Poem II.

[Guest Janka]

It´s such a lonely darkest night,

you used to hold me warm and tight,

want you closer a little bit,

who could ever thought of it?

 

In the darkest lonely night

I was having had a light

always shining in my heart,

where is of my being part?

 

So far away yet along with me,

where could ever heavens be?

waiting for you still to come,

maybe have to stand more some.

 

So far away but close to me,

who could thought the life can be?

where are you,my only one?

used to be with me,dearest Jan.

 

Janka

[Gwenivere]

Beautiful poem, Janka.  The nights are so hard for many of us.  That time that is sacred with our beloved.  The dark feels so much darker, cold so much colder.  Waking without them being there.  I hope you will find some solace here among people that truly understand.  

[Guest Janka]

Dear Gwenivere,what a beautiful name!

I was reading your answer with the tears in my eyes.I´m very sorry for your loss,too!I understand how very hard it must be for you right now.I feel very sad tonight.The 1st November is here again and it´s also gonna be the 4th anniversary of my beloved man Jan who died 11.11.´11 at 1 o´clock.I can´t stop crying tonight,so hard it is for me so far and always will.I love him for eternity!

Thanks for your nice answer and if you feel up to it,please,write me how you´re doing.

Janka

 

[kayc]

You're lucky you can put your feelings into poems.  Veteran's Day.  We never forget, do we.

[Guest Janka]

Dear Kayc,so nice to see you again!

I can´t forget your kind answers we used to share being on here.It´s unbelievable,but it´s gonna be 4 years since my beloved Jan died.The Christmas will be very hard again.I´ve made up my mind to come back here as I found here so much comfort and support from the beginning.I´m glad to be helpful towards others after all I´ve been going through and go on posting those poems I´ve been writing for my beloved Jan so far.I miss "my love" even more each day.You know,my love for him is for eternity!

Thanks for your answer and hope to hear from you again for getting know how you´ve been by now.

Janka 

[Gwenivere]

Janka,

I was so touched by your poem, I looked thru the archives to better understand your journey.  You write beautifully and I understand as best I can only being a year into this, that the love never dies and the void is never filled.  There are many 'magical milestone' people out there that think that this will someday be cured for us.  When one finds their true soulmate, there is no other that can step into that place.  This is what I am preparing myself for.  Many well meaning people say I may find someone else.  I know this is not true.  The rest of my life will be loving the man that completed me and I him.  I light a candle for him every night since he left.  It isn't the same light he was in life, but it is some solace in the dark.  As I go through whatever time is left for me, I hope that he is waiting for me when it ends.  There is nothing I want more than to see him again.  I hope the same for all of us.

I sent this to you as a message, but didn't know if you checked them.  

[Guest]

Gwenivere,

I know so well what you mean when you state that once your soulmate is found no one can step into that role. When Deedo was ill she was so worried that I would be lonely that she subtlety played matchmaker for me. I repeatedly tried to get her to understand that I would rather be lonely if I couldn't be with her. I am so devoted to her and knew that nobody could complete me the way she did. Now I wear her wedding ring next to mine and it will stay there until my children remove them both. 

I do like the candle idea. I had one of my favorite pictures of the two of us enlarged and mounted on the fireplace above the mantle and then placed pine garland and lights on the mantle that stay on twenty-four hours a day. I say good morning as I rise and good night as I head for bed. 

[Gwenivere]

Brad,

Steve and I talked about what we envisioned each of our lives to be if we lost the other.  When the topic of another person came up, we found we felt the same.  That there would never be anyone else.  Both of us would spend their life without that connection ever again.  We were so in sync that we said it would be taking care of our furry kids that would become the most important thing.  I know some people have found another partner, my mom did when she lost my dad when I was 4.  But I know in my heart that no one can ever 'fit' with me again.  Steve said his time would go to music.  I have yet to find what mine will be.  I have his wedding ring and tried to wear it, but it is quite bulky for my hands.  I would love to have it with me all the time, but what I do wear he gave to me.  I never wear anything else.  Same earrings, necklace and rings everyday and it has been that way always.  I have our favorite picture (which is the one attached to this post) in our bedroom and one of him on the wall by my monitor that I see all the time.  It is so sweet you have Deedo's picture in your living room surrounded by light.  It is the same premise as the candle.  They are still a light in our lives.  I also talk to him.  I don't know if you have had people suggest to you the possibility of someone else, but I have and find it quite insensitive and have told them so.  It really is something that anyone who knew the pain of this would never say to us.  That is the pass I give them.  

Loneliness is not filled by just anyone.  There was a very significant bond we all formed with our partners.  For some that can never ever be replaced.  We will live on and someday join them again, I hope.  That is what keeps me going.  I'll do what it takes to live my life alone, but it is waiting for Steve and I to be together again.