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I am having a horrible day today. I just can't get myself together. The last few nights I've been dreaming about my mother, but last night I didn't. So I woke up this morning feeling hurt, angry, abandoned, depressed, sad. And I did not want to get out of bed. This whole day has been horrible. I went to the gravesite and just screamed my lungs out, till I felt like I was going to pass out. My mom was all we had....and now she's gone. I'm so angry ! Words can't express what I'm feeling. There's no word in the world that can sum up all the *excruiciating pain and hurt* I feel. I find myself avoiding everyone and giving everyone the mean eye to avoid me. Get out of my way, leave me alone. I've started a hunger strike and find myself crying and driving at high speeds. I just can't take it no more. So if you see me on the road.....I'm sorry...

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I find myself avoiding everyone and giving everyone the mean eye to avoid me. Get out of my way, leave me alone. I've started a hunger strike and find myself crying and driving at high speeds. I just can't take it no more. So if you see me on the road.....I'm sorry...

My dear Shubom,

I'm so very sorry that you have lost both your parents, and I cannot imagine the depth of your sorrow, pain and anger. I would not for a moment take those feelings away from you, because they are legitimate, justified and completely understandable.

I am concerned, however, with how you may be managing those feelings, particularly when you say that you are engaging in risky behavior such as starting a "hunger strike" and "driving at high speeds." Feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad -- they just are, and we cannot always control how we feel -- most especially when we are in the throes of acute grief. But there is a vast difference between what we are feeling and what we choose to do with those feelings, and we do have a choice about how we behave.

If you really believe that you are losing control over your behavior (not your feelings), if you feel as if you are a danger to yourself (as in starving yourself) or a danger to others (as in driving recklessly and putting yourself and others on the highway at risk), then I urge you to seek professional help at once.

That said, I want to emphasize that feeling anger and outrage that your parents have been taken from you is a normal reaction, because it is indeed an outrageous thing that's happened to you, and it's only human that you would rage against such an injustice! You see, when you simply acknowledge feelings of anger to yourself or to a trusted other (or in a safe and caring forum such as this one)without actually doing anything about them, no harm is done, to you or to anyone else.

On the other hand, if your anger is suppressed and held on to, eventually you could erupt like a volcano -- or you could internalize it and take it out on yourself. You could also misdirect your anger toward innocent others, such as family, friends and co-workers. As I've written in my book, Finding Your Way through Grief, anger is a powerful emotion that can be frightening. But feeling angry doesn't necessarily imply that you will lose control or take your anger out unfairly on others. You have several other options. If you think of anger as raw energy, you will think of ways to discharge that energy in appropriate, non-destructive ways that will bring no harm to yourself, to others or to anybody's property. Find a safe place, space, activity and time where you can let your anger out (through physical exercise, hobbies and crafts, music, writing, talking with someone you trust who won't judge you, asking others for support rather than expecting them to know what you need from them, etc.)

As I think you've already discovered, pounding out your anger on your computer keyboard can be an extremely helpful and appropriate way to discharge some of that energy. This board is here for you to do just that, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Use it to rid yourself of some of that rage. You will be harming no one, and there is not a person here who will judge you for doing it.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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  • 2 weeks later...

marty is SO right. find a constructive way to channel your anger and your grief, but not in such a way that it puts you and others around you at risk or in harm's way.

very difficult i know. all those feelings are what HAS to come out. you need to vent very unhealthy to hold it in or as she said, you'll explode like a volcano.

clean, cook, do hobbies, cry and scream in your own house where you have privacy, but don't start throwing the china! find a new hobby or take up an old one. writing a diary has helped me alot also.

oh i DO so feel for you having gone through this myself. it is the single hardest thing in the world to have to cope with, and it's like the sun has set on your life forever. but it hasn't.

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Guest Guest_Shubom_*

Thanks Shell, Maureen,

For your words of encouragement and ways to get these feelings of grief out.

Sometimes I find myself at work just staring and remembering and the next thing you know I'm out the door taking a walk. I try to deal with my feelings as they come out, but sometimes it's so hard because they are so overwhelming. It's really hard. It's worst in the mornings when I wake up and realize she's not there or that I didn't dream about her. Feels like she abandoned me again and again and again.....I'll have to get one of those punching bags. :)

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I think the one word that keeps coming up with all of us is: overwhelming. I think that is the hardest part, feeling you have no control over your emotions. And none of us do. It IS hard. You're right about just trying to cope as it comes along. That's all I've been able to do...one moment at a time.

Hang in there!


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