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Hello once again, I wish to send my heartfelt wishes to everyone here that the holiday coming up (14th feb)is brief and as painless as one might expect during our time of grief.I would like to kno if any of you out there think I'm about to make a mistake.(little background first)I'm about to have my 40th birthday on feb 13th.... carol had planned a surprise party for me... as some of you kno I lost carol on nov.16th...cremation was her wish and her plaque had taken untill jan 27th to arrive,I decided that I would have the inurnment on my birthday as she so very much hated the fact she would not be here for it.well to say my friends ( and they are )got alittle upset with me about this would be understatment...they feel that i would ruin the rest of my birthdays..I do not feel this way and besides.. this is what i want, this is what she wanted,we would lay in bed on those rare days that we both could and talk about getting older together how we sit on our deck and watch the night sky,anyway you get the idea... the problem i;m having rite now is i now feel like i'v done soemthing terrible . it does not matter really as i already set the date and time and i will not change it.. i just wanted to kno if maybe i am being selfish and wanting to do this (inurnment)and say farewell to my sweet babers..am i goin to far? we talked and laughed so many times over the fact that i was now goin to be in her age group (she was 41)it had made her day ..lol..I used to call her my cougar and she said i was her cougar bait...gawd darn i ache so bad.. i miss everything , our life our home ...

the pressure i;m getting is from my male friends,i think they wanted to have a happy time at my 40th.. i suppose i cant blame them on one hand.. but on the other hand i'm not into anything that involves any kind of celebration other than celebrating babers life...I lived for her and now I don't want too.. but I also kno that I must.... to do less would be an insult on her memmorie...advice anyone?

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Hi there. I think your idea is wonderful, it is after all your birthday. And, it is after all your grief. I can kinda understand how your friends don't like the idea because it won't be a "party". But, like you said, you don't really fell like celebrating. Of course your friends don't understand! How on earth could they? Unless of course they had been through the same thing. In that case, I don't think they would be so fast to tell you how you should feel, act, or honor your loved one.

If this is what you want, and is what she would have wanted, do it. Don't ever feel guilty, embarrassed, or feel you need to apologize for loving so much. And really, if they don't understand........... :blink:

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but no one can tell you how and when to greive.

I guess for me, my real friends will understand when I tell them to back off. They will be there when I am finally ready to be a little more social. It will never be the same as it was before. I just have to keep taking those baby steps and maybe it will be a tiny bit more bearable.

Love Ya Tom, Forever and ever (11/19/54 - 5/4/05)


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Hi Stik40,

You do what you want to do! I think what you are going to do is wonderful. If your friends don't understand, they aren't true friends..I know I found out who my REAL friends were going through my grief.

Being selfish? No way, and even if you were, you deserve to be selfish at this time. You must think of yourself first and what gives you comfort and possibly, a kind of joy.

Good luck,


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I am so sorry about your loss and pain. For me it has been nearly 8 months. You do what brings you comfort and makes your day special. You shared so many days with Carol...it is your choice to share your birthday honoring your love....the wonderful woman that still holds your love. I've found that as time goes on many friends fade away. They don't understand. Today is as real for me as the day my world died. Right now all that matters is what you want to do!

A gentle day of peace for all of us.

Always Gene!


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i'm so sorry for your loss, was reading about it, and i want to echo the replies you've already gotten. my dear mother passed on my birthday this past august. to the people who have said to me that it "ruined" my birthday, i've told all of them this, my supposed family and other people alike:

"for me it was a great honor that my beloved mother's suffering ended for my birthday. i cannot think of a greater reason to celebrate the life of the woman who gave birth to me, than to celebrate the day she was reborn to her new life of eternity, peace, and no more pain and suffering"

my mom's ashes were returned to me 5 days after her passing. for 4 months i kept them on her bedroom dresser. with all her cute stuff and her picture. then when i was good and ready, i moved her ashes and her pretty stuff to the third shelf of my curio cabinet, exactly where i told my mom she'd "be" when she asked me what i'd do with it all. she loved the idea!

i don't give a fig what anyone feels i should be doing, what anyone feels i should be feeling, or anything else. it's my mom ~ my grief ~ my happiness for her ~ and my memories. i'll do with it as i like, in the manner i like, when i'm good and ready.

you, stik40, you make sure you celebrate Carol's life, and your life together, and your memories, on the day you choose, in the manner you choose. you are honoring your love, your special someone, and you are honoring life. be true to your feelings and you cannot go wrong.

{{{{{hugs}}}}} from new jersey.

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