23 days....

[Scottsgirl]

23 days since cancer took my husband. The world is very surreal right now. How is it that well meaning friends and family want you to push past this and go on with my life. Why don't they understand that my life will never be the same. I need time to mourn the love of my life. At 56 he was taken too soon. Some day I will figure out where I fit in. 

- feeling lost.

[kayc]

Scottsgirl,

I am so sorry.  Surreal is a good way to describe it, I think I was still in shock at 23 days out.They are uncomfortable because they can't fix it and don't know what to say or do.  It makes them aware of their own mortality, that's why it's so uncomfortable for them.  Well they need to realize this isn't about them, it's about YOU and your experience.

You are welcome to talk about your feelings here, or vent, whatever you need to do, we're here for you and we understand, there's a lot of people here going through similar experiences.

[Guest]

Oh Scottsgirl. 

I am so sorry. You're right 56 is way too soon. Cancer took my wife Deedo 73 days ago at 65 and it was way, way too soon. My script for us had us going together after living out all of our dreams. 

There are some amazing people here who are going through everything you're experiencing. 

I still find many moments each and every day where I cannot believe my life is where it's at. Surreal and completely unbelievable. 

We're all in for a long and challenging journey. Through it all I have discovered that there are many wonderful people in this world and a good number of them are here. 

My thoughts are with you. 

[Scottsgirl]

Th thank you for your replies. Scott was diagnosed June 2nd with small cell metastatic lung cancer. He died September 17th. Basically it was all over before it started. This type of cancer moves so aggressively and is rarely detected before it has spread all over. The oncologist called me a week after he died and said in all her years, she and her colleagues had never seen a cancer so aggressive and as resistant as this one. She really didn't expect him to see more than 6 weeks. I was blessed with 2 moths more than that.

In that short period of time I became his primary care giver and had to deal with the trauma of diagnosis and the stress of caring for him. The grief councillor I'm seeing says I have a lot to process. 

Time seems to move both slowly and with lightning speed, does that make any sense? How can it be 23 days already, seems like yesterday he drew his last breath.

[Guest]

Scottsgirl 

I know exactly what you mean about time. We seem to be caught up in a warp. My wife Deedo had adenocarcinoma of the lung. She was diagnosed with stage IIIB and lived for 17 months. She died on July 29. It was an ugly battle and I too was her care giver. 

I'm glad you're seeing a grief counselor. Mine has really been helpful. She has been so on target with her help. 

I've also found my bereavement group to be helpful and a good place to find someone locally to network with. I'm finding that friends who have not lost someone don't really understand how debilitating this grief can be. 

[kayc]

Scottsgirl,

Yes, it makes perfect sense.  It seems like just yesterday and forever at the same time. There are a lot of people here who have been a caregiver, it carries with it, as your grief counselor says, a whole lot to process.  It's like losing your sense of purpose and thus identity, as well as the person you loved.  It affects every avenue of your life.  I'm glad you're seeing a counselor.

[Scottsgirl]

Thank you so much for the reply. I'm really struggling today. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in Canada, and I have much to be thankful for. Just knowing such an exquisite love that we had, many people never find that. I try to see more positives than the obvious negatives, but the physical pain I feel from his death is quite overwhelming. I try not to focus on the loss, but the truth is he is gone and so is a piece of me. It just seems to be getting worse as the days pass. Maybe I am just coming out of the shock of it all and now the real hard part starts.

[Jay Pea]

Scottsgirl, My husband, too, died of lung cancer 5 weeks ago.  Surreal is right!  It's impossible to explain the pain to anyone who isn't familiar with it.  It's unbelievable to me that he is gone.  I'm starting a bereavement class on Thursday.  It will be the first time I've been able to meet with other people in grief face to face.  This site has been very good though I lurk more than write...it's just so hard to know what to say.  Except we are not alone.  After reading the stories here I see so many people are suffering their own losses.  

[debi.williams]

Dear Scottgirl, I am so,so sorry for the loss of your Scott. You went from diagnosis to his passing so rapidly no wonder it feels surreal and totally UNREAL. Were you and Scott able to speak about it?

I lost my husband in August from a brain hemorrhage. He was (and will always remain in earthly terms) 49 years and 2 months old. We went from a normal day of having lunch and chatting to me having to decide to turn of the life support machine in less than 24 hours. 

The shock to the physical, mental and more crucially, the emotional is simply overwhelming. Our whole world has been rocked to its very foundations and we have been brought to our knees. PLEASE don't be hurt by those that think you should 'push past' it. They have evidently never lost anyone or have a love in their lives so shallow that it is meaningless. Sorry if that offends anyone but it makes me angry that people expect you to be anything but out of your mind with grief after 23 DAYS.I even started a thread on here 'The Weird things People Say'  I totally understand your feeling that time has no meaning. Sometimes it feels like moments ago that we were sitting together chatting and eating dinner and other times it feels like it was someone else's life. His face is so clear to me and yet so distant, and even this feeling changes by the hour.

I'm afraid once the initial shock and numbness wear off (thank god for them in the early days otherwise I think we would quite literally lose our minds), the pain worsens. It has been 71 days for me and I have far more pain now. Whilst I have to hide a lot of my wracking sobs (we have a wonderful son together who turned 16 years a few weeks after his Dad passed) I also give thanks for the love that we shared. He was my soulmate and I know Scott was yours. Even in my darkest hour, of which there are many, his love sustains me and Scott's love will sustain you too. It will never take the place of the physical missing of a person but some, as you say, live their whole lives without ever having had it. I know this. I know people who haven't. 

Our grief is in direct proportion to the love we all shared with our beloved ones. That is why we are in such pain. Please come here and vent and pour out your grief, it has probably been the only thing that has saved my sanity. I wish you strength and love.

 

 

[Scottsgirl]

Debi.williams,

thank you for your reply, and my heart bleeds for you. My son turned 16 on August 28th so I can fully understand the need to not always be sobbing when they are around. They deserve to be able to get on with as much of their lives as possible, even though they go through their own grief, best we can do is be there for them when they need us. I suppose that's just what moms do. 

I can't believe the horror you went through, 24 hours, wow. I suppose I feel so blessed that Scott died exactly as he wanted to. He was at home, and he had told me to play a special song for him, when I was ready to say goodbye. The song was by Elvis, called "softly as I leave you" . The hardest thing I ever did in my life, but after a couple of hours, knowing in my heart it was time for him to go I played it for him, just after I played my favourite, unchained melody. He told me to kiss him, that I loved him and that I would take care of his mom ( who is in a nursing home with advanced dementia), he told me to go outside and have a smoke after I did all of this. I did as he asked, and when I returned a few minutes later he was gone. 

I suppose the beautiful thing about all of this was he planned out exactly how he wanted to die, and I made sure that it happened. Even if he drove me nuts while he was alive every time he played that song. I would ask him why he was playing that song that made me cry, he always told me that he liked it so. I haven't listened to either of those songs since, not sure if I ever will. 

Your husband was taken from you in the prime of your lives, I know how that feels. Then again, I don't think that losing the love of your life gets any easier at any age. 

 

[kevin]

Scottsgirl, as mentioned , your Husband left you far too early, and my heart is out there for you and your son.  Don't worry too much about the sobbing, better you release the tears than hold them back.....have a good ThanksGiving...kevin 

[debi.williams]

Scottsgirl, I had tears in my eyes reading this. What a man Scott is and what an extraordinarily beautiful passing he had, just as he wanted it. What a blessing. I cannot imagine how hard it was for you though knowing he was preparing you and himself to pass. 

There is such a beauty about Scott's strength and yours to do as he asked. Your bond of love and trust shines through. . I can understand why he asked you to go outside for a smoke as he didn't want you to see him take his last breath. He was a hero in every sense of the word.

We have been robbed of our past present and future with the men we adored, but weren't we lucky to have them?

[scba]

 

We have been robbed of our past present and future with the men we adored, but weren't we lucky to have them?

We were lucky to have them. 

[Kpl48]

A year ago my husband died of lung cancer. I'm so sorry for your loss. The waves of pain are followed by a glimpse of calm. It's essential to feel your feelings; there is no alternative. It's worst for me when I'm alone. I try to connect with others who understand. This group is very helpful. Reading and writing shares is important to me. Please stay active here. It really helps. 

Kristine

[Lisa_D]

Scottsgirl, my heart breaks for you as my love passed just a day after your Scott on September 18th at 2:46am. Mat was only 43 and had been battling cancer since April 2014. Mat fought so hard and even when we were told this was it he still said "I'm not done!" And he said it with such conviction I believed... but then hours later he was gone. I'm so so sorry for your loss. Cancer is such a horrible disease. I admire your strength, I've not found this yet. A couple weeks ago a woman in my office was walking around singing "I'm a survivor" and handing out breast cancer pencils, I wanted to stab her with it. It felt like she was rubbing it in that she survived and Mat didnt. I know that wasn't the case, heck she knew nothing of Mat's passing but when she learned last week she came and offered me such compassion and even apologized though she didn't have to. Again, I admire you and how you are handling all of this. His passing was just beautiful and what courage you had to do that for him... wow. 

[Scottsgirl]

Lisa_d,

Another good man taken in his prime by cancer. My heart is with you, I completely understand your loss.

I am amazed at YOUR strength. Are you actually back to work? I can't even process the idea of going back yet. 

My problem with going back to work is that Scott and I worked together for Walmart in the same store for 12 years. Everywhere I look in the store there is a memory. By the time I have been there 30 minutes the walls are closing in on me. Many people have not so good things to say about Walmart but I can honestly say I am blessed to work there. 

When Scott was diagnosed back in early June of this year they told me to come and go as I needed to. I was so lucky, they afforded me the luxury of spending every minute of his last 3 1/2 months with him. What employer does that? Not very many I am certain. 

I'm glad the lady with the pencils came back and was so kind to you when she understood her gaff.

You too are an amazing woman just to be able to face the workplace. I'm not there yet, still having trouble tying my shoes. 

My thoughts are with you, just take it a bit at a time. We will both get there somehow.

[kayc]

Scottsgirl,

Could you transfer to another WM?  I guess the problem with that would be missing the support of your coworkers that knew and loved him...plus the memories are poignant and bittersweet.  My heart goes out to you, I guess people who worked together or were in business together all have that.

[Scottsgirl]

Kayc,

i thought about a transfer but the truth is there is nowhere I would rather be. He had so many friends there, as do I. Each and every one of them will offer me a hug when they find me sobbing in the back room. I would have to put on a brave face anywhere else, at least there I will be able to be me. Whoever that turns out to be.

[kayc]

I understand, I'd probably feel the same way.

[debi.williams]

Scottsgirl the return to work is so difficult. I wish society let us take as long as we need before we have to return. 

I have my own business with a business partner who knew my husband very very well and is a friend as well as a partner. He has spent many hours at our home, having dinner or  with us in the yard drinking beer on hot evenings and discussing his woeful love life with my husband. We have a language school and all but the newest teachers also knew my husband. My wonderful man built doorways and doors to section off the office and build classrooms. He hung dry wipe boards and bought us our beautiful orchids for good luck when we opened. As I sit at my desk, I see his orchids, one of the doors, his favorite cup he would drink from when he popped in several times a day to drink coffee with us. There is even a pack of biscuits he left here. I sit at the desk he constructed. The triggers are endless but he supported us (me) so much in this venture I can't let him down. Failure isn't an option as every single parent knows! On the day he collapsed (a Saturday) we dropped off some supplies at the office and he put water on his orchids for the last time. Returning was one of the most painful things I have ever lived through. I can't lie. But I have received wonderful support from people. Many of the teachers came to the house and cooked and cleaned and held my hand in the immediate weeks after.

I don't talk about him here at the office, because I will lose it, but I know I could if I wanted to. I still look for his car (he dropped me off in the morning, picked me up at night and dropped in a couple of times a day sometimes) and imagine him walking in with his sweet smile and I think I always will. When I am overwhelmed, which is often,  I go to the rest room or step outside. 

There is a comfort in knowing they knew your husband so well after 12 years Scottsgirl and they sound wonderful people. It won't be easy, there will be triggers we can't lie but there are only so many times I can look at the orchids and weep, in the beginning it felt like every hour on the hour, now it is 4 or 5 times a day. I have to put a brave face on because so many clients walk through the door and I DON'T recommend it. My advice is to return to where you are known and cared for, where you can sob and get hugs. Let us know when you return because we will want to give you all the support we can.

[Lisa_D]

Scottsgirl, I'm sorry it's been a few days for my reply, yesterday was a very tough day for some reason so I secluded myself. Yes I returned to work 3 days after Mat's passing, begrudgingly of course because I am a single mom and need to pay bills. No, it's not been easy and honestly I wish I could take time off to mourn, to cry, to scream, to sit in silence... unfortunately that day has not been available to me yet. Maybe it's what's meant to be, I don't know but I'm doing what has to be done. The last week has been extremely difficult though. I find I'm crying at the drop of a dime, Mat is constantly on my mind and I'm missing his presence immensely. I'm reading and re-reading the last text messages between he and I and it's been killing me. Tonight marks 4 weeks since I last held his warm hand and heard him say he loves me. It is still so raw, so unreal... Mat was my soulmate, I can't believe he's gone... I want him healthy and here with me so much!