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Becoming a Hermit


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So last week was a pretty rough week for me. I found out that student in my program, who sat directly across from me, had "died unexpectedly." I was devastated! Since my dad had died, I wasnt afraid to have conversations about death because I feel that we need to be able to talk about it but when I found out that this guy had passed away, I freaked out! He had passed about 3 days after finals. I put it in quotes because I completely believe that he had killed himself. He was one of those students that everyone else was afraid of or thought was weird. I talked to him because he was there and Hell, Im a little strange too so why not? He had later told us that he was going to kill himself after his mom died. My lab partner and I tried to talk to him but he was having none of it. I knew he was serious. He wasnt religious and his dad had killed himself when he was just 2 so its not like suicide was new to him. I knew he was serious but omg. Its just so sad to believe someone was that sad. 

Secondly, I gave myself a concussion feeding my dog. Funny if you ask me and not a sad event but wow! I had been watching my dog behave weird and finally took her to the vet and found out she had kidney failure. Oh it was awful. I cried hysterically since I knew we needed to put her down. Later, found out she had a seizure/cardiac arrest and was ready to go herself. We put her down on Christmas Eve. Very sad but its better and Im dealing with it okay.

The point of this post is that I just want to withdraw. Im feeling suffocated being around my mom, which makes me feel awful! And I just want to be with my thoughts. How do I grieve over my dad and my dog fairly? Im not really mourning over that student because I feel like this is better as he can get the help he needs now. I do plan on talking to my friends more and trying to prevent that sadness though. I had been watching a video about this guy who had lost his dad to cancer as well. He said not to pull inside yourself and sit with your thoughts because its rough that way. I kind of feel that its true but thinking those hard thoughts is how I deal with them. I am very good at "ignoring" things and just going until it catches up with me. Im just not sure how to handle this correctly. 

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I'm a little confused...you say the guy died unexpectedly, then that you believe he killed himself, then you go on to say  you're not mourning the student because you feel like it's better as he can get the help he needs now.  ???  How can he get help if he killed himself???  I feel like I missed something here!

I understand your wanting to withdraw, that's a normal part of grief process.  You lost your dad last year, then your dog now, and the dog's death brings up your dad's death, like stacked up instead of just one to deal with now, and it's a lot to process.  I would take the time I needed to assimilate it all, try not to worry about your mom too much, she will deal with her loss in her own way, but you need to deal with your loss in your way.  I hope you're still able to see your counselor, as your dog's death is undoubtedly bringing up feelings from your dad's death as well.

I'm sorry, Shari!  So much to have to deal with at such a young age! :(

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I apparently dont know how I feel lol sorry to laugh! Anyway, we were told that the student died unexpectedly and no one really knows how he died, other than his family of course, but we all suspect it. I really dont know how he died but I do believe he killed himself. He wasnt religious but now that he is gone, his soul is with God and he can help him. Thats what I meant but didnt articulate well! I cant listen to things and type apparently lol.

I just kind of feel bad because how do I mourn both?! You are right that they are both the same in many ways. Her passing was very much like my dads so that was very weird. I also told her that she could go, just like my dad did and the next day, she did! She had a seizure and cardiac arrest. She could of died then but we didnt have a DNR and I needed to say goodbye. 

Im just so surprised all this is happening?! I just feel weird! They dont tell you that this stuff happens when you are an adult! :huh:

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Unfortunately this stuff happens to kids too. :(  

When my mother in law was bedridden with cancer, it dragged on nearly three years and her body was shutting down, organ by organ, yet still she lived on.  We realized she was willing herself to live for some reason so we all gathered around her and told her how much we love her and let her make her peace and gave her permission to go.  That night she slipped into a coma and the next morning she died.  Sometimes people (or dogs) NEED us to give them permission to go, and be at peace.  You did the right thing.  You're very wise for your young years.

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Im glad you think Im wise but I feel like it was just a feeling that came. Same thing with my dad, it was just a feeling that overcame me. I feel like its from God or something. Its so painful giving them permission! I love that they wait though. My roommate things my dog waited for me to get home. In the prior months, I was worried I wasnt spending enough time with her and that she didnt know I loved her because the other dogs got jealous of her attention so she'd avoid coming over to me because they would growl at her. 

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The wisdom is listening to that inner intuition that perhaps God is planting in you. :)

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I love that! You know, a bottle of nail polish fell of my desk on Saturday but it was no where near the edge and I hadnt touched it in weeks. The first thing I thought was it was my dad. I told my mom today and she was like "Im telling you, he is with you." That and we lost a slide today at my clinical rotations and he is an ornery man. I definitely believe you when you say that lol I just hope doggy ghosts come visit too. Sometimes one of my other dogs looks like her from far away. She was the smallest one though. 

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