32 days

[Scottsgirl]

I was hoping by this time some relief would have set in, but actually the opposite has happened. I'm more lost, confused, anxious than ever. There is nothing out there to prepare you for this nightmare. It's only once you lose your soulmate that you stumble across places like this where people actually understand. So few people understand, especially as we are relatively young. I am 50 and Scott just turned 56 3 weeks before he died.

somebody said to me last week "don't worry dear, you will find someone else". Are you kidding me????? I don't want anyone else. The unmitigated gaul of people. 

As the days pass this road gets bumpier and bumpier. Things that should have made me happy, like getting all new major appliances last week ( Scott and I had been saving for them) . They are exactly what we wanted, had dreamed about but now that they are here there is no joy in it. The victory is really hollow. 

I think what has really triggered this, outside of the obvious is that I received the documents from the insurance company for Scotts life insurance. It struck me that wow, this is what it all comes down to, a dollar figure. How depressing. I couldn't care less about the money, his life to me is invaluable. No amount of money is enough. 

So here I sit on the front porch, a very cool and windy October afternoon in Ontario Canada, contemplating how to get up and get moving with life. Scott would be very annoyed at me for being like this. I just don't know how to do it. 

[Guest]

In the letter Deedo left me she told me to "only dwell a short time o n my passing.  I want you to find peace, happiness and companionship."  I know she would be disappointed if she could see the kind of day I had this afternoon.  Scottsgirl, like you, I want to live the life Deedo wants me to live.  And like you, I really don't have a clue how to accomplish that.  And as for the companionship thing goes she obviously didn't have a clue how devoted I was, am and always will be to her.  

[Scottsgirl]

Brad,

i think you hit the nail on the head with the word devotion. 

Scott and I had more than one conversation much like the letter Deedo left for you. Although I would listen to his wishes, I always knew execution would be next to impossible. I never agreed to find someone else, the thought was and still is repulsive. 

Anyway, devotion, I kind of feel like the devotion I had for Scott in life has increased ten fold since his death. Devotion to another in life is an unspoken tenet of a good relationship. In death that devotion is magnified. At this point I believe I will remain devoted and loyal to the man of my dreams, the love of my life, for the rest of my life. 

Thanks for providing me with a fresh perspective. 

[Guest]

Deedo always saw herself as a matchmaker. Truth be told she was horrible at it. But she never gave up. When her mother died she spent the next seven years trying to find her father a companion; always with disastrous and comical results. She even started to try to find me her replacement and never understood it would never work. As we were moving into our apartment and met the neighbor, a rather attractive gal, Deedo looked at me and told me how lucky I was. I will always wear my wedding ring on my left hand and a am now wearing her wedding ring on the little finger right next to mine. I can't imagine any sane person wanting to live in that shadow. 

[Gwenivere]

I also had someone once suggest I might find someone else.  I was just as shocked when I heard that.  Getting the life insurance money was tremendously sad.  In the year Steve has been gone I have replaced 1 chair and a DVD player.  I've had lots of yard work done as that was neglected for years because of his illness.  It's all hollow and emptying me also as I cannot share it with him.  And the money?   Take every dime back and please have him walk in the door.  

I feel if the situation were reversed, your dear Scott would be feeling the very same things and have no disappointment with you. He would be trying to make sense of a life without the love of his life.  He would understand.   Steve and I talked about this before he died and he felt the disappointment for leaving me.   It's all so complicated in our hearts and minds.

[kayc]

We talked about this too, not knowing his death was so imminent.  I basically gave him permission to remarry but knew nothing would be like we were...we were soul mates, through and through.