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Still denying the loss?


virgo_gal

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Cathy, I get exactly what you mean by having an anchor. That was what my sister was for me. I just miss talking to her, the feedback, the company. I looked at a couple of movies and it was so drab and boring. No one to enjoy them with, to care to discuss plot and characters the way we did and really enjoyed the movie. I just feel lost. I have no one to tell me what to do or give me advice. She was that all the time for me. She really helped me and took care of me in that respect, and stood up for me. I miss someone wanting to protect me that way. 

It's a scary feeling to be out there alone now. No one to talk or complain to or with. I'm tired of being alone. I see why people go crazy when they are constantly alone. I may have people around me but I'm still alone. 

Virgo, I feel like you about work. I was sick too and had a lot of work so it was awful to know I needed to work but could do nothing. I had no concentration of energy. My Christmas was terrible. Even my pie didn't come out the way I wanted. I still can't go in my sisters apartment for more than a few minutes and my Ma mentioned cleaning out the refrigerator. I hate going in there to do anything. 

I have telling me what to do in 2016. The new year will feel worse not better. I am not starting the year without her. She didn't make it. I hate it. I am still not thinking about me yet. In bits and pieces, yes because I want a new job and told her all the time I didn't want to stay in this position forever so I don't want to do that but the effort to move on is weighted down by so much now. I don't feel confident or happy.  There is NO ONE that understands my grumbles the way she did. Even if I got mad at her about her reply sometimes she was willing to sit and discuss life and all that. She got it. Ugh. Why can't I go back instead of forward?

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 12/23/2015 at 10:24 AM, MartyT said:

Dear ones, I just listened to this interview with Judy Lipson via Open to Hope about "Siblings: The Forgotten Mourners" and I urge you to take 15 minutes to listen, too. Judy has lost two sisters to death and describes her own grief journey here. Included is a beautiful song about sisters that will touch your heart: "We Will Never Be Apart."

Judy Lipson: Death of a Sibling

I lost my sister 3 years ago very suddenly from a heart attack.  It was 4th of July and I  was invited to go to to her house for a picnic but begged off because I had to work early the next day and needed to get some things done.  Of course she understood but I still can't forgive myself for not being with her when she collapsed.  We were best friends forever and my heart is broken that we didn't get to grow old together.  I too felt like the forgotten mourner as she did have adult children (no husband).  I still have times when I want to pick up the phone and call her.  I am grateful that she didn't suffer and no long lingering death.  I gave the eulogy at her funeral because I just felt the need for people to know how much we meant to each other.  I have continued with one of her favorite fund raisers in her honor.  I have continued to stay close to her two sons who do give me some outlet to discuss our loss. I just feel like something is just unfinished. How do I get closure?

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I'm sorry, I wish I could give you some advice, but I don't know how to find the closure you're looking for but a good place to start would be with a grief counselor and let them know what you are needing help with.

I know that any year now I'm going to start losing my sisters, three of them are quite a bit older than me, and it scares me because we're so close and have always been there for each other, all our lives.  I came very close to losing two of them at the same time about three years ago and it was very scary.  Believe me when I tell you how sorry I am that you are missing your sister.

I think all of us wish we could do something different when we lose someone close to us.  When my husband died, I wish more than anything I could have been with him that last weekend and been there for him as he passed.  We were always there for each other and I feel like I let him down by not being there for him in his most trying weekend of his life.  I was gone on a sisters reunion that weekend and he had a heart attack and went into the hospital but wouldn't let them notify me because he didn't want to ruin my weekend.  I made it back to the hospital before he died but we didn't get that "last talk" because there were so many people around and then they moved him and I had to wait to go in there, and when I at last could, he was asleep, then woke up having a heart attack.  They shoved me out the door and locked it.  I hope he was aware this was against my will, it breaks my heart still and it's been 10 1/2 years.  But the truth is, we live with the knowledge we have at the time and we don't have the benefit of hindsight while we're in it.  You and I did nothing wrong, it was just bad timing.  I hope you will learn to forgive yourself, this wasn't intentional, if you'd had any idea, you'd have been there.  I'm sure she wouldn't hold it against you.

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I know the only thing that I learned from my sister's sudden death was that it was vitally important to leave my job when my husband became very ill to be with him and take care of him until he passed away.  I was able to have a closer relationship with him for his last 16 months and to hold him on his last breath.  I truly believe the loss of my sister drove me to the difficult decision of leaving my position and give my husband the undivided attention he deserved. I guess you could say there is a silver lining in every grey cloud except now my grey cloud is even darker.

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Kay, thank you for sharing what you did. It helped me when you said we don't get the benefit of hindsight while we are in it. For a minute that helped me feel less guilty. I think I feel like no one has a situation like mine and can't relate. Most people had no time, but we had 2 days to decide to get her to a hospital and we kept hemming and hawing wondering what to do, discussing it, who does that??? No one! 

Amiss, many times I declined something with my sis because of work the next day or whatever. It is exactly that: bad timing. It makes me wonder why timing and fate happens the way it does. It's not fair or right and you feel you never get answers. 

I feel things are unfinished too. You may feel that way because it was sudden and there was no last anything. If your nephews are willing to talk let them help give you closure because they were the next closest people to your sister. Maybe bonding with them can help you recall certain things and things you may not know and help you not feel lost and unfinished. 

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One thing I've noticed is, whether we get closure or not or last discussions or not, we still have to adjust.  40 years ago I had a fiance break up with me and he never told me why.  I didn't get the benefit of closure, and it made it very very hard to deal with, accept, and move on from.  It may have made it harder but it didn't change the fact that I had to accept it and adjust to it.  That has come back to me many times in life when I haven't had the benefit of a nice neat closure the way I would have preferred it.  It was a lesson to me that whether we understand something or not or like it or agree with it, we still have to accept it and adjust.  It's painful work, but we get through it.

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