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Frustrations at losing best friend


hollowheart

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Something happened today that almost tipped me over the edge over the frustration at losing my sister, go to person and best friend. Basically, I was texting with a friend over hating work and we were joking about wishing we could retire. I mentioned how I hate my job and can't figure out what to do or where to go. I was heading into being a paraprofessional before my sister passed. She worked in a school and I knew I could get a lot of help and guidance from her. This wasn't something I was 100% sure I wanted to do, it was something I felt like I might like and it would be out of reception and out of office work which is what I'm trying to do. Even if I do stay in office work, I'm trying to find something I might like. AWAY from receptionist. I H A T E  it.

But ever since she passed the motivation dried up. Now it's a struggle to try to find another job but also deal with everything else.  I can't focus on it anymore and I feel lost again life and career wise, not to mention I'm still in shock and in grief. And the one person I could go to and talk to and gripe with is not here. My friend was trying to be helpful but she just kept pushing that I go to school (??? School is not always the solution, not to mention I have zero idea what I'd even go to school for).

I just feel like she doesn't  understand how hard it is to be so depleted mentally and emotionally and even physically at times, over something I can't even do anything about, but still trying to figure out other parts of my life that suck and bring me no joy.

I really just needed someone to complain to and complain with , but she wasn't getting it and it was making me miss my sister even more. She GOT it. She liked her job, but she had past jobs she didn't like and she understood having a job where you are just showing up and doing just what you need to do. Some jobs are just like that. You don't want to give any more than you need too.

I have friends who do not think like that, so they always give me this look as if I'm wrong or I'm a bad person because I don't want to give a crap job I hate everything I have. Well, I'm sorry, I don't. Especially now.  So it just bothered me that no one around me gets that and wouldn't just let me b**** and moan about it. It just made me angry and miss my sis even more. I have no one that I can just talk to, who will agree with me, who will see where I'm coming from. Everytime I talk to my friend about this she has to give me this "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" talk.  It just makes me mad. I feel like I'm angry all the time. I have no one I can talk to. I'm just annoyed.

 

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I'm sorry you're feeling so unsupported and misunderstood at this time in your life, HH. It's difficult to figure out where you're going when you're feeling so lost and alone. 

I want to share an article with you that I hope you will find informative and helpful: Transition after Loss: Tips for Navigating The Neutral Zone

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Thank you Marty, as always. I think my frustration is just so deep because the one person I'd go to to discuss this with and who would understand is gone, so it's just this feeling of loss all over again. It's now a combination of being fed up with my job and also dealing with deep loss at the same time. That feels like being in a pit of quicksand.

It was just this morning was so upsetting talking with someone who just didn't seem to get it.

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I read an article years ago that I wish I'd kept, it explained friendships...how we all come into friendships with different backgrounds and thus different expectations...what we want to give and get out of it.  The problem is, others have different expectations for friendships and may be unable or unwilling to give what we need, or appreciate what we give.

Years ago I had a friend that wanted to talk on the phone the second I got home from work.  I worked in an office (reception and bookkeeping) and dealt with people and phones all day, I needed a break when I first got home!  Plus I rode the bus so by the time I got home, I needed the restroom.  Well she'd see me walk in the door (she lived next door) and she'd call.  (This was back in the day before caller i.d. or portable phones.)  She'd talk an hour and I'd be literally dying to get off!  It was hard to get a word in edgewise, and even if I did, she'd still keep talking.  I finally pulled back from her because our needs and what we were willing to give didn't mesh.  This article explained that.  I understood she was home all day with little kids and needed someone to talk to, and I was willing to give that...later, but she just couldn't get that and wait.

Your friend doesn't get it, maybe she's never felt like that about a job or maybe she doesn't respond the way you need her to.  Some people try fixing things instead of realizing we don't want fixed, we want someone to listen.  

I hope you can continue looking for a job you feel better suited for, something that gives you pleasure going to work.  I know all too well how hard it is to go to a job every day that you dread.  Some jobs are toxic, it's like they suck every good thing out of you.  I also hope you'll continue broadening your horizons and can make friends that help fill the void of your sister, some that are suited for you...someone that "gets" you.  I know they're few and far between.  Besides my husband that I lost, I lost my best friend (she moved away) the same time as his death.  Her and I got each other, had the same humor, felt the same way about things, understood each other.  I got another friend I was close to, but she moved 1 1/2 years ago.  I haven't found one since that I was as close to as those two.  It is hard to find, but oh what a precious gem a close friend is!

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Kayc, you definitely understood exactly what I was rambling about in my original post. That is exactly it. Your story about your quick phone friend reminds me of a friend who always had men problems. Cell phones were just getting started, and I would text her (or reply to her text) and she'd immediately call me and scream talk about the latest 'dog' that she was dating or had done her wrong. It was constant with men problems. We lost touch for a few years, ran into each other, started talking again and went through THE SAME THING!  We lost touch again as I pulled away. I couldn't believe years later it was still the same men rants.

My sister was my main social connection, so while I have some friends, I realized that while I love them, there are a lot of needs they didn't meet for me, unlike my sister.

You are right that I just needed her to listen and not get all pushy about going back to school and the bootstrap pulling. This friend is also very religious and usually talks from that prospective, which is not helpful. It takes a lot for her to really complain. Which also annoyed me. I just needed her to agree with me that it's hard to job search while in this state of mind, and that our jobs are crappy. 

I see I'm pulling away from some friends because they make me feel bad for complaining and that's how I feel lately. I'm just angry I'm in this situation at all. I"m tired of feeling this way.

You are right a close friend is a gem! I wish I had one.

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Oh I get you!  My current friend interrupts all the time and acts like I am interrupting and does this huge sigh of great displeasure with me, which is annoying, she does it all the time.  I never get complaints about my communication from anyone else, so I think it's just her, she has this annoying habit of loudly saying in a huff "AS I was saying" so I've gone to letting her do all the talking.  I'm finding the friendship is trying and found wanting because of it.  Yes, a good friend is hard to find!

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Kayc, yeah, I'm sure it is just her. She just wants "all eyez on me" and doesn't want you to say anything, just listen. Doesn't sound like she wants any feedback either, just a warm body with ears. Sheesh.

I know I am a talker, especially with people I'm very comfortable with. I feel like during this grief layers of things are surfacing. Like, before I was just sad and shocked and crying all the time, now I am angry and annoyed all the time, and I'm also very frustrated about friends and talking.

Me and my sis would vent to each other about stupid co-workers, stupid bosses and bad days and it was fun because we got each other and we'd agree with each other and understand how annoying the situation was.

But no, my friends either have to try to fix the problem, or make me feel awkward for complaining.  I think I'm just missing my sister so so much and the companionship we had that can never be replaced.

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Yes, there are a million little things that happen everyday that you want to tell someone. 

A sibling is someone who knows every thought,feeling of yours,without judging you. Yes, that lifelong bond is broken when you lose your brother/sister.

You feel that emptiness every second of the day.

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I have a sister I talk to almost every day.  All of us sisters are close (there's five of us), the one brother has elected not to be close to us or participate, that's too bad.  I guess he feels his wife's family is enough.  At least he was there for my mom when she was alive, that was the important thing.

I'm missing my friend that moved to TX, we could talk about anything.  We still talk on the phone but it's not the same as sitting down enjoying a cappuccino together.

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I felt like I suffered a huge set back this morning. Sunday, Monday and even Tuesday were pretty OK, despite some of the usual thoughts, but they didnt' get me down and I was OK. Then of course I pop on Facebook and there I see a really good friend who I haven't talked to since the funeral posting a happy birthday to her sister and mentioning they are going to try this new restaurant.

It just broke me. That is something I would have done as I loved facebook and me and my sister would go out for each others birthdays too. Knowing I will never get to do that again was just to much, not to mention this friend sorta abandoned me, yet I have happened to see her happy fun posts on FB from time to time, which makes me even more depressed as the reality is stomped in my face of how people move on and forget you.  I cried all the way to work, didn't care who saw on the train. I was trying to sort out these horrible emotions and feelings before I got to work, but I'm still down.

I really just want to die right now so I don't have to deal with this ever again, never again seeing others happiness that I will never, ever again have in life. I'm heartbroken.

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HH,

Maybe change your notification settings so you don't see her posts on your wall...you can still go to her wall and check her posts if you ever want to, but this way they wouldn't be shoved in your face.  I don't think I'd want reminders esp. when she abandoned you.

I'm sorry you got hit with that.  Sometimes the triggers really hurt, they come out of nowhere and explode on us!

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Kayc,

Thanks, that's a good point about changing my settings. I will do that. I need to do it for another friends wall too. about a year ago she suddenly went from horrible life to getting everything she ever wanted in a span of months, including the perfect fiance.

It was bad seeing all that then, but now with my life permanently destroyed I cringe when I scroll past a post from her because I'm expecting to see another about her perfect job and fiance. She loves baking and Disney and got offered a job as a baker at Disney World and they moved to Florida. Yuuup. Exactly. FML

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I don't know what FML is.  But I know we need to protect ourselves for what we can handle.

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Kay, "FML" stands for F**k My Life.

I know that's petty to get so jealous about what someone else is doing. And I know I get to focused on Facebook posts. But sometimes it just gets to me when I want something then there someone is posting about getting exactly that. I feel like why is your life so flipping perfect and mine is falling apart? I don't know. I feel like I could handle anything before losing my sister. That is the single worse thing that has ever happened to me.

I just don't know how people get to a place where they're like "Oh, they're in heaven, and they're fine. I'm at peace with this now." I read all our posts here and we miss our loved ones so much and I hear people on the outside going "Oh, you have to let her go. You have a life to live. You can't stay sad."  It just makes me mad.

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Re. the Facebook posts. Yes, their life might seem perfect now but first of all, its a tendency of people to inflate what's good about their lives when they post. Plus, you never know what is going to hit whoever, when. So, one day, yes someone's life is perfect, but the next day, an unexpected death, disability or illness hits them or their family and its all in disarray for them, too. it can, and does happen to any of us.

I stopped being envious of other people long ago for that reason.

 

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Cathy, you're right. I know I get that way when I'm especially down and then hear good news from someone else. I get to stupid about Facebook, because I used to complain to a friend about it and she would say just what you said. That people exaggerate on their posts, and of course only post the good things so if every post is only what random good thing that happened then it seems like their lives are perfect.

I'm just in a nightmare right now. Sick of it.

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Maybe take a break from FB, after all, we lived without it before!  They say it makes people feel worse.  I only spend about 5 min. a day on FB.

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