Guilt over not "grieving" right

[Guest snowwhitesis]

My one and only big sister died 1 year ago.  I miss her so much.  I often talk to her when I am alone.  I also write letters to her.  But here is the thing I never cry anymore about her being gone.  When it first happened I cried all the time.  Now I never cry.  But I cry over stupid things like a beautiful commercial or a sad movie.  I don't understand why I cant cry over my sister.  She died so suddenly leaving behind a new baby.  I wasn't prepared for her to leave. I feel genuine sadness over my sister but just cant cry.  And everytime I don't cry I feel guilty.  Maybe I am not handling my grief right?  I don't know

[kayc]

You are handling your grief just fine.  Crying is not a measurement of our love or our loss.  It's common in the beginning to cry and for it to lessen in frequency, intensity, and duration as time goes by because little by little we are adjusting to the shock of losing them.  For instance, when the phone rings, after this long, you probably don't immediately think it's her, because you realize by now that she's gone and it's changed your everyday life.  That has no bearing on the fact that you miss her, you will always miss her.  Nor does it have bearing on the fact that you're grieving.  Grief continues but it evolves and changes form...and we along with it.

You are expressing yourself by writing letters to her, that is good.  If you were refusing to acknowledge your grief, I'd be concerned, but that is not the case.  Some people do continue to cry, but some do not, we are all unique in how we handle things and cope and adjust.  

I am sorry you lost your sister.  I have four sisters and I know it's going to be hard once they start going, three of them are considerably older than me and one in particular has not taken care of herself.  I dread it as we're close and talk almost everyday and live in the same town.  I've lost my parents, grandparents, husband, niece, nephew, and many dogs and cats over the years.  I empathize with you because my sisters have been the one constant in my life and I imagine you feel that way too.  If she had a new baby, she must have still been young, what we think of as the prime of her life.  It seems harder to me, in a way, to lose someone young because we expect them to live many more years and feel they got gypped.  (((hugs)))

[hollowheart]

Worrying about not crying is the last thing you need to heap on yourself on top of your grief. As distraught and miserable as I am, I had days where I wanted to cry, but just didn't or couldn't, for whatever reason. Then one day, I was sad and upset and I cried. There are days I cry off and on all day.

as kay said, that does not mean you love her any less. Don't think of grieving the "right way". That is more societal pressure on us to mourn a certain way and then get back to the way we were. It's very hard for people grieving because grief is really for a lifetime, but no one expects us to be sad that long. They expect a recovery period and you're frowned upon if you haven't 'recovered' yet.  Just let yourself feel whatever you feel.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your big sister and so sorry she left a baby behind.  I lost my big sister too and it's killing me slowly. No one in this world knows how horrible this has destroyed my soul and my entire world. They just think I'm getting better or have grieved enough. I just want to die. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

[MartyT]

I hope it brings you some comfort to know that, as a grief counselor, I hear this concern about crying (or not crying) all the time ~ as if there is a right or wrong way to "do" grief. You might find this article helpful: In Grief: When Tears Won't Come  ♥