debi.williams Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 I know we have touched on this subject in many forum chats but I am now deriving an almost horror fascination with some of the things people have said and continue to say to me. The latest was in email form from a friend inviting Max (my son) and I for dinner. This was a spontaneous email and not in response to anything I had written her. So far, so lovely. She then added this paragraph.... I tend to face the day-to-day thinking that everything will remain the same, but your personal story obliterates that reasoning completely. It proves to me that we all have to think about the future and make mental notes that people we love the most and are closest to may disappear from our lives from one moment to the next. Nothing can be taken for granted that's for sure. Matthew's sudden passing has forced Pete and me to reassess our future and we've started to talk about the "what ifs." His message from beyond is "look what happened to me and start planning ahead right now!!" Thank you dear Matthew for helping us to see the light!Now it is entirely possible that I am being overly sensitive - and who isn't in grief? - but attributing words to my husband from beyond the grave is beyond the pail as far as I am concerned. Not only had she only met my husband on maybe 6-7 occasions, and therefore didn't know him 'well' to presume his message would be that is about as far from the truth of the man it took my breath away.His message would be to Max and I for us to have courage and strength and to say he was missing us and was sorry his allotted time was up and that he couldn't be there to help us and love us. Am I being overly sensitive? This is also a person who visited me and said 'I have only just accepted that Mathew has gone' .....SHE has 'only just accepted'? How did this become about her?What are your thoughts? I thought it might be useful to get off our chests some of the crass things people say to us, if only just to get them 'out there' and also that anyone visiting this blog for any reason may learn what NOT to say..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 Debi,It is a bit bizarre to me also. Perhaps she had good intentions, but did not consider your feelings with her content. I definitely don't think it is appropriate in an email, of all things, to a person so recently widowed.Having no close friends, I have not had to fend off any strange comments. Many people open their mouths before their brain is fully engaged. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 Yes I think her intentions are good Karen but I have noticed (sorry I sound so critical now and I shouldn't) but pretty much every conversation I have with her comes round to the death of her Father over 25 years ago. I am not saying for a moment the grief is not still there for her and we know only too well it never goes away, but the loss of my Mom and husband are so recent.Oh well. You are right people do open their mouths without engaging their brains! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 I think you hit the nail on the head when you said everything seems to be about HER. I would tell her that his passing and your grief is not about her, it is about you and Max who knew and loved him and if he had a message from beyond it would be for the two of you, not someone who was just an acquaintance. No you are not being overly sensitive. I would carefully choose who I chose to be around during this time as you need people around that are supportive and sensitive, not people that upset you. I'm sorry she upset you. It seems to me some people aren't worth the trouble they cause us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) I have mixed feelings about people's remarks. I think some people try to find a sense for Them, try to confort Them and validate Their beliefs, forgetting US. However, what I cannot tolerate are the statements about my boyfriend being sick therefore he was going to die. And on top, "THERE IS A REASON, things happens for a Reason"Through this journey, we are learning to "sense" who can walk with us. And you have right to feel sensitive about any comment that hurts you.KayC you are right, during this time is better to avoid those who upset us. Edited October 6, 2015 by scba Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 I know we have touched on this subject in many forum chats but I am now deriving an almost horror fascination with some of the things people have said and continue to say to me. The latest was in email form from a friend inviting Max (my son) and I for dinner. This was a spontaneous email and not in response to anything I had written her. So far, so lovely. She then added this paragraph.... I tend to face the day-to-day thinking that everything will remain the same, but your personal story obliterates that reasoning completely. It proves to me that we all have to think about the future and make mental notes that people we love the most and are closest to may disappear from our lives from one moment to the next. Nothing can be taken for granted that's for sure. Matthew's sudden passing has forced Pete and me to reassess our future and we've started to talk about the "what ifs." His message from beyond is "look what happened to me and start planning ahead right now!!" Thank you dear Matthew for helping us to see the light!Now it is entirely possible that I am being overly sensitive - and who isn't in grief? - but attributing words to my husband from beyond the grave is beyond the pail as far as I am concerned. Not only had she only met my husband on maybe 6-7 occasions, and therefore didn't know him 'well' to presume his message would be that is about as far from the truth of the man it took my breath away.His message would be to Max and I for us to have courage and strength and to say he was missing us and was sorry his allotted time was up and that he couldn't be there to help us and love us. Am I being overly sensitive? This is also a person who visited me and said 'I have only just accepted that Mathew has gone' .....SHE has 'only just accepted'? How did this become about her?What are your thoughts? I thought it might be useful to get off our chests some of the crass things people say to us, if only just to get them 'out there' and also that anyone visiting this blog for any reason may learn what NOT to say.....oh myI just saw this post. I don't even have words. I would have excused everything as "good intentions" up until His message from beyond is "look what happened to me and start planning ahead right now!!" That would not be ok with me in any way shape or form. i think things like this is why i don't discuss Michael's passing with anyone. In my case, most people in my life now were not in my life when Michael and I were married- so i've been able to work through this very privately Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 I'm constantly amazed at what some people think are words of comfort at a time like this. I'm convinced that people really do mean well but lack the experience base to fully understand what we are going through. Debi this sounds like such a case. I also think you have every right to react to it. Personally my first reaction would have been to write an informative reply... But the that may be why my circle of friends shrunk dramatically when my wife died. She was the loving and forgiving one; I have always struggled with forgiveness. That's why my motto now is "What would Deedo do?"I hate the canned comments that are passed around. Ones like "God does not give us more than we can handle." My God did not give my wife cancer. My God did not take my wife away from me far to early in life. My God does not punish good, caring, loving people. HE does not take children from their parents. Another one: "God needed another angel." - see above. I like having a discussion where we can get these comments off our chest. They hurt when left alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 You have all made me feel so much better with your support and you have validated my own feelings. Because I am so wobbly at the moment I was beginning to think that I have become overly critical and overly sensitive. Your words of support tell me otherwise. Kayc you are so right when you say we should carefully choose the people who are around us at this time because we are all so fragile. To be honest I think some people are happy to share the good times but when the dark days arrive for us they either vanish or only want you to comfort them. The imagined words of Mathew from beyond the grave are exactly what upset me as you are SO right. If he had a message it would be to US not HER. She didn't know him well, she was not his sister or cousin etc. To even imagine what he would say is breathtaking beyond belief.Scba the idea of there being a REASON angers me so much because unless the reason is extreme old age, the person was 100 years old for example and the reason is old age and natural causes, then it is meaningless isn't it? Trying to find a reason as to why you have been robbed of the love of your life your past, present and future is ridiculous. Shame on anyone who tries to 'reason our loss away'Harleyquinn, as I said above to KayC, that part is exactly what got me. I can so see why you tell no one and work things through privately. To not do so invites these kind of comments which really hurt.Brad, I did consider writing a, shall we say, 'strong' reply but decided against. I think that I have not responded is perhaps more telling. Like your beloved Deedo, my husband was the non judgemental one, but I think even he would be shocked by this, coming from someone he has never shared his innermost feelings with. people trot out the 'Hallmark' greetings card sayings all the time, and I tend to ignore those. Even RIP should mean 'Return if possible' because let's face it, that is what we want. We want our loved ones to be happy, of course we do, but we want them to be happy HERE with US. We are only human. I wrote the phrase "God does not give us more than we can handle" (one of my mom's sayings) to someone who was suffering but followed it with "I am no longer sure about that", because I'm not anymore.You're right Brad it helps to get it off your chest and particularly when you get such support. Some days I feel I am going mad and this reassures me I'm not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted October 7, 2015 Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 Brad, I was somewhat "peed off" with the whole Religion thing when my Angela was taken so suddenly from me.....It took me a couple of weeks to come to the realization, what transpired, was the best outcome under the circumstances........I found most people giving me a nod or a simple "take care" is suffice. When somebody gets too personal, I state, not talking about that....if they persist,I repeat it with an adjective thrown in.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 7, 2015 Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 Debi- your response (or lack thereof to make a point- which i do think you are right, not responding does say so much more) is much better than mine would have been. Normally I am the calm one. When Michael and I were married I was the one who was always telling him to let things go. He was very defensive and protective of me and his family. but if someone came to me with what they believe Michael is "saying" from beyond the grave (aside from his direct family of course) I don't think I could hold back and would flip out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 8, 2015 Report Share Posted October 8, 2015 When I encounter these kinds of comments, it just calls to my attention the person's ignorance where grief (or God) is concerned. Brad, you are so right! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2015 You are right Kayc but it is so disappointing coming from people you know.I may well regret not 'Flipping out' Harleyquinn! It may have done me good to get angry. As it is I feel more pity than blame for her. She obviously has NO clue what we are going through Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 8, 2015 Report Share Posted October 8, 2015 i think some anger can do good if you use the right outlet to release it. at the gym i am adding in some punching bag time in addition to my normal running to help release some of the anger (anger that he is gone, anger at myself, anger at some of the reactions i have received from the very few people i have told...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2015 Good idea. I could use a punching bag myself. In between the crying and the loneliness and the gnawing pain I feel inside I also want to scream out loud. To have my mom taken so suddenly so recently and then to be burying my soulmate all within 15 months all without any warning is too much to bear sometimes. Always to have the 'Whys ?' too. Today has been a very tough one. Last night my husband's friend had to move my husband's car. The gas company are doing work on the street and all cars had to be moved. To see it moved from the last place my husband parked it was so extraordinarily painful. Silly really I know but I couldn't sleep properly after thatI just posted an interesting article on the Mediums thread here and I read the words "an inestimable, crushing loss." Yes exactly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 8, 2015 Report Share Posted October 8, 2015 if i had a place to put one i would have one in my house. the release you get from punching the heck out of a punching bag is really goodI have found I NEED an outlet...for all my feelings. and since I am not at a place where i want to talk, working out has become my outlet. and it works really well. I think everyone has to explore to find what works for them. also, as i've mentioned before- talking to Michael really really helps me too. the hard part is finding the WANT to go find what works. If i could lay in bed all day and cry, i would probably do that. Unfortunately i have to work and "live" life (not really living, but you know......) so i have to find ways to keep my sanity. as the time goes on, i have to add more and more to keep my mental health as best as it can be. also last night i found out my father has been diagnosed with alzheimer's..... the fact that I can function today at all is a miracle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2015 Harleyquinn I am so saddened to hear about your father's diagnosis. To have this now on top of the grief is just too much. I am so sorry.You are doing so well with your work outs, I can only imagine what determination that must take to get moving. Like you, working is not an option and sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed and face the day. the daily commute on the subway, the reminders of my husband at the office and everywhere in between. The trouble is there is no place to hide, no warm and cosy spot where I feel safe and happy anymore, because that place was wherever he was. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 9, 2015 Report Share Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) The trouble is there is no place to hide, no warm and cosy spot where I feel safe and happy anymore, because that place was wherever he was. . I totally relate to this. He was my spot. Edited October 9, 2015 by scba Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 9, 2015 Report Share Posted October 9, 2015 Thank you debi. Right now I'm taking it one moment at a time trying not to get overwhelmed Someone forwarded me this article after I was talking to them about how running has been so helpful for mehttps://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/10/08/scientists-runners-high-like-marijuana-high/It basically says a runners high is just like the high you get from marijuana.......your brain produces similar chemicals. It made me laugh a bit..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 10, 2015 Yes Scba I know and just to be in that 'spot' one more time. What bliss would that be.Great article Harleyquinn. At least running costs nothing and is legal! You are inspiring me.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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