Lost

[SM0317]

I am simply lost.  The absolute love of my life, my one, my it, my soul mate, my everything, my punk....is gone.  He died in a hit and run accident. Leaving behind little children. Not only did I lose him. I lost them.  My situation was "complicated" to say the least.  We were going to be together...forever. That's just how it was going to be. The nature of our relationship would give the outside world every reason to judge. We struggled with it. Both of us being believers....our hearts struggled. I am married. He was divorced. I had finally decided to leave my marriage. And, he was killed. I'm not mad at God. It was his time. I'm just mad!!! I'm so confused and left in an even more complicated situation.  My husband doesn't want me to leave. He told me he will give me all the time in the world to grieve. With hopes we can save our marriage, our family. I'm beyond blessed to have such an understanding person in my life. But, at the same time I don't know how to be here. I'm lost. I walk around in a daze. I'm at the mercy of this grief. I pray. And, cry and scream and pray.  I have no one. His family knew but, they are out of state.  His ex wife told his family and friends if she finds out they are in communication with me she will not let them see the kids. I've spent the last two years of my life with this person. I've never opened up and trusted anyone in my life the way I did him. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves.  The emotional, spiritual, physical intimacy was mind blowing. Along with the guilt of the situation. We tried to stay away... We couldn't. Life is complicated. I wanted to leave in the most seamless way for my children. It was my decision to leave. I wanted them to be as protected as they possibly could.  I'm lost. I go to a grief share group at the church and when I got up the courage to share my story...there was a collective gasp and then you could have heard a pin drop. I considered getting up taking a bow and exiting stage left. I mean....I'm a married Christian woman. I was so afraid I was going to be judged. Or told my grief wasn't real. I don't know....I was just filled with sadness and guilt. I've asked God for forgiveness. I know I'm forgiven. I just don't have anyone to talk to. I felt like I was disrespecting the people in the group who were mourning their spouses. I don't have any of his friends or family to talk to. I just loved him. Everything about him. He was the most beautiful person I have ever met. When we were together everything fit. It was beautifully simple. The moment we were apart...it was devastatingly difficult. I know everything about him. We talked about everything. Nothing was too deep or off limits. I had the keys to his house. One minute I'm in his house the next minute I'm handing the keys over...never to step foot in the house again. I watched from afar as people went through the house and packed away everything that was special to him. He was extremely sentimental. It was all boxed up and that's it. We were building a motorcycle together. It's gone. Things we bought together...everything held a memory. I know them all. Gone. I can't even wrap my brain or heart around the children. He was the most loving father I've ever seen.  They knew they were loved bc of him.  I miss them. It's the absolute silence....I just can't handle it. Life is happening all around me and I'm just standing there with my heart broken in two. I see the beauty in the time I spent with him. I talked to him 20 minutes before he died. I had the most beautiful day with him. My last spoken words words to him were,  I love you.  How do I do this...I have two beautiful children and all I can't think about is going to Heaven. My life has been painful. I endured a childhood no little child should have to endure. He was the one I finally trusted.....I am seeking God with everything I am......it just hurts beyond comprehension.....I'm lost. I am simply lost.  And, now I'm scared to post this....?

[Guest]

SM

First, I hope you will learn that regardless of circumstances grief is grief. We are all here because we are grieving and our worlds, like yours have been shattered beyond repair. The futures we all dreamed of are no more. You have come to the right place. We don't judge, simply try to support.

You are in pain and that pain is overwhelming. Your situation only adds to the process because you are not only grieving your love but the loss of everyone and everything that relationship offered. 

In addition to this site it may be in your best interest to find a good grief counselor and a support group. Hospice of the Valley offers support groups in many communities.

You have a long and difficult process to go through and you have a lot of work to see yourself through this time. Just know that while your future will not be what you thought it would be, it will be different; it will be better; it will not always hurt like it does right now. 

Sending all of my positive energy your way. 

 

Brad

[kayc]

You have nothing to be afraid of here, none of us will judge you, we are here to walk this journey with us if you let us.  You were very brave to share your story.  I am a Christian too, many of us are, and many have different beliefs.  We have one commonality, we all lost someone we loved more than anything in the world and are trying our best to learn how to live "after".

Only you and your husband can decide if your marriage can be salvaged or not, but right now is probably not the time to try and figure anything out...right now you are deep in the throes of grief and it is all encompassing.  I hope you have a good grief counselor.

I am sorry his ex is using their children as pawns to hurt you.  In the process she'll hurt the kids.  She can't blackmail others forever, the kids will grow up and then they'll be free to make their own decisions, they may even seek you out.  Right now all you can do is pray for them to find comfort and encouragement in their loss.

Love doesn't die.  We are energy and change form, but our living continues beyond "this", of that I am certain.  I am also certain we will be together again...maybe we'll be in changed form, but we'll remember and love will continue, it does even now.

I am sorry you are feeling so lost.  That is normal for what you are going through.  Been there!  It's been ten years since my George died and I still miss him, he's on my mind each and every day.

I hope you will take the time to look over this site, there are a lot of helpful links and information here, and it helps to read other people's threads and know you are not alone in what you are going through.  My heart goes out to you and consider yourself hugged from Oregon!  If I were there with you, I would stand with you when you shared.  I know what it is to stand alone!

[SM0317]

Thank you so very much! The tears won't stop. I still go to the grief share group and I have been in counseling over the childhood issues which have now moved to grief. I am working so hard to keep moving forward. It was two weeks ago that I think I truly broke down.  The days seem to be getting harder.  My mind wanders and I start thinking about the accident. It's torture. I live one minute away from the hospital he died in. I have to pass it every day.  And, all I hear are the ambulance sirens.  Some days it seems like it's non stop.  I'm trying not to go to that dark place.  I'm trying not to think of it as a bad place. But, where he gave 3 other people a chance at life.  He is everywhere I turn.  At first it made me so happy. Now, it makes my heart drop and some times knocks the breath out of me.  I just want the guilt of grieving him to stop. I loved him.  I can't and don't want to change that fact or stop!!! He was brilliant and an amazing bright light in this world. What we shared was unconditional and never ending. I want to share stories about him. He was such an amazing person. I want to share him with the world. I want that chance to scream to the world that I love him. I couldn't wait for that moment. And, now I can't. I grieve in silence.  I understand the nature of our circumstances complicate my journey through this process.  Thank you for understanding. Actually, thank you for responding.  My heart felt a moment of comfort? 

[kayc]

I hope you'll take the time to share some of those memories, when you feel able and ready, of course.  I understand all about the "church world culture", having been in it all my life, and having been on the receiving end of some of the brunt of it, back years ago.  It developed more compassion and strength in me.  I understand this, that God uses everything to shape and mold us into who we are and sometimes we arrive at that by a different route than the church world might think, but it is not to be regarded as nothing, He who works in mysterious ways and whose way is often very different than people's.  

Love is the universal language, the language we know and speak here.  

Guilt often comes from without, not from within, and it's up to us to acknowledge it when we are to learn from it, and to let it go when we are not, but it is very personal, not something others should put upon us...that is shame, not to be confused with guilt.  Shame we need to not accept.

You need grieve in silence no more, we are here.

[SM0317]

Thank you Brad and Kay.  Kay I didn't see your response until after I replied to Brad. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your words. I feel like the tears are never ending.

I pray for his ex wife and the children constantly.  I lift her up to God and pray He moves big time in her. Because, it is truly a double tragedy if she doesn't see what she is ultimately doing.  I pray for the day I get to see them again.  Even if it's years away.  I pray they never forget me...and, I pray they can feel how much I love them.  Most importantly I PRAY the people around them keep their Daddy ALIVE in them!!  His family lives states away.  It's just so sad. He was the one who showed them love.  He calmed their fears and shared God with them.  

Everyday I look at my phone hoping someone from his family will reach out and tell me how the kids are doing.  And, just let me know that they know I'm here and not forgotten. I know it's only been two months. It is amazing how differently people grieve. I realize that I need to talk about him.  The grief share group has helped me tremendously with understanding how the relationship to the person affects grieving process. 

In regards to my marriage. I'm the one who is putting this pressure on myself about my marriage.  Which in return is causing A LOT of guilt which is coming out in anger towards my husband.  I am trying to somehow balance the two....when all I want to do is grieve.  I don't know how to believe I'm allowed to do it.  It's a constant state of confusion which leads to anxiety and is coming out in anger.  Yesterday was my wedding anniversary and I was supposed to go to my grief share group at church. I was in agony over the right thing to do. I shook all day.  I just didn't think it was fair to my husband if I went.  Even though he encouraged me to.  So, I ended up not going and I took it out on him. He doesn't deserve for me to treat him that way. I am not an angry person!!! I look in the mirror and have no idea who that person is looking back at me. I am scaring myself.  Bottom line is I'm not honoring my pain. I miss him.....I MISS HIM.  If he was here he would tell me it was all ok.  I want to believe he is still with me. That we WILL BE together again!!  Even though I'm married to someone else. That we will love each other the same way.  I've read so much about Heaven that it actually just confused and upset me more. I want to know that when my day comes and I'm called home that he will be there to take my hand and we will NEVER EVER be apart. I want to know that he can see me and that he hears me and he still loves me!!!! I need to believe that. And, I want someone to tell me it's true. Bc, I'm torturing myself over it.  

I love hugs!!!! Thank you so much..I can't explain what this has done for me.? 

[kayc]

I was supposed to go to a budget meeting tonight but my ride forgot me (I don't drive at night).  Maybe it was meant to be.

It's not only okay to grieve, it's a given.  We can't help how we feel so shouldn't beat ourselves up for it.  

Elsewhere in Loss of Spouse section there are talks about afterlife and that they can hear us, sometimes even try to give us a sign.  I can't remember which thread, but if I find it, I'll post the link to it.

[SM0317]

Yes, I would love to share him! When I say, thank you....those two words fall painfully short in my expression of gratitude for your love and understanding.  I was SO SCARED to post in this group. As a matter of fact I've never posted online...ever, outside of Facebook.  Kind of wish it wasn't for this reason.  But, I'm glad I did?

 

I hope it's ok if I share a photo. This is the bench we used to sit at in the park. We have had many, many conversations on that bench about life. Two weeks after the accident I went there and took this picture. I was so afraid but, I needed to go. I took a bunch of letters he wrote me and pictures. I thought I would go there and look at the pictures and read the letters, cry my eyes out and never go back. After I sat there for a while, I asked him what he wanted me to know. And, I grabbed the last letter he wrote to me. I read the last paragraph and it's what I wrote on the bottom of the picture.  ??? 

[kayc]

Found it!  Scroll down to the video, very interesting!

http://bestndebooks.com/index.php/2015/10/17/beyond-our-sight-full-documentary/

I just read your above post.  Yes, it's okay to share photos.  That one must have a lot of meaning to you, it's a very pretty setting too.  Wow, he wrote that shortly before he died?

[SM0317]

Kay, I believe it was meant to be? you are like an angel to me right now.  My heart isn't twisting inside me. My 6 year old daughter crawled in bed and is asleep on my arm. I feel ok right now.  I can hear the train horns going off outside. I know it is him talking to me every time!!! He worked for the railroad. So, I wake up to the train horns and hear them all day and night. I love him???

[kayc]

That is neat, that you can hear them.  My George was a welding fabricator, everyone said he was the best.

You aren't the first one here that has been in this exact situation, there have been others.  It's called complicated grief.  It's harder when you can't mourn openly, can't attend the funeral, are cut off from his kids, endure social taboo, etc.  Lord knows it's hard enough when you're a grieving widow!  But the relationship is and stands regardless of taboos and social mores, and it was a very real and important relationship to both of you.  It sounds like you derived a lot from it, since you say he was the first one you were able to open up to about some things.  My George and I were like that, could communicate amazingly from the very beginning.  When I met him we started as friends as I was still married but at the end of it...going through a divorce, but it got prolonged...long story.  My XH tried to blame George for the divorce but he had nothing to do with it, and my ex knows that if he's honest with himself...I'd told him how unhappy I was in the marriage (23 years) long before I met George, and the fact that my ex lied to me throughout the entire marriage, destroying my trust, was his doing, not George's.  I think sometimes it's easier to blame someone else that own responsibility for yourself.  The church was pretty hard on me, even though they didn't know the facts, and being a small town, it was tough.  But you know what?  God never left me and knows my heart.  He used everything for the good, things others can't see through their blinders.  Hang in there.

[SM0317]

He wrote it the end of June. I had been away for a month and he wrote me everyday. So, I have all of these beautiful letters. Kay, we talked about everything!!! I mean EVERYTHING! We even talked about what would happen if one of us died. How we would reach out to the kids at some point and tell them about the other person. Everything. We both didn't understand why we found each other.  Especially, because of the circumstances it was so confusing. I struggled with leaving my husband and hurting my girls. So, one day he told me that maybe his purpose was to bring me and my husband closer together.  I learned to trust and open up to him. He showed me that regardless of my past, I could and deserved to be loved. And, from that my husband saw how he had emotionally abandoned me in our marriage and what he needed to do to make it work. I'm not kidding, he meant it in the most simple, innocent, pure way.  He wanted me to he happy more than anything in the world. However that looked to us. Together or not. I've never understood unconditional love until I met him. I felt like it was the way that God loves us.  And, to understand that God loves me even more than that.....it was beautiful. He tried to tell me once that he will love me until the day he dies. He stopped himself and told me that even death couldn't stop his love for me. That its for eternity.  Right after his death one of his friends reached out and told me that because of me....he left this earth knowing what it felt like to be loved completely.  He spent his whole life waiting for it. He had given up on it. And, then we met...and he took his last breath on this earth knowing I love him. 

[kayc]

That's the way our love was too.  George wrote me a note that says, "Little One, You are the one that made it all come true for me, you're the best!   T.A.T. (thru all time), George"  I have it above my computer where I can look at it.  It was on a valentine's day card like you get with flowers.  He loved me selflessly and he too, put my marriage ahead of his own desires, wanting what was best for me...but try as I might, my husband would not get on board with me.  At least yours realizes his mistakes.  

George and I were only married three years eight months and knew each other 6 1/2 years.  We'd planned on growing old together.

I'm turning in...I hope you're able to sleep and nothing but good memories flood your heart and soul.  Let go of the guilt and judgment, knowing that what will be, will be.  Good night!

[SM0317]

My dad's name is George?  Your husband sounds like he was a pretty amazing person too!! 

I did not go to the funeral. I knew I couldn't go. It was going to cause A LOT of stress. (I had peace about it)   His ex DID NOT know about us until the night of the accident. Long story ...So, my heart broke for her.  She lost her kids father and found out we were together all at once. And, I knew if his kids saw me they would run to me and she would have to watch that. I'm a mom. I couldn't do that to her.  So, I didn't go. 

Over 400 people showed up. For being such a private person he sure left this world in a loud way. 

So, yes it is complicated. 

[SM0317]

Oh!! Kay!! That is beautiful? Mine called me his Punk!  He tattooed it on his right wrist with the heart I signed the first note I ever wrote him. He had the note on his locker at work. I left it on his car one morning. He was blown away bc no one had ever done that for him. I used to go into his house and hide post it notes all over for him to find. In his shoes, coffee pot, microwave, refrigerator. I think I stuck one in a fish sticks box once. ?

I want you to share your George with me! It makes my heart smile. I'm so sorry he's gone. But, one day there is the promise that you will be together forever!!!  

Sweet dreams?

[kayc]

I hope you've had a chance to view the video by now (above link).

My George used to leave me post it notes all over the place for me to find.  I still have some in my house where he put them...in a closet, inside a mirror, in a cupboard...

You are very sensitive...being as she was an ex, I wouldn't have been too concerned, I mean, sure, exes have some residual feelings, but YOU were in a CURRENT relationship with him!

43 years ago I was married (first husband) and he moved in with another woman and she got pregnant right away.  I thought it was the end of the world.  His son was born on my mom and uncle's birthday and I thought it was a cruel joke.  Four months later, he brought his baby home to live with us.  I raised him for the first three years of his life, until our divorce, back in those days, stepparents had no rights, and after his father shot himself (he didn't die) the child went to live with his birth mom.  She moved away and for the next few years I didn't know where he was or if he was okay.  Backing up a bit, I used to bring Bo (my stepson) to church along with his half sister and mom, and I'd let him play with his half sister at their house for a while afterwards so the kids could know each other.  When his mom went into the hospital for a month, I took care of Bo's half sister, Tamara.  When the kids got old enough, they did make contact with me and have been in my life ever since.  Now, all these years later, I am proud to say they are great parents and spouses and I'm glad I was able to have a part in their lives.  You never know what an influence you've been to someone else or how big a part you played...

 

[SM0317]

Kay, I tried to watch it. And, when the first person talked about how he died in a motorcycle wreck...my heart about fell out of my chest. I had to turn it off and I can't stop crying.  The girls left for school and I went upstairs, fell in bed and I've been sinking ever since.  I can't believe this is my life?!?!? I'm living in hell.  I cannot believe he is gone. I want to say all of the right things....but, I can't pray and I am shattered.  Every day I feel more lost. I just want to talk to him. I just want to be with him.  This cannot be happening. It is truly getting harder. 

I read your story and there are so many things I want to say to you. Right now all I can say is I am so sorry!  I'm so very sorry......and, you are a strong person. Amazing, inspiring  and beyond strong.  Thank you for sharing your life with me.....I wish I wasn't such a mess right now......

[SM0317]

I found this the other day....it hit me hard. 

http://www.tickld.com/x/old-man-explains-death-and-life-to-grieving-young-man?utm_source=Tickld

[kayc]

Oh that wasn't my life, that was just a bleep in it!  I've been through a lot, I guess they could make a miniseries out of it.  

I'm sorry, I didn't remember that it had that in the video...maybe you could download it and start further in, past that.  It was good because this guy is an expert and what he has to say about afterlife was very encouraging to me.

Of course you can't pray, I don't think I could for the first year after my husband died, and I'd always been an avid pray-er, I've even taught classes on prayer!  But God knows all about that and understands even that.  He's still there.  It'll come back, it's just...it's hard to process loss,  

 

\You say you want to talk to him, well do!  I talk to George all the time, if not out loud, in my head.

I'll go look at your link...

[kayc]

What the "old guy" shared is true.  The deeper the love, the deeper the loss feels, and it IS a testament to our love.

[kayc]

Harleyquinn just messaged me...THIS is the one I wanted you to listen to, I'm sorry!

[Gwenivere]

Feeling lost is, in my opinion, one the worst parts of this grief journey.  I don't know how many times I would give anything to talk to Steve one more time, to have him hold me when I cry about missing him.  

Kay, I used to write him little post it notes and leave them in the mirror in his bathroom and he saved them all.  They are stacked one top of each other all over a picture in there.  Every time I have to go in there I see them and while it makes me feel happy they meant so much to him, I miss adding more.  There is a note over the dryer reminding me not to dry his favorite t shirt.  So many things are labeled in his handwriting.  

I am not a religious person, but I choose to believe Steve lives on somewhere.  I cannot accept that these people that so affect and give us so much can just vanish into nothingness.  So I don't pray, I just hope so very hard they are at peace and know we will always love them.  And that we know they loved us and changed our lives forever.  

SM, you are the testament to the love you both shared now.  It's hard to be alone to do that, but you have no other choice because people that is how love works.  There is no stopping it when we find that person we trust and can hind ourselves to without fear.  What greater gift than being able to be totally us and be loved for it.

 

[kayc]

I agree, to meet that soul mate...how could we do any different than we did when we gave them our all!

[SM0317]

My whole life I have been told to stop being so hard on myself. I understood it logically but, never could put in into action for myself. When it came to other people I excelled at it! I love people. I care about people. I can't stand myself. But, the good news is....it hit me like a tidal wave, yesterday.  SELF COMPASSION. I found it! Well, I found the link to it. (?) I have none! From your messages I kept hearing complicated grief. I would read that word "complicated" and think to myself...ummm heck yah it's complicated!!! But, I sat with it. It kept showing back up so, I researched it and it finally sank in....deep. I lack self compassion. It's not a new concept to me. It's a new AH HA moment for me. I got it. Deep inside me, I got it. It brought me to my knees. It was overwhelmingly sad to think I had no idea how to love myself, honor myself. It was all or nothing, black or white...perfection or total failure. To the outside world it was different they saw driven and perfect. Inside it was a battlefield. I thought something was WRONG with me that I couldn't do it. I had to be missing some gene that allowed me to be nice to myself. To accept all of me. Not just the perfect (which is ridiculous....because what's perfect?) it's definitely not me!!! I could never find it.  Without self compassion I won't allow myself to grieve. I only allow myself to feel guilty. And, guilty means I'm doing something wrong. Which I take a step further and it becomes I'm Wrong. Which is shame. I loved Bob with every ounce of everything inside me. He held me up when I couldn't stand. He would tell me over and over to trust myself. That I need to love myself. I deserve it. I believed him because I had to be special because he loves me. He was showing me I was special, imperfections and all! And, that I deserve to be compassionate towards myself. I could do that around him. But, the moment I stepped away I would crumble.  This group has challenged my guilt. You told me that I'm right and allowed to grieve. I DO deserve to mourn and grieve him.  I love him. No one or no circumstance surrounding it can take that away from me. The truth is we found each other and our love was perfect. Never ending..he is my soulmate. That is a fact. That is truth.  I'm not ashamed of our love!!!! So, I don't know if that made any sense. But, with that awareness I'm not lost. I'm right where I'm supposed to be grieving the love of my life. Honoring our love by honoring myself to grieve...completely. So, I'm being hit HARD!!!!! The ache is so deep. Indescribable, actually. It's going to keep coming...the only difference is I KNOW, UNDERSTAND and am not feeling guilty about it coming. It's going to hammer me (like right now) but, I know in the end I'm going to be ok. Wow, this is COMPLICATED and, it's ok because our love is beautiful. Simple. Unbroken. Forever.    I ?My Punk!

http://centerforcg.wpengine.com/resources/resources-public/self-compassion-important/

thank you to everyone who has taken the time to walk with me on this journey.     

 

 

[kayc]

Perfectionist and hard on self seems to go hand in hand.  It is that very black and white expectation of one's self that causes us to strive for perfection in the eluding goal of approval, be it from without or within.  It is in letting go of "perfection" and learning to accept how we are that we find respite.  Starting by practicing self acceptance, whether we feel it or not, in little steps.  I would get a counselor's guidance, but even aside from that, you can practice on it.  Give yourself the same understanding you give to others.  Tell yourself the same thing you would tell someone else in the same circumstances.  All of life is a learning experience and one we are meant to go through.  You think God didn't understand we aren't perfect...and yet even He thinks we're worth saving!  Why?  Because He loves us as we are and sees our potential, which it'll take a full lifetime to reach!

When we have a baby, we love them as they are, all through their life, we don't expect them to be perfect at everything or even behave perfectly all the time before we give them that love.  We understand where they're at in the journey.  So we must also learn to give this same understanding and acceptance to ourselves.  I remember a book I read many years ago called Love Acceptance and Forgiveness...it was a great book, but it starts with yourself.