Tfer Posted December 11, 2015 Report Share Posted December 11, 2015 Hi Everyone, I'm new here. I hope you won't mind if I take a moment of your time to share my story because it's so overwhelming it's sometimes too much to bear. Ritchie and I met in 2011 and from the first moment we both knew -- we were "it" for each other. We had the most amazing, spontaneous, fun life together. Loved motorcycles, boats, any adventure both near and far. Ritchie was a live in the moment guy and taught me to do that too. Whether we had the money or not, we'd find a way to live life on our terms. He brought me out of my shell, loved my sons as if they were his own and every picture -- where we all have huge smiles on our faces -- was all because of his love, lightness and amazing energy. We went to Colorado in July on vacation and to see our youngest perform in a show. I didn't feel well the night of the show and was getting sick all night long, but we set off the next day to go horseback riding. We headed out on the scenic mountain highway and about an hour in, we stopped for some coffee. I still didn't feel well so only had some water and tea. But Ritchie was tired and asked me to drive (as was always the case because he would fall asleep at the wheel!). So I took over driving. We passed a sign saying 9500 ft elevation and the next thing I knew I woke up in a car wreck. Ritchie was sitting next to me but unconscious. I tried to wake him, but he was already gone. I passed out again and woke up in a hospital bed where I was told my aortic heart valve was in critical condition and I needed open heart surgery immediately. This was all July 28, 2015. Rich was 54 and it was 3 days before my 52nd birthday. It seems I passed out behind the wheel due to the heart value, lack of oxygen from the altitude and dehydration and hit an oncoming car head on. I don't know how I can ever accept that I was responsible for the death of my best friend and love of my life. I know it wasn't my fault, but I did cause it...and the weight of that is crushing. The circumstances are so insane that I find it hard to process. I, of course am now totally healthy - I'll probably live another 30 years. I waited 48 years for Ritchie....We had 4 years together, two married, and now he's gone. I know he made the ultimate sacrifice to save me, but honestly I wish I'd drifted off to the right and gone over the cliff instead of to the left. I just can't understand why I was given this gift and then had it ripped from me....and what good is a healthy heart when it's broken? Thanks for listening....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 11, 2015 Report Share Posted December 11, 2015 Tfer - What a load you must be carrying. The first thing you need to do is to learn to forgive yourself because you really are blameless for the accident. The accident was simply waiting to happen. You did not know of the heart condition. You did not cause the accident, a freak medical problem that you had no control over caused the accident and I believe Richie would be the first to tell you so. I know about wishing to go over the cliff. I wish for a quick, painless death myself; daily. As you move through this process of grief it is important to keep in mind that everything you did, you did with love and the best information you had. Regrets and guilt need to be put in a proper perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 11, 2015 Report Share Posted December 11, 2015 Tfer, I am so sorry for your pain. My husband and I got together about the same time frame, I knew him only 6 1/2 years, was married 3 years 8 months to him. It does seem unfair when some get 60 years together and we get such a small amount of time, but I've learned it's about quality of relationship that we're blessed with, not number of years. When I lost my husband I was 52 and he was just 51 and I thought, "oh great, I will probably live another 40 years!" I've learned since to not look at the whole rest of my life, which felt overwhelming, but rather take a day at a time. Even now, ten years later, I still have to practice that. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted December 12, 2015 Report Share Posted December 12, 2015 Tfer, please keep on reading and sharing. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Here I can share my deepest grief and members understand. The only other place I can share deeply is at my therapists. My friends and family understand that I continue to grieve, but I can't go too deep with what I'm going through. I have one friend and one cousin that I can go deeper with. I'm so grateful that the grief healing group is here. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 12, 2015 Report Share Posted December 12, 2015 Tfer......what a horrible loss to bear....no words can bring you the comfort you need. I too, waited my lifetime for my husband, we also started life together in 2011, and it sounds as if we had very similar experiences....we lived our life to the fullest, even when we could ill afford it ....what a wonderful, magical time for us! He left this earth almost 8 weeks ago....and, like you, I'm finding the grief intolerable. It's pain, every single waking moment! But, in reading the many postings in this forum...I feel as if I have a place to vent my grief, to rage if need be....and the people here "get it"...they don't judge, because they DO understand, It helps. So, please....come here when you can....and perhaps in some of the postings, you will find something that helps, if only for a moment or two. Peace. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tfer Posted December 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2015 Thanks everyone for your heartfelt words. I have some days when I'm "ok" and can get through without crying, but many more the opposite. I went to the beach this morning partly just to walk and remember the beauty in the world but also because we buried Ritchie at sea. I was having a hard time going to the beach at all but now I know he's there with me. The holidays are hard...for all of us. I'm trying to go through the motions but my heart is simply not in it. Going away for Christmas with my kids and a good friend because the thought of being here is too much to handle. I know you are all hurting too -- my heart goes out to all of you and sending positive vibes for a good day today... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 I wrote out a thoughtful response here and then lost it (site was updating). I can't remember what I wrote now but I want to say you are in no way responsible, it could have happened to any of us. I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I hope you have a grief counselor to help you through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tfer Posted December 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 Thanks kayc. I am trying to find a grief counselor. Honestly wasn't ready until now. I hope it'll help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 On venerdì 11 dicembre 2015 at 5:16 PM, Tfer said: I just can't understand why I was given this gift and then had it ripped from me....... tfer, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend last year after a surgery. I too don't understand why I have been blessed with the gift of true love and to loose him four years later. Ripped away is how I describe it. I don't have an answer and it breaks my heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 Tfer- I hope you are able to find a good grief counselor. I know the things that have helped me the most are: my grief counselor (keep looking for her wings because she is an angel), my grief support group (worth the 400 miles roundtrip twice a month), this discussion group (so sorry to see everyone here but your wisdom and compassion see me through very tough times), and my psychiatrist (only because she has me on mertazapine...allows me to sleep, allows me to eat and evens out the mood swings without numbing me. For me this was a game changer; I went from unable to sleep, eat and do anything but cry to eating, sleeping and dealing better with my moods overnight.) You may want to look into support groups in your area- try Hospice of the Valley. I know in the Phoenix area there are several and you can go to any of them. Just find the ones that are close and fit your time schedule. Thay are a great place to network with others on a face to face level. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tfer Posted December 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 Scba, I am so sorry for your loss. I do think ripped is an accurate description -- that's certainly what it feels like to my heart! And unfortunately I know there will never be an answer to the question of why..... Brad, I appreciate your recommendations - I am trying to find a support group but haven't found one yet. Also considering therapy if I can find the right person. I tried therapy at the very beginning and I'm sure it was too soon, but the therapist kept trying to force me to write a letter and say goodbye to my husband and that I couldn't move forward until I did. It was very upsetting to me. That still is not something I want to do - I don't ever want to say goodbye! Anyway I will find some help here. I'm beginning to feel I need it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 Tfer, your post about your therapist trying to force you to write a goodbye letter to your husband reminds me of something I read just this morning on the AfterTalk website. I think you will appreciate what Dr. Neimeyer has to say in response to this counselor's question, and if you've a mind to do so, you might want to share the piece with that therapist! See Does continuing bonds therapy really work? ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 Tfer, I'm glad my therapist never moved in that direction. Most of my initial therapy revolved around finding ways for me to sleep and eat as initially I was lucky to get two to three hours and meals were mostly a couple of breakfast bars a day. To this day, it will be twenty weeks on Wednesday, I do not want to write a letter. I'm not ready to say goodbye and, at least how I feel right now, will never get to that point. Right now my goals are to get up, get to the gym (not so good here), take care of household chores (again not so good), eat balanced meals, take care of my health, visit neighbors when I can talk, check in with the kids, try to find distractors until it is time to go to bed. I try watching t.v. but that doesn't hold my interest. I read but when I finish a book I have a hard time starting a new one, again interest fades. I frequently check in here so I'm good for fifteen to twenty minutes. I've decided not to read anymore Christmas cards; I can't handle comments like "May your Christmas be filled with everything and everyone you love." Sobbed for twenty minutes. We've had quite a bit of snow the last two days so I have been able to get out and shovel; that's been a great distractor plus I don't feel so guilty about the gym. Besides Deedo was always worried I'd have a heart attack and to be honest I'm okay with that. I do hope you do find a therapist/counselor who can help. Mine have been wonderful, although you wouldn't believe it by reading this post but then you should have seen me before. At least now I can initiate with others. I can socialize most days. I can even talk about Deedo with minimal pauses to breathe deeply and slowly while the tears find their way back inside. So it is working. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 15, 2015 Report Share Posted December 15, 2015 I couldn't write a goodbye letter either. could never say goodbye to my husband! See ya later is about as close as I could get. My grief counselor didn't have a clue, but thankfully, most are helpful and way better than him. I'd have gotten another one but in this small one horse town, he was all there was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 15, 2015 Report Share Posted December 15, 2015 The most I did was start a journal about how life is so drastically changed without Steve. It's on my tablet, but I lost the desire to keep it up, at least for now. If I never do go back to it, that is fine too. If my grief counsellor suggested writing a letter of goodbye, she would ONLY do that if I said I was feeling some need for that. I feel a good counselor guides us thru the phases and doesn't try to alter that path unless is gets destructive. I called mine one morning because I had thoughts of suicide that scared me. She knew I was not going to do that, it was the thinking of it that was alien to me. Being assured this was normal is what I needed. Saying goodbye is a closure for some things. I never plan to say goodbye to Steve. He will always be a part of me. And why would I want to say goodbye to the best person that ever came into my life? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted December 15, 2015 Report Share Posted December 15, 2015 I am reminded of a beautiful piece written several years ago by our beloved Darcie Sims: Goodbye to Goodbye ♥ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 16, 2015 Report Share Posted December 16, 2015 Well Marty, I held off crying today until I read Goodbye to Goodbye. I thought I needed to hold Billy during his last moment, I still think I needed to have held him, but I never wanted to tell him goodbye. I still don't. I told him so many times how much I loved him and could not live without him. He would say "I know." He did know. And, I am not living without him, I am existing. That is all I can do. Just act until the final curtain. Damn, I miss that boy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 16, 2015 Report Share Posted December 16, 2015 19 hours ago, Gwenivere said: Saying goodbye is a closure for some things. I never plan to say goodbye to Steve. He will always be a part of me. And why would I want to say goodbye to the best person that ever came into my life? Gwen, I feel exactly the same way.....I will NEVER say goodbye to my Connor! It is too final, too bleak.....if there IS a way, I know he is with me still....we talked about just that long before he left. Promised that whoever left first would do all they could to still "be" there for the other, and try to find a way to let them know.....even came up with a few "code words/phrases" known only to us, in the event we contacted a medium or such, for validation that the "message" was legit. So....will never say "Goodbye"....just...."Love you and miss you...until we are together again" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tfer Posted December 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 16, 2015 Beautiful responses from everyone and thanks for that. Makes me feel better that none of us will every write that letter. I was keeping a journal for a while but stopped. Maybe I'll go back to it - it was really just random thoughts I wanted him to know. Marg M I was just thinking that this morning. this is existing, not living. I guess that's the challenge for all of us, to find a way to live again. Seems impossible right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tfer Posted December 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 16, 2015 Marty T - "Goodbye to Goodbye" is right on target, thanks for sharing that. Goodbye is not necessary. Rich knew how much I loved him and I knew how much he loved me. We said it every day in a thousand different ways. We both knew how good we had it and I have no regrets. And as I sat with him in the car, knowing it was already too late, I could still feel him and my last words to him were "I love you, thank you for our beautiful life." Goodbye is what you say to someone you never want to see again..... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Tfer your story really hits home You have asked question that no one can answer other than there is a reason (even with all we have lost) I believe this. You were meant to be here and your beloved has gone on to a far greater place. Nothing you did was wrong. Nothing you could have done would have changed one moment of the outcome. These are the hardest moments we have to deal with the 'What if's?' My love, having lost the love of my life 4 months ago I understand. That you have got this far and found this forum is wonderful. Love and courage xxwe 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 So good to have you back, Debi! We all miss you when you're gone. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now