A loss of innocence

[Gwenivere]

It has been hitting me that even tho we are all grown up and don't believe in fairy tales anymore, that the loss of our partner strips away a remaining link we feel to the magic and beauty of the real world.  No, we don't believe in Santa or the tooth fairy, but when you love someone that deeply the wonder of the world takes different forms.  Those sunsets are more beautiful.  We have time to savor more what is around us because we are sharing them with someone.  Dark winter nights don't feel so cold when you have them with you.  You can make silly jokes and laugh about the smallest things.  You can cry and feel better just for being in their arms.  So when that is lost, it feels to me the last of the magic and innocence we still had as full grown men and women has been taken.  I struggle with that every day and night now.  The world was more what we took on together and could make into a place to find joy in.  It's still out there.  I see people seeing it all the time....with their partners or knowing they can bring home what they saw to them.  I see things and often abandon them on the side of the road because bringing them home is meaningless.  It's so sad to come home so empty because there is no one to tell about them.  Even worse are the times they were with us to see what we did.  The 'remember when we saw, did.....' are gone.  

[feralfae]

Oh, my!  How true are your words!  We dared anything, dreamed beautiful dreams, accomplished wonderful things, and stood in awe of all that the Creator had given us.  We laughed at the fairies and elves of our imagination, picked flowers to share with each other, and smiled at each other from our hearts, in the midst of any adventure or joy.

Yes, it is a loss of innocence, but sometimes it seems to me that it is the gaining of new forms of innocence and magic, as I acknowledge the shifts in energy, still feel his presence around me, and still feel his loving hand in many things that happen to bring joy and hope back into my path.  Yes, part of the hardest to bear is not being able to see a place, or hear a song, or touch a leaf, and have him there to turn to, and smile at him and say, "remember all those years ago, when we loved and smiled here together?"  And so I am learning to carry the memories, and to share them in spirit, but you are right, it is not the same.  

Thank you for your beautiful and insightful words.  Peace to your heart, and comfort on your journey.

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[Guest]

Gwenivere- 

Very poetically and beautifully put. With Deedo I lost quite possibly the only adult who did believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy. She did, after all, ask for a real flying reindeer every Christmas for thirty-seven years and most likely from the very first letter to Santa. ?

[Kpl48]

Andre was always there. We were together all the time. We had a last year together after he was diagnosed with lung cancer. I went through two knee replacement surgeries during that time. He helped me recover from both surgeries. Andre was able to do most everything until the last two weeks of his life. He only declined the last few days of his life. We were very fortunate. 

I miss Andre so much. I cry most of the time. My personal life almost has no meaning. I push myself to go out and be with people. Otherwise I think I would go mad all by myself. When I'm alone the pain of losing him overwhelms me. It's his presence that I miss so much. I want to believe his spirit is with me. I want to focus on our memories. My despair gets in the way. 

Thank you all for being there. I know you understand. 

[kayc]

I believe in fairy tales...I had one with George.  I know they're rare and few get to experience them, but we had it.  It wouldn't have mattered how long we were married, we never would have lost it, it was real.

[debi.williams]

Gwenivere, you have summed up so beautifully something that is an intangible part of true love and that is the magic it brings to our lives. My husband found joy in raising little strawberries, feeding the baby birds and finding just the right length of candles. He loved the smell of rice cooking and the smell of me! He loved Rumi, Hafez and Omar Khayyam. He would weep at sad movie endings and stroke my feet endlessly. He would sleep under the Christmas tree inhaling the pine. Through him I learned to appreciate the details. The feel of new shoes, the fragrance of flowers and the taste of ripe fruit. He introduced me to the taste of Persimmons which I had never eaten before and which became for us 'the flavour of Fall'. He loved their amber fragrance. Yesterday I saw a perfectly formed red leaf (amazing the colours of fall) almost like a heart and I went to pick it up to take it home to show him and then I remembered.... But I picked it up anyway, because I want to honour the gift he gave me. His eyes on earth are no longer, so he will have to make do with mine.

He was a child/man and I was so very lucky. He inhaled life and he exhaled wonder.

Brad, I have no doubt your beautiful Deedo finally has her wish x

[mittam99]

Gwenivere... I know what you mean and beautifully said.

It's hard (almost impossible, really) to look at the world with the same joy we had before our beloved passed. It's amazing how everything just seemed better knowing we had our perfect partner there with us. My world is now so "un-magical" without sweet Tammy by my side.

Btw... don't be so sure that some adults don't believe in Santa. Tammy loved everything about Christmas. Matter of fact, I decided we should get married in a small ceremony on Christmas eve because I knew that was Tammy's favorite day of the year.

Tammy and I both used to say we were kids at heart because we just liked to have fun. What's the fun in being a grown up, right?

Now, I have an empty house to come home to, a broken heart and I'm always a moment away from tears. Yes, I totally get that loss of innocence you wrote about.

 

[Margm]

My Billy was called "Billy the Kid" because he loved getting gifts, Christmas gifts, Birthday gifts, Father's day gifts.  At first he was not one to buy them himself for any of the rest of us but over 54 years he delighted in this new found gift giving.  The kids loved buying him gifts.  He would pile them up beside him and take one at a time and painstakingly pull of ribbons, gift wrapping, and relish opening each gift.  He was more fun than buying for a kid and our kids loved buying him lots of them.  A most loving husband, father, grandfather and great grandfather.  He loved kids.  Yes, the magic has gone out of our life.  We will poorly try to attempt to celebrate, but not sure we can.  I am not as magical as he was and I am one of the mothers that would say "you should not have done this" and what is horrible, I meant it.  He would say way ahead of time, "what are you getting me" to the kids.  I have lost my companion and oldest child of my heart, my husband.  We are all bereft at our losses.  You all are in my hearts and I feel your sorrow. 

Edited October 25, 2015 by Margaret Mims
left off important word

[Gwenivere]

I am amazed at all the stories and memories that have been shared.  It warms my heart reading of the times everyone shared with their grown up 'kid' and how they kept us kids too.  Steve was like a Santa because he would remember things I'd mention or think of things that would add to my interests.  He was very big on presentations often writing silly poems on the tags of gifts or cards.  When he gave me our 30th anniversary ring, he strung some ribbon in the card to hang it on because he thought the ring box was too boring.  He was a musician so I got to hear his magical moments.  I have songs on CD he recorded and a couple he wrote for me.  I haven't been able to listen to those yet.  But someday I will.  I will always miss sharing the special things I see in life now.  I am raising a new dog that he would have loved.  He was the best dog dad I ever knew.  I wish she could know him.   I want to believe our partners have some awareness of not just our pain, but the things we taught each other to savor because of our special love with them.  We can't know that, so it is a time to make a leap of faith and try and believe.  Like Peter Pan needed everyone to believe in fairies for Tinkerbell.  

[kayc]

I love that, "Billy the Kid", that's great.    My George was a kid at heart too, he made me see life through fresh eyes of wonder.

[debi.williams]

I DO believe Gwenivere. After all we can"t 'see' love but we feel it. Some things are too strong to ever die and love is the one thing.. Somewhere, they ARE with an awareness of us and the love we shared and continue to. No way could all we felt just go 'puff' and disappear into the ether. The beautiful stories here are proof of such tremendous love. It is a magical, mystical world and love is at the core x

[Gwenivere]

Debi, I so want to believe we don't puff out of existence.  It seems impossible that such vital life forces could just vanish.  But I struggle with that.  I think that is a lot behind my sobbing late at night.   I just want to know he is there and I don't.  The love I feel for him is, there is no doubt about that.  Maybe part of it was when he was here I felt safe in the world.  I always knew he was here for me and that is gone.  This journey sure takes us to so many places I never thought of before.  I never had beliefs about what happens when we die, so this does weigh heavy on me.   It is the pain that wants to know.  Wants him to know how much I miss him.  

[Kpl48]

Gwenivere, your words describe what happens to me. My sobbing takes place in the morning and goes on and off through out the day until I go out and am with people. I cry in my car to and from my destinations. My life feels so desolate without my husband. He was always there. We are retired so we spent all our time together. I continue to love him to eternity. It's as if half of me is lost. I don't know if I'll ever find my self again. 

[Gwenivere]

Exactly K!  I am incomplete right now.  Steve was retired too so we finally had so much time together.  We never dreamed it would be spent with doctors and treatments that robbed us of time we planned to enjoy.  You are not alone in that weight of grief in the moving about from one thing to another.  A big part of me died when he did.  So hard to navigate the world when so much of yourself is missing.

[kevin]

Gwenivere, what excellent words.....kinda sums up the way we all feel......I only give thanks Angela took an early retirement, so at least she had a few good Golden years......We went through three years of doctors and hospitals, everyone second guessing, and always questions I ask myself.  This life sentence of Grief has no parole.......What is the color (besides Black)associated with Grief ?........

[Guest]

Black gradiating to slate gray gradiating to somber blue and back. 

[Gwenivere]

Kevin...what an interesting question.  My world right has no color.  It's all shade of gray.  Like living in an old TV show.  What is hard is knowing there was color.  Hoping it will come back someday even if not as intensely.  

[Gwenivere]

And no parole.  Couldn't have said it any better.

[Wifflesnook]

Just had to join in to this conversation because it says so much about life after a beloved partner has died. The world is a different place and we look it straight in the face and it's hard. Looking back I lived a charmed life for fifty years with my beloved Pete. How lucky was I? I did sort of know it but not really. Now the magic has gone. Our little grand daughter has just visited and she still believes in fairies. Her innocence is so charming and I feel sad that she has to lose it. There is a parallel. Jan

[debi.williams]

Debi, I so want to believe we don't puff out of existence.  It seems impossible that such vital life forces could just vanish.  But I struggle with that.  I think that is a lot behind my sobbing late at night.   I just want to know he is there and I don't.  The love I feel for him is, there is no doubt about that.  Maybe part of it was when he was here I felt safe in the world.  I always knew he was here for me and that is gone.  This journey sure takes us to so many places I never thought of before.  I never had beliefs about what happens when we die, so this does weigh heavy on me.   It is the pain that wants to know.  Wants him to know how much I miss him.  

Gwenivere, I know only too well how you are feeling. When you say that he made you feel safe and you knew he was here for you, is exactly me. My husband loved me unconditionally, which is rare outside of a parent/child relationship I think. Well, I say that based on what I see in other's relationships. He was also 'the man that can' he was positive and able to say 'we'll find a way' through all life's troubles. I do believe though that we don't just 'disappear' of course these belief gets tested because no thought process makes up for us physically missing them, but as you say, these are 'vital forces' If life was meant to be such a transitory and temporary state then surely the love would disappear too. Now you and I know very well that survives, so why not us too in a different state? I have no doubt he knows how much you miss him, but he knows you will meet again, something us survivors struggle with, so for him he has that reassurance us mere mortals don't. 

Wifflesnook, Little children are closer to all these thoughts I think and partly their innocence is because they subconsciously know more than we do (life has knocked it out of us) about the mystical. Bless your little granddaughter may she live a long happy life of love.