Disappointing Christmas Eve

[Gin]

I had my daughter, son-in-law and 3 grandkids over tonight.  We always had Christmas Eve.  They are step children/ grandchildren to my late husband.  He was so good to them all for the last 16 years.  He always made things for the kids and we took them so many places.  Tonight, no one mentioned him except me.  I felt so bad.  It was like no one cared or missed him.   After they all left, I cried for an hour.  It has only been  less than 3 months, but how could they forget him already?

Gin

[scba]

Dear Gin, I'm sorry for your loss. Perhaps they feared to upset you, and themselves, if they mentioned your husband. Maybe they don't know how to behave in front of you. Today I didn't call my in-laws. I was very sad. They could think that I moved on, that I don't miss their son. They asked me and I told them that I was sad and unable to make phone calls. My point is that when we grieve we can misunderstand each other. I hope you can talk to them about your feelings.

 

[Gin]

You are probably right.  I don't think they are comfortable when I start to cry.  I am thankful they came over.

 

[sharirouse]

I too think that they are just not wanting to upset you on a holiday. They have to know how difficult it is. Holidays are like big billboards reminding you that someone died so I dont think they could forget. I think you should try to talk to them about it at some point. If you think it will help of course. Although I dont like that people are so weird when you are grieving. Avoiding it doesnt help, its not like you dont remember!

[Guest]

I've learned that grief makes people very uncomfortable. They don't know how to respond and avoid talking about for fear of making things worse. 

Prior to losing Deedo I was the worst at dealing with others' grief. I would physically avoid people who'd lost loved ones for fear of doing or saying something stupid. I so wish I could take those moments back and turn them into something meaningful.

Gin- nobody has forgotten him they just don't know how to respond. We need to teach them. 

[kayc]

I agree, I think they didn't know what to say and didn't want to remind you...as if you can ever forget for even one moment!  I'm glad you had family over, I'm home alone and my kids haven't called.  Just a day like any other.

I like what Brad said...they don't know how to respond, we need to teach them.

[Gin]

Thanks all.  I know I was so very sensitive tonight.  This was always OUR holiday and his absence was so obvious.  He used to enjoy so much talking to everyone.  I guess I felt guilty laughing with the kids.  Everyone seemed in such a good mood- except me.

[kayc]

I think when we're in early grief, we ARE sensitive, I know I was!

[Gwenivere]

Christmas Eve was our special night too.  I am sharing it with our dogs as we have no family in state.  I hope you feel better now and believe what everyone has said us true.  We are sensitive and grief is something that makes many people uncomfortable.  That you had send laughter is a good thing.  It's a rare gift during these times.

[kayc]

Yes and I hope you can laugh once in a while without feeling guilty for it.  Our bodies are most amazing, the fact that they try to continue in the face of adversity is one of the unique traits we possess!

[kevin]

Gin, my wife has been gone 5 months today, last week I visited my four kids and Angela's name was only brought up once in awhile(Step Mother) . It was not out of disrespect of Angela only fear I would put a wet blanket over everything if the conversation went to Angela........Everyone loves the best of the Past, and it sounds like your husband gave them a lot of good years........think good thoughts

[Gwenivere]

Found this while perusing a news sight this morning. 

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/erin-coriell/to-anyone-grieving-this-holiday-season_b_8867190.html

[Guest]

Thank you Gwenivere. A message I needed to hear on a very challenging day. 

[kevin]

Gwen.......that was a very well written and thought provoking  article. I re posted and shared  on my FB timeline. Brought tears to my eyes , last two lines......thanks kd

[hollowheart]

I hope everyones Christmas had at least one bright spot. I just had to vent in this Christmas thread because mine was utterly awful. I already wasn't looking forward to Christmas to begin with, going into it sick, grieving and lonely. I only got sicker, with some sort continuous nauseous feeling all day. On top of that I have a bad cough that is so bad that it makes me want to throw up, so the nauseous feeling was even worse with the cough. I didn't want to do anything because I was feeling sick.

On top of all that, I went out yesterday for some last minute shopping for my Ma because she wanted Christmas so bad and I wasn't even thinking about gifts or Christmas or nothing and wanted something for her. I bought her a DVD box set---that she had already bought herself a while ago. Didn't know until she opened it of course. I bought her a DVD player she had been wanting and it was broken out the box. Hooked it up and took me a while to get a picture to show and it kept flipping over and over again. I know it was not the TV, it was the DVD player. Piece of junk. Everything just turned into the last straw and finally just had to cry. I didn't have my sister to vent to. I don't have her at all anymore. I want to erase this year off the map. I think if I had a gun I would have used it. Now I have to go back to Target to return all this crap. I just felt like God hated me.

Never in my ENTIRE life have  I had a Christmas this terrible. Even when I was unemployed during the holidays they still turned out wonderful. Ugh. 

[Chel]

No one mentioned my Dad on Thanksgiving. It was his favorite holiday. We didn't even have pumpkin pie this year, his favorite. Now that mom is remarried, I wonder if she thinks about him much anymore. She forgot the pumpkin pie, so maybe not.  

At Christmas, my aunt (dad's sister) came over and brought pumpkin pie. She specifically said it was in Dad's memory. I hugged my aunt for that.

I miss my Dad dearly, and I feel like nobody gives him a second thought anymore...

I guess my point here is that I can understand how you feel when nobody mentions the person who is missing. It's sad. And it does hurt. 

[kayc]

Hollow Heart, you tried to make the day special for your mom, in SPITE of feeling so awful, and no matter how the presents turned out, she should have been very touched by and appreciative of your efforts.  You didn't fail at all.  I'm sorry you had such a horrible Christmas.  The truth is, when we first lose the person most important to us in the world, we aren't going to feel like celebrating anything.  I wish you could have just stayed in your room with something soothing to drink and the covers over your head.  I hope today you comfort yourself.

 

Chel, I'm sorry noone mentioned your dad, but at least your aunt was thinking about him.  Probably everyone does in their own way but fears bringing him up and doesn't know how to handle it.  When we lose someone we love, we don't automatically know how to deal with it and many make mistakes because of it...esp. if they don't get grief counseling and it's their first experience with death...even more so if it wasn't someone they were that close to.  After my dad died, I brought him up to my mom, many times over the years.  One day my mom told me how much that meant to her because I was the only one doing so.  The others did think about him and maybe talked about him amongst themselves, but were afraid of bringing him up around her for fear of stirring something up...but truth be known, there wasn't a day go by she didn't think of him.  23 years later my own husband died, and I know now how my mom felt all those years.