The hardest journey I will ever make (hopefully)

[debi.williams]

My wonderful friends. I posted this  (below) on a certain part of social media. I agonised over it. Why? because certain people in his family can only have access to certain media and they are suffering too. My Husband's brother lost his beloved wife last year to breast cancer and my husband was desperate about it. It is my way of letting them know we are family. 

I have never been to Iran. My husband wanted to see his country once more before he died. WE had a plan. It was not to be. As from Saturday, I won't be in contact for at least a week because I will be at my Mom's house.  There is no internet access. I don't know how I feel. Actually I do. I am bereft. I almost completely alone and I am just the only adult in my little tribe of 2. Mom said 'this house is yours' to Max, and my husband always said  'promise if anything happens to me you WON'T sell your mom's house' ... My husband and my mom adored each other.....

So, I  will put the key in the door in 2 days and there will be my ghosts. My beloved ghosts,...my father (1st) then my grandmother and then Mom (Can't even  go there x 3) and now my beloved husband. The love he gave me kept me breathing throughout. As I write, I weep. Where the heck does this amount of salt from you eyes come from? Does anyone else's eyes have crust?

I have never loved so much. I was given  unconditional love. He was the one that gave me the world and also KNEW my grief He lost his mom aged (6)Those big strong arms that said 'I am here' and just held me. I will walk into that house and see his coffee cup on the sink, his work clothes on the floor (he left 1 week after us.but of course he took us to the airport (Manchester) and wept when we left him and Max and I, flew back to Belgium because of school)  there will be the  food still in the freezer. I have lived with this horror once before. Putting the key in the door after Mom.  I was grumpy woman I remember 'pushing him off' with unforgivable words like 'she wasn't YOUR mom' or 'You just don't understand' 

 

The day of the funeral He 'heard' her loud and clear.  Hardly surprising looking back because they were the two purest hearts. My Mother's wake was held in a park. I sat at a table in the the gardens and saw (in the distance) my husband's heartbreak of Mom. He wept and wept and wept. I will never forget it as long as I live.

 

The loss of a parent in adulthood is horrific. The loss of a partner who held your hand throughout ...quite another.

 

 

Thank you to Baback's Iranian family in Brussels ( for his Moroccan friends too) for those also from every continent ( his family in the US  & Canada and throughout Europe ) here is to you all,  for keeping Max and I in your hearts. So many of your friends, my Baba(my love) said 'We loved him.'

I walk alone now on this earth, for however long, no one knows . But the legacy of love and caring continues. We are, and your friends,the continuation of the magnificent soul you were on earth. I will never 'get over' you, but we always talked about that you and I. There is no getting over your soulmate. There is simply doing what YOU would want. That is seeing our son live and be happy.

We will, next week, make the hardest journey I have ever made in my lifetime. To an empty house. Empty of YOU, Mummy Daddy, Nanny. Putting that key in the door.. only you loved enough, my beloved, to fully understand. It is a lonely plough to furrow.

Different continents/religions/1 heart always. My Baba I will love you forever.

I am doing this for our love and our son.You are mine and I am Yours

 

 

[KATPILOT]

Simply put, very, very, sweet.

[Guest]

Debi,

Know lots of love, hugs and support are coming your way. Praying you find strength and peace on your journey. Max is blessed to have you as a mom.  

[debi.williams]

Thank you both x

[kayc]

 I was grumpy woman I remember 'pushing him off' with unforgivable words like 'she wasn't YOUR mom' or 'You just don't understand' 

 

 

This was your grief talking and he knew and understood that.

The piece you wrote for his family is very special, I'm sure it means a lot to them. 

[debi.williams]

I so hope so Kay, I really do. He loved my mom too and it wasn't fair x

[scba]

Dear Debi, I wish you strength for next week. 

[Margm]

Strength Debi.  Do we ever live without regrets of saying something, doing something, not doing something.  I was told I had to forgive myself.  I think that is going to be hard to do, I hope you can do it though.  Maybe I can too, one day.

[kayc]

We all face that for something or another.  It is within our reach, we just have to take steps...baby steps.

[debi.williams]

Max and I leave in 2 hours. Feeling very wobbly, but I keep repeating to myself 'this too will pass' when the anxiety keeps rising. I remember putting the key in the door at moms just after she had passed and feeling the whole house in shock, she had passed in her bedroom the previous week. Now, without my rock, protector and hero by my side this journey takes on a nightmarish dimension. I will see him everywhere, his tools and his work clothes as he was the last to leave in February. 

I find myself wondering, what is the end game here? What spiritual lesson or benefit are we supposed to be learning from such sorrow and pain? When I put the key in the door and miss my whole family, and a husband far too young to pass with a huge heart and soul, what is it achieving? Does it make me kinder to others? My husband was already the kindest person I ever met and yet he was taken. 

I know my friends there are no answers, but when faced with this is doesn't stop you asking the questions. I will be in touch when I return. Strength to us all x

[Guest]

Debi,

I sincerely hope that you find peace.  My daughter really struggles every time she comes to visit because Mama isn't here and yet her presence is everywhere.  This was Deedo's home.  She decorated every room and her passions are boldly reflected throughout.

Not being of a religious persuasion (but very spiritual) I find it easier to not look at end game questions.  People are born to die and we have no control over when that might be.  Why did I live when I should have died twenty-one years ago?  Why did Deedo who took such care of herself get lung cancer?  I don't know.  What I do believe though is the greater the love the more challenging the grief.  I personally can't see a lesson or benifit of having to go through what I am going through.  If indeed God designed this then he is not the loving and compassionate God I believe him to be because quite simply, although I am far from perfect, I have done nothing to warrant this level of pain and Deedo certainly did nothing in her life to warrant the torture she went through only to die in the end.

I hide you travels go well and we are all thinking of you.

 

[kayc]

You cannot see the lessons or benefit because you are in it so deeply.  Usually it is in looking back that we can see what we learned, not while deep in the throes of it.  I don't think God made us die, I think life just happens, and rather randomly (I know some think differently).  The God I know is a god of compassion that goes through things with us, doesn't cause us to walk through so much pain alone.  He's the type that would take on our pain if he could.  None of us did anything to warrant this, we were living our lives, in love, happy...and then...

Godspeed, Debi, thinking of you as your travel.