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My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer in June. She is 57. I am the oldest and had done all I can I have organised funeral, where my dads going to live the list goes on. I have written a good bye letter to her telling her I love you. I have two problems: my mum is a very ungrateful person. I have organised a fund so we can go on a holiday. Due to lack of funds the holiday can only be two days, she wants 7. She said doesn't it matter what I want. I was so angry. Second problem I feel really sick. I feel sick, I just want to spew, it's heavy feeling on my chest. I just want this to end. The im questioning life. I Have lost the spark and purpose. I have never felt so alone. 

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I'm sorry you are going through all this, but glad you found this place because it's a good safe place to be and know you are heard and that there are people here that care, many of them having gone through similar experiences.

You can't change your mom.  A lot of times people want to saint those that are dying or have died, but the truth is, people are all different and some of them may deserve canonizing, but a great deal of them do not and then there's all of them in between, of which most of us fit into.  My own mom was difficult to get along with in life, very negative and demanding and had very little understanding of other people's points of view or situations.  It's something I lived with all of my life.  My siblings and I were fortunate in that the last couple of years of her life her dementia and treatment softened her considerably.  

One of the things I learned over the years in dealing with my mom was to be around her only as much as I felt able to do so without needing a mental health expert afterward.  I don't know if you are taking care of your mom on a day to day basis, if you are, that makes it hard for you to do that.  But you can get hospice to come in, and maybe get someone to relieve you now and then so you can get away, even for a couple of hours, it all helps.  

A big thing I learned is that although we can't control their responses or change them, we CAN set boundaries.  What you will and will not do, will and will not listen to, what you will and will not put up with.  Boundaries on her behavior.  If you have children and your parent is hurting them in any way, it's important to protect your children.  But it's also important to protect yourself.  My siblings and I learned to laugh about some of the things we had to deal with in regards to my mom...she really was just that "different".  We were lucky to have each other as outlets to talk to, someone else who understood, because it seemed like most of the world's moms were way different than ours.  We were not raised in a June Cleaver family.  If my mom made a demand, I would counter with what I was willing/able to do, firm!  She could complain all she wanted, it wasn't going to change anything.  I would often try changing the subject, name what we can be thankful for, etc.  I know, it might fall on deaf ears, and I'm sure that's very frustrating for you, but that's where having a safe place to go to comes in...someone you can talk to, somewhere you can get away to for even short breaks.  

You are a wonderful daughter to do what you can for your mom, regardless of her deservedness or not...you are doing what you can.   I hope you will take some of the caring you have shown her and show it to yourself by taking care of yourself as well.  I hope you will see a counselor to help you through this because you are dealing with a lot all at once.  It's not good to feel such heaviness on your chest.  It's important to not feel alone in this.  Have you talked with hospice about help for you in this?  They can help point you in the right direction.  There's support groups that can also help you realize there are others going through similar experiences so you don't feel so alone. Even just getting out for a walk can help.

Your mom may not think it matters what you want, but at the end of the day it's what YOU are willing and able to do, not what she decrees.   You will be in my thoughts and prayers in these upcoming months, and I hope you will continue to come here and keep us updated.  You are bound to go through a myriad of emotions, some of them conflicting, at once, and all of them normal and to be expected.

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