The Journey

[Margm]

I put off a lot of business until after the holidays.  I am not young anymore.  Even if I was, I would not look to share my life with another man.  How in this world, or any other, could they compare to Billy the Kid?  We have had our children, watched them develop lives of their own.  Somehow or other, their lives always ran right beside our life.  I chose to open a new account in my home town instead of taking Billy's name off our old account..  I will have to close that account, and I hate so much closing doors.  Many of you were together only a short while.  I was with Billy for close to 55 years.  My mother fed me fairy tales as a steady diet.  I knew them all.  Those 54-55 years were not all fairy tales, some were horrible drama, but we stayed the course.  It was not easy sometimes, a lot of forgiving and trying to forget.  I don't think either one of us ever totally forgot, but we did forgive.  This morning, in talking to someone about my new account, I explained about not liking to close doors.  This woman understood.  Her husband passed when he was 45, she was 43.  She has been remarried now for three years.  She had three young children to  raise.  Some will understand, some will not, something I call my "mojo."  Billy has been gone 10 weeks.  The first night I was almost asleep, I saw him sitting on the foot of our bed.  Then, he was gone.  After a flu shot, while watching TV, I dozed off.  I saw him laying on the couch, and I guess he must have still been sick.  Then, he was gone.  Last night, too many carbs I guess, I dozed off in the chair (my granddaughter and I were watching movies), and my head hung down.  I felt/saw him standing beside my chair, bending down and kissed my forehead into an upright position.  My heart went into my throat.  He was gone again.  Maybe, just maybe, my mojo is still working.  Billy did not believe in ghosts, supernatural anything.  We were not strong religious people, though we felt something stronger than our own selves, and Billy wanted me to keep my faith.  Neither of us were political.  We were strong nature people, and we both had religious backgrounds, mine was forced, his was of his own choosing, his own path.  We let life turn us upside down often, but faith, sometimes a slippery slope, it has a way of opening a path for some people.  My neighbor down the street (only 9 houses on this street) passed away Christmas Eve.  Billy and Bob would talk incessantly when they were together.  I like to think that now Billy has his talking buddy with him.  Of those nine houses, five are inhabited by widows now.  I am ready to get out of Dogpatch. 

It does not matter if you are together one year or 55 years, when you lose that part of yourself that is your partner, that part of yourself that makes life worth living, there is a void.  People will not understand until they have to walk that path by themselves.  I had over 50 years, you wanted that many.  Well, I wanted 50 more.  I still feel the panic coming on that I have to get through another day without him.  My friends who have walked this path before me, they say it gets easier.  I hope so.  I was so fortunate that we both were retired and both had worked 80 years between us with a retirement that would take care of either of us if the other one went first.  I still remember him telling me when I would get panicky during my cancer fight "If you die, your worries, your pain, your suffering will be over with and those you leave behind, we will have all the pain and suffering to take care of."  Well, hello Billy, it's happening now.  I sure would not wish it on anyone, definitely not him.  But, he also said "the one left must stay."  Okay, here I am, but I sure hate closing those doors.

 

[Guest]

Marg

I also hate closing doors/chapters on Deedo's life. Each one leaves me weakened, that much more empty, that much more reeling. For me it is five months today; twenty-two weeks tomorrow. I envy you seeing your beloved Billy. I occasionally dream about Deedo but the dreams are just that: dreams. Sometimes we are still battling her cancer; sometimes it is just us being us, but it's never enough. But then nothing could ever be enough.

 

I do wish we had been able to be retired together. I retired to become her full time care giver. By that time it was too late to live our retirement dreams. When she was diagnosed we had booked and paid for four trips. Two cruises and two trips to visit family. None of them happened. 

I'm envious of people who get that time together. But then I'm envious of people who are still together. Of people who are getting that which was denied me. 

[hollowheart]

Oh Brad, that broke my heart to read about the trips you had planned. That is not fair. I believe things like that make it even worse to try to come to grips with the circumstances. My mother has told me many times about her aunt who had just retired and had a lot of money to retire on, and then she died. This was about 50 years ago, but of course it's something she didn't forget, that unfairness and that feeling of your loved one being robbed and denied of something good and deserving.

It leaves you with a bitter taste in your mouth forever.

[Margm]

Brad, we retired to RVing.  We lived in the RV alone, probably six years, still working, making short trips.  It was RV heaven.  Then we had to settle down away from the big city to help get our son off drugs before he overdosed.  He had already been shot and coded twice on the operating table.  He is bipolar, and drugs are a byproduct a lot of times and he is such a talented artist, and our son that we love very much, we got off the road.  We bought a house and he secluded himself in the room, with bath, by himself.  He got off the mainline drugs cold turkey.  But, he had hepatitis C and had to have the treatment.  His poor liver is still not even probably 60%.  But still, his life was most important.  Then a granddaughter we helped raise.  Then, our time came again.  We bought the RV in March that we never got to pull anywhere, except to this house.  Now, ironically, our son will take up our RV dream.  Was it worth it?  Totally worth it.  You will give up your life for your family, literally.  And, we are all left to pick up  the pieces of our life.  We can do it.  It won't be easy.  I have  50 of Billy's morphine pills left.  My neighbor (who lost her husband four years ago) told me to get rid of them.  No, I carry them in my purse.  Billy, the supernatural unbeliever, has visited me three times now, only for a moment, probably only in my imagination (except last night was so real.)  He does not talk to me.  I am sure Jesus gets very confused.  I pray often.  I start out to Jesus, but wind up praying to Billy.  Probably wrong thing to do, but I will keep doing it.  We do what we have to do to carry on.  I want to cry a lot, alone I might cry, but the times are fewer now.  Sometimes I feel a Novocaine numbness of my brain.  We all cope the best we can. 

[kevin]

That whole drug thing was a nightmare, we went through it twice(separate daughters)......almost a decade apart. This is when I get choked up, I see people, normally woman, work more than one job, put it all out there for the kids, and then Drugs shatter everything..  My heart is out there for the Parents ....the hidden victims......

[kayc]

Margaret, very well written...

Yes, it's hard closing doors, hard assimilating changes into our lives.  55 years is a long time, you get used to things being a certain way, this must feel like a huge upheaval.  I'm glad he has his talking buddy with him now...except it's hard for those left behind.

[Margm]

Yes, I automatically felt guilty when I said that.  I don't know his wife very well, but they had been married as long, maybe longer than we had.  My other neighbor was married over 50 years also.  Yes, it feels as though you have lost some vital part of your body, probably the heart and brain.  

[KarenK]

Marg,

Like yours our marriage had many ups and downs and forgive and forgets, but we weathered the storm. I loved him with all my heart. He was very jealous and for all those years, any male friendship I had put him on high alert. It was extremely difficult for me as I worked with men for 40 years. He had absolutely no reason for worry, but I could never convince him. That subject remained "at large" for our entire marriage. He said and did some very horrible and hateful things to me, yet I stayed and I still loved him.

I guess it doesn't matter now, but I hurt. I hurt because he died believing things about me that weren't true.(That is my beef with God....that he could not answer my simple prayer for Ron to see the truth). I hurt because I think he no longer loved me. We had not been intimate for 20 years due to sexual dysfunction caused by his diabetes, but I stayed. It did not matter to me because I loved him. In the last few years, he would no longer hold my hand or show any affection. I hurt because he drove my daughter away when she was 15. Before she died she told me she could not stand the way he treated me. I had known this all along but not once told him for fear of hurting him. He loved her very much. Yet, I stayed because I loved him. So now I have the guilt of wondering what would have happened if she'd never moved away...............These are a few of the things that swirl through my brain each time I try to sleep. I can't shut them off and I will never have the answers.

I have also been through the drug scene with my son. He grew up when he was about 30 and gave it up.

I hope this isn't TMI for anyone, but I had no one else to tell. My daughter was my confidante. There are things I can't tell my son about his father.

I simply hurt and this is a long lonely journey.

[Margm]

I think any marriage has its ups and downs.  Especially after such a long time.  He had developed into my best friend though.  I am so sorry about your daughter.  We all know we should not outlive our children.  So much of life seems unfair.  I miss him so much.  No, the marriage was not perfect, but the last 20 years of it were perfect.  We got new rings on our 50th.  He promptly lost his in the lake, too loose.  Mine is loose too now that I have lost so much weight, but I am going to get a ruby solitaire to wear over it to keep it on.  It will be my "widowment" instead of engagement ring.  Our anniversary is in July and his birthday was in July, so it will be a widowment ring to hold my 50th wedding anniversary band on.  I don't think of them as mistakes now.  They were detours, road blocks and speed bumps of life.  Some things I would have changed.  We both hurt each other, but he never brought up what I had done, and that was not like him at all.  He did not trust me the first 10 years (and I gave him no reason).  Later on I gave him reason.  He forgave me.  But, he was no angel either.  Finally, someone told him I had beat him at his own game.  Trust is very important in marriage.  So, we had an over 20 year run of total trust.  I had about a 30 year run of total trust.  We make mistakes.  Forgiveness is wonderful.  We did okay, so did you.  I am just so sorry about all of our grief, but so very sorry about your daughter too.

I came from a dysfunctional family and so did Billy.  Some of his distrust issues were from his own mother. He changed, I changed, we evolved into perfection (at least that is what I remember.) You know Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel were pretty dysfunctional themselves.  Can you imagine walking around all day in June Cleaver's shoes in Leave it to Beaver.  By the end of the day I would have been homicidal.  

[kevin]

Trust was the biggest thing that weighted on me.....as Angela got ill, I assured her things were being taken care of and we would be joined at the hip.......Over the years, Angela regressed or changed to almost a Childlike adulation, what I did or said was Gospel......I tell you, that was a lot of responsibility and stress. She trusted me unconditionally, I don't think anyone will ever put me on that pedestal again(or do I want to be there again).........now the previous 25 years were volatile, fire and ice, ups and downs, never a dull moment.......but, we hung in through thick and thin. ........When I think of it, I feel Angela was short changed, but I know in comparisons to many others, she lived an interesting life,,,,,,,,, 

[KarenK]

Never a dull moment would describe our lives also, Kevin. Good times and some really, really bad ones.

June Cleaver I'm not, Marg.  Not even close. More like Annie Oakley.

[kayc]

Oh Karen, as long as you have been here and yet you have never opened up like that!  It took a lot for you to tell us...I know, I've bared my soul here, but it's not always been easy.  I do it to let others know someone else has been there and understand, or if I can find my way through it, just maybe they can too.  But doing so is at a cost to me, it involved risk of rejection, of being though less of...of course that doesn't usually materialize, we're just afraid it will.  We want to be thought of as "normal" and "acceptable" so it's easier to wear a mask and try to fit in.

Karen, I want you to know that all of that was not about you, it was about him.  HIS insecurities, HIS fears.  They weren't based on you.  Now that he knows the truth, I'm sure he regrets that he treated you that way.  You didn't deserve that.  And I doubt things would have come out any different had your daughter not moved.

Annie Oakley, I like that!  I can see that, I see you as someone with a lot of spunk! Even though life has tried to beat you down, you still have that spark, I see it in you.

(((hugs)))

[Margm]

Karen, I have been known to fall off a pair of Adidas.  Flats, if they have a 1/2 inch heel will throw me.  I only wear something with rubber soles.  I was what they called a "tomboy" back in my day.  I painted a number on my shirt and played football with the little boys, but made sure all my dolls were covered up at night.  Billy always liked me to sit like a lady, but those knees were gonna be crossed like a man.  Hate housekeeping.  June Cleaver would not have been my best friend.  But, otherwise, I enjoyed being a girly girl with makeup and all.  Hands shake too bad (congenital tremor) to allow me to do that now.  I "caught" Billy with my painted face.  I don't need it anymore.  But, I prefer a can of bear spray for my weapon of choice.  Not a gun hating person, just would shoot myself in the foot with one.  Would probably disable myself with bear spray too.  I'll just lay low.

[Guest]

Once again I'm reminded of how lucky I was and how much I've lost.  Our marriage was as close to ideal as one can get.  We did have "words" on occasion but they were rare fewer than three times a year and even then the disagreements were short lived and resolved completely.  Deedo's first husband was very abusive and I learned early in the relationship that the art of compassionate dialog was the best way to alieve her insecurities.  She did bring some significant baggage into the relationship (night terrors were the worst) and I knew I had to work hard at helping her learn she was truly worthy of my love and adoration.  Ours was a relationship of passion, compassion, communication, humor and love; pure, unadulterated, unconditional love.  She knew it and so did I.  I also know I will never find that again.

[Margm]

Billy and I married very young.  He told me he could not have children because of the mumps.  Our son was born a week from our first anniversary.  We grew up with our children and we made very childish, dangerous mistakes early on.  Still, we hung onto what we had found as teenagers.  I think we grew into very responsible adults and finally into beautiful senior citizens.  I would not change a thing, other than the hurt I caused him, and would have been holding him his last moments rather than showing anger for him giving up.  He was perfect in every way for this very imperfect person, me.

[KarenK]

Kay,

I hesitated and thought long and hard about baring my soul. I could relate things that would curl your toes, as they say but it would be inappropriate so I keep them inside. I too, feared possible rejection and if it happens, then so be it. It is something I have grown accustomed to.

Ron had an abusive childhood and a first wife who was unfaithful, a heroin addict and had tried once to kill him. We came from entirely different backgrounds. I'm sure his past had a great deal to do with his treatment of me. As I said to Keith, the good times were good, but the bad times were a living nightmare.

Marg,

I think when I was much younger, I was a "girly girl", but always a cowgirl at heart. After 40 years in business attire, I gave away all those things. I wear boots(10 pair), jeans and t-shirts or western shirts. I only wear makeup for those rare visits to church. That is just who I am. I am blessed with my mother's "look 10 years younger" genes. I am also imperfect.  LOL

[Margm]

Yep, red hair and freckles make me look younger than I am.  Liberal use of Vaseline to remove makeup helps too.  My kids both look much younger than they are.  Billy's childish looks he covered with a beard.  Genes help.  Sometimes harm.  

[Guest]

Brad:  I empathize with you.  My husband was diagnosed 2 months after he retired and I hadn't retired yet.  We had so many plans for the future, and I too am jealous when I see couples together or am around retired couples living out their dreams.  It is so painful.  It's been 6 1/2 months for me.  So wanting this to pass and get back into life; hate the way this makes me feel....Janice

[Guest]

Janice 

We really do have similar stories.  While I know that sometime I will need to get back into life for right now it is enough to spend my time trying to find sustenance here and hoping too that some day I will be able to find at least some contentment with life because right now all I see is sorrow.

 

[Margm]

We had 18 years of retirement together, but that in itself is a lie.  Billy and I retired together, but because of family circumstances we were "stuck" at home.  So, I went back to work and could work out of my home.  Billy felt guilty and sat on the couch and watched me work.  He should have been out fly fishing, but he tied fly's, wrapped rods, and practiced his hobby.  He did this so much that family wanted to put his hobby on E-Bay.  So, since it was to become a job, he quit it and our granddaughter was home schooled so he became a teacher and expert in algebra.  So, in our retirement, we still worked and never got to enjoy it.  But, we did enjoy family during this time.  You do what you have to do.  I will make a shadow box of his fly's for each child and grandchild.  He would have never wanted to make money off his hobby.  Together we both worked 80 years, and I am proud  of that. 

[Guest]

Brad:  I understand about the sorrow.  I think I've been continually trying to fast-track all this due to the severity of the pain.  Take care, Janice

[Guest]

Janice - 

I've always been one to tackle things head-on; learn as much as I can; develop an approach, game plan. attack plan; solve the problem; move on.  It's not working this time.  I am doing everything I can think of to "fast-track" through this and five months later I'm still measuring progress in minute steps.  I mentioned Marty's book on another thread; Part three strats with a list of 48 changes in attitudes you can use to measure your growth.  I went through the list and found only eight changes I've made in the past twenty-two weeks and chances are next time I go through this list I will probably need to take some of them off as for me this is such an up/down/forward/backward stumble around in mood altering miasma kind of thing.  I've really started to understand that for me there isn't a fast track but a life long sentence.  Everything I've read and heard indicates that it will get better and I will change and be stronger but I will also be different.  I do know about the severity of the pain as you know of the sorrow.  I continue to work and work feverishly to learn how to better cope and then just when I start thinking I might be okay - Bam another ambush trigger, another day of isolation, another setback and I feel I'm starting over anew.

[MartyT]

Brad, my dear, you sound so determined, so driven, so insistent on finding a "fast-track" through this ~ but as you are discovering, there is no "fast" way through grief. If there were, I'd certainly be shouting it from the rooftops to let everyone know.

I know these setbacks feel as if each time, you're starting over anew ~ but in reality, you're not. You are still moving forward, even if it is one step forward and two steps back. You are still learning what works for you and what does not. And I'll bet that each time you think you've slid backward, you learn from that experience that you can and will survive ~ and each time you get back up, you are reinforcing that belief in your own ability to survive. 

This is the way of grief -- we oscillate back and forth, up and down, every which-way but straight. Still, while there is no "right" or "wrong" way to "do" grief, there certainly are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with it. You are actively seeking healthy ways, and I promise you that those are what will help you through.

Even so, this process cannot be rushed. Patience is the key. (Go back and read some of the earlier posts by some of our veteran members to see how often patience is prescribed!) Easier said than done, I know ~ but that's what we're all here for: to remind you that you can do this ~ that you ARE doing this ~ with a little help from your friends 

[Guest]

Brad:  A counselor told me that everything I had relied on previously to work through problems would fail me now.  Sounds like you are experiencing that too.  I am also a problem solver and I think that is why this is so difficult, because this isn't something you can just solve.  I guess I resist the hard feelings also.  I know too what you're saying about working so hard to cope and then feeling hammered.  It is very difficult to deal with.....it's comforting to talk to someone who knows what this is.  Yes, a life sentence I'm afraid is probably true.  Just hoping there is some being able to live life again in there.  My husband had said he wanted me to live and find happiness again, and I'm left with what a tall order that is going to be from my vantage point right now.  

[Guest]

Janice -

My Deedo left me a letter with specific instructions including mourn for a short time and then move on.  Also she wanted me to find companionship.  Neither of us knew at that time what was in store for me.  In her mind I know it sounded reasonable, we had after all lost our parents, a brother-in-law and her brother plus various aunts, uncles and cousins.  But my life was not really directly impacted.  When her parents died it was the closest to grieving I came and it was for a short time.  It took her a little longer but it was no where close to what hit me when she died.  All I know is I am glad it is me and not her going through this as I would never want to see her suffer the way I am suffering now.  

I do believe there is a being in there able to live life again.  I see it all the time with others who have lost spouses...I just don't know how long it will be before my first waking thought and my last waking thought are not of Deedo.

 

Marty - 

I really am seeing growth, I see it in my HOV support group, I see it here, I see it with my counselor and I see it with my daily life.  But it really is such tiny steps and I've never been known for my patience.  And I would need to say it is with A LOT OF HELP FROM MY FRIENDS... especially here.