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3 hours ago, virgo_gal said:

 I wish there was a way where I could reach out to him and tell him how much I love him. It is hell living without him. 

Me too! Me too, and I fully know that hell. I just have these bizarre thoughts that she will be back. It's just so hard to live in this reality. Her phone is shut off now so I don't think any texts will go through. I haven't tried. I bought a new phone so I have all her messages in my old phone and I'm trying to figure out how to keep them.

It is unbearable living without her. I still am in shock. I get very angry that I didn't think and did not act better to try to save her life. We just kept waiting around and did nothing. How could we not expect the worse to happen if you do nothing? It's just so hard to know her life was in our hands and we failed her. We did nothing. That's on us.

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hollowheart,

I had responded to a couple of your posts in the other site.  Losing a sister, particular in you and my cases are even worse than losing a spouse.  My younger sister passed away almost five months ago, nothing has changed in our house - her medication remained the same way on the desk, her cell phone is still active, her towel is still on the rack.  Everything is in a time capsule. 

My yearning for my sister is even more intense and debilitating now than in the beginning. Simply put, I just got stuck in grief and in the process of developing complicated grief. I have done everything according to the books - nothing helps.  I do volunteer work to carry on my sister's compassion for people; I attend classes.  At the end of the day going home to an empty house without her presence is just harrowing and crippling.  Rolling on the floor wailing is no way to live and I have been doing it every single day!  I continue crying out to beg her not to leave and come back home.

Like you, I blamed myself for not being aggressive six years ago when she first had the symptoms.  She relied on me as her big sister and mother figure yet I failed to protect her.  The results? She passed away prematurely!  I could never, never forgive myself no matter what other people said.  She loved life, always had a smile on her face, extremely kind and polite to even strangers yet her life was cut short by me.

Both you and I are still in the early stage of grieving -  I hope the pain  will lessen further down the path.  I read a proverb saying " You can only go halfway into the darkest forest then you are coming out the other side".  Let's hope it is true.

Take care,

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Hope, thank you so very much for coming in and commenting. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack to find someone who feels just as I do. I'm glad that I found Virgo_Gal as well.  I definitely feel like you are I are very similar. I have a yearning for my sister that I just can't get rid of. Right before I read your post I was sitting here thinking about how I lost my best friend, how I have no one else in this world. Sure, I know people, but they are not my second half the way she was.

I feel like I have no life now as I used to do more on my own and also with her. We'd go out a lot and it was fun and that worked for us. Now, I don't want to go anywhere because I'd have to do it alone, and the few friends I do have don't have my interests and trying to schedule with them is like trying to see the president. It's more work than reward.  So, losing the convenience of having her to hang out with makes me angry, so I feel angry all the time. And talking to others makes me angry because they just give me the same speech about having to move on.

You are right about this grief being crippling. I have nothing to look forward to everyday. Each evening I'd stop by her place and sit and talk, we had plans every weekend. What do I have now?  Her apartment is still full of her things and I don't know where I fill find the strength to go in there and start sorting and putting things in storage.

I have some of her things, and also gifts she game me and they take on a whole new meaning now. I was the younger sister, but like you I was supposed to help her and save her like she would have done for me. I know I failed her and I just can't forgive myself. It had got to a point that she wasn't able to really talk and that was the end, because then it was all on me and I did nothing. She couldn't help herself and I didn't help her.

She was enjoying her life, she was young and she loved her job and was finishing school. It's just not fair she got sick. I can never stop blaming myself.

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Hope,
I am sorry for the loss of your sister.  You are still in the early stages of grief and it's intensity.  I hope someday you and HH are able to give yourselves permission to forgive yourselves for whatever you think you might have been able to have done to prevent the loss of your sisters.  It may take the guidance of a good grief counselor to bring your around to this.  As you say, this is no way too live.  I hope you give yourself permission to smile, to enjoy life as well as grieve...this grief journey is here to stay but it's well and good that it should evolve and not hold you in the same frozen spot.

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Thanks Kayc.

It has been a very bad, rough couple of days. I have not been very comfortable in my grief, if that makes sense. I walk around staring at the ground, unhappy and sad in my thoughts. It's just been awful. I also got into a show that I had been wanting to watch on Netflix, Nurse Jackie. And now I'm thinking a hospital show may not have been the best thing right now for me to watch.

I was looking at one episode and this old lady laying in bed not talking or moving, just mumbling and Jackie ran to her and figured out she was having a stroke and they called an ambulance. I was sitting there wanting to bawl my eyes out because that is what my sister was doing. In bed unable to talk and what did we do? Nothing. So I'm sitting there thinking, yeah, she was having a stroke too, I"m sure of it and we did nothing. She could have been rushed to the hospital and this could have had a completely different outcome. Watching that really fu**ed me up knowing that she was pretty much having the same medical issues as that lady and could have been saved. I just can't get past it. I just can't get past losing her.

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I go through the same feelings whenever I see or read about someone dying. Earlier, it was something which was only a part of the story, now we can actually relate to it.

Many times, I have heard people kid around with this word, randomly throw it on each other. I feel awful. I just feel like shouting and telling them that they know nothing about death. They do not have any idea about the grief, depression, guilt, anger or misery that comes with it. They are absolutely clueless.

I am having difficulty dealing with my sadness as well. There are times, when people actually catch me staring in space with a blank expression. Someone or the other always comes up to me to ask if I am alright. I give the same reply, I have been giving from the last 3 months - "I am fine."

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Virgo, I used to joke all the time about dying or death. Or I'd say something like "I was dying over that, it was so funny" In my head I still want to say it because I've been saying it for years, but now the word has a whole new meaning. Or if someone jokes about someone dying or something it does sting.

I used to do it in that manner so it doesn't hurt so much as they are not really laughing about someone actually dying. What gets me is when people actually make jokes about someone dying or they don't feel bad, even for a moment. I feel bad anytime I hear about anyone dying, and this was before my sister.

Oh and funny you mentioned your stock reply whenever anyone asks if you are OK. I have  had a couple of people at work ask me that when I'm looking or acting a certain way. If I say "It's a bad morning or a bad day" they will joke or say something like 'But the sun is out! it's Wednesday!' or something like that and it annoys me because I know they don't really want tohear the truth because that is awkward and uncomfortable for them.

Sure there could be other reasons I'm upset, but if I were anyone else I would assume it's still because of my loss. I have to learn to just say "I'm fine" and move on.

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Kayc,

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.  I had completed a full course of grief share and see a grief counselor once a week for the last four months.  On top of the professional help, my niece and nephew are professors at the University of California, Los Angeles's clinical neuropsychology department, my niece would spend two or three hours on the phone  with me  to help me walk through this painful journey.  People bend backwards to help me get back on my feet, my boss took me to his vineyard for a change of scenery; my other nephew invited me to join him to a Carribean criuise this coming April.  What I have done in return for their help and compassion? I sink further into the valley of despair.

I wake up crying, I go to bed crying. At a company meeting, I could not  even remember my phone number.  I  simply lose my ability to lead a marginally functional life. I think I begin to lose my mind and become insane.

My attachment to my sister is my fatal fault. My past, my present, and my future just vanished into thin air in one single instant. How can I fill this gaping hole in my heart?

Dealing  with profound sadness and tsunami waves of grief is harrowing.  I am just completely lost at the sea of sorrow and unable to find the shore.

HH and Virgo Gal, let's hope that someday we can find small joys again.

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Hope, you sound just like me. I didn't think I would find anyone else that felt such deep and agonizing pain over losing their sister. I am glad I met you. I don't think anyone I know knows what I go through. They just have no idea how horrible this is.

You mentioned how a lot of people around you are helping and really reaching out to you. That is wonderful and it is great that people have not forgotten you assume you are getting better. But you know why you continue to sink into that valley of despair? Because we both know there really is nothing they can do to erase this pain short of bringing your dear sister back.

I feel the exact same way. My sister had a good life insurance policy and my Mom is happy that we can use that money and said that I finally get a car. Well, I haven't touched the money. The car was supposed to be so both of us can tool around town. The money means nothing because of how I got it and that a car will be even sadder for me, even thought I really need one.

The cruise and the vineyard are great, but afterward you are right back to the world of darkness and despair. That's not being rude as far as returning their good gestures, it's just the reality.

I have a cousin that invites me out every now and then on the weekends (the weekends are really rough as that was when we spent most time together). I go out with her and am usually thinking about how I wish I was shopping with my sister. I also have to be polite and do what they want to do so it's not always enjoyable. I appreciate people's offers, but usually it just doesn't work. There is nothing that can ease our suffering.

You said a mouthful when you said your attachment to your sister is your fatal flaw. Yes, we lost so much in that moment. I think about things that only me and her did together. We spent so much time together that no one understands our relationship except me and her. That is lost. I am the only one that holds that key. I lost a future with her, growing old and seeing us both retire and be old ladies together.

Also, me being so close to her is my flaw. A part of me wishes I didn't care so this would be easier to handle. But I know I don't really want that. But living without her is unbearable. I am just existing right now. People tell me to live to honor her. I don't understand that. How can I enjoy a happy life without her and she is not here to enjoy her own? Where am I supposed to find this joy to live without her? My joy was living with her.

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It's like Marty said, some people are as close to their sister as others of us to our spouse, either way, it's that person that gets you, that person you connect with, that is your soulmate.  

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16 hours ago, TH said:

I don't have close friends, either - a few people who also knew R look out for me, but there is no one I can unload all my random thoughts on, bounce ideas off, share my frustrations, be SO close to. We talked all day long, knew each other inside out, and to be without that makes life feel so empty. My other closest friend vanished a few weeks after R died, when I said I was struggling badly... I just want to talk to R again, that's all. I feel scared for the future and what is to come, how I will cope.

This is me EXACTLY. Down to a T. It's like I wrote this. Especially the sharing random thoughts, bouncing idea, just all that. Me and my sister, Denise, I don't think I ever said her name here. Anyway, we talked all the time, everyday. We would text goofy stuff to each other. Basically, like you, that one valuable person in my life is gone and it does make life very empty. It's very hard going through life without at least one person that gets you. That's very lonely.

I don't talk to anyone. Well, you know little chit chat to people, but it's not like I did with her. So now I feel very bottled up. Like you, I also have a kinda close friend that vanished and only popped up after 3 months to say 'hang in there' and then she disappeared again. I don't have the energy to chase her down for comfort and I also feel angry that I have too.

 

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Even if there are people around, they listen to all this for a while and expect us to be normal afterwards. I mean, really? Will there ever be anything 'normal' for us?

I myself feel I am bottling up everything inside me, which I know is not the correct approach. I feel so exhausted, I do not even feel like writing much about it. But honestly, this place is the only outlet I have. Friends are there but not someone who knows me inside out or someone I can easily express myself too. It is hard to put into words what I really feel. What do I even tell anybody?

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Virgo, I feel the exact same way. I love this forum as it has helped me, but just like you said, constantly talking about this is also wearing me down. I also see my therapist and at times I don't want to because I don't feel like, yet again, talking about it. But here and my therapist are my own outlets. It is very draining and also depressing.

This forum helps, but unfortunately I can't hang out with people here all the time, and everyone here is also stuck in their own vicious cycle of grief and pain.  It's not even like I WANT to talk about my grief all the time, I just need and want to talk period. But I have no one else to just chit chat with. No one I know is available to me like she was.  I just get in bed with my ipad every evening. That is my life.

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I get what you're saying. When I lost my husband I felt a frantic need to talk but everyone seemed to disappear on me.  It's weird when their lives all go on like normal whereas everything about yours has changed.

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27 minutes ago, kayc said:

I get what you're saying. When I lost my husband I felt a frantic need to talk but everyone seemed to disappear on me.  It's weird when their lives all go on like normal whereas everything about yours has changed.

Yep, and I think it kinda drove me into an angry rage of sorts. It is a very weird and upsetting feeling. I used to be on facebook every day, reading and posting silly, fun things, or commenting on others posts. I'd do those goofy quizzes and stuff and post the answers. Now, nothing fun feels worth doing. Plus, I don't want to present this happy "I'm over it" person on facebook when that's not me at all.

Seeing others going on with their Everyday makes me angry, but I know that's not fair. It's like, I talked to my small group of friends, mostly through Facebook, but my Everyday was my sister so I wasn't worried about what anyone else was doing or worrying about them worrying about me. I had what I needed. And they all had what they needed. Losing her plunged me into this emptiness and that reality is mind numbing.

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27 minutes ago, TH said:

sometimes I just want to talk with R, the way we used to, about anything and everything. I used to have an interest in a lot of stuff, strong opinions on things, so many little things we'd chat about, and I feel like that's all vanishing because I wonder what the point is with no one to share it with. It's exhausting.

I know this all to well. This is what I struggle with the most and I think is what is making me so emotional and angry. Seeing others with someone to share with, going about their everyday hurts. My sister used to text me every morning too, she left for work around 5:15 or 5:30 am so sometimes her texts would wake me up. I had a friend that started texting me pretty early and I'd hear that text noise and think of my sister. It haunted me that it wasn't her. I so wished it was her instead of my friend, no offense to my friend.

There are so many things during the day I read or see that I want to bring up to my sister, but I can't. And there is no one else that would care and that makes me feel tense and angry.

When the shooting in Paris happened we would have been concerned and sad together. We always felt the sadness when tragedies like that happened. Now, I might tell a friend and I can tell they wonder why I care so much. That makes me feel lonely.

When you said what is the point about with no one to share it with, it made me think of our movie fun. We loved movies and I haven't watched any since she passed. We always got into the characters, worrying about them like we knew them. My friend doesn't get that.

If it was a horror movie we would freak out together over the deaths and murders, we loved gruesome stuff. I don't know anyone that likes horror movies. Watching movies now feels very what's the point with no one to hear feedback from or discuss with. Just me and the movie. Constantly reminds me she's gone and how lonely I am. I'm slowly moving back to doing that because I have no joy in my life right now, but it's hard when everything reminds me of her.

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TH, we were the exact same way with TV shows! We'd dissect them and movies too. After a movie we'd ask each other "so what did you think?" Movies weren't just a movie to watch and move on, we really got into it and the characters and the story line. It feels empty watching them alone and even emptier watching them with people who think it's silly to care so deeply about movie characters. 

Also, I'm bad at following complicated plots, like espionage or really talky movies, and she would explain the plot or what people meant and I wouldn't feel embarrassed about not following the story. I have no one I can do that with or no one that I'd feel comfortable with doing it with. 

If we watched an episode of something before the other we'd be like 'Oh wait until you see this episode" and we'd watch together and the other one would be waiting for the reaction from the other we knew was coming because we knew each other so well. It was fun.. 

What I"m angry about is never telling her how happy I felt hanging around her. I know sometimes we'd be out together and I just randomly felt like hugging her because I felt so happy and comfortable. ITtwas weird, lol. But we definitely argued and annoyed each other too. Man, I miss her. 

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HH,

I used to like it when my son lived here and could explain complicated plots to me.  Now I have to get it...or not. :)

Somehow I think your sister knows what she means to you.

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TH, I'm introverted too and I knew I could always ask my dumb, embarrassing questions to my sister and she would answer them or even look up the answer for me. There aren't to many other people I can do that with without them making me feel embarrassed that I don't already know the answer. The comfortable feeling I had with her is something I miss so much.

All the future interactions with her is something that is very hard to deal with. Also, just all the general things I see and do and deal with everyday and have no one to relax and unwind with at the end of the day when I used to have that is very hard to deal with too.

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