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Can't combat the loneliness

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I lost my only sister last month. She had congestive heart failure and I still grapple with the fact that we could have saved her had we gone to the hospital when she first started feeling bad. She said no, and I didn't push it. Why oh why didn't we just go to the hospital!!!?!?!?!?  It still does not seem or feel real. I had a couple good days where I haven't cried, but when I go to bed it's the worse. I am taking sleeping pills and feel like I will need to take them the rest of my life. I don't know how I will get a regular nights sleep from now on. I just feel like my life has been destroyed.  I can't even remember any good times we had because it just makes me so dang sad and depressed and it also reminds me how she was only person I did EVERYTHING with, so then I start to think I will never do any of those things again. It's just a vicious circle.

I constantly want to text her or call her, it's driving me insane. I seriously can not believe she is gone, oh my God. She is gone and I don't know how I"m going to make it without her. I just truly cannot believe she is gone. I feel like I'm in some nightmare or dream or surreal moment or something.

It's so hard to find support or groups or forums of people that have lost siblings. I feel like it's just something no one cares about. We really are the forgotten mourners. I never thought about it until now. I never had a need to think about it. Whenever I heard about someones sibling dying I would think about myself and wonder how I'd cope because it was just the two of us and I just couldn't imagine it. Now I have to live with it everyday and I am not coping well.

I have cousins and such who want me go out with them and hang out. I don't know if I"m ready. I want to do something, but then I don't at the same time. I think it's just I want to do it with HER  and I want to do it our way. We were both pretty good Homebody's and loved going out but loved coming back home to hang out and watch movies. It's just we were in sync and had our favorites we liked and any new things to do we agreed on and tried and we usually ended up not liking it at the same time too, lol. Now I just feel like I'm at the mercy of friends of family and have to do what they want to do if I want to tag along. I know that sounds awful when I'm being invited out, but it's just difficult. I could be comfortable with my sister. I just hate my life now.

I'm just wondering if anyone out there is now the only sibling and what is that like for you? I just feel so lost. And so lonely. I go right home from work, pajamas and bed to watch TV.  She was the only person I hung out with.

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