Gwenivere Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 I'm trying to figure out what to do about Christmas. Some days I think I can let it pass, but as it approaches I find myself getting more and more depressed. I have no family or friends to be with. Just the 2 dogs. Well, I could visit one person, but I know it will just be a stop gap. All around me swirl the plans of others. I'm not looking for suggestions as I spend so much energy dodging them as it is regarding the grief itself. It's hard this time of year because before I could say, if I just get thru today it may be a little better. Maybe it will go back to that after the holidays, I hope so. But this is a biggie as the eve was the really special time. I get out every day to not be home bound in sadness, but everything will be closed on Christmas Day. Except Walgreens. I now really wish it hadn't been a special time. I've come to hate the daytime because I watch the world going on. I prefer the nights when I can hold up in my own little world away from all that. Its 'acceptable' to be inside and not interactive. This is my 2nd without him. Last year was shock and I felt energy that comes with that for protection. Not so this time. I have some wine I plan to enjoy before bed. I wish I could have a good stiff drink of my former buddy Jack Daniels, but am on too many meds to take that risk. We'd be settled in for a movie with lots of candles, tracking Santa on NORAD and sharing that wine in our special crystal goblets. The little things are haunting me big time time. I wish I could treat it as just another day, but you can't undo years of personal tradition. People ask if I have plans and I simply say....nope. It's really a silly question they don't understand that asking is not going to have a nice answer and how it reminds me of the loneliness coming. I know I am not saying anything many face of feel. Just had to get it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 1 hour ago, Gwenivere said: The little things are haunting me big time time. I wish I could treat it as just another day, but you can't undo years of personal tradition. People ask if I have plans and I simply say....nope. It's really a silly question they don't understand that asking is not going to have a nice answer and how it reminds me of the loneliness coming. Gwenivere - It's the little things that I've come to dread. Big things I caan anticipate, plan for; the little things pop up out of nowhere reminding me poignantly how lonely, how empty, how shattered I am. As far as others go I really wish people weren't so determined to see me okay; that isn't me now nor will it be me for a very long time. It won't happen until I can drive down the road not crying when a memory pops up, or a song plays. That won't happen until I can sleep unmedicated and have dreams that don't leave me exhausted. That won't happen until I can look at the past with nothing but smiles and look at the future and see some hope. That won't happen until I can field questions like: What are your plans? How are you doing? What do you do with yourself? without wanting to either berate the questioner or run home, draw the blinds and lock myself up. Christmas Day I think I'll drop down below the snow level and go for a very long hike. That is one advantage to living in Arizona; there is always someplace where one can hike regardless of the time of year. Late Spring, Summer and Autumn there are the mountains, the rest of the time there's the desert. This just might become my new tradition. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Brad, do you ever read Edward Abbey? I have read "Desert Solitaire" so many times and Billy and I got to visit some of the places he mentions. I collected all of his books and he made us want to hike all over Arizona. I will never hike in the Cabeza Priata, and I am sure I spelled that wrong, but I did follow Abbey through it. Good hiking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 11 hours ago, Brad said: As far as others go I really wish people weren't so determined to see me okay; that isn't me now nor will it be me for a very long time. It won't happen until I can drive down the road not crying when a memory pops up, or a song plays. That won't happen until I can sleep unmedicated and have dreams that don't leave me exhausted. That won't happen until I can look at the past with nothing but smiles and look at the future and see some hope. That won't happen until I can field questions like: What are your plans? How are you doing? What do you do with yourself? without wanting to either berate the questioner or run home, draw the blinds and lock myself up. This is what is so hard for me. People just waiting for me to be OK, and it's like I feel that 'tick, tick, tick..' of their own clock on when I will officially be back to normal, which will never happen. Grief attacks happen out of nowhere. I fell asleep last night, woke up and my first thought was of my last conversation of her, her sitting at her dining room table saying 'thanks' to me for something. That was a very sad and disturbing thing for me to just have pop up. We have our stupid work holiday party today that I'm no where near into going, and I was talking to a co-worker and telling her how I"m not really looking forward to staying for the whole thing and she said 'think happy thoughts.' I really like her, but when she said that it made me realize that is sorta the consensus of how those on the outside see grievers. That we should make ourselves happy, think happy thoughts, just go to the party and make ourselves dance and be happy and--bingo--losing our loved ones will be a thing of the past and we'll be A-OK again! And I am feeling when we are not able or willing to do that we are just trying to stay sad or just being uncooperative. Thinking happy thoughts is not going to bring my sister back or make me stop missing her or put me in a party mood. Forced fun and forced socialization is awful during this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Hollowheart, As if positive thinking alone would whisk away your grief! It shows how little they know about it. You are early on in your grief journey, you have every right to decline the office party. They should understand, but if not, oh well! It's just wrong for people to put that on you. Gwenivere, I haven't heard from my daughter so don't know if she's coming for Christmas or not, makes it hard to plan, but my son hasn't been here for a year and won't be here at Christmas. I signed up to have (potluck) dinner with other old people that are alone at Christmas (held at the town's museum). It will be the first time I've been in that building since I worked there at my favorite job, before it was a museum. It's going to be hard to see the changes, I hope I can handle it. A neighbor will be going with me. Weird to now be in the old and forgotten class, but that's how it feels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Kay, I'm glad that you do have a neighbor to go with you. To bad you two couldn't just do something together. It just takes two to tango. It's just so awkward when you have to leave behind holiday traditions and pretty much adopt someone else's. It's how I felt when my cousin took me out one saturday, and I had to adapt to how they spent the day, not how I would spend it with my sister. That's very hard to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Okay, I totally gripe and complain too much. We had our RVing years and were about to embark on another destination, new RV, but I am not sure Billy thought we were going together. I think he thought my health problems were going to lead to my demise. Could still happen as the doc's said I was "unfixable." So I live and adapt with what cannot be fixed. I can still do everything for myself with no assistance, and as Billy said "the one left must live." So I will. Only one person in this life gets tired of the constant glum, and she is a "needy" person for her own mental problems, and actually does not understand why she does not have everyone's attention. Not a relative. I am so fortunate to have friends and relatives who all understand empathy and do not shun me or push me. In fact, I have to insist I can choose and do things on my own. But I have their protection without asking. Billy was (to me, his kids, his grandkids, his relatives and his friends) a wonderful, unreplaceable part of our life. I was lucky to have him 54 years. Life will never be the same, or anywhere near as happy, but I am still a blessed person. But damn I miss that boy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 1 hour ago, hollowheart said: As far as others go I really wish people weren't so determined to see me okay; that isn't me now nor will it be me for a very long time. I think this was Brad's quote......I totally "get" this. I'm already (at 8 weeks!) getting very weary of people trying to "fix" me. I'm broken, yes...but nothing they can do (short of performing a miracle and resurrecting my Connor) is going to make me the person I was before I lost him! She is as dead as he is. Sometimes, I feel as if they want me to be "okay" just so they no longer have to deal with my grief and sadness.....they don't wish to "have" to worry about me. One told me "Grieve, but don't wallow in it." I am NOT wallowing, I am drowning....do they think we LIKE to feel like this, that it is a CHOICE? Most of my life, I've been admired for being a strong person.....gone through much pain, losses, and managed to still make a good life. But this year, I lost my brother, my Mom, and, the worst....my beloved husband. Add to that having to have surgery (last week), loss of half my income, and my car totally shot (and no $ to replace), and 4 months off work due to the condition I just had surgery for.....and people think I can bounce back, yet again? I cannot be strong this time....and yet, "they" want me to be "me" again.......ain't happening.....I think, no, I KNOW....I am allowed to NOT be okay.....for however long it takes me! Ok.....off of my rantbox! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 WolfsKat- You have had so very much to deal with you do need to take the time to not be okay. You have lost so much and then dealing with surgical issues which are depleting by themselves. You RANT and HOWL at the moon to your hearts content. Down the road, way down the road you will find that strong person again, only she will be a different strong person; one who has learned to do more than exist without your darling Connor. You will never be the person you were before you lost him, you will be strong but you will be different. That's the lasting impact of having what you had. At least I hope you and I will be strong again someday. But for now you and the foreseeable future you are allowed to NOT be okay. I'm learning slowly who I need to avoid and who I can talk to. The fixers I avoid. If I can't avoid them then I am becoming brutally honest with them to try to help them understand. Hang in there girl, you've just started on a long a dreary path. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 WolfsKat, I have a pushy friend who keeps asking me about what I plan on doing with my life. I am still trying to figure it out. She goes 'you have to cry walking' I guess basically meaning I have to keep going. Well, I know that. Like you said, don't these people think we WANT to be able to be the way we were before? I just about fell out when you said nothing short of resurrecting your loved one would help. That is so true I wanted to give you a high five for it. I can tell people are assuming I should be done being sad now, and they just dont' want to be around my grief. Sometimes I say "screw them' and other times it gives me anxiety at knowing people are just tired of me being sad. I basically have one thought process now. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 4 hours ago, Brad said: I'm learning slowly who I need to avoid and who I can talk to. The fixers I avoid. If I can't avoid them then I am becoming brutally honest with them to try to help them understand. I think it gets to that point. My patience level is about nil now. Fielding off fixers is more than annoying now. I don't try to make them understand anymore as that won't happen. But I am letting them know they are mot helpful and to leave me alone. Keep their opinions to themselves. I'll ask if I need something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 6 hours ago, hollowheart said: That we should make ourselves happy, think happy thoughts, Well, damn! Is that what I have been doing wrong? I forgot my 'happy' pills and to think happy thoughts? How stupid of me! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 you can't undo years of personal tradition. Your beautiful words, that resonate over and over. We each of us had that and now each of us don't. We will now somehow have to make new ones. I have no idea how, just yet xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Lets set Sail with Captain Morgan, and never leave dry land...........Goes with the Egg Nog......Have a good evening, 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Aha My Hearties! Captn Morgan Methinks? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 4 hours ago, debi.williams said: Aha My Hearties! Captn Morgan Methinks? xxx He helps, a little.....but have to be careful or he makes us even sadder if we hang out with him too much! I can't at all right now as I'm taking oxycodone (post-op meds)....but have to say, good thing I have a limited amount of those....they actually help me feel a bit good mentally as well as helping w/pain. I can understand how some can get addicted....that won't be me....but too bad there isn't a "magic pill" we could have to help with the anguish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 I have been fluctuating between silence and sound. Silence is really bad especially with rain late at night making the loneliness worse. I try the TV and don't run anything I recorded because I want to sit and watch that while I putter around, so live TV is all holiday commercials and music. Anguish...suck a perfect word, WolfsKat. Last night was a sobfest because I feel like I have already died and am just stuck in this body with no escape right now. Sleep coming but...that means waking up and doing this all over again, Most wonderful time of the year? Not anymore. True sadness about that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 Well I'm on my pre Christmas trains, planes, and automobile trip . Waiting patiently for a flight update, small amount of snow but zero visibility, they got radar. Apparently Gwens westcoast weather turns to snow when it gets cold, go figure.......Looking forward to next three days of excess, visiting, and watching sports . It will be an Oscar worthy performance, then back home. Here is a Kodak moment, here I am in a cut rate Airport Layover Motel and with my TV and LapTop, I feel the same as if I was at home. Says my homelife has some room for "something"........need some more motel coffee , you guys/gals have a good day..... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 Kevin, do you remember a book or movie about a "man without a country?" Well, I understand the concept. I am "home" in Louisiana, only the only time I ever felt at home was when Billy was with me. It did not matter where we were, "he" was my home. So, just like some drama played upon some foreign stage, we will continue our Oscar winning performances day after day until they bring the final curtain down. I hope we can even believe a little bit of our acting, if just for a moment. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 The house is decorated, holiday movies recorded, dog and cats laying around, fire going, snow outside, more predicted, Christmas performance is Sunday...all would be perfect except I am alone. No one has seen my decorations but me and my pets. But last night Arlie was laying on the couch looking at the lights on the tree and just smiling and smiling...I left them on a little longer so he could enjoy them. When I finally turned them out, he climbed down and went to bed. Dogs are precious! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 11 minutes ago, Marg M said: Kevin, do you remember a book or movie about a "man without a country?" Well, I understand the concept. I am "home" in Louisiana, only the only time I ever felt at home was when Billy was with me. It did not matter where we were, "he" was my home. So, just like some drama played upon some foreign stage, we will continue our Oscar winning performances day after day until they bring the final curtain down. I hope we can even believe a little bit of our acting, if just for a moment. I get that idea. I'm in Florida....here as Connor could not tolerate a cold climate due to COPD. All of my family is back home in Michigan....my kids, grandgirls, sister....everyone. I feel rootless.....don't feel "at home" here now since he is gone....and I've no home up there. I hope and pray I can find some way to be able to move back, but with finances being as they are (horrible) I'm stymied. I have a full time job here, and they will not let me transfer (Walmart) to a position up there unless I give up my FT status, benefits...and start from scratch.. Does not matter that I've worked hard for them for over a decade...they are eliminating full time positions chainwide. I can't move back with no way to support myself. So I am in a hellish limbo. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 WolfsKat, It's horrible how WM is with their employees. I realize it may vary a bit from one to another as different management/employees are different, but company policies are the same. I have a GF that "retired" from WM earlier than she'd planned because she couldn't take their BS any more. They do try to cause their employees to lose what they've earned and worked so hard for. Maybe you could try applying to other stores where you want to locate to. I know it's tough from afar, but it wouldn't hurt to try...and it only takes one to take the bite. My heart goes out to you in this situation. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 34 minutes ago, kayc said: The house is decorated, holiday movies recorded, dog and cats laying around, fire going, snow outside, more predicted, Christmas performance is Sunday...all would be perfect except I am alone. No one has seen my decorations but me and my pets. But last night Arlie was laying on the couch looking at the lights on the tree and just smiling and smiling...I left them on a little longer so he could enjoy them. When I finally turned them out, he climbed down and went to bed. Dogs are precious! I always liked when my cats seemed to know when it was time to turn in too, hahaha. I haven't done anything too Christmas-y. obviously not in the mood, but this WOULD have been a perfect one. There's no snow yet, weather has been good for this late in the year so would have been great for extra shopping and running around, so many great sales, Star Wars came out on my birthday weekend, my birthday fell on a Saturday, I would have had some days off for the holiday. I mean, things were on track for happy and then.... So it's a suck filled life for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 I'm sorry, HollowHeart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 WolfsKat, I was avalanched with good meaning suggestions and advice over the last 5 months. A couple of rules or statements that stand out 1/Geography is not and never will bring happiness. or return you to Normal.......2/ Don't quit your job unless you have a better one to go to( more money and better benefits, no exceptions)...3/ appreciate what you have (Florida is right up there in most people's idea of a great place) 4/ and probably the best advice I got, and its from this board, don't do anything in haste, wait at least one full year........I found, because of my age, once you are in your 60's, the magic 65 does also give you some freedom........all the best 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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