Why Exactly?

[Maylissa]

Does anyone know WHY exactly so many of us feel that life is pointless, after a parent dies? I mean, I functioned on my own for close to 20 years without my Mom around terribly much, and even without a ton of contact, relatively-speaking, for about 14 of those years, and yet now, it doesn't seem very worthwhile even doing anything much with my life, even in my daily affairs. WHY would this be? It just doesn't make sense! I can't seem to shake this feeling, no matter how much logic and common sense I apply to it!

[shell]

Hi Maylissa,

I don't know. It doesn't make sense, and it is so confusing. My mom and I have both admitted (after my dad died almost a year ago) that we feel so alone, yet we love each other very much and I live with her. We also have my brother.....so why feel alone? There are so many emotions that come along with grieving that you just don't expect and can't understand. I finally just gave up trying to figure it out and just get by each day as best as I can. Don't know what else to do! Wish I had the answers.

Hugs,

Shell

[shubom]

Hi Maylissa, Shell,

I feel exactly how you feel. I feel like life is pointless too. I lost both my parents and it sucks. For me, I wanted to make my parents proud by going to college, and getting a good paying job and helping them out financially. My father had a hard life, and I didn't want him to ever work again if he didn't have too. It was my time to take care of him. I never got that chance. He died before I even graduated, and never saw me off to my real professional job. I wanted to quit college, because life seemed pointless. What's the point, my dream was killed. A part of me died. Our family was broken. We had to find a way to hold the table up with one person short. It was horrible. At that point, I realized that the most important thing to me, was to spend as much time as I could with family, especially my mom, since she was hurting so much because she lost her companion, someone she knew even before I came along. She became my best friend and we did everything together. And I was happy. I just wanted time with my family. And then last month, my mother passes away. I'm so shocked and can't believe it. Now what I lived for, just got killed again. You see? Right now, life feels like it's not worth living. I am single with no kids. My mom was the only parent we had ! Broken Dreams makes me feel like life's not worth living.

[Maylissa]

Shubom, and Shell,

I feel for you, having this same, debilitating feeling as so many of us do. And it's easy for me to see why you feel this way - it's like someone didn't just move the goalpost - they REmoved it entirely.

But this is what seems, intellectually at least, so silly in my case. I've had my partner for years, and we'd had our fur-kids for years ( my hardest loss overall was still the loss of our fur-'son' 6 years ago ), so I had my own family all along. Plus, due to many reasons, I only talked to my Mom every few weeks, not daily...except for after she got hospitalized, when it became much more frequent, while circumstance permitted ( later on she didn't do so well with phones, and the staff was uncooperative at times ). So it's not like I spent my days with her as my primary focus. We lived 2 Provinces away from each other, and I hadn't been home in 14 years, again, due to many reasons. Plus, I thought I'd come to terms with not having my family of origin in my life. Even with my Mom, her brain wasn't working well for many years, so I'd rather lost a good portion of her many years ago, too, and also knew that I couldn't expect any miraculous, positive changes either with her, or between the 2 of us. I'd accepted all of that.

And while I felt like I'd gotten a good measure of my 'old' Mom back when she recovered from her first stroke ( because she couldn't drink or do unnecessary prescription drugs while in hospital, so was clearer-headed ), it still wasn't terribly ideal. It's not like we could suddenly discuss all the important things we hadn't been able to before. So while I know lots of my suffering came from THEN losing my Mom after having gotten a piece of her back, this is different. And knowing that my worst grief ever was when our fur-boy died, I also can't figure out why the loss of my Mom is having an even more, all-encompassing effect on my entire life! Like I said, I had my own, little family unit, and had been quite content with that as my focus for so long. I'd given up the rest of my family voluntarily since they were so toxic for me. Now, nothing seems to matter in the big picture. This has GOT to be something really deep-rooted, that I just can't unearth, but I certainly don't know what it is! Wanting my Mom back is one thing....but what I absolutely NEED back, is MY old self!!

Edited February 9, 2006 by Maylissa

[shell]

Maylissa, Shubom,

I don't know if this will help you or not, but after my dad (and several others, inclucing one of my fur babies, in like two months) died I went into this deep soul searching journey (sounds silly, but that's all I can think to call it). I didn't do this right away, maybe 3 months later. To make a long story short, I think I relived my entire life in my mind. VERY exhausting. But somewhere along the way, I regained some of my old self back. I guess it reminded me of the way I used to be. I also looked at old photos, read old letters from ex-boyfriends and friends and cleaned out our storage unit, which had a lot of memories of various times of my life in it.

I guess when we feel hopeless and like life isn't worth living anymore, we have to remember that the people who have left us would want us to go on and be happy. That's an old thing that people always tell you, but I think its true. We have to hang on tight and believe that things will get easier to bear eventually.

Hugs.....hang on tight,

Shell

[shubom]

Hi Shell,

I know exactly what you are saying, but it's really hard to go on and feel happy knowing that my mother isn't here to share that with me. This morning I woke up, and I just kept thinking to myself, there's no way I can go on without her. How could I? After my father passed away, I made it my life's goal to take care of my mother and spend as much time as I could with her, because that's what my dad would have wanted. That was my main goal/purpose, and I did the best job I could. And now that she's gone, I feel like my world has been crushed. I soul searched alot for life's purpose, and that's what I came up with for me. And now that's gone. So I have to make up another life's purpose? What if that gets crushed? I'm so afraid.

I like how you are looking at old photos and trying to find yourself again. I've done a few things too that's made me feel like my old self. I started reading books again and watching my favorite tv shows. It's calming, but at the same time very sad. Sometimes I think I'd rather not go back to my old self. I just want to change completely, be someone different altogether. That old life hurts so much without my mother in it.

Again I'd like to think she'd like me to go on. But at the same time, go on to what......? What is more important than spending time with her? At this point, absolutely nothing. I'm single and have no kids. It's like I have a blank slate to write out anything I want.....but the only thing I want is my mother, and I can't have her. It makes me sad. Now I have to search out another goal in life.....and I'm afraid.

[Maylissa]

Shubom,

Sometimes I think I'd rather not go back to my old self. I just want to change completely, be someone different altogether. That old life hurts so much without my mother in it.

I know what you mean, and how even the better memories can hurt. But I also think that's a very good observation. Because the selves we were when our mothers were alive is part and parcel of our past and our history, and now that past ellicits such pain, it's like we've lost part of our own identities, too...and it's no wonder we feel so lonely, adrift and goaless...even IF we have other people around...even IF we still play other roles, like sister, partner, or what-have-you. We haven't really got ourselves, either. While grief can't help but change us, it's very shocking to suddenly not be as comfortable in our own skin at the same time as we're mourning. We've lost our roles as daughters of mothers, a role it felt like we'd always fill, no matter how large or small a portion of our days that was.

I guess running from our old selves is akin to the so-called 'geographic cure' that addicts think will rescue them from their addiction. "If I just move, things will be different. But on the other hand, we're NOT our old selves....we WERE changed, like it or not, when our loved ones left our lives. And that's a major loss, too!

I suppose the hard truth is that yes, you have to create new goals, as we all have to, all throughout our lives. And I can well imagine how frightening that must feel when you don't have anything else in place already. I can relate because I'm thinking of how my psychologist told me that I should definitely start on something, anything NOW, to prepare for when our last furbaby goes, and I'm suddenly not a 'Mom' and caregiver anymore - a huge role loss, equal to and the flip-side of how we're feeling as daughters...to give my life at least a bit of purpose, a goal to continue, even if I have to take a break from it for a time...it will be there for me to come back to. She said most people who DO have something in place do far better in the end, after a loss, than those who don't. Now, from your story, I can see the wisdom in her advice.

And I suppose many would say that what's the MOST important thing of all to do with your life is live it to the utmost, and to dedicate it to all manner of things that you, personally, love to do. But...when you're mourning, that seems like an impossible dream...even if it really isn't.

I'm not sure how, exactly, we'll all get going with our changed lives, or when, but I have hope that we will, eventually. I can somewhat feel the gentle stirrings inside of wanting to get out and DO something again...whether that's getting back to ballroom dance ( a big interest that I'd given up on this last year ) or just taking a walk on a regular basis. Keep in mind, it's been 2 years for me now...not nearly as recent as your mom's passing. And in fact, what's holding me back the most has been the ongoing and pretty restricting care of our furbaby, and yet I can't abandon her for my sake, either. So while I definitely don't want to be grieving the loss of my baby, to be able to have less responsibility for someone else would, at least at this point, probably be a help to me in regards to getting back out into the world. ( but if it helps, I'm incredibly frightened, too, wondering how I'll ever survive her death as well )

Give yourself more time to grieve, as hard and long as you need to, but keep an eye out for any little thing that might pique your interest later on, after you feel like you can function a bit better again. Of course you're frightened. Most of us are. Much of life is frightening, especially huge upheavals like losing your mother. Somehow we manage, by keeping on pushing ourselves along our different paths; sometimes with a plan, sometimes without one.

[shell]

Maylissa,

Wow. You always give such great advice. I especially agree with trying to do anything that piques your interest. I think being afraid is the worst. I still have my mom (who I have always been so close to) and am terrified of something happening to her. Also, since my dad died she has become very confused and that scares me too. I feel so very much for you and Shubom and everyone else who is in this position. Losing my dad was so hard, but losing my mom will be the absolute worst. I just hope I will grow and learn enough during this time that I won't completely fall apart when she is gone, something I try to push out of my mind. I can't even think about it.

[Maureen]

i don't know, i don't have any answers to that one. i feel the same way. but.. i know my mom is still with me. how do i know?

just a few days ago i was in one of my rants, everything was terrible, i felt worthless, i was a loser, i was a failure, i lost interest in my business, and what i was doing, and even told my pets they should go find another mommy because i wasn't worthy of taking care of them. I WAS IN A REAL BAD WAY. not crying, too tired for that, not even screaming. just ranting about what a miserable person i was and how worthless i felt. (i look back at that today and i'm sitting here starting to laugh a little at myself)

ok but i don't want to spoil this. picture a huge rant and i'm really genuinely feeling worthless and just awful.

back when my mom was well, for years she had the bookcase in front of the living room window and always put the lamp on at 5pm so that it would be on when i pulled in the driveway from work. very pretty in the window and talk about comforting.

well of course she's gone, furniture's been re-arranged and the dining room is now my office and the bookcase and lamp are in there. everyday at 4pm i stop working, turn that light on, and go in to my featherkids and play with them til about 5:30 and then they go night night. her picture is on my desk and i always tell her "you put the light on for me so i wouldn't come home to the dark, now i don't want you sitting in the dark". ok you get the picture.

the day of my rant, i was in such a pissy mood, i never put the light on. i was in with my kids, telling them just how bad mommy felt about life with out their grandma (my mom) and what a bum i was. i came into the kitchen and saw how dark it was (no light on in office) and said the h*ll with it. went back to my kids.

put them night night. came out to put something in my office, and THE LIGHT WAS ON. stopped me dead, pardon the pun, in my tracks, to the point where i got a pain in my chest. i really couldn't talk. i looked at my mom's picture in the living room like, what's going on......... and in my head i heard her voice. (not the first time) "well it stopped your silly talk didn't it? you're not a failure. far from it."

it's hard to explain........ why a loved one's passing makes you feel worthless. because you couldn't help them more? because you couldn't change the tide for them? is it because you couldn't have more control over events? i don't know. but as feelings of worthlessness and failure go, these are some pretty heavy feelings. it's not the first time my mom has stepped in since she's gone and straightened me out. boy am i grateful too. basketcase i'd be.

[Maylissa]

Maureen,

Even though your story doesn't answer my question, I did find it uplifting. Happenings like that are wonderful, aren't they? While my own Mom hasn't been able to do more than flicker the lights ( on 2 occasions ), I certainly noticed, especially since I'd asked her to be with me on the night this first ended up happening, and that's how she answered my plea.

Strangely, for me, I don't usually feel worthless in connection to anyone dying, and in fact, I often find myself asking why I don't have any real friends ( here ), when I often believe I have a lot to offer towards friendship. For the life of me, I can't figure out why the Universe doesn't seem to agree with my own assessment of myself! I realized, with a start, the other day, that I'm so drawn to these boards because I have no friends who call me, either to check up on me, or just to yak. None! I know a few, but none of them call me - I have to call them. This doesn't serve me well, as I'm really a very sociable person, it turns out....just like my Mom usually was.

So, I don't feel worthless, but I see others treating me as if I am! But I DO feel like life is rather pointless....and this kind of thing doesn't help matters! I mean, without relationships, what's the point of anything? A hermit, I would never make! And while so many on these boards are wonderful, caring and empathetic people, who go out of their way to help, we can't just pick up and 'do' lunch, or go shopping, or sit and chat for hours on end....sigh....would that we could.

Edited February 21, 2006 by Maylissa

[Maureen]

maylissa,

people are very strange creatures. i don't know, i can't figure out why you don't have any real friends. you seem like the sort of person i would love to have around!

i thought you meant you felt worthless in relation to the fact that your mom was no longer around. that's the only reason i told that story.

i have very few real friends. no one in my family. my old friends from my old life dropped me like a stone when my mom got sick. if i have an actual handful of people i can call true friends, that'd be alot.

i can be a hermit. i'm very socialable too, but it hurts when no one reciprocates, which is why i treat my birdies like little people, and why i work at home, and work so darn hard at my business. that business is my life line.

life itself doesn't hold much charm, mostly because it's so human oriented and i don't like my own species that much!!! LOL but i'm comfortable here on this board, and theres SO much unhappiness, sorrow and hurt in the world that if we can make a little difference to someone here, well that's good enough for me.

[shell]

Maureen,

You sound just like my mom and me! We always say we like animals better than people. I have WAY more patience with furry ones than humans!

Maylissa, I have two friends that I feel are true friends, but I always have to call them too. My mom has a best friend that she always has to call. Is there some sort of epidemic going on or what? I can honestly say that I am a really good friend. I will be there for you, defend you, give and give and give. And I know my friends love me too, but I do admit to feeling insecure that I have to do all the calling. Jeez, I don't know. As Maureen said, "people are very strange creatures". Just too bad we can't all hook up (from this board) and have lunch like you were talking about! I think we'd all get along great. Oh well, I guess we have to just accept our friends the way they are and get rid of the ones we can't accept.

Shell

[Paul S]

I also feel that life has become pointless after I've become an "Adult Orphan". Mom and Dad watched me grow up, screw up a lot, succeed some and so on. Now they are no longer there. There is no longer anyone around who loves us unconditionally who can judge us or advise us. Our safety net is gone. Despite how old we are, our parents are still a safety net. They can tell us what's what. Once that's gone, who's left? OMIGAWD, ME.

Even if the parents aren't perfect, (who's are?) if you are grieving over their loss, then there was love.

Life is pointless for a while, because Mom and Dad will never be around to see my future successes, will never meet any future wife and grandkids. I am now totally in charge of my life. If that doesn't make me wiggy,...then I withdraw into feeling that life is pointless, and therefore safer than taking action. Why bother, if its all useless?

And so I begin a journey. I think the pointless period is just a sort of wandering around aimlessly while I re-magnetize my compass. (Wow, now that's a catchy phrase. Sometimes I wonder where I get these.) Anyway, the geographic cure that Maylissa speaks of may, in this case, be a neccessary one. Of course, in addiction recovery circles, people who "do a geographic" are always warned that they have a tendency to take themselves with them. The old self tags along and makes a mess of things in the new location, just like in the old. So we change, we recover. "Recover" doesn't always mean to regain what was lost, i.e. the old life that existed when the deceased was with us, or to regain the life that might have been had the addiction never been realized. It could also mean, to "re-cover". (Yeah, like to reupholster) You've got you, something was ripped from you, and now yo've got to repair yourself. For any Christians present, this may be akin to what Jesus said about not pouring new wine into old wineskins. You have a new way of life now that the old is irreversibly changed, you need to adopt a new packaging. (Hmm... I've got to post this part in my recovery discussion forum.)

Anyway, like Maylissa and a couple others, I have few friends too, and I feel I've got tons to offer people. Most of my friends are online or at a geographic distance because of moves, but at the moment I don't care. Lack of deep roots (in part caused by my alcoholism-sober now almost 4 years, and my reclusive life due to caregiving my Mom) frees me to relocate once my life stabilizes. It still hurts being lonely, but despite a heckuva lotta introspection and examination, I can't figure that part out. Maybe that's where I'm supposed to be for now.

[Maylissa]

Hey, Paulski,

Yah, I wonder, too, where you get some of your great material! And speaking of material...I liked this analogy of yours, too, about the re-upholstering thing...although I think it goes even deeper than the outer layer, so some of that stuffing has to be replaced, too. Maybe it's Jesus himself giving you these more modern-day adaptations to old wisdom? Hey, ya never know!

And this one REALLY hit home with me:

" Despite how old we are, our parents are still a safety net. They can tell us what's what. Once that's gone, who's left? OMIGAWD, ME."

I really think you've discovered one of the core issues! ( I'm SO impressed! )Even though my parents didn't provide any guidance to speak of ( at least none that really helped me ), it's that feeling of only having yourself left that's so darn scary. Just knowing that my Mom was alive, still going despite all her ills, somehow gave me sustenance, hope, courage. And also at play in my own situation was a somewhat contrariness that kept me fighting for my own life, standards, morals, values, etc., in opposition to what my parents' views were....and now that I don't have anyone to sort of 'prove' myself to, I'm only left with MYSELF, as if it's the very first time I've ever had to stand on my own, two feet....but without any family to even be judging me and my actions, accomplishments or defeats.

Although this still begs the question: WHY is this such a scary notion? It certainly brings up feelings of aloneness, and I know why that's a frightening concept to me...but why should I be afraid of having no one to judge me? Very weird. Perhaps the Great Paul The Wise has some insight into this?

Edited February 22, 2006 by Maylissa

[Paul S]

To quote Maylissa: "Although this still begs the question: WHY is this such a scary notion? It certainly brings up feelings of aloneness, and I know why that's a frightening concept to me...but why should I be afraid of having no one to judge me? Very weird. Perhaps the Great Paul The Wise has some insight into this?"

Yumpin' Yiminy!! NO pressure, there, huh!!!

I think its a scary notion that despite how flawed and screwed up anyone's parents may be, there is still the ideal that they are/can be still/shoulda been always/ oracles of wisdom. Just an irrational comfort factor.

There's that ideal in that there's hope, or maybe just the fact that they're still around. (Or, as Maylissa may say, being Canadian, "Oot and aboot!" )

Eh?

Anyhow, maybe also the fear is, an again, regardless of how great or messed up our parents were, maybe they didn't teach us enough or there is still something to learn from them, (successes and misteaks) and now we definitely have to figure it all out by ourselves from now on.

And we have no one else to blame. (Although I never was one of those who blamed my parents for anything that was wrong with me. Maybe in weak moments, but overall I take full responsibility for any of my wierdnesses.)

Why you may be afraid how having no one to judge may lie in the (ideal) of the unconditional nature of a parent's love and the just or constructive judgement they can offer.

We're now one less removed from God. There isn't anyone standing between us and Him. (This isn't my thought, I got this from a grief book, I don't remember which.) This is regardles of what religion or spirituality one is, the depth or lack of we get from Mom and Dad.

I dunno, I'm running out of babblings. Oh, the pressure!!!!!

[Maylissa]

"Oot and aboot"???!!! Hey, we're not all Scotsmen here in Canada! EH? ( now that one's right on the mark! ) And where did you get that last Smiley from?!?! He's a winner! ( and I think he may actually BE Canadian, eh...he kinda looks like he's been out in a snowstorm too long - and no, our snow isn't green, but white, just like yours! )

Anyhoo, if you can't be a sage on your own all the time ( the pressure's off now ), borrowing from books is good, too. I glommed onto that one this time...."We're now one less removed from God. There isn't anyone standing between us and Him."...whoever said it! Yes, I think that's probably a good part of it - somehow feeling more exposed, as it were, and without any cushioning biases in our favour, OR even the familiarity of negative judgements, from our parent(s), to shield us from even our own view. I don't know...there's more to this, but I can't quite put my finger on it yet.

Unlike you, I DID blame my parents, for lots of things, and frankly, still do! However, unlike my 2 brothers, at the same time, I also did work to do things differently, with more awareness of how I was turning out along the way....I DIDN'T want to be like any of my family, if I could help it! So without their negative actions around to screw my present days up anymore, yes, now it's ALL up to me...no more excuses for even the slightest thing.

I wonder....does it take the death of our parents for some of us to finally, truly grow up? ( oh my goodness! I'm going to end again on another question! ) Run for the hills! This girl never stops thinking!

[Paul S]

Quoteth Maylissa (Paulski's emphasis added): "There isn't anyone standing between us and Him."...whoever said it! Yes, I think that's probably a good part of it - somehow feeling more exposed, as it were, and without any cushioning biases in our favour, OR even the familiarity of negative judgements, from our parent(s), to shield us from even our own view. I don't know...there's more to this, but I can't quite put my finger on it yet."

Methinks you've put your finger on it, or darn close.

Quoteth Maylissa, again: "I wonder....does it take the death of our parents for some of us to finally, truly grow up?"

Yuppers! It goes back, I think, to the "Adult Orphans" thing. We are now the Patriarch or Matriarch of a family. (Well, potentially, at least. The head of our little household, which, for me now, is just me. We are forced to assume more responsibility for our affairs since that safety net thing is gone, (regardless how useful it was).

Oot and aboot? Now, when I was back at Mom's house and had cable TV (gave it up. Can't afford it now, and will keep it off when I can afford it because its mostly all kaka for the $40-50/month extortion. When I can I plan to get a pooter with TV tuner and video card, and hi-speed ISP and watch selected TV that way. I think most of what I would watch is also available in webcasting.) the cable co had a CBC-TV station from Kingston, ONT. (Rarely watched except when the Olympics were on, cuz their coverage was ususlly better than the US network (Except the Summer '04 Games, the CBC commentators seemed to spend alot of their time whining about results, anyway. Curling is cool, too, I like that) I swear the CBC commentators, both the news people and sports (especially that hockey dude with the funky jackets and ties) always said "oot and aboot".

I hope that last paragraph made sense. A lot of digressions.

That smiley is findable if you click on 'show all'. He's called 'wacko' and is third up from the bottom.

Green snow?? Where'd that come from?

[Maylissa]

Well, this morning I was oot and aboot at the doc's, but was smiling inside all the way there, after having read your post before I left. All I can say is it must be those odd Easterners or something, cuz I've never heard any such accent out here ( the West )....except for our Newfoundlanders ( again, the East ), bless their unique, little souls! Most of us can't understand half of what they're sayin' , but they're interesting folks!

And oh yes, the guy in the outlandish clothes...an icon of hockey life here...Don Cherry - quite the character...although I never liked him, but only his dog, Blue ( a spunky, little Bull Terrier, who's been featured on a few ads...probably for beer, if I recall correctly ).

As for that Smiley, I had tried looking on the "Show All", but for some reason ( I think it's our firewall ) it won't even come up for me now. DARN! A whole other spectrum of expressions I can't use!

And I forgot to remark on your "Yumpin' Yiminy" choice of words -- good gawd! Does it never END?!, this uncanny wiring you seem to spark with my history?!?! My Mom used to use that one quite a bit...seeing as she was half Swedish, which she'd make round fun of on occasion ( I don't know why....it's the only part of my own ethnic Party Mix that I'm actually proud of! ).

All that aside, after re-feeling what I'd come up with before, I'm beginning to wonder if it might have either more to do with, or at least be a part of, the whole scary physical mortality thing. So not only is there only myself left, but this self is that much closer to that big, scary Unknown, too. And all I can say about that is, that other plane just better not be close to what my dreaming life is like, because if it is, it's no wonder the Unknown makes me quake in my boots!

[Paul S]

The Unknwown afterlife doesn't make me quake in my boots, maybe because I'm Catholic Christian and therefore its not too Unknown.

In fact, I yearn for it. Although I am over the feelings of suicide that were rampant back in Nov/Dec, I still pray that God calls me home. I try to reason that my purpose in life should be over now that Mom is gone, for it frequently seemd to me that my purpose was to care for her.

Unfortunately (in my just-a-little-bit-resentful-state-becuause-He-disagrees-with-me)in my prayers and meditations its apparent that there may be additional purposes left for me to fulfill.

You'd think with 6,500,000,000 people on this dirtball called Earth, He could find somebody else to take care of whatever it is.

But nnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

In an effort to bring this back to your topic, (I mean, mentioning Don Cherry anywhere off a hockey forum is proof that something's off-kilter. Although not a hockey fan, I thought he was...unique. If Don Cherry did not exist, there would still be a need for him.) I think that parents, if they instill some type of religious training in their kids, provide that moral framework by which the kidling can develop a worldview which may include a hope for the future. Even if the kidlet rejects the religion of their childhood, they may adopt another, and this gives them that framework to deal with the unknown. When the parents die off, the original or successor moral framework is shaken, and the hope for the future (unknown afterlife as we've pushed this topic towards) is temporarily shatterred. Thus the feeling that life is pointless.

My darling sister's oldest daughter is not raising her own daughter in any religion. She actually has the mind-boggling notion that that is irresponsible. The kid was baptized Catholic, but the parents divorced a couple years later, and no further religious training was done. The kid is way past the age for First Holy Communion, should be onto Penance by now. Anyway, the kid has already been in therapy once when her Dad announced he was marrying his new girlfriend, and after her greatgrandma (my Mom) died, exhibited neurotic tendencies. Her Mom doesn't know how to address issues such as the afterlife, and gives vague, ill-defined answers, which the kid probably knows is screwy. (Kids having good cowpatty detectors.) My darling sister apparently never really raised her kids Catholic, just put up a good facade all these years.

I dunno, just having a certitude about what's next is helping me overcome the life is pointless stuff.