Restlessness And Lethargy

[Guest Joslyn]

Hello, my name is Joslyn and I lost my mother yesterday. She was diagnosed with advanced hemangiopericitoma (tumorous cancer) in August of 2002. She fought hard and went through hell and back more times that I know. Yesterday she lost her battle and is at home with God now.

She was an alocholic for most of my life. She was in and out of rehab many many times. She got sober on March 23rd, 1996, I was 14. She went to jail and worked a program through a sober living home. I had a rocky relationship with my mom before she got sober and many times wished I didn't have a mom. Then it seemed that the sun had finally risen and I had a real mom. She attended my performances and supported me in my endeavors.

I had just made a significant decision in my life to follow my boyfriend (who became my husband) to Arizona to finish up my education, when she called me my first week out there to tell me she had cancer. 9 years previous she had a hysterectomy due to a cantelope size tumor near her uterus and ovaries. They removed it and pronounced it benign. In 2002 we discovered that it wasn't benign, it was a type of cancer the medical world was just discovering.

She went through a dozen different types of chemo. Some made her violently ill, others made her loose her hair (a feature she really loved about herself), some seemed not to affect her at all. She suffered from a build up of acieties fluid around the tumors which caused her abdomen to swell tremendously. She had a drainage tube implated so that she could relieve the fluid build up at home and as often as she wanted. She became the "poster child" for the proceedure and the doctors were astounded that she lived with it succesfully for more than 2 years.

I pause and have to remember that she's gone. I'm 17 days away from being 24, and I feel like I should be nearing the end of my life too. I got married 30 days ago. My husband is an unending source of comfort but never like she was. My step dad is an amazing man who cared so deeply for her! I will always be grateful for his compassion and sacrifices that enabled her to live out the remainder of her life at home.

She was such a strong woman. Just last Tuesday, Jan. 31st, she was at work. She refused to waste away in a bed.

I feel... ... well, nothing, and everything all at the same time. I can't sleep, I have very little interest in food (which is odd, I love food), I even sometimes catch myself not breathing and have to force myself to take a deep breath. I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but it looks so empty without her to share in my successes with me. She will never see my children (if I have any). She won't be there for midnight feedings and diaper rash.

I am selfish for wanting her back, but damn it it just hurts so much. I had my mother fo 10 years. It was a brief glimpse at one of God's angels. She has gone home, and I will miss her with every breath my body takes. I will miss her with every step I take into a new day.

I can't sleep, but I don't want to move. I just sit and stare.

This is probably the longest post ever, but I had to get it out... again.

Joslyn

"I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I'm living, your baby[girl] I'll be."

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

Sorry to hear about your mother. I lost my mother earlier last month, at 56, unknown causes. She died in her sleep and I came home and found her. I'm still shocked and sad. I lost my father 5 years go, 47, heart attack. My father's death was devestating. For my family and especially my mother. She missed him all those years and I tried my best to comfort her. We became best friends and did everything together. I tried to spend as much time as I could with her, because in my mind, she was the most important thing to me. So her death was devestating. I couldn't eat for days. I felt so weak and couldn't get out of bed. Even after a month, I have trouble sleeping. I wake up every morning at 5am, no matter what time I go to sleep. I wake up crying and just can't believe she's really gone. So I know exactly what you are going through. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I don't want to be anywhere. I think to myself, "where will I go?" This is just really sad. From my father's death, I can say that it takes time before you can start feeling ok. It took me about 3 years before I could mention my father's name without tearing up. But I was much more closer to my mom. Makes me nervous to think when I will stop feeling like this. Every minute of every day, no matter where I am, I can hear myself screaming, "I'm dying inside". I guess it'll take time to have that pain ease up. I wanted to answer your post, but maybe I'm not the one, because I'm still feelign the same way. Is there someone else out there, who can help us?

[shell]

Hi,

I think you two have so much in common that you can help each other tremendously. It has been almost a year since I lost my dad and I still have some of the same feelings you two are going through. I think the important thing is to know that it is normal and also that it will change. As they say, grief is a roller coaster ride of emotions and that is so true! But, there will be times that are more bearable, so hang in there and just go with the flow. Take one minute at a time. I feel such deep sorrow for both of you.

Take care, keep posting and reading,

Shell

[sereph]

hey there.

i think mabey the sleep thing and having no energy might be common, i have the same thing. i guess it might be because someone who was such a source of energy to you , who inspired you and who you loved, has now gone and you dont know why. no illness you could see, no reason. and it has left you feeling hopeless, like all that energy has just gone too and you dont quite know what to do with yourself.

thats just a guess, i am pretty new at all this.

i know you might have already heard this and i am sorry if you have but when one person in a partnership dies,, the other will often follow within a few years . no one quite knows why. prehaps thats it.

but as for the feeling like you are dieing too, just know that you are not alone. that people care and will help you. i hope that doesnt sound too cliched and patronising, i mean it in a nice way.

big love and hugs x

[Guest Guest-Anne]

I lost my father very suddenly just 11 days ago. I could have written the post above - I can't sleep, can't think, can barely breathe. I am a clinical psychologist and the rational part of me knows that all of this is normal - and yet it's so hard to accept. One minute I want to smash every window in the house, the next I am a puddle of tears, and the next I am numb. Everyone tells me it will change - I desperately want to believe that. I want to be able to remember my father without crying and feeling like everything associated with him is a just a huge, gaping wound that I can't close. Thank you for posting what you have... it helps to know others are out there, though I wish that none of us were going through it at all. -Anne

[shell]

Anne,

Thank you for posting. It's actually a comfort to know that a psychologist can be having the same "symptoms" that we are. I don't know why, but you would just think they would know how to cope better, or something, and it is reassuring to know that we are not all crazy! I hope this makes sense...I mean it in the nicest way. I'm sorry for your loss and what you, too, are going through. I guess when it comes to losing someone you love, it doesn't matter who you are, what kind of job you have, or anything. We all suffer and think, at times, we can't cope.

Good luck and believe that things will get better,

Shell

[shubom]

So sorry about your loss and overwhelming emotions. I know the feelings all too well. My mom passed away a few months ago in her sleep at 56. I'm devasted. I lost my father 6 years ago, so it seems like this grief will never go away. Both of my parents?! Wow.....isn't this just a lovely place?! My emotions are hard to control. Sometimes I scream and sometimes I just sit and stare. It's just so hard, I miss her so much. I miss them both!

For me too, I agree, no matter what job you have, or anything, loss is felt all the same. I got so angry when my mom died, I just wished I could throw all my education out the door ! Didn't do me any good telling her to watch what she ate and did, in the end she died anyways. We all lose ! So what's the point of anything?! The textbooks try to help you by describing the emotions, but those little scribbles are nothing compared to what you're really feeling. Yes, they helped me when my dad died, but now that my mom is gone, I need something stronger ! Oh how I wish there was a "feel better emotion pill" to make all the hurt go away.......

[Guest Guest]

Thanks Shell - I appreciate that. Yes, it's never easy, no matter who you are. Even though I consider myself a pretty good "coper" most days, this has blown me completely away. I guess I'd be thinking that there was something wrong with me if I weren't having these feelings, but still... it's just too much.

Everyone says it will get better, that the only way OUT is THROUGH. I know it's true but it doesn't help much, at least not yet.

Wishing you all peace... Anne

[Guest Guest_Anne_*]

I couldn't agree more... I am so sorry for your loss.

The textbooks try to help you by describing the emotions, but those little scribbles are nothing compared to what you're really feeling.

[shell]

I think that is the hardest thing about grief, that you just have to go through it. Even if you have support from other people (which helps a lot!) you still have to get through it yourself, in your heart, by yourself. It is so overwhelming and sad.

Hugs to everyone,

Shell