This issue isn't focused on bereavement, rather abandonment pain. Hopefully somebody can relate.

[Kayleeann514202]

Hi, my name is Kaylee and I'm a new member here. Bear with me, as I've neve navigated a forum before! If I put this in the wrong area, please let me know.

Anyhow, back to the topic of the thread. I've felt abandoned by many, even my family at times. I was bullied since the age of five, which made me feel unworthy of many things. My dad would leave me at home, and although it was only for a few minutes, I am a rather sensitive girl especially when I was only four being left alone. I also have a younger autistic brother, and I felt emotionally abandoned, feeling they cared more about his issues than me.

As I grew older, many problems would begin to manifest in relationships. I had one friend, and whenever she'd hang out with someone else I'd become very clingy, which ironically drove her away over the years. I went into middle school, and I had a friend who was very nice to me and seemed to understand my problems. However, I had much social drama going on [bullying/teasing] and eventually she wanted no part of it. Sick and tired of feeling left, I screamed at her to leave me alone. This also happened with a boy I was friends with, but it's slightly different. He and I were friends, which I was completely comfortable in that situation. However, he liked me (which I knew) and he'd put his arm around me, you know, physical contact. It drove me crazy and I screamed at him the same way as the previous girl. 

I had a really good friend, who I depended on for emotional support. When she cut off all contact and abandoned our relationship, I was devastated

I don't know why I drive everyone out of my life. I have three friends now and the thought of being alone in a whirlwind of drama makes me feel sick. Has anyone ever been through issues like this? 

[kayc]

You are self fulfilling your own nightmare by driving away the very people you want to cling to.  No one wants to be around someone who is needy and clingy or drama filled, so the important thing to learn is to deal with your own issues.  They aren't your friends' problems to take care of, they're yours.  Your parents may have unwittingly started this in you, but it's up to you now to fill the voids in you, it's part of growing up and being mature.  It sounds like you need therapy to help you learn to do this.

You don't say how old you are, but whether a teen or an adult, you can learn to make and keep friends.  You can learn to be self sufficient.  It may take you a long while, but then this situation didn't start overnight either.  A therapist can help you explore why you drive people away and where to go from here.  Thank God we have professionals trained to do that!

If you're still in school, you can start with the school counselor or your doctor and get a referral to someone better qualified to help you.  If you feel able to, you can try talking to your parents about how you feel...they may not be aware of how you're feeling and perhaps they'll make more effort towards you and not just your brother.  Sometimes parents go to the more emergent area, and you may not come across to them the way you have to others, so they may have no clue.

Maybe try talking to your friends too and letting them know briefly that you've driven people away with your clinginess and open up dialog with them about it.  Really listen to their feedback and try to stop yourself from repeating your past mistakes before you lose them too.  This seems to be a vicious cycle, and the more you fear driving people away, the more your behaviors do just that...that's why you need professional help knowing how to deal with your underlying fears and stopping the cycle.

Good luck to you!

[MartyT]

Kaylee, my dear, you say that for a very long time, you've felt abandoned by many, and even by your family at times. As Kay suggests, you would be wise to seek the assistance of a professional counselor, preferably one who specializes in this particular field.  

It’s important to understand that abandonment is unique and different from other types of grief, and it needs to be treated differently – but it certainly does not mean that there is no other help available to you. 

I want to point you to some resources specifically aimed at your unique type of loss, so that you can learn more about it and come to a better understanding of your own behavior. You should know about Susan Anderson, herself a survivor of abandonment. She is a psychotherapist with over 25 years of clinical experience and research in working with the victims of abandonment trauma and loss. She is the founder of the Abandonment Recovery movement, and her Web site (www.abandonment.net ) reaches out to abandonment survivors with all kinds of information and support. (For a modest membership fee of $15, her site offers questions and answers about abandonment, e-mail exchanges with fellow abandonment survivors, information about how to find abandonment support groups, and the opportunity to share your story with other survivors.) Susan also has written a number of books on this topic; you can read Amazon’s description and reviews of each by clicking on these titles:

Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment

Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

The Journey from Heartbreak to Connection

See also: 

Recovery From The Ultimate Abandonment - An interview with Susan Anderson

Heartbreak, Abandonment and Betrayal - Guided Imagery CD or MP3 by Belleruth Naparstek

[Kayleeann514202]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

You are self fulfilling your own nightmare by driving away the very people you want to cling to.  No one wants to be around someone who is needy and clingy or drama filled, so the important thing to learn is to deal with your own issues.  They aren't your friends' problems to take care of, they're yours.  Your parents may have unwittingly started this in you, but it's up to you now to fill the voids in you, it's part of growing up and being mature.  It sounds like you need therapy to help you learn to do this.

You don't say how old you are, but whether a teen or an adult, you can learn to make and keep friends.  You can learn to be self sufficient.  It may take you a long while, but then this situation didn't start overnight either.  A therapist can help you explore why you drive people away and where to go from here.  Thank God we have professionals trained to do that!

If you're still in school, you can start with the school counselor or your doctor and get a referral to someone better qualified to help you.  If you feel able to, you can try talking to your parents about how you feel...they may not be aware of how you're feeling and perhaps they'll make more effort towards you and not just your brother.  Sometimes parents go to the more emergent area, and you may not come across to them the way you have to others, so they may have no clue.

Maybe try talking to your friends too and letting them know briefly that you've driven people away with your clinginess and open up dialog with them about it.  Really listen to their feedback and try to stop yourself from repeating your past mistakes before you lose them too.  This seems to be a vicious cycle, and the more you fear driving people away, the more your behaviors do just that...that's why you need professional help knowing how to deal with your underlying fears and stopping the cycle.

Good luck to you!

My problem is that I told my parents and their only response is: 

"You can't feel abandoned if you've never actually been abandoned. You can't think we've abandoned you when we haven't!"

I get that they just want me to see reality in a way but that kind of response doesn't really help much. More so, it feels like they're invalidating my emotions. I don't know what to do about this, because they don't understand. The worst part is my dad was abandoned at a young age, yet he still doesn't understand...

[Kayleeann514202]

6 hours ago, MartyT said:

Kaylee, my dear, you say that for a very long time, you've felt abandoned by many, and even by your family at times. As Kay suggests, you would be wise to seek the assistance of a professional counselor, preferably one who specializes in this particular field.  

It’s important to understand that abandonment is unique and different from other types of grief, and it needs to be treated differently – but it certainly does not mean that there is no other help available to you. 

I want to point you to some resources specifically aimed at your unique type of loss, so that you can learn more about it and come to a better understanding of your own behavior. You should know about Susan Anderson, herself a survivor of abandonment. She is a psychotherapist with over 25 years of clinical experience and research in working with the victims of abandonment trauma and loss. She is the founder of the Abandonment Recovery movement, and her Web site (www.abandonment.net ) reaches out to abandonment survivors with all kinds of information and support. (For a modest membership fee of $15, her site offers questions and answers about abandonment, e-mail exchanges with fellow abandonment survivors, information about how to find abandonment support groups, and the opportunity to share your story with other survivors.) Susan also has written a number of books on this topic; you can read Amazon’s description and reviews of each by clicking on these titles:

Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment

Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

The Journey from Heartbreak to Connection

See also: 

Recovery From The Ultimate Abandonment - An interview with Susan Anderson

Heartbreak, Abandonment and Betrayal - Guided Imagery CD or MP3 by Belleruth Naparstek

Thanks  I'll look over them 

[kayc]

Kaylee, you are so right...when someone argues our perceived emotions or experience, it invalidates our experience.  This isn't about what's actual, it's about how YOU feel and experience it through YOUR perceptions.  They're worrying too much about being "right" as parents and getting defensive over what kind of parents they are, and that doesn't help.  Instead it would be good if they would really listen to you and hear you and brainstorm a solution to help you NOT feel that way in the future!  This is where family therapy comes in handy because a good therapist can help point things out to them in a way they can hear him/her, instead of them shutting you down.  I'm sorry!

It's actually very common for a sibling of a special needs child to feel this way, because the other one necessitated so much time and attention, they feel like they faded into the wallpaper and no one noticed or cared...regardless of how the parents meant them to feel or felt about them.  And it is your experience and your feelings are very valid.

 

[Kayleeann514202]

11 minutes ago, kayc said:

Kaylee, you are so right...when someone argues our perceived emotions or experience, it invalidates our experience.  This isn't about what's actual, it's about how YOU feel and experience it through YOUR perceptions.  They're worrying too much about being "right" as parents and getting defensive over what kind of parents they are, and that doesn't help.  Instead it would be good if they would really listen to you and hear you and brainstorm a solution to help you NOT feel that way in the future!  This is where family therapy comes in handy because a good therapist can help point things out to them in a way they can hear him/her, instead of them shutting you down.  I'm sorry!

It's actually very common for a sibling of a special needs child to feel this way, because the other one necessitated so much time and attention, they feel like they faded into the wallpaper and no one noticed or cared...regardless of how the parents meant them to feel or felt about them.  And it is your experience and your feelings are very valid.

 

Thank you, somebody actually understands haha

I was also two years old when he was born, so when I still desired attention he'd get more because he was just a baby

I guess I felt emotionally deserted

[Gettingthrough79]

On 11/27/2015 at 10:59 PM, Kayleeann514202 said:

Hi, my name is Kaylee and I'm a new member here. Bear with me, as I've neve navigated a forum before! If I put this in the wrong area, please let me know.

Anyhow, back to the topic of the thread. I've felt abandoned by many, even my family at times. I was bullied since the age of five, which made me feel unworthy of many things. My dad would leave me at home, and although it was only for a few minutes, I am a rather sensitive girl especially when I was only four being left alone. I also have a younger autistic brother, and I felt emotionally abandoned, feeling they cared more about his issues than me.

As I grew older, many problems would begin to manifest in relationships. I had one friend, and whenever she'd hang out with someone else I'd become very clingy, which ironically drove her away over the years. I went into middle school, and I had a friend who was very nice to me and seemed to understand my problems. However, I had much social drama going on [bullying/teasing] and eventually she wanted no part of it. Sick and tired of feeling left, I screamed at her to leave me alone. This also happened with a boy I was friends with, but it's slightly different. He and I were friends, which I was completely comfortable in that situation. However, he liked me (which I knew) and he'd put his arm around me, you know, physical contact. It drove me crazy and I screamed at him the same way as the previous girl. 

I had a really good friend, who I depended on for emotional support. When she cut off all contact and abandoned our relationship, I was devastated

I don't know why I drive everyone out of my life. I have three friends now and the thought of being alone in a whirlwind of drama makes me feel sick. Has anyone ever been through issues like this? 

I've done exactly the same..trying to figure out why I do it. One doctor said because I held in all the bullying and rate as a child, I take it out now on the people I care about the most. .then wind up lonely again.