If Dreams Could Come True

[Gwenivere]

I've been reading how some of us are dreaming of our lost loves.  How we keep hoping that this is a bad dream and they will reappear so we can get on with our lives.  I've had many dreams, both good and bad.  Sometimes he is there somewhere and I can't find him.  Others I see him but can't reach him.  He is swept away in a crowd.  We are doing something together like normal like this never happened.  Depending on the dream it can color my whole day.  Now when I am awake I fall into dreamlike thinking especially when I am out hoping when I come home he will be here and I am like the others around me.  Someone at home to be with.  It's so hard to only have him that way.  Knowing everyone else us going home to their partners.  I climb into my car knowing I head to an empty home.  Every single day.  Waking to that every single morning.  

I have a friend who tells me he is reaching out to me.  Another that says this is just a normal reaction and not to let it influence my whole day.  I don't know what make of dreams beyond they are unpredictable.  I am not sure I want them because he may be too far away.  I have yet to have one we are together that we touch, hug or kiss.  I'm not sure I could handle that.  I never thought I would feel this way, but to have to lose him again upon waking from that might be too much.  

I was watching a movie where a widow told another it was 4 years ago and it was yesterday.  That tells me memories and dreams will never be enough no matter how much time passes.

 

[hollowheart]

Your dreams are interesting. I don't know if mine are different because it wasn't a romantic love, but most of my dreams are really memories of things me and my sister did in the past. It makes me rage in my dream and I dream of smashing and breaking things because I know we will never do those things together again. Other dreams that come and go are ones where she is in the hospital getting better, what I wished had happened. 

I wake up every day and second I open my eyes I want to shut them again. My reality hits me like a brick wall and I instantly feel that sadness. It really is a physical sadness. I wake right up thinking about she is gone and I have to go out there and face the world alone. 

I think I go into dream thought when I'm awake too. I don't know. When I'm somewhere we used to be together I have these dreamy like thoughts that she's in the next aisle like she used to be. It's very upsetting. 

[kevin]

There is that dreamlike area between sound sleep and awakening time......but it sure is confusing because I wake up in the "caregiver mode" and for a brief moment ,I sense or see her presence.......At first I was questioning my sanity, now it is acceptable...

[Guest]

Up until my doctor started me on mirtazapine I was suffering from anticipatory insomnia. For most of Deedo's treatment I would wake up at two a. m. to give her her oxycodone before the pain would start up after her last dose. For the first three months after her death I would wake up every morning a two thinking about dosing her before the pain would start anew. Once awake I'd be awake for the duration. Lorazepam did not help. Now thanks to mirtazapine I can sleep better. Still wake up frequently but generally can drift back off. My dreams of Deedo are mostly pre- cancer dreams; ones I can embrace. 

[WolfsKat]

Gwen, I have the opposite "problem".  I WISH I could have dreams of Connor.....so far, not a one.  I know this might sound a bit wacky, but after other losses, those who passed have appeared to me in dreams and I found it very comforting. Especially one I had of my father....in the dream, I walked into my parent's living room, and there he sat in his usual chair.  I was overjoyed to see him...he looked just like his old self, and he had his beloved little dog on his lap, petting him. In the dream I said "Dad! Oh I'm so happy to see you.....but, do you know you are dead?"  He looked at me & nodded, with a look on his face like "Duh!"....and said, yes, I know....take care of your mother"  That was it. The next morning, I shared this dream with my sister, and she told me that my dad's dog had died the night before. But, I found solace in this dream. I expected to dream of Connor, and so far, nothing.....maybe at ten weeks, it is too soon. Or maybe my mind is too jumbled, or the grief still too raw. But, I will continue to hope.

[Guest]

I eny those of you who remember dreams with such clarity.  When I wake all of my dreams are just a cluttered, nonsensical, montage of imagery.  I can tell who was in the dream but not any details that make sense.  Years ago I could remember what a dream was about but not any more.  I do know most of my dreams are repetitive throughout the night and thus pretty exhausting.

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

. I expected to dream of Connor, and so far, nothing.....maybe at ten weeks, it is too soon. Or maybe my mind is too jumbled, or the grief still too raw. But, I will continue to hope.

I do hope if/when you start having dreams about Conner, they bring you comfort.  Mine started months after Steve died and he was always out of reach.  When I had ones we were together, they felt good in the dream but so hard (for me) to handle when I woke up.  It intensified the loss.  They say be careful what you wish for, but in your case it may be a very healing thing.  I truly hope so because it is such a lonely journey and anything that helps, be it briefly, is a godsend.  It very well could be things are raw enough right now and you are still protected by shock.  10 weeks is still so very new.  

[kayc]

I think it took about a year before I had a dream of George, and in it I demanded to know where he'd been all this time!  I woke up, upset with myself, for not having just taken advantage of the time to hold him, but I guess we don't get to control our dreams.

[Dew's Girl]

14 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

I WISH I could have dreams of Connor.....so far, not a one.  

I just made a blog post about this same thing.  I yearn to see Daniel once more even in a dream.

[kayc]

Slightly off subject, but I guess I dream of George even when awake...

I just watched a movie Angels in the Snow and in it they made snow angels.  I remember doing that with George, he brought out the kid in me.

[WolfsKat]

2 hours ago, Dew's Girl said:

I just made a blog post about this same thing.  I yearn to see Daniel once more even in a dream.

I read your blog.....you write so very well.....the once about the dance was very poignant....echoes my feelings, exactly. All I can do is wait until my time for the "dance" to be finally over.....