100 days and nights

[Guest]

Today marks the 100th day since my darling Deedo departed.  I've spent a lot of time reflecting on where I was and where I am now.  In retrospect, I do see a difference and that proffers hope.  I still cry, sometimes sobbing hysterically, but not as much as August and September.  I can go out of the house now.  I can initiate with neighbors and friends.  I can talk about Deedo and for the most part complete sentences without having to stop mid phrase.  I am eating better and sleeping better although I credit the mertazipine for that.  I'm back to taking care of business.  I still think of Deedo hundreds, if not thousands, of time each day.  I still feel like I'm living someone else's life; this can't possibly be mine, we were always the victors over life's challenges.  I no longer feel as if my whole existence is dark although it is far from bright.  I still get strange thoughts: today I was shredding documents; old passports, ancient medical records; Medical Power of Attorney, Living Will, etc., with each one I had the sensation that I was once more removing Deedo from my life, akin to seeing her body go to the science people she donated it to only to come back later as ashes.  At times I hoping she is looking over my shoulder but other times I pray that she isn't; I'd hate to disappoint her.  I still wear her ring, talk to her frequently, kiss her picture as I walk by and I probably always will.  But I am getting stronger, I am healing, I do now see the possibility of living for her and honoring her through my actions.  I no longer yearn so badly to join her but to survive, not for me but for our children and our grandchildren.  Of course then tomorrow I may as easily wake up and spend the day sobbing uncontrollably.

[KATPILOT]

Oh yes Brad!  Honoring her is a great concept. You'll do it over and over as the years go by. Listen my friend, I still have my ring on today and I kiss her urn every morning before I leave for work making my way through life.  You won't disappoint Deedo.  I just can't see that in her as I look at that picture. What a happy lady.  She will remain honored to have had you in her life as well. Believe me you will indeed have those times when you find yourself in tears but you will find happy times too in living on. As you interact with your children and grandchildren you will be honoring Deedo and she will be looking on.  Of this I am certain.

For anyone that wonders,,,,,,,,,,,, it is possible to love someone deeply, miss them desperately, and still live on.  It's just so hard to see it till you get there.

[Margm]

Oh Brad, your Deedo is beautiful.  Your feelings for her even more beautiful.  I am looking forward to the time I can look at Billy's pictures without crying.  I did find his 1956-57 school picture with a cute plump face and slicked back blond hair.  I smiled.  My daughter keeps posting pictures of him and he was a hoot, he was a kidder posing crazy, and I cannot look at them yet.  Your travels these 100 days gives me hope.  We all need hope.  I went from Mama and Daddy straight to Billy and am now finally entering my second childhood on my own.  This is about your trip though, and as terrible as it still is for you, there is a slight chance of hope to find the surface of the water and maybe breathe.  She is lovely.  

[Guest]

I so look forward to better times. At least I can see them sitting out on the horizon and that gives me hope.

 It is the play time with the grand-kiddies that brings me joy until I start thinking how cheated they are. Deedo was meant to be a grandma. She loved getting on the floor with them. My daughter found out she was pregnant with Cohen the same day we found out Deedo had cancer. By the time he was born Deedo was too weak to do anything but hold him for short periods of time. She was quite jealous of me as I played with him. 

[kevin]

Are anniversaries are very close. Your words and feelings are exactly how it is today. I can finally talk about the past without getting misty......moving old storage stuff, clearing out old tax documents, scripts, toiletries, etc.......I used the 100 day milestone to get in gear and take stock.......I think our Goals, as the ones left behind, is to be someone our Spouses would be proud of...

[Gwenivere]

Brad, I had the same feelings when I did all the legal things switching everything yo my name only.  It felt like I was erasing Steve.  It's a hard thing to do when we are already feeling such deep loss from their very presence.  I still talk in the WE mode regarding some things.  Just makes me feel better for some reason even tho I am alone.  100 days is not very long and at that time I was still operating in shock mode.  I was quite productive.  I took advantage of it.  I was also very careful about decisions about what to keep and what could wait go be decided on later.  Deeds inspires you and that is the best path to follow.  I would get ideas of something to attend of Steve's som days and knew it wasn't the right time.  She looks likes very dynamic woman from h picture you posted.  

[Margm]

I had to send back my papers to our retirement site because I did not put I was single.  Set me back another couple of weeks, I am sure.

[kayc]

Oh Brad, I seriously doubt she's disappointed with you.  She understands this is the hardest thing you've had to go through.  BTW, she's beautiful!  Her spirit shines through!