debi.williams Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 I am so sorry I haven't been here. I have never been so tired. I feel drained, to be honest. Every day there is another pressure - mostly financial - and I look at the stars and say 'come on baba enough is enough' normally I get an answer. Yesterday I wrote this..... I was walking home from work a little earlier and it occurred to me that this is what it is like to be human.To keep walking even though you know he won't be there when you arrive. To sit on a tram and refrain from saying to a total stranger 'I lost my love. Can't you tell?' To hold a complete inner dialogue with yourself along the lines of 'Where are you now EXACTLY? What does it look like? How will I pay all the bills? What am I going to do about your taxi? You left us in a right mess. I love you I love you, I love you. Come back now enough is enough' 'How will I get our son through University? How can I mend his broken heart? ' Then I find myself answering 'I think you are somewhere higher. I reckon it's very beautiful. You'll find a way. Someone will buy it maybe. I know it's not your fault. You know that. I can't'. You will somehow, you will. You can't do anything but be there, you're his mum' To be alone with no one to share your inner gremlins with. To feel so lost that even a Sherpa with a good compass couldn't help you. It isn't about the laughter and the good times.That's easy. Anyone can do that. It is this that makes us so very human. The need, the loneliness, the grief, the tears. The aching for the touch of only one person. Knowing that you could recognise his smell blindfolded. That in a world of 7 billion people somehow your inner GPS would find him, but to do that he has to be here, which he isn't and so it goes. To be human though is also to have had all of that to yearn and be broken for. To have experienced such amazing love that for a moment, back then, you felt almost invincible.To also receive the support from total strangers, for example, who reach out from their own grief to help. To know that your very soul has been touched by just one person. I think that is what it is like to be human. xxxxx This is what I grapple withe every day. As you all do. This is what it is to be human. I love you all xxx 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Amen, sister. This was beautifully said, oh-so-true, and I recognize myself in this post. Thank you, Debi. Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted December 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Oh Marsha. this is hell isn't it ? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Yup, hell on earth. Count me in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted December 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Oh Gwenivere! Lovely to be back. It is simply the worst time. I don't know how to frame it any better xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 With all these thoughts and questions swirling around in our brains 24/7, it is no wonder we are half crazy. There are no easy answers because the one person who would help us solve these dilemmas is not here. I understand about thinking of telling the stranger on the tram that you have lost your love. Sometimes I feel that grief is oozing from my pores. Why can't others see it? But they don't. Even though we may seem a bit sad looking on the outside, no one can see the enormous sadness we carry inside. Because we are human, our brains tell us we must go on. Because we are human, our hearts just don't comply as quickly. Because we are human, we will make it through this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Yes, hell on Earth. I speak to him/to me all the time in my head, I think I do it even when I speak to other people. Every night I say: please come back. Knowing it cannot be, but I need to say it. Is this denial? Complicated grief? I believe it is my heart being so broken that I wish what is absolutely impossible. When Holiday wishes are in the form of: I wish your dreams come true, I must pick up between wanting to join him or wanting him to be here. Of course I cannot confess any of it, but I know you all understand. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted December 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Wonderful words Karen. xx Because we are human, our hearts just don't comply as quickly. Because we are human, we will make it through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted December 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 I think - only my opinion - is the 'come back' is 'magical thinking' I mean the brain's way of preparing the heart. It IS UNTHINKABLE to be without them so we 'kid' ourselves a little every day. I don't believe we will ever live fully believing we will never see them again. Maybe because we will. Someday xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 Hello Marsha, haven't seen you here in a while. I'm really tired. Tired of shoveling snow. Tired of getting firewood. Tired of trying to figure out how to pay all the bills. Going through life alone all the time. Tired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 Dear kayc, it is understandable. I wish I could say the right thing, but I don't know what to say to offer support. Probably, I'd say one day at a time, and soon this day will be over too. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 Dearest Debi- So good to see you back and as always your words so encapsulate so many of the thoughts that continue to pinball around my mind. So many times I've wanted to validate my romance with Deedo with anyone who will listen. Thank you all for being compassionate ears. What does bother me are those who knew Deedo and know me and choose to ingore what we went through. There are those who will greet me like long lost friends but never acknowledge Deedo; not an I was sorry to hear... I loved the analogy with the Sherpa. Being lost is one of my biggest issues. Without that ONE; that person who could always bring a smile; that person who loved me unconditionally and whom I could love unconditionally; that person who completed me and whom I completed; that person who rescued me when I was lost and whom I rescued when she was lost; that ONE, I am helplessly, hopelessly lost. I am glad you are over the flu. Welcome back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 4 hours ago, scba said: Every night I say: please come back. Knowing it cannot be, but I need to say it. Is this denial? Complicated grief? I believe it is my heart being so broken that I wish what is absolutely impossible. When Holiday wishes are in the form of: I wish your dreams come true, I must pick up between wanting to join him or wanting him to be here. I think you are right. That this is too much for our minds to comprehend. It can be called anything. All I know is that I am so lost and broken by this that the choice is the same for me. I'll be going along (for very short periods) feeling like....hey, I am not so bad. A nanosecond later I am back to wanting to die rather then spend another night alone and wake up the same way. Denial? Definitely not. It's too frigging real to be denied. Complicated? Yes. I've never in my life lived not being able to count on how I feel when it keeps whipping me around like an emotional tornado. Not looking forward to anything is no way to live. Yet somehow we keep going and hopefully will continue to do so. I think about getting a terminal diagnosis and say great! Punch my ticket and let me out of here. Be it to nothingness or to Steve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 Welcome back as well.......you wrote what I feel, what many of us feel also. No quaint, nice way to put it, we are all in a hell....great love now means great pain for us. I'm amazed, every day, that I am still here.....I keep expecting (hoping?) that my heart will TRULY break and I can be with my Connor again. All we can do is plod on and hope for some respite from agony....while pretending we are "fine" to people who can't/won't understand the horrible depth of our loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 (edited) The Brain is remarkable, and we only understand a portion of it, and utilize even less......Some time back I started a Dream Journal, then it morphed to a day journal.......But I have dreams/catnaps/ that include my Angela regularly.....I know it's not a presence or anything too mysterious and there must be an explanation. There is and it could related to our screwed up sleep patterns(which is common for us "Grievers"...... "Waking dream" redirects here. It is not to be confused with daydreaming. Hypnagogia Classification and external resources Specialty Sleep medicine Patient UK Hypnagogia Hypnagogia is the experience of the transitional state from wakefulness to sleep: the hypnagogic state of consciousness, during the onset of sleep. In opposition, hypnopompia denotes the onset of wakefulness. The related words from the Greek are agōgos "leading", "inducing", pompe "act of sending", and hypnos "sleep". Mental phenomena that occur during this "threshold consciousness" phase include lucid thought, lucid dreaming, hallucinations, and sleep paralysis Edited December 18, 2015 by kevin duplication Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 16 minutes ago, Brad said: So many times I've wanted to validate my romance with Deedo with anyone who will listen. Thank you all for being compassionate ears. Brad....I've followed your postings. I must say, you've "painted" a wonderful verbal portrait of your very beloved Deedo! I can sense her personality, her joy, she truly sounds like a amazing woman that I am sure I would have very much liked, had I met her! The deep, abiding love you shared is apparent....I believe you were as much a gift to her as she was to you....you have a beautiful love story....warms my heart. Wishing for you blessings and peace.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 Have missed you Debi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now