You Should Be Over "it"

[MartyT]

You Should be Over “IT”

Thoughts by Sharon White, Cedar Rapids, Iowa

It’s been a year; you should be over it. What exactly is “IT?” I’ll tell you what “IT’ is.
IT is five days after the funeral, Thanksgiving Day, trying to find something to be thankful for.
IT is Christmas without the merry, and New Year’s without the happy.
IT is your first day back to work when every minute you are afraid you will burst into tears.
IT is his birthday, but there is no him.
IT is Valentine’s Day, only this time the roses are from your children.
IT is your birthday, and there is still no him.
IT is April 15 and you sing “filing as surviving spouse” – surviving, yes; living, no.
IT is springtime when everything comes alive except you, that is.
IT is Easter and everyone is singing “Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad” – there is no rejoicing and no glad.
IT is Mother’s Day and you sadly remember how happy he was when each child was born.
IT is Father’s Day and your kids spend it with you and there is an empty chair in the room.
IT is the 4th of July and the job of raising the flag has been passed on to your sons.
IT is vacation time and you go with your widowed friend, and you both cry together.
IT is Halloween and you pass out the candy, but the silly grandpa in the mask is absent.
IT is seeing your one-year-old grandchild take her first step knowing there should be one more set of arms reaching out to her.
IT is looking at the moon and wondering if he sees the same moon like the two of you always did when apart in the past.
IT is receiving that first wedding invitation that is addressed to you and your “guest.”
IT is going back into “that” church for the first time and remembering, but not remembering and feeling that all eyes are upon you.
IT is going to another funeral for the first time and feeling yourself shaking all over, too distraught to stay, but unable to leave.
IT is doing all the things you always did, plus all the things he always did, and doing it when all your energy has been used for grieving.
IT is being strong when you really feel weak.
IT is putting on a pasted smile when you are crying inside and saying you are okay when you really aren’t.
IT is dealing with titles and abstracts and bills and attorneys and doing it very well when all you really want to do is hibernate.
IT is a whole big bunch of stuff you didn’t ask for, didn’t want and can’t even give away.
IT is going to the cemetery and seeing the monument with his name, and it hits you in the face that this is real.
IT is feeling like a traitor when you get rid of his personal belongings.
IT is seeing couples hand in hand and tearfully glancing at the gold band he put on your ginger years ago and somehow not being able to take it off.
IT is approaching the first anniversary of his death and reliving it all – oh, yes, you are better, but the void is no less.
IT is people forgetting and you cry, and it is people remembering and you cry.
IT is a future of unknowns and uncertainties and emptiness.
IT is your wedding anniversary, and for the first time you really understand the words, “till death do us part.”
IT is in the first glimpse of sunrise and in your last waking breath, and even finds ways to creep into your sleep and your dreams.
So maybe when someone tells you that you should be over it by now, you should just tell them what “IT” really is!

[source: Bereavement Magazine July/August 2003. Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publishing, Inc., 888.604.4673

[Seanboy]

*wiping tears* Thank you Marty.

Sean...............

[lms]

Being over "IT"! I'm told working is good for me....I am exhausted. My husband died 4/26/05. He had six craniotomies over the past eleven years. Our son was five when he was first diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.

I don't want to work. I haven't any energy at the end of the day. I am an educator....dealing with children everyday,feeling guilty that my best,my heart isn't there.

lms

[Cari]

Marty,

Thank you for posting this. Sometimes, I get angry, that I seem to be the only one to acknowledge what my mother is going through, since my dad passed away this Jan. My grandparents have checked out emotionally, & the rest of the family & friends act weird. I, too, feel many of those feelings that Sharon wrote about. In fact, it was weird, on my mom & dad's anniversary March 3rd, my husband & I took my mom to dinner. We felt that regardless of being sad, we still had to take her out & have fun, as my dad would have told us to do. I tried to comfort her by reminding her what my dad would say. While my mother was clearing out my dad's belonging, she happened to find an anniversary card that he hid in his underwear drawer. (unsigned, but ready to go, in case he made it). I made her display it with all the other cards. It was touching. Through all the tears, I was so happy that my dad was able to do that one last little surprise for my mom, & she was very appreciative of his thoughtfulness. I think having that one last card made it easier for her to get through the day, with it being such a short time since Dad passed away. I think everyone who is grieving needs to email that poem to their family & friends.

Cari