Harleyquinn Posted October 23, 2015 Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) It's been, probably at least a week until i've cried at work...that is huge for me.I cry on the way to work, and then on the way home..... but i've managed to hold it together at work. today that streak was broken, when i completely broke down again, luckily i made it to the bathroom before i became a sobbing mess. I decided to turn on Long Island Medium the other day- I don't really know why, I've never watched the show before and even after Michael passed, I was not interested in it. but something came over me and I turned it on- I went as far back as the show goes on Hulu, Season 5 episode 1although not exactly the same- there was a woman who was separated from her husband for a year before he had passed- and hadn't spoken to him for 3 months before he died. the pain and the guilt in her eyes, felt almost identical to what I feel pretty much every day.. every day I am filled with this emptiness...I don't even want to call it sadness because it's just black emptiness....that along with guilt and unresolved issues and all the "should of, would of ,could of"......I know grief comes in waves...so I guess this is my next wave..... i just wanted to write it down somewhere Edited October 23, 2015 by Harleyquinn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 23, 2015 Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 Dear Harleyquinn, this week I'm lacking of words, my brain is in stand by.... Today I have been told to be kind to myself and I tell you too. When you think you were doing well and then all falls apart, remember that you are going through the most painful journey, and hold on. There will come the day, and the hours, that you will fel ok again for no reason, embrace these hours too.It has been a year for me, I can tell you that without noticing, there will come better days.I contacted too a medium, I wrote her an email. But I am not sure....I am afraid of being dissapointed or being told things such as "his soul lives in paradise and is not here any longer"., Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 scba, I spent a lot of time researching the medium I made an appointment with- unfortunately my appointment is so far away but I feel like, if she is good and doesn't just give me a bunch of blanket statements it will be worth the wait. I know a lot of people have found comfort through mediums and that is what I hope for.I really have to work on being kinder to myself, and somehow releasing the guilt - it's just so hard I carry so much weight on my shoulders Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 23, 2015 Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 it's just so hard I carry so much weight on my shouldersI understand that too well. I have no clue of how to deal with not being so hard to myself. This is a trait of my character, but it became worse after my boyfriend passed away. I'm without his love and his words to make things better or to see them from a different perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 yeah it's always been a personality trait of mine....harder on myself than anyone else could ever possibly be. I guess now is as good a time as any to work on that looking at his picture today has been really difficult. i just want to feel him hug me and tell me it will be Ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 23, 2015 Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 This is a piece of a poe that helps me when I need him.And if I go, while you're still here... Know that I live on, vibrating to a different measure --behind a thin veil you cannot see through. You will not see me, so you must have faith."Ascension" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2015 that is amazing! i really love it!! thank you for sharing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2015 Well...I spent 20 minutes crying in the gym parking lot (also cried the entire 20 minute drive to the gym ) before I could get it together enough to go in and workoutSo that's been my Friday night....I do feel better after working out.....perhaps it was a mixture of uncontrollable crying and working out.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 25, 2015 Report Share Posted October 25, 2015 I have that up on wall shared between my kitchen and "computer/craft room". I love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 25, 2015 Report Share Posted October 25, 2015 I tell you that I admire your strength to work out. I don't like going to the gym. If that is an useful tool, keep using it, even if it means to cry in between.KayC, I came across that poem by chance, it was in a book of political thriller, that I read (try to) on month 1. I didn't finish the book, but I kept the poem in my heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 25, 2015 Report Share Posted October 25, 2015 You might want to frame it. My sister gave me a framed copy right after George died. I will always keep it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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