so lost

[Guest sadheart]

I lost my only brother almost 2 months back. It was a sudden death. It was like he was living one moment and then he was gone. He was only 27. He was not ill, was disease free. It was most confusing thing. He stopped breathing within a few minutes of being okay.

I am feeling terrible that I am using past tense for him while writing this. I dont know what to do, what to feel. I am not an expressive person.

I have absolutely no one to talk to. I dont want to be weak infront of parents. I cant cry or feel sad infront of anyone.

I have never felt more lonely in life. Everyday is a blur. I miss him so damn much. I just keep praying and hoping he's happy and getting love from god.

Are there people out here who have not really cried after losing a really close loved one? Feeling lost.

[kayc]

It might be the icebreaker to talk to your parents about him...perhaps they're afraid to bring it up to you for fear of upsetting you.  The elephant in the room.  Sure, there are a lot of people that don't cry at first.  Just make sure you're not trying to keep from crying, let the tears come if you feel them.  It's important to do the grief work.  Maybe write down what he meant to you, what you're going to miss about him, what you wish you could say to him.

27 is so young, I'm sure it was a shock to you and your parents, esp. since he seemed fine one minute and gone the next.  Did they do an autopsy?   Death is a part of the life cycle and most of us believe it's not the end, but rather a transformation into what's next.  I'm sure he's happy and at peace, everything the experts have told us has shown that.

 

[Guest sadheart]

No they didnt do an autopsy. It was because some particle entered in his wind pipe . It was a freak thing to happen.

My parents do talk about him but I guess even they are finding it hard to accept the reality.

We all were so happy together, living together.

Its really unfair that his life was so abruptly ended. He a really innocent person even at 27. A child at heart!

Why did it happen to him? Why do the good people leave so early?

[kayc]

I'm so sorry, Hon.  It is unfair.  

[Kayleeann514202]

I'm so sorry. It's almost (in no way am I comparing anticipating to sudden, they are both very painful)  more of a shock than an anticipated death (where your brother may have had an illness that was severe) because you had no idea that anything was wrong. It's a ton of bricks dropped on you at once, without even managing time to create an even slight barrier.

As for the shock, I've had sudden things happen without warning (for me it was sudden abandonment) and I can't even feel anything because I fell into such a big shock. 

Since you state you've had trouble expressing yourself anyway, then that might play a part in your inability to cry. 

I hope you can figure out a way to bring this up to your parents, as well. You truly need the support, and we all hope and pray you get it. 

 

[hollowheart]

I'm so sorry sad heart. I lost my only sister a month ago and I'm still in shock. Still in disbelief that she is gone. The loneliness is crippling. You are right the good go early, and evil lives a good long life. If your parents don't want to talk about him or if you feel like you can't cry in front of them (and that is not being weak) then look into finding a counselor or support through a hospice or church. If no one else you can talk to them. I have no one to talk to other than my therapist. I don't want to make my Ma sadder so I usually breakdown alone. It very stressful to want her back so bad and can't get her back. I get these thoughts that she is only gone for a little while. It's heart wrenching I will never talk to her again or go shopping together. She was my best friend, my only social outlet.  Now I just sit at home every weekend, bored and lonely. 

Look into someone to talk to. Suddenly having no one in that capacity will start to get to you. 

[Guest sadheart]

Yes hollowheart, i am feeling the same emotions right now. I am busy all day at work but when I get back home, the realization hits me that he is not there anymore.

I sit at home on the weekends feeling depressed all the time. I dont want to meet anyone. What do I say to them? How do I react? Should I pretend everything is alright or I should act in any different way.

By the way, thank you all of you for writing back. I am grateful.

[MartyT]

I just happened upon this article, which made me think of you both: Do We Recognize the Grief of Losing a Sibling?

[Guest sadheart]

Yes MartyT going through the same at the moment. Parents are so lost in their grief that they fail to see their other child is suffering too. Although, I may not be crying in front of them but its killing from me inside. But I cant really blame them for this.

[hollowheart]

Sadheart, our stories sound similar. My Ma too is in her own grief. Mainly, she tries to keep from breaking down to hard, I think it's just to painful for her. I will catch her looking a certain way and sighing and I know what she is thinking.

I will just cry alone and I know most of the time she hears me, but by some fate or something, I am always done crying when she comes by. Me being sad makes her sad so she doesnt' want me crying and sobbing, but that makes me distressed because sometimes she will get mad and it's this feeling of I'm not supposed to grieve, or I'm not supported in my sadness, like I'm not supposed to be sad. It hurts.

I am just lost and alone. I talked to my sister every single day. I would go to her vent, to just talk, for advice, with little inside jokes. Now I can't do any of that and it's the worse feeling in the world not having anyone to talk to who would actually care about or get what you are talking about.

I have no one else I can text random goofy stuff too and they will get it, no one to just call and vent to, no one available to me like she was. I am definitely in hell on earth right now.

[kayc]

HH, maybe try a grief support group so you can meet others going through the same thing?

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

HH, maybe try a grief support group so you can meet others going through the same thing?

I've been looking. There is nothing near me. I have looked into Compassionate Friends, it looks like I missed their last meeting. It will be a trek to get there and I'm on public transportation. I might try to get to one, but because of the distance and the trek to get there I don't know how much of a regular thing it can be. That's very frustrating. I'd love a group, but everything is just so far out for me. 

[Guest sadheart]

If u dont mind my asking, how old was ur sister? And what happened to her ? Was it sudden?

I have the same problem, I have nothing nearby. And I cant really go to far off places coz I am working.

It is tough coping up on ur own. Do u have friends to talk to? Are u studying or working?

[MartyT]

You might take a look at the Grief Support for Siblings page on The Compassionate Friends website, as it offers alternatives to its in-person support group meetings:

Here on The Compassionate Friends national website, you will find support in a number of different ways.

• TCF's Online Support Community (live chats) allows you to talk with other bereaved siblings  from across the country during the Online Support Community sessions held every week.  These sessions are limited in number of participants and have trained monitors who are also siblings.

• Recommended sibling materials are offered through TCF Exclusives.

• Two brochures made specifically for bereaved siblings:

When a Brother or Sister Dies

Adults Grieving the Death of a Sibling

 

[hollowheart]

Sadheart,

Hi, my sister was 43, so she had a lot of years left of her life and to be with me. She had congestive heart failure, and the circumstances around her death are what creates even worse grief for me.

She had slurred speech and some slight face droopiness the day before, but then it stopped and she just went into fatigue and kept sleeping and sleeping, and Me and my Ma decided to take her to the doctor in the morning and that was to late, she didn't make it through the night. So it is really our fault she died because we didn't get her medical attention in time and I KNOW she could have lived. What made us wait until the next damn day, I don't know. I knew it was bad, but I think I was in denial that she could ever die. She never got the hospital, there was no autopsy done, there was a death certificate but I can't bring myself to read it. I believe she had a mild stroke and because of the over drinking she did because her mouth was dry was to much for her heart with her medical condition.

However, because she was dealing with this for about 3 and a half days (first couple days she was still walking and talking) who knows what it was doing to her and she should have been in the hospital from the moment she didn't feel good. Things had gone to far by then and she wasn't eating or taking meds or nothing, so I have no one to blame but myself. And to think that she could be alive if we had just called the hospital a day or two earlier, or even that night has sent me to a therapist, antidepressants and sleeping pills. I feel like I am really going crazy and just can't come to terms that she is really gone. So the fact that it wasn't sudden and could have been prevented is making me lose my mind.

Everyone else here talks about cancer, or car accidents and had no time. But there I was with days to help her and did nothing. While she was telling me her mouth was dry and she was tired, we should have been on our way to the ER. I think I was in denial something so tragic could happen.

Also, I work but I hate my job so it's like I'm not really happy there, then have nothing to come home to after work. Of course afterwork was my downtime when I'd start calling and texting her and go over to visit, so now there is nothing to look forward to after work either. Nothing to look forward to on the weekends, no plans to make. My life just sucks now.

If you ever want or need to vent off the forum, you can email me, if you want. Not saying you have to, but I don't mind if you need to just 'get it out' sometimes. angelsslayer@yahoo.com

[Guest sadheart]

Thank you MartyT for the link. Will surely go through it.

Hollowheart, we all blame ourselves for my brother but everyone keeps on telling us, that if it was meant to happen, nothing could have prevented it.

So I try not to think in that direction. I dont really want to indulge in self pity either.

I just feel its unfair for my brother that he had to go in his 20s only. I will never get the chance to see him grow old. I feel guilty too coz I didnt spend so much time with him in the past few months. I used to be so tired in the evenings after work even if he was around we didnt really be together that much. He always had the time for me but hell, I took him for granted. This thought never even entered my mind that he ll be snatched away so abruptly from us. Its sad and it sucks.

I can only tell u to find some sort of hobby or filler to distract your mind. I ll tell you, I personally have started watching inspirational videos in my free time. I feel a little better after watching them. Videos about anything in general in life. It helps at times.

[hollowheart]

i have similar guilt about not wanting to help her with simple stuff or being kinda mean sometimes. But we did love each other. I woke up in anguish because I just let her lay there and die. I know she could have lived. I keep thinking about her laying there rolling around on the bed, and sleeping. She needed medical attention and we didn't give her that chance and it's my fault. We basically killed her. I can't even breath, I can't believe she is gone and it's because of us. I think that's why inspiration videos won't help me because it's my fault. I just let her die. I think it could have been prevented had she gone to the hospital. 

Im sorry your brother was taken so soon. Mine was in her 40's and it is never enough time. In their 80's would have been to soon. So much future lost from both of them. And future lost with them. I will never be right over this. 

[kayc]

HH, I can never tell you enough NOT to beat up on yourself so much, yet I know you won't heed me.  You have it stuck in your brain that you killed her, yet you don't know that for sure, you just THINK that's what happened.  It's very possible you could have gotten her to the hospital and the outcome would have been the same.

Is this what your sister would want for you?  What would she tell you right now?  I can't believe she'd want you accepting the blame for what happened.  If anything, it was your mom, yet even so, you don't want to blame her or lay that on her.  The truth is, neither of you wanted your sister to die, and you both loved her, even if you don't feel your mom showed it the way you think she should have.

I really hope you'll get help for this...and accept it.  Listen to the experts, that's what they got their training for.    I know it's haunting you, all of us that lose someone have such haunts to some degree, we all wish we could roll back the clock and do something different, but that is in light of the knowledge we have now, and at the time, we did not have that knowledge, just as you didn't.

[hollowheart]

kayc, thank you. You're right. I know. And I do blame my mom to a certain degree, although I blame myself more because I know how she is, and I didn't speak up for my sister and do what I know was right. I wanted to go to my Ma and have her be as concerned as I was and agree we should call an ambulance. I think to a degree neither of us wanted to believe it could turn as tragic as it did.

But I was going in the right direction and let her dissuade me and I can't get past my first intentions could have saved her life. If I push my Ma on it she will say why didn't I call then? Which puts the blame right back on me. She finally did say she was wrong because she was looking at her to laying in bed, not talking or waking up and did nothing either. I just feel like a fool that I would let her lay there like that and not think that was a urgent situation.

She had gone too long, even when she was up walking around it was probably bad she just happened to be conscious. I don't know why we would do that? Wait until morning. That's what ambulances are for. That's all I can think of is that we didn't even give her a chance.

What I know for sure is that waiting all that extra time killed her. So if she had gotten to the hospital in time she would have been OK. It was not sudden, it was a decline and we helped it by doing nothing. I'm just in such agony I can't see anything else. I just need her back so bad, and I can't have her and that is worse than torture, because even torture can end and you can heal and survive and the pain will stop. All I can do is long for something I can never have again. That can never be replaced. So much of my life revolved around her and us together, I feel like I don't know how to live. Today is awful for some reason, I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack.

 

[Guest sadheart]

Hollowheart you need to stop thinking along those lines. My parents constantly blame themselves, that they should have got my brother checked before. They should have given importance to everytime he coughed or even complained of running nose. They keep wondering if the outcome would have been any different. All I can say is, its the same story in every houseold who has experienced loss.

We cannot get the person back by blaming ourselves. We need trust god. 

My brother passed away within a few mins after feeling breathlessness. He did not suffer much. I really thank god that he got a smooth passage.

I miss him like crazy but. I am finding it hard to cry. Its like I want to but I cant. I am not willingly stopping the tears but still I am feeling helpless.

[hollowheart]

The reason it's so hard for me is because she was laying there, alive and we had a chance. I know this is spilled milk now, but it's very hard to move release those thoughts. I'm trying very hard. Had she died within minutes then that would be that. But knowing we had time and did nothing is horrible to live with. Waiting another whole day for what? oh my God.

I'm just so sad and pissed off and I'm tired of not having the one person there I need to vent too. I think I just have bottled up emotions, thoughts, feelings, everything and no one to discuss it with. I truly cannot believe she is gone.

[Guest]

Having been grieving the death of a sibling since last summer, I can tell you something for sure. You need to talk to someone outside of your family. We all grieve differently. Its truly hard to support each other within the family when the risk is so high that you trigger each other's grief.

I also suggest letting your parents know how hard this is for you. They might be wondering how you are feeling, if you are not showing your feelings. Maybe they are worried about you and don't want to push it in case it makes you feel worse. Or maybe they just don't know whether or how you need support.  Maybe they think it didn't hit you that hard. When you tell them, you could even specify that you don't expect them to be able to fix it for you but you want them to know that you have been grieving in ways that you haven't be showing.

Sibling grief is AWFUL! So much of our identity is tied up with our siblings. You are not alone in feeling this! I do think it must be worse when the person is that young and there is not warning. In the long run, I think the worst for your grief will be if you have to keep it to yourself. So, please come back here and please keep looking for outlets near you.

[kayc]

And it does no good to hold someone else to blame either, that'll destroy us with bitterness.  It's so important to let go of guilt and blame, it's neither useful nor positive at this point, it's done.

Guest:  I'm sorry for your loss too.

[Guest sadheart]

Guest : so sorry to hear about your loss.

I dont know, how it will be in the long run without my brother. Its still hard to believe he is not there anymore. I look at his pictures, its hard to imagine a life without him say 40-50 years without him.

I am only living for my parents right now.

[hollowheart]

Sadheart, that is EXACTLY how I feel. I can't imagine living another 40 years without her. 40 Freaking years! she was supposed to have those same years. I am also living just for my parents. I don't even give a s*** about anything anymore. I feel so terribly alone, even my Ma does not understand. I was having a hard time yesterday and she goes 'I thought you were getting better' No, I'm getting worse.

I think she worries about me, but I don't know. Sometimes I think she's just clueless as to how incredibly hard this is for me. I tried to go hang out with her last night and sat down talking. She paused the show she was watching then asked if I was finished with what I was saying. So, obviously, I went back to my room, got back in the bed and stayed there for the rest of the night by myself. That is how it is now. That is what makes me even more insane. I used to have that companionship, that friendship, that fun, that person to run things by and complain too, who would get my jokes. If I walked in on my sis, she'd either stop the show or it would be something I would want to watch too and I'd join her. I never felt alone when I went to talk to her. I miss that so much. I just hate my life now. I'm just miserable all the time now.