Don't know what to think

[Guest]

Yesterday I made the trek to the Valley with two objectives: Attend my support group last night and go to doctor appointments today. When I went to bed I was quite astonished when it occurred to me I had completely forgotten the support group. I thought about it as I drove past the hospice where Deedo died and that was the last time until I was in bed drifting off. Now I'm not sure how to read this. My memory is crap since she died and that is definitely a possibility but then I wonder if maybe support groups are not as important to me as they were a month ago. As I reflect back on previous posts I do see change and yet I still long for Deedo every day; all day. I don't know but it will be interesting to see how this all plays out. A third possibility is I got too involved in Papa Moosie time with the grandkids and was completely distracted. 

[scba]

Dear Brad, I have discussed this "memory" issue my therapist a week ago. I think it is a mix of being distracted, being without focus and disinterest. I have been on a trip 3 weeks ago and a friend stayed with me at home. Unless I focus in this memory, it is not something I actively remember. I had an exam 3 months ago, It took me a lot of effort to study, but it is not present in my memory. 2 weeks ago the cultural center where I volunteer closed for the holidays. I dont miss it at all. Not that I don't or didn't care about volunteer, my friend, my exam, my trip. I put effort on each of them. I believe that my mind and my soul are just in a paralell universe. I think that this is normal, and if it is not, I guess I will have to learn a new skill to be part of the world again.

If the support group is not for you anymore, I think that with time you will realise of it. My opinion.

 

[hollowheart]

I agree with SCBA. This could be that you just didn't need the group that day, or you are drifting toward not needing them at all. Being distracted could have also helped. I know we are all more distracted than usual, trying to concentrate with something always on your subconscious mind. I also like the mind and soul in parallel with each other.

I don't know if it's just my therapist but I find myself not wanting to go anymore either. Part of it is the reality that I hate that I have to need a therapist for what I am going for in the first place, but also because she sits and waits for me to talk and at times I'm tired of talking about it. It's good to talk and get things off my chest, but it's not the kind of talking I want. I want and need conversational talking that I used to do with my sister.

Longing for Deedo is something that will never change, it is ingraining itself into your everyday and it will be something that will be there always.

[Guest]

Scba 

I do think it is a memory thing brought on by grief. While this was the biggest "Uff Da" it by no means is the only. Same trip I was supposed to bring Deedo's cremain marbles (very cool marbles containing Deedo's cremains) for my daughter to select the one she wanted; totally slipped my mind even though I knew how important it was. Probably should have posted this in the "Still in the Fog" thread. 

[KATPILOT]

Hi Brad,

So many things about grief can affect our memory and a whole lot of other behaviors we had once.  I used to think I was simply losing my mind mostly because I wished I would.  I felt so insecure early on my journey because I suddenly had to remember more than just my responsibilities but hers as well. I didn't pay the bills before or manage the house or even see to oil changes and the like. She did that stuff. I had to learn how to be more organized and that took years and writting things down helped a lot.

I sure wish I could lose my memory when Kathy's last days creep back into my thoughts. Those I call waking nightmares. There's a thousand of those I wish I didn't have and I'll bet we all can relate to that. I remember when I was eight years old and I was hit by a car. I woke the next day in the hospital with no memory at all of two weeks prior. Wish that was how watching her die could have been.

Hollowheart I hope it is just your therapist that makes you feel that way because exchange of thoughts and feelings is what counseling is all about. Perhaps a new one might be advisable.  I once read a book by a psychologist of great renown who said it is not possible to counsel without feeling emotion and love. I used to think that they all had to protect themselves from letting the sorrow in to avoid going mad but I grew to understand that's not how it works. You just have it or you don't.

[kayc]

Brad,

I don't think it necessarily indicated you don't need the support group, but more than likely just memory lapse due to grief.  If you find yourself dragging your feet in anticipation of support group, I'd explore those feelings, otherwise, I'd just go to the next one.

[Margm]

I read about the memory thing and grief.  I do not even try to explain myself to my family.  They understand and probably have lack of memory themselves.  I just don't care.  I did make an attempt to call my old psychiatrist when I was back in Louisiana.  She had just retired.  I sure hate that.  Maybe a new one can get my records from her and I won't have to explain 73 years of weird behavior, and I can pick up where I left off with my chronic depression diagnosis.

[Gwenivere]

My memory is shot right now.  I'll find things done forgot I did and forget the simplest things. Of will start something and forget about it til I run into it.  My house has post it notes and pens everywhere.  I write lists every day because what seems is unforgettable is.  I keep a notepad by my bed for those things that pop to mind when I'm trying to go sleep and know will vanish in the morning.   People will even tell me things I forget they did.  I also now ask people....did I tell you this already?  I've driven right by laces I was actually going to and then realize....oops, I did it again.  I think we are all in the same boat there.  I miss my former keen memory.  Thank gawd for shows with 'previously on....'.  Even reading a nook I have to scan the prior chapter.  

 

[WolfsKat]

Wow.....good to hear I am not the only one with memory lapses.  I find it hard, very hard to focus.....and this is SO not "me"...or, at least the me I used to be before Connor left....I handled everything, always very efficient. Adding to that is a seeming inability to deal with stuff.....I tend to fall to pieces over the simplest things....it all starts to become overwhelming, and all I want to do is....I'm not sure, run, hide....I think  perhaps what they term "panic attacks"?  My heart starts racing and I feel like I'm going to lose total control...very scary sensation. It will be ten weeks tomorrow that my Connor has been gone. Maybe this is "normal" at this stage?

[MartyT]

I hope this article is helpful to you, Kat: Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping ~ and Gwen, you might check out this one by Megan Devine: Has Grief Made You Lose Your Mind?

[Margm]

I had a picture I wanted to give my daughter, came in to get it off the wall (she had given it to Billy).  It was gone.  I got totally paranoid.  It was like not finding his ring nugget, I was thinking possibly someone had taken it.  My son found the picture where I had placed it to bring to my daughter.  I had put something on top of it to bring to her also.  The ring nugget made me totally immobile for weeks, afraid that I would throw something out with it in it.  It was in the jewelry box that I had looked in at least 10 times.  No memory of doing these things.  The part that bothered me was being paranoid that someone had stolen it.  Now, I keep house in the fashion of this:  If a thief comes in, he will automatically leave thinking someone has already stolen anything of value.  The paranoia part bothered me more than the loss of memory.  Hole in my heart, bigger hole in my brain.  I will just take it for granted that I am certifiable.  

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Marty.  ANY reminder I am still sane is greatly appreciated as that eludes me quite often.

[KarenK]

Brad,

I chalk it up to distraction combined with exhaustion. Remember, you had just driven 4 hours to get here.

Just tonight, I headed for Walmart instead of the library which was my first intended destination. Easy to correct, but it tends to prey on your mind when you suddenly become disorganized. What bothers me more is forgetting simple words when I'm speaking.

I too, make lists of destinations when I am running multiple errands. When I was younger, I could multitask. Many things require more concentration now.

Methinks old age is creeping up.  LOL

[WolfsKat]

6 hours ago, MartyT said:

I hope this article is helpful to you, Kat: Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping ~ and Gwen, you might check out this one by Megan Devine: Has Grief Made You Lose Your Mind?

Thank you, Marty. I actually found both articles to be of help. Will be checking into the guided imagery. Good to know that all of the things happening are not impending psychosis but quite commonplace in grief. Thanks again!

[Guest]

I've started making lists for everything and am pretty good about checking them.  What I am poor at is adding things to the list as I think of them so important things do get forgotten simply because I forgot to put them on the list.

[kayc]

I live by lists, but then I always have.  When I go to the valley, 50-60 miles away, I plan where I'm going to go and in what order to save time.  I've always been super organized and had so many things on my mind I don't like to count on my mind...I'd rather rely on paper or my google tasks.

[Guest]

Katpilot:  I was struck by what you said about losing your mind and wished that you would.  I have felt that exact same thing.  The pain for me is still so acute (6 1/2 months).  It gets tiring and you almost wish something cataclysmic would happen to shake it up somehow.  I am also having memory problems as others have said in these posts.  The worst part is the lost feeling that makes me wonder if I will ever feel whole again.  Sometimes the feelings abate for some reason and that is wonderful; just wish it would happen more.  No one could imagine what this is like if they hadn't experienced it.  It's like something has got hold of you and your doing battle constantly to save yourself.  Oh, well....I guess that's enough.  Thanks for listening, Janice

[Guest Janka]

On ‎31‎.‎12‎.‎2015 at 2:11 AM, kayc said:

I live by lists, but then I always have.  I've always been super organized and had so many things on my mind I don't like to count on my mind...I'd rather rely on paper.

Dear Kay!

I´m the same as well.I've been super organized at Christmas by now and really didn´t forget anything I had to do.So,this is what I´m indeed good in.I´m a perfectionist by all means and satisfied this way.Since my beloved Jan left this world,I do it as well as if he lived now and I´ll not stop doing that until we two meet again.Though he is there and I´m here,we are still united and I´m sure that he is by my side,looking at me from above,listening to me and loving me above all for eternity.

Janka

[kayc]

Janka,

That's how I feel.  In a way, I do it for George.  I couldn't not put up a tree, I have his ornaments to put up and his stocking to hang, and there's all the traditions he and I built that I need to continue, even if no one else sees it.  I feel like he's with me, sharing in it.  I just wish he could say something!

[Guest Janka]

20 hours ago, kayc said:

Janka,

That's how I feel.  In a way, I do it for George.  I couldn't not put up a tree, I have his ornaments to put up and his stocking to hang, and there's all the traditions he and I built that I need to continue, even if no one else sees it.  I feel like he's with me, sharing in it.  I just wish he could say something!

My dear Kay,

this is how I feel too,no matter if anyone else sees it or not.Our beloved ones can see all of those precious things we both do for themselves in loving memory forever and I´m sure they are happy sharing all of this with ourselves too.As time passes by I also all the more wish I could see him and talk to each other,but I still hope it can happen someday after all of those miracles he has sent me so far.

With love Janka

[Guest]

Janka,

With a love like yours' and a heart like yours' I can't help but feel that maybe that miracle is waiting for you.  I certainly hope so.

 

[Guest Janka]

7 hours ago, Brad said:

Janka,

With a love like yours' and a heart like yours' I can't help but feel that maybe that miracle is waiting for you.  I certainly hope so.

 

Dear Brad,send you and others the pictures of the city I live in all my life.

Janka

[Guest]

Oh Janka, 

I never realized that Bratislava was such a beautiful place. How fortunate you are to live there. 

[Margm]

Janka, you live only where our imaginations can go.  It makes me want to see "the old country" so much, just as my ancestors lived hundreds of years ago, it makes me want to see the streets they walked on.  It is beautiful.  The only problem with me is, I would have to take a ship or plane to get there.

[Guest Janka]

12 hours ago, Brad said:

Oh Janka, 

I never realized that Bratislava was such a beautiful place. How fortunate you are to live there. 

My beloved man Jan loved it here.I had a lof of plans for leaving this place because of economic situation here,as for any working in Croatia or Italy,somewhere near the sea I had been dreaming of before,as I speak many languages,to find a better place,a better payment,a better tomorrows,because the life here isn´t such a fairy tale as it seems outwardly by all means.Then I met my beloved Jan and everything changed in my heart,mind and soul to make a decision to stay live here.My beloved Jan was 26 years older than me,therefore for him would be hard to start somewhere else.He had a work,a property,a rootage here and had been doing everything for me to make me happy every day of my life,so I had no reason to leave then.After my beloved man Jan had died,his family from the first marriage took away everything from me that me and my beloved man Jan really had and I had to start alone again,without any real family,just with the best friends of mine,otherwise I´d be all alone now.I´ve forgiven his family everything they´ve done to me in my life,but I´m not in touch with them anymore.I don´t wish anyone what I´ve been going through by now.Today I was talking to my beloved Jan again and he came to me as well as before,I felt his presence from top to toe as the warmest embrace again and then he was gone.Brad,I´m crying again while writing these words as it´s so incredibly hard living without my beloved man Jan,without my heart,mind and soul,without my dearest one!!!

            Janka