Too much guilt

[Gin]

I am having such a hard time with guilt.  I keep thinking that I should have seen something that I could have reported to the doctor.  

He was seeing an internist, cardiologist. Pulminologist, vascular surgeon, but nothing seemed to help.  He just got weaker and weaker.  I spent his last two weeks in the hospital with him.    Sorry, this is my first time and I do not know how to do this

 

[Margm]

Well Gin, since I am having a rough time this afternoon, possibly I can answer.  We have lost someone we love very much, that loss is just five weeks old with me and today I am feeling terribly alone.  I can tell you about guilt though.  My last emotion with my husband of 54 years was anger because he was giving up.  I wanted a miracle.  I wanted way too much and my last emotion to him was anger when I should have been holding him.  So, we all carry guilt.  After five weeks when I see him in my mind's eye, when I see  him laying there and I was not holding him, sometimes I can shove it to the side and not think about it. But not all the time.  Anyhow, I think guilt is one of the emotions that we all feel.  None of us know how to do this.  This is so new and terrible, all we can hope for are moments of solace.  I do not know if this helps you at all, but I am at the age where many of my friends have lost their husbands.  The years go from just last December all the way up to 17 years for one of my closest friends.  We all belong to a group we don't want to belong to, but there are people on here that can give you those moments of solace, so you have come to the right place.  We all are in various stages.  And..........none of us know how to do this, but some have been doing it a lot longer than I have.  But, I share guilt with you.  I think a lot of us do.  I think Marty, the counselor will  be on to help you too.  I wish I could do more.  I will tell you this.  I think, (if this foggy wax brain can remember), I think I have had one day I did not cry.  My heart is with you my friend and I wish I could really help.  

[Gwenivere]

How to do this is just what you did.  I'm sorry you have to here like the rest of us.  Whatever you want to share, we will listen to.  I think you will find many will echo your experience and definitely your pain.  We've all seen so many facets of death.  None are pretty and there is always doubt.  What could we have done differently.  I don't know how long since your loss, but doubt is a phase and one that can really strangle you.  We all lost our loves and keep reminding each other we did the best we could.  We often forget that illness has its own agenda.  That we didn't have control.  That is hard to accept.  As Margaret says, guilt is normal and in my opinion, useless.  It stands in the way of what we did do.  That is often what we forget as caregivers.  How w per did give our all and the disease won anyway.  It's a hard path, but you are with others that truly get it.

[MartyT]

Gin, my dear, as you come to know us here, you will discover that whatever you are feeling, you are not alone in that experience. While grief is unique to each of us and we all must find our own way through our individual grief journeys, there are certain thoughts and feelings that are normal and typical, if not universal. Unfortunately, guilt is one of those feelings.

If and when you feel like reading more, you may find these articles helpful (including the related ones you'll find listed under each):

Grief and The Burden of Guilt

Guilt and Regret in Grief

[Margm]

Thanks Marty, I bookmarked them this time and they all had my picture under each word.  I hate grief.  Okay, that is anger.  

[hollowheart]

Gin, just do whatever it is you need to do. There is no right or wrong. You are not alone in your grief or your guilt. My guilt is monumental as I watched my sister lay in her bed barely talking and discussed what we should do with someone else for 2 freaking days. The morning we decided to take her to the hospital I went in her room and she was gone, not making it through the night. Had I done something just THE NIGHT BEFORE she most likely would be here with me now and I would never have even met you guys. Don't take it personally, but as nice and sweet as you guys are I wish I never had to seek out this site. I wish I knew what to tell you in terms of dealing with both your guilt and grief, as I'm still trying to figure that out myself. But I"m glad you are here and by being here maybe talking will help you sort out some of your feelings and emotions. I'm VERY slowly realizing that there is nothing you can do about someone getting sick. I wanted to save my sister's life, simple as that. We all wanted to do that one thing that would have kept them here with us, that is a natural feeling to have.

 

[kayc]

Gin, I am sorry for what you are going through. You posted just fine, and I hope you will come back and read and post some more.

Why don't you start by talking to his doctor and asking him if he thinks there's something more you could have done or something they missed.  My guess is with him seeing all those doctors, they probably did all they could.  Try not to beat up on yourself, try to give yourself the same understanding and care that your husband would have given you.  Remember how much you meant to HIM as well!

[SuzanneLouise]

Gin, I am also new to this journey.  It was one month ago yesterday.  I know there was a disagreement among 3 of the doctors that were involved in my husbands surgery that caused a delay in returning him to the CATH lab and a possible recovery.  I even had one of them call me 3 days later to try and get me to confirm the delay and the cause.  I refused to say anything in that regard because I KNOW in my heart that if I found out they could have done something to save him, my grief would increase 10 fold. Maybe you are stronger than I but I know reliving those last few days and hours would completely undo any "progress" I have made in this awful journey. 

[hollowheart]

Suzanne, you are so right in that. I have convinced myself that had I called an ambulance sooner my sister would be alive. If some told me 'yeah, you could have saved her had you done that" I think I really would have to kill myself. I know what I believe but I know I couldn't take actual 100% truth. 

soundslike something is going on with one of them wanted to confirm a delay. Sounds like one of them knows or suspects something. But as you say, knowing something for sure now does no one any good. I'm so sorry for your grief and loss. To add guilt on top of it is tortuous, that I know for sure. I know I'm guilty in not doing enough to save my sister. I failed her. I know she would be here right now.