Kpl48 Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 October 2 2014 was the day my husband died. He told me he wanted me to make friends and to go out into the world - to build a new life. Over this year I have developed friendships in the support groups I go to. Friday, Saturday and today (Sunday) I made sure I went out with friends. This has helped me feel I'm part of life. They all knew this was a very difficult time for me. They were very caring and supportive. I'm so grateful. During these three days I continue to grieve over Andre when I'm alone at home or alone in the car. In the mornings it is the most painful. I wake up and don't want to face the day without my husband. I can't seem to feel good or secure about the day ahead of me. I have tasks and chores to do, but I only do what's the very most important. I just seem to be unable to move forward when I'm at home. Andre was always with me and we stayed home most of the time. I feel so lonely for him. When I'm home I usually stay in the bedroom, in bed with my dog, watching tv, sometimes reading and reading or writing emails. I don't cook anymore because I just can't eat what I've cooked even though it tastes good. I eat prepared food or I eat out. We used to eat together. Now I just woof the food down if I'm home alone. When I eat out, I eat at a normal pace. I like eating with other people. I need to clean my house, water my plants...I need to do lots of stuff. I'll get to it some day soon. Anyway, I wanted to share that I got through the day my husband died. I often feel like I'm just getting through life. I try to go to a support group meeting everyday; it gets me up and out into the world. I'm able to listen to others and that lessens my grief while I listen. I do the same with tv and audio books. It's all so painful with Andre gone. Kristine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 Kristine,I am impressed you've made friends. For me that's such a challenge. All of our friends were my wife's and now she's gone I am becoming more reclusive. I don't trust my ability to converse without becoming s blubbering fool. Congratulations on making it through your first death day. My wife's birthday is coming up in a little over two weeks and I'm dreading it. I think I'll be a mess and I've got family coming to visit to support me. Thoughts and prayers are with you as you start year two. Brad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 Kristine,It must have taken a lot of effort and courage to make friends and I am so happy you took Andre's advice. I cannot image how difficult Oct 2 was for you. It is a huge - for want of a better word - 'milestone'It is 9 weeks for me and like you I find the mornings the hardest. It is waking up and knowing it wasn't a nightmare and that I won't see him making coffee or watching the news on hear him in the bathroom...another day dawns and stretches ahead without my beloved. You are doing what you can. Be kind to yourself. I have to cook at home because of our son but the joy has gone from it. I make food for 3 even though there are only 2 of us now. Old habits I guess. I have to work every day, but to be honest putting on a brave face for 8 hours is hell and I collapse when I put my key in the door of the house.You will get round to doing the stuff you need to do in the house. Taking care of yourself is far more important. Try and water the plants though as nature can give us joy. Like you I feel as though I am just getting through life. Just plodding on because I have to rather than want to. The pain is so very great. I can be 'fine' for several hours then my gut feels as though I have been punched and I weep for him. I have experienced grief before with the loss of all my birth family but never like this and my husband was always the one who could comfort me.Brad, Deedo's Birthday will be hard and we can't pretend otherwise. I am so happy that you have family coming to support you on the day. I can't converse about my feelings with anyone at the moment either as I don't trust myself not to break down. I start seeing a grief counselor today so I am praying it helps. Love and courage to both of you x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 Debi - my grief counselor has been wonderful. I have an advantage in that she was also Deedo's counselor as she fought her disease so she knows both of us well. We were fortunate as this is a service provided by Mayo for all of their cancer patients and we took full advantage of it.Brad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 Kristine,I'm glad you got through the day. It's great that there's so many grief support meetings, I live in the country and there are none. It's great that you've made friends, it helps to be around those that get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted October 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted October 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 I'm so lonely for Andre today. This happens every day. I'm retired so I don't work. I wake up around 8 am every day. I try to go back to sleep because I don't think about my husband when I'm sleeping. I rarely go back to sleep. Instead I make a cup of coffee, watch tv, snuggle with my dog and read messages. I cry and cry, aching for when Andre was alive. Im in such pain. It immobilizes me. I can't seem to get out of bed unless I have a support group meeting. Then I get up and go. I feel good at the meetings. The meetings are not about grief, but I can share about it comfortably. We all have time to talk while others listen. This helps me to forget my grief during the one hour meeting time. Sometimes some of us go out to coffee or lunch after the meeting this helps me also. Most of life seems so impossible to me. I could be doing things other than meetings, but I don't. I grieve most of the time. I feel so alone...I miss being with my husband. In the year we had before he died he told me he had no regrets. He said he would not change anything in his life. He told me to keep doing things like my art and making friends. He wanted me to have a good life. I hope he forgives me for being so stuck in my grief. I can't seem to push myself to do much of anything. What do you do to overcome being frozen in grief?Kristine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 Dear Kristine, It's not easy to not grieve most of the time. I understand you. I am sure Andre forgives you and understands you because he loves you so much, just as before. how can it be differently?You mention your art. Perhaps you can re-take your art? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 It's hard to do anything BUT grieve that far out...I had to go to work two weeks after my husband died and I can't tell you how hard it was to function. Sometimes I just broke down and cried. Then my job went out of business and I had to look for another, even worse! I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing right now. And if you don't have to go to work, why not go to meetings? Whatever helps you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 Kristine, I understand the need to stay in bed hoping to go back to sleep. Deedo was diagnosed in April of 2014. I was able to keep working (I loved my job) until Feb. 9, 2015. At that time it became apparent that Deedo could no longer handle the altitude (our house is right at 7,000 feet). I quit my job and we moved to Mesa AZ. This was also closer to her treatment. When she passed I found myself empty and a life without purpose. Most days I get up and try to set goals of things to accomplish like scrubbing the bathroom. Most days nothing gets accomplished other than my hikes. I try to hike ten miles a day just to distract myself from the pain. Plus it generally just me for miles around so I can scream, cuss and yell at the unfairness of life and wonder how I can go from such a perfect life to such garbage in such a short time. I digress. Sleeping is the only time I can escape the pain. I used to be able to nap any time I wanted but now night time is my only escape. If you're an artist it may be beneficial to channel your grief into your art. But then I'm sure you've already considered that. Brad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 Brad, I found that "Reclusive" trait is too common....its like hanging out in PJ's or sweatpants, not shaving, pizza's, and just being depressed. Not healthy and not much purpose. And I found this was an easy lifestyle to slip into......I find my lists, self imposed commandments, and stringent nutrition has helped me.....now I still have my slips, but I know life is slowly getting better....This board is Aces...good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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