Finding your purpose

[hollowheart]

I feel like it's so hard finding a purpose after a loss. I feel like I have no one that gets that. Most of my immediate family are retired, and I hate to say they have no purpose in life, but they are pretty much done trying to 'find themselves' so to speak or figure out what to do with their life. Their goals are getting up and watching TV.

I don't believe my life purpose was wrapped up in my sister, but I think I always looked ahead and saw us together and figuring out things together. She was slowly getting together financially so I was focused on getting my fiances in order for me and for her in that I wanted to be able to help her if she needed it--so I felt focus and purpose there. 

I also was intent on getting a car but was trying to do it without taking on a lot of debt so was looking into used but it was harder than I thought. Anyway, I didn't get a car in time for her. The car was a big thing because she liked to bargain shop and we did a lot of errands on the weekend and always dreamed of how convenient a car would be and how fun it would be to be out tooling around town going where ever we wanted and not having to get rides from other people. So now the car purpose is sorta not the same. Even if I do get a car it will be so depressing in not having her there to enjoy it with me.  So much of my life and happiness involved her. I just feel like I can't get on track with anything. And makes me feel very "what's the point?"

I just hate that everything comes back full circle to her and us.

 

[Mom's angel]

 

I can relate to you. It's so hard to lose someone who was like your other half, someone who understood everything about you. Life's so lost.

I also understand the thing about feeling depressed after getting a car because your sister's not with you.

I so wanted to finish the college and get a job because I wanted to give mom my first salary, my first earned money,

the thought that everything will happen accordingly just she'll not be here.. hurts.

You should hold on for yourself, for your sister, for those who loves you.. I'm doing the same for my father and brothers. 

Sorry, if I said something wrong.

[hollowheart]

Mom's Angel,

You didn't say anything wrong. I felt you understand where I was coming from. Just like you wanted to get your job and your focus was on having money to give to your mom, now that main focus is gone and a lot sadder now.

Another thing about the car, I rented one and side swiped the back of a parked UPS truck. It was scary although it was just a very minor fender bender. She was with me and I told her I was so happy she was with me. When I think of that I think of driving around alone and not having the safety of her by my side.

I'm a new driver and am still learning so it was nice to have her in the car even thought she wasn't a driver herself, it felt good to have her there.

I have no one that would want to just hop up and go out anytime like she would have, even if I did have a car, so I'll have to be going out by myself most of the time. I hate that thought.

[Littlesister001]

I understand how you feel. It's been two years since I lost my sister. She was my best friend, my other self. Since she was the closest in age to me of my other siblings, I never envisioned losing her before the others - or my mom. For the longest time I cried every time I went shopping because it was something we enjoyed doing together. After two years, the pain isn't as raw, but I still yearn for her. Although I try to be grateful for the time we did have together, and the extraordinary relationship we had, I still feel so empty inside. My husband is not much comfort to me. I don't think he will truly understand the magnitude of my loss unless he loses his twin brother or best friend, and I don't wish that on him. My brother-in-law started dating again in January and has found someone he cares about. She will never take the place of my sister, but she is very caring and understanding of the pain he's been through. He was so heartbroken after my sister died that I can't begrudge him entering a new phase in his life. But I feel like I am still left empty. 

[hollowheart]

Littlesister,

I certainly understand that yearning. I think my pain will always have a rawness to it because she was my only sibling and there is just no way around feeling or filling that emptiness. Not saying that just because you have other siblings she wasn't just as important, but I sometimes wonder if I'd be able to handle this better if I had others siblings to lean on.

I am glad that your brother in law found someone special in his life, and also great that you seem to like her too.

I'm sorry your husband is not so comforting. The one person you sorta expect to give you comfort. But I guess no matter who it is, if they don't understand your loss they just don't. I admit to not even wanting to think about understanding this type of loss, yet here I am struggling every minute. It's the absolute worse thing that has ever happened to me and I hate it with every fiber of my being. H A T E it.

When you mentioned the shopping thing I had to nod. It was a favorite of me and my sisters too. We did everything together as it was just the two of us. I just feel so lost and alone, I know she would not want me to feel so alone and sad, but I can't help it.

How are your other siblings handling it?

[Littlesister001]

My two brothers are doing fine. My other sister is really sad, but she didn't have the same bond that the two of us had. It was almost as if me and my sister who passed were in our own little world. It's hard to explain but in many ways we unintentionally shut the others out. 

[hollowheart]

Littlesister, I feel I do understand. I can see how some siblings can have stronger bonds with one over the others, especially as far as age differences. It's almost expected.

It sounds like the girls are struggling while the boys are bouncing back. And most of the time no one can understand because they don't have that closeness. I feel like no one can understand how this is so much worse for me. I know my parents lost a daughter and they had her before I did, but we spent so much more time together and had a special bond and lots of secrets between each other and just our own little world too that it sometimes makes me mad that people expect me to bounce back so fast or be "doing better" so soon.

A friend that disappeared for a couple of months emailed me asking how I"m doing. I told the truth, that it's a daily struggle and she just said 'hang in there' For some reason I wished she hadn't said anything at all. I want to not sound like a bitch about that as I know she probably doesn't know what to say, but this is devastating and life changing. Hang in there? Yeah, sure.

 

[Littlesister001]

Yes, I know what you mean. I told a friend I was feeling sad and depressed and she said, "well don't be." I wanted to say, "gee, why didn't I think of that" and then smack her. I know that most people don't know what to say and aren't purposefully being cruel. But when you're hurting, it sure would be nice if someone showed a little more care. 

[kayc]

Finding purpose after loss can be one of the most challenging things you'll face.  It took me a LONG time to.

[hollowheart]

Littlesister, Yes, I'm still running into people telling me to just 'stop being sad' in no certain words. Hearing that almost makes me go backward a few steps because it makes me feel like I'm not justified in being hurt over my loss. Like I just need to cut that out.

Kayc, not having a very clear direction of what I was doing before my loss certainly didn't help after it. Motivation is slooooowly creeping back, but grief attacks happen at any time and just seem to take everything away. I think that's something no one understands so when they see me down again they go 'oh you gotta pull yourself back up!" but it's not as simple as that. Those grief attacks are like boulders rolling over you.