symptoms.  For me it is working.  I sleep, not well but longer; more than three to four hours a night.  My appetite is improving; the weight loss is slowing down.  And I can talk to people without becoming a sobbing mess.  I still have really bad days and not so bad days but the not as bad days are becoming more frequently.  I cry multiple times daily but I've learned that if I structure a crying time in the morning, where I read the letter she left me, look at pictures and just really allow myself to reach down into the depths off my pain, I (1) feel like this is a rejuvenating cry and (2) find that, for the most part, my days a maybe a little bit better.  I can then focus more on the wonderment of our relationship and not so much on my pain.

Like most of you I am trying to live in the moment, minute by minute.

I lurk this site several times a day and have found a warm, caring community of people who are faced with the worst thing I have ever faced.  

Thank you for sharing the breadth and depth of your loves as well as the breadth and depth of your pain.

Edited October 5, 2015 by Brad

[kevin]

Brad, Nice picture.........I do something very similar, walk the trail by the river where Angela and I walked hundreds of times. It took me a month before I could walk it alone. And Brad, at certain Benches on the trail, I stop and talk to Angela.....The last couple of years were demanding on me, but they were the best two years of my life......tomorrow is another day and the Sun will rise.

[KATPILOT]

Brad I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you found this site.  The story book thing? I so get that. I sometimes think if it wasn't for HOV I would never have made it.  The individual counseling did in fact save my life and the group meetings were important as well. Sometimes when you feel the pain of others, it eases your own. Can't quite explain why. I hope you read the book for the newly grieving. It offers much to help as the first year goes along. You can't love someone as deeply as you do without the devastating pain of this loss. I know you have seen this in the publications of HOV but it is stuck on my fridge and has been there for the last four years and nine months.

"It will never be the same.

 I will never be the same.

        You came.

        We loved.

        You left.

I will survive until I survive

   And one day I will find

     Myself alive again.

I can tell you that today I do feel alive again. I can also tell you that there are days when I still cry. It never truly ends but neither does the love. The love I have for my bride has only grown stronger and will remain forever and it happened one day at a time!

There is a "Light Up Your Life" event in November.  Consider attending because it is a most beautiful event and if you find it hard to go alone, I would be more than happy to take you.

Stephen

 

 

Edited October 5, 2015 by MartyT
Link inserted

[Guest]

Stephen -

Thank you for the validation and the hope.  The quote is spot on.  Also I learned about the Light Up A Life event in November at my HOV support group and have already submitted Deedo's picture for it.  My daughter and I will be there.  Thanks so much for the invitation.

Kevin - You're right.  Being a caregiver and watching your loved one slowly slip away is so demanding and yet I too found it so rewarding and I was so honored to be a comfort system for Deedo as she made this journey.

Brad

[kayc]

Brad,

I have heard of others also who have structured their grief and set aside a time to grieve, give way to their tears.  It helps them when they have to function at work and in other areas of their lives.  That you have discovered this works on your own is amazing.

Thank you for sharing that picture with us, it is beautiful.  I derive much comfort from nature, it was my husband's and my passion.

[Harleyquinn]

i just read this and mentioned on another post I do something similar

I give myself time to talk to Michael and cry in the morning before work and at night before bed. 

It helps me be able to stay focused on work and not break down completely during the day 

[debi.williams]

What a wonderful picture Brad. Who can doubt there is a creator and there is some sense to all of this even our grief?