debi.williams Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Hello my Wonderful friends, I haven't said hello to you all for quite some time and I hope you are all well, I've missed you! It has been a very busy period with work and trying to wade through the bureaucratic minefield that is my husband's little company. I am exhausted to be honest and I've got myself quite low. I am finding things are getting worse and the void his passing has left seems to be just getting wider and I don't honestly know what I can do to make it any better. I really feel at a particular loss today. 18 weeks ago I was happy. I was normal and now I don't even recognise myself. I hardly slept last night. I cannot believe I have lost the one person who helped me make sense of the world. All my life I just wanted one person and I found him and then I lost him. I am worried about literally everything. My son's safety in an uncertain world, money, Christmas, New Year, facing the future without him. I cannot seem to stop crying today. I just can't find even a corner of comfort in my mind or soul. I have only my lovely Max (I know I am blessed) and I know that how I handle my grief will have a direct impact on how he handles it in the future. I know so so many of you feel the same and when I read your posts I live them with you. I am not by nature an angry person or have ever felt one of life's 'victims' even though I have lost all of my birth family, but I am feeling both now and I don't like it. I am so sorry to rant on but I don't even have the energy to pick up the phone and call a friend. Writing seems to be the only thing that helps. I can see quite clearly that when this nightmare first began, the shock and numbness actually saved me from the initial impact. Somewhere in the middle I had peaceful moments of acceptance and then some lows, but now it seems all downhill. I can't seem to accept I will never see him again on this earth. In my mind's eye is key is in the door and he is walking in. When I come home, he will be on the sofa. I will hear his voice again. It is like my soul is still searching for him although my mind knows it is hopeless. I used to consider myself quite a strong person, but then it is so easy to be strong with your rock by your side isn't it? I am sorry to sound so negative but it is how I am feeling at the moment. I am sure, this too will pass. Big hugs to you all XXXXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Debi, Most say six months is one of the roughest times, and I think you're just finding it a little early. It's when shock wears off, people have gone home, and you're left facing this stark reality that you never wanted. My son was in the Air Force when George died and he grieved heavily and being a stoic person raised by his dad not to show emotions (George was his stepdad), he had a hard time dealing with the waking up crying and crying in front of others at work. It would have been so much easier on him had he not been in the military when it hit. George was the dad he always wanted, no respect to his dad who was good in his own ways. I think he had everything between the two of them. George looked up to my son and respected him more than anything in the world, whereas he strived all his life to gain his dad's approval and never got it. It's not that his dad isn't proud of him, it's that he doesn't tell him and was always hard on him, expecting more than perfection. Graduating valedictorian from high school, serving his country, and graduating with degrees in mechanical, computer and electrical engineering with a 4.0 summa cum laude, without help from anyone STILL didn't get his dad's approval. I've told him it's his dad's issues, definitely not him. So you can imagine how much Paul loved George, who accepted and respected him and would have done anything in the world to help him. They were the best of friends. They would have long talks while I fixed dinner, he'd join us at our camping site, we'd watch movies together, we'd go on hikes together, and to this day, he misses him. My daughter feels the same way, so does her husband. He was just a special man. I love the quote you shared with us, it's how it was for us too. It really helps to try to get through this day and not look at the whole rest of your life. Try to let go of worry and just be, today. Try to focus on what is good in your life even though I know what you lost is screaming at you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Debi - Welcome back, you have been missed. I relate well to your not being able fully accept Matthew is really gone. I still have many days where my overwhelming feeling is I am literally living someone else's life. This can't be mine. Also feel free to rant away. We all need it and we all can relate. We are here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 5 hours ago, debi.williams said: I can see quite clearly that when this nightmare first began, the shock and numbness actually saved me from the initial impact. Somewhere in the middle I had peaceful moments of acceptance and then some lows, but now it seems all downhill. I can't seem to accept I will never see him again on this earth. In my mind's eye is key is in the door and he is walking in. When I come home, he will be on the sofa. I will hear his voice again. It is like my soul is still searching for him although my mind knows it is hopeless. I used to consider myself quite a strong person, but then it is so easy to be strong with your rock by your side isn't it? I am sorry to sound so negative but it is how I am feeling at the moment. I am sure, this too will pass. I know I went about 3 months in shock. There were so many things to do and they distraction from the reality that Steve was gone....forever. When that wore off, I would (and still do) have grief attacks. Times of inconsolable sobbing. Happened last night and it had been awhile, tho it is always there just under the surface. Kay mentioned elsewhere the fear of crying and we feel we may not stop, but we do. Our minds have to release that pain or it will consume us. Your post caught my attention because winter has set in and here in Seattle that means gloomy days and lots of rain. So when I leave the house in the afternoon, I come home to darkness. I was also used to him being here so lights were on and he was present. I still search for him mentally. Everything feels off without him. Even tho I have established new routines around the loss, they are a reminder OF the loss. It's kinda a lose/lose situation right now. I even miss the things that annoyed me like leaving pop cans all over the place. It's like the house is too perfect, not lived in. I would love to see him walk thru the door. It is easier to feel strong when we have them. We forged a strength together to face the world. We are strong in ways we cannot see right now. The fact we get thru another day is proof of that. Some give up. But I also have days that I feel so weak and alone no matter what I accomplish. It's the nature of grief I am learning. I will always wish he was here. How could I ever not? Debi, as much as I hate to hear it myself, all you are feeling is normal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Debi, I have been worried not seeing you on here and tonight I was going to look for you again. I am sorry we all have to go through this hell, and that is what it has to be, hell. The first few days I would wake and think he was beside me, then matter of factly would think "no, he's gone." I have people around me and I am happy to have them. I thought I wanted to be by myself, maybe later, not right now. You have created a Rumi monster in me, I read him all the time. Cannot believe the century he is from. I have found that the week ends and holidays are the worse. Week ends because I cannot conduct any business that I should be doing but am not doing. Sunday because I cannot walk to the mailbox. We search for help to our pain, somehow there is no break through. I was talking to my daughter today about her Nanny (who was a character, cursed like a sailor), and was very colorful. Then I felt a heaviness like "you should not be talking about Billy's mother." She and I became the best of friends before she passed away, but that woman was something else. And, I just felt Billy telling me not to talk about his mama like that." Actually, I did not say anything he would not have said, but I felt guilty talking about her. Nothing my daughter did not already know. It was almost like I was talking against him. I explained this to our daughter. She and our son are both bipolar so tend to depression anyhow and are having a hard time, although our son has connected with one of Billy's oldest friends and is going to paint some pictures of the 1958-59 period of the "bridge sitters," small town, and that is what they did on the week end, hung around the bridge on the main highway. Will be almost Norman Rockwell-ish. I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. So many of us are. Have missed hearing from you though. Debi, I have copied so many of Rumi's quotations. The one I wanted was the flower breaking through the rock. I will find it eventually. I certainly don't want you to be silent, because we miss you and worry about you if you are not on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 This Board is our own "Grief Hotel"...you check out anytime you want, but you can never leave.......guy down the road took a couple of good pics, here is a good one ,, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Beautiful picture. Yep, this is our own "Hotel California." Check out any time you want but you can never leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 Debbie, I know how you feel. Your words expressed what happens to me. There are times I can get through the grief and there are times it just becomes deeper. It's always with me I some form or another. We just have to keep the process going despite the awful pain. Thank you for writing your feelings to the group Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 Gwen, this new normal, I am on your flip side.......Your comments brought tears to my eyes followed by laughter....I was the partner who woke up in the morning and returned to a made bed, my cloths that I threw close to the hamper magically found there way back to my drawers, and the empty pop cans found their way to the garage. She was Mrs Clean and I was Oscar Madison, I had a good Life because I had a good Wife... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 Debbi, I'm glad you are back to write. The news have been silent about the situation in Bruxelles lately so I hope things are calmer now. I understand the feeling, at month 14 I am still in kind of "denial" that my love is not here. Maybe due to the fact that I moved out from city and nothing reminds me of him. Or our hearts never truly comlletely accepts it. I just let it be. I am getting used to more and more to grief and ambiguity. Keep it one day at a time, and when it gets harder, just hold on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 Kevin, now you have made me laugh. My Oscar Madison always returned to a made bed, his clothes returned to places they should be and those pop cans! I would collect at least 6 from the day and many were still full. He had shiny object syndrome and would forget and grab another. When I found one on the hood of my car when leaving one day and he had no recollection of doing it, I knew this guy was really focused on whatever task caught his attention. I miss my job as Felix! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 Debi....you wrote "It is like my soul is still searching for him although my mind knows it is hopeless"....oh God I know what you mean!!! I truly believe our souls were intertwined, we were SO close and connected....so my part searches for his....like a lost, scared child. I don't think you should apologize for "ranting"....it's your anguish bubbling over...and I am realizing, although new here, that everyone here respects, and even more importantly, understands those feelings, and the need to vent them in a place where no one will "judge" you. I'll keep coming back....and will hope to see your posts as well as those of others. Peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted December 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 Oh my friends you are all so wonderful. It has made me very teary, but for once in a good way! I am wrapped up in bed at the moment with flu!! It never rains eh?......A bit of the shivers followed by a bit of the fever so I will answer all your lovely messages of support as soon as I feel a bit better. Huge hugs to you all xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 So sorry to hear you got the flu bug. Nasty little sucker as he is never invited and that just plain rude! Hope you feel better soon. So true, when it rains, it pours. Like you need that right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 Debi, I hope you are feeling better. I know it is doubly hard to be ill without your husband by your side. None of us will ever "get over" losing our loved ones, but we will get "past" those losses to face all the other challenges that life will throw at us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 8, 2015 Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 Debi, I am so sorry, and I hope iot goes away very quickly! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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