Day 313

[Allison]

This is my first post, very new to this online group thing.  Lost my amazing, beautiful, wonderful 41 yr old husband on February 23rd 2015. 

Wondering if I will ever wake up and not remember how many days it's been.

Wondering if I will ever make it through an entire day without crying. 

Wondering if the new me is someone that my old friends are still going to love. 

Wondering if I will ever un-see what I saw in the hospital. 

Wondering why this happened-to us- when all we asked for was to be allowed to love each other in our own little corner of this world. 

Wondering how I will survive.  I know I will, just unsure HOW.

[Margm]

"Wondering if I will ever un-see what I saw in the hospital."  Allison, it has been 11 weeks today for me.  For days after seeing him "gone," and I have trouble saying the real word, I would have to shake my head and say "no, no, no, no," over and over.  I could not un-see it.  But, seeing it harms me terribly, so now actually, I don't see it as much.  But, I cannot totally un-see it.  He left me.  I dozed off for just minutes and he left me, and my last emotion with him was anger because he was giving up.  They had told us months.  This was not months, this was days, only five weeks.  He could not leave, I was going to save him.  He could not give up.  I was going to have a miracle.  But, leave me he did, I was not holding him, and he loved to be held.  I cannot undo anything.  He is gone and it is still unreal.  So, actually, "un" describes everything.  Now I have an un-life.  But, he had said that the one left must stay.  I did not want to stay.  I had 54 years with him.  How could I be so selfish that I wanted more?  Well, I am that selfish.  I feel so much for you.  I have my widow friends.  That is the only good thing, and it certainly is not a good thing, but we were married so long that many of my friends had lost their husbands also.  Now, they help me walk down this lonely path.  The only un we cannot do is un-exist.  We have to keep on keeping on, turning the pages, reading another chapter to our pitiful un-life.  My friends tell me it gets easier.  My neighbor, who lost her husband four years ago, she had a bad day yesterday, but she held me up today.  And, I believe that is what this forum is for, to hold us up when we stagger down this path.  We are all struggling and we will struggle with you too.  In my ancient memory is the song of Buddy Holly.  "The sun is out, the sky is blue, there's not a cloud to spoil the view, but...............it's raining, raining in my heart."  We just have to reach for that sunshine.  It is hard.  We have to hope, one day it will be easier.

[WolfsKat]

22 minutes ago, Allison said:

This is my first post, very new to this online group thing.  Lost my amazing, beautiful, wonderful 41 yr old husband on February 23rd 2015. 

Wondering if I will ever wake up and not remember how many days it's been.

Wondering if I will ever make it through an entire day without crying. 

Wondering if the new me is someone that my old friends are still going to love. 

Wondering if I will ever un-see what I saw in the hospital. 

Wondering why this happened-to us- when all we asked for was to be allowed to love each other in our own little corner of this world. 

Wondering how I will survive.  I know I will, just unsure HOW.

Allison......I am so very sorry that you have had this happen.....I "get" all you posted, especially the part about WHY this happened, when all you wanted was to be allowed to love each other....I've said the same, almost verbatim! It is so very difficult to know we will survive.....but in a reality we hate, one without our beloved husband.  I'm still pretty "new".....but I can affirm that this is a good source of comfort, and help....it is literally one of the few things keeping me relatively sane, coming here and learning from many wonderful people also on this nightmare of a journey. Although I wish you had no reason to be here.....welcome.

[kevin]

Allison, welcome. If you lasted  313 days you are doing pretty good ,I had to do a recount on days yesterday.....so I take that as a good sign.........I tear up a bit everyday and most people do, can't get the scrapebook going it is just too hard, that Hospital scene will always be with you, many people regret they were not allowed or whisked away, both are memories forever, the "why us" question has no answer, good people and so young, good question, and we will all survive because our spouses expect us to.......My words are to offer encouragement because this sight works and the members are fantastic......good health in the new year.....

[Guest]

Allison 

Welcome and know you are at the right place.  You wonder as I wonder.  It is so hard to see a future right now and it is so hard to look back.  I can sometimes but other times it is disastrous. I wonder if when I think of Deedo whether I will ever think of the pre-cancer Deedo first.  I hope you have found a good grief counselor.  They can be angels.  Again Welcome and please know how sorry I feel that you have a cause to be here.  I really do wish you and all of us had been allowed to love our dear ones in our own little corner of the world.

[kayc]

Allison,

I'm sorry you lost your husband, esp. so young.  Try to take a day at a time and not look at the whole rest of your life.  It helps to express what you're feeling, and this is a good safe place to do that.  Try to take care of yourself, eat something healthy, drink lots of water, take walks...it gives you the best possible chance for clarity and right now, all the help with that is needed!  Meditation helps too, it may be hard right now, but maybe start with short ones, we have a spot for that in the tools section.

[scba]

18 hours ago, Allison said:

This is my first post, very new to this online group thing.  Lost my amazing, beautiful, wonderful 41 yr old husband on February 23rd 2015. 

Wondering if I will ever wake up and not remember how many days it's been.

Wondering if I will ever make it through an entire day without crying. 

Wondering if the new me is someone that my old friends are still going to love. 

Wondering if I will ever un-see what I saw in the hospital. 

Wondering why this happened-to us- when all we asked for was to be allowed to love each other in our own little corner of this world. 

Wondering how I will survive.  I know I will, just unsure HOW.

Dear Alison,

I'm sorry for your loss. As everybody says, take one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other and be kind to yourself. I would like to tell you my experience: I'm at 1 year and 3 months, very early, in MY experience is that the pain will lessen, a whole day without crying will arrive, the new you will still be loved by those who truly care about you, The images from the hospital that are hunting you will lessen its destroying effect. These three things have happened to me but with time and with pain in the middle.

The why us and all my questions that have no answer, still have no answer. I have struggled until the edge of reason to find them with no success and I quit because not finding them were hurting my soul, and for the same result: no answer at all. I've surrendered, I've no clue about "why". I don't understand God. 

How you will survive....it's a long road and the how is very personal but I hope you will find yours.

 

[Allison]

19 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

Allison......I am so very sorry that you have had this happen.....I "get" all you posted, especially the part about WHY this happened, when all you wanted was to be allowed to love each other....I've said the same, almost verbatim! It is so very difficult to know we will survive.....but in a reality we hate, one without our beloved husband.  I'm still pretty "new".....but I can affirm that this is a good source of comfort, and help....it is literally one of the few things keeping me relatively sane, coming here and learning from many wonderful people also on this nightmare of a journey. Although I wish you had no reason to be here.....welcome.

 

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

"Wondering if I will ever un-see what I saw in the hospital."  Allison, it has been 11 weeks today for me.  For days after seeing him "gone," and I have trouble saying the real word, I would have to shake my head and say "no, no, no, no," over and over.  I could not un-see it.  But, seeing it harms me terribly, so now actually, I don't see it as much.  But, I cannot totally un-see it.  He left me.  I dozed off for just minutes and he left me, and my last emotion with him was anger because he was giving up.  They had told us months.  This was not months, this was days, only five weeks.  He could not leave, I was going to save him.  He could not give up.  I was going to have a miracle.  But, leave me he did, I was not holding him, and he loved to be held.  I cannot undo anything.  He is gone and it is still unreal.  So, actually, "un" describes everything.  Now I have an un-life.  But, he had said that the one left must stay.  I did not want to stay.  I had 54 years with him.  How could I be so selfish that I wanted more?  Well, I am that selfish.  I feel so much for you.  I have my widow friends.  That is the only good thing, and it certainly is not a good thing, but we were married so long that many of my friends had lost their husbands also.  Now, they help me walk down this lonely path.  The only un we cannot do is un-exist.  We have to keep on keeping on, turning the pages, reading another chapter to our pitiful un-life.  My friends tell me it gets easier.  My neighbor, who lost her husband four years ago, she had a bad day yesterday, but she held me up today.  And, I believe that is what this forum is for, to hold us up when we stagger down this path.  We are all struggling and we will struggle with you too.  In my ancient memory is the song of Buddy Holly.  "The sun is out, the sky is blue, there's not a cloud to spoil the view, but...............it's raining, raining in my heart."  We just have to reach for that sunshine.  It is hard.  We have to hope, one day it will be easier.

Marg,  thank you so much for your kind words. It is such a crazy, trippy ride.

I remember just sitting there saying "no" as well.  Just....no.

I think the fact that Jason and I  were so young just makes everything seem so backwards.  All of the "old timers" in the family make comments such as "she's young, she'll find another husband".  As I this happened and now we move on while I still have "time" to have a normal life.  Sigh. I withdraw from them because that is not what I want- or need- to hear.  You are not selfish.  And so what if you were? You were blessed with 54 years, obviously something was working.  Why wouldn't you want more?

But thank you again....for your response and support

[Allison]

19 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

Allison......I am so very sorry that you have had this happen.....I "get" all you posted, especially the part about WHY this happened, when all you wanted was to be allowed to love each other....I've said the same, almost verbatim! It is so very difficult to know we will survive.....but in a reality we hate, one without our beloved husband.  I'm still pretty "new".....but I can affirm that this is a good source of comfort, and help....it is literally one of the few things keeping me relatively sane, coming here and learning from many wonderful people also on this nightmare of a journey. Although I wish you had no reason to be here.....welcome.

Thank you!

[Allison]

9 hours ago, Brad said:

Allison 

Welcome and know you are at the right place.  You wonder as I wonder.  It is so hard to see a future right now and it is so hard to look back.  I can sometimes but other times it is disastrous. I wonder if when I think of Deedo whether I will ever think of the pre-cancer Deedo first.  I hope you have found a good grief counselor.  They can be angels.  Again Welcome and please know how sorry I feel that you have a cause to be here.  I really do wish you and all of us had been allowed to love our dear ones in our own little corner of the world.

Hi Brad,

Thank you.

I have been seeing a grief counselor since April 1st and she has been amazing.  I am joining a Grief Share group next week as well.  My husband had a stomach ache.  Just a stomach ache.  Went into the hospital on the 15th, they told him it was gastric cancer on the 18th and he suffered a cardiac event on the 23rd.  The Dr, called it a "fluke"  but that I will someday see it as a blessing, as he did not have to suffer through cancer. 

Still sucks though. Still really really sucks.

[Guest]

Allison - 

I colleague of mine lost his wife to a stroke.  She lasted five days before dying.  My initial reaction was how fortunate he was not to have to watch her die bit by bit and piece by piece.  Since then I've come to realize that death is death and we determine what are blessings and what are curses.  Granted, my wife's death was very hard on both me and our daughter, but at the same time it gave us time to say things and share things preparing for the inevitable.  Deedo was also able to prepare and leave behind treasures that are so truly Deedo.  A quicker death would not have allowed for that.  To lose your husband so soon and to have to process so much in such a short time is devastating.  The doctor is right because he and you did not have to suffer for a long period of time but then there is no such thing as better way to die and leave a loved one behind.  We still have to find a way through grief.

I'm glad you have a strong support system and I pray that it is as effective for you as I feel mine is for me.  While I am still wallowing in my grief I strongly believe I would be in far worse shape without mine.

And truer words were never spoken:

"Still sucks though. Still really really sucks."

[Margm]

I saw my father and Billy's father suffer through years of cancer.  I will not go into their months of this because so many of you went through the same thing.  Billy went so fast all I could do was tell him each night that "you know I cannot live without you" and he would say "yeah.."  He had one bad night, his last night, and they allowed me to pop the morphine I had brought along with me.  I would have done it whether they let me or not.  I did not want to let him go.  But, in retrospect, did I want to see him suffer like our fathers did.  I wanted to keep him forever, and I am so selfish, but I did not want him to hurt, ever.  And to think, March of 2014, he had to face two weeks of my dying.  He had to prepare in his mind my dying.  I had another  miracle, my second, and I lived despite all odds.  And, that is why he told me "one has to stay."  And right now all that goes through my head is the old saying "Life's a bitch and then you die."  Hold on folks, we have to stay.  It has got to get easier.  It has to.

[Gwenivere]

On January 3, 2016 at 8:55 PM, Allison said:

Wondering if I will ever make it through an entire day without crying. 

Wondering if the new me is someone that my old friends are still going to love. 

Wondering if I will ever un-see what I saw in the hospital. 

Wondering why this happened-to us- when all we asked for was to be allowed to love each other in our own little corner of this world. 

Wondering how I will survive.  I know I will, just unsure HOW.

These are the very things I wonder about too.  The hospital and friends I have managed to gain some mental control over, but only some.  The others haunt me.  You phrased it so well...why weren't we allowed to be left in peace living our life?  His to survive?   That is a challenge I wake up to everyday.  The count of tears shed among us all has to be incomprehensible.  I'm so sorry you are here, like us all.  But the people here will all understand the understandable.  A true treasure.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

right now all that goes through my head is the old saying "Life's a bitch and then you die."  Hold on folks, we have to stay.  It has got to get easier.  It has to.

Wow, I bought a coffee mug about 30 years at with that saying because I found it humorous.  Used the term a lot over the years until it started to come true.  Still have it.  Obviously rethinking that phrase.

Can we count on you being right this gets better?  :-)

 

 

[Margm]

Well Gwen, I am going to count them off:  Hettie, Robbie, Gloria, Wanda, Terri, Sandra, Bonnie, and I know I have left off someone important.  Gloria at 17 years still takes her husband's urn when she goes on family trips, reunions. Wanda at about seven years takes helium balloons with messages in them to the cemetery with her kids and grandkids to release messages to her husband in heaven.  Hettie, at four years widowhood, still has a bad day ever so often.  I ask her if she is afraid living in that huge split level home of hers on her own.  She says "no."  Robbie, (Billy and I got her and her first husband together), he passed, she remarried and he is barely hanging on.  Terri's husband left in December after a very tough time.  Terri just joined a health club, weight lifting, etc.  But, they all tell me it gets easier.  My mom stayed angry at my dad for years, I never saw the grief.  Anger is an emotion too.  I have them all telling me it gets easier.  These are all good, kind, Christian women, I do not think they would lie to me.  So yes fellow sufferers, it is supposed to get easier, but right now at 11 weeks and 1 day, it does not feel so good.  But, I have hope, we all have to have hope.  We have got to turn that page and maybe even go to the next chapter, but it sure ain't easy, is it?

[Guest Janka]

Dear Allison!

I´m very sorry that you must be here with us,but this is the best place that you can be in now.I hope that you´ll find much needed comfort and support here with those people who really understand what you´re going through,as we all know the worst loss of our dearest ones crying over by now.

Please take care and write us whenever you want to talk to.

Hugs from Janka

[iPraiseHim]

Day 327. I came home and found that my wife passed while I was at work on February 16th. 2015.  It was unexpected.  She had some medical issues but her sudden death was totally unexpected.  Welcome to the group. The grief journey we travel is the result of having loved deeply and profoundly.  This group helps immensely to be able to share what is in your head and heart and to validate that even with our extreme loss we are not alone.  Shalom

[Froggie4635]

Alison,

I am very sorry that it is necessary for you to have to be a part of our "group", but it is a very good place to come at those times when we question, when we hurt, when we are afraid, when we are angry.  I also lost my husband suddenly, and if affects every aspect of my grief.  Just this morning, as I was writing in my journal, I found myself writing about the things that I am not going to be able to share with Mark; one of the things I guess I am wanting to be thankful for is that I won't ever see him struggling with getting old and dealing with not being able to do the things he used to.  I no longer immediately think of that morning in the ER, and walking in to see his body.  I guess I can count that as a blessing, too.  I have had a rough few days; my dog Hannah (my middle child) has not been herself, and Thursday it looked like it was getting worse, so I had to take her to the vet yesterday morning, exhausted after a night of barely any sleep.  I called out to Mark numerous times because it is so hard handling this alone.  It turned out to not be serious; she has a sprained tail (yes, it is a real ailment).  I made it  through this crisis and didn't fall apart.  I wouldn't have been able to say that early on in my grief.  We do get better, stronger and find a way to make it through and survive.  I survived my first year (although I don't really remember a lot of it), but survived none the less.  I still continue to take it day by day, but find the days not so heavy. Be kind to yourself is the best advice I can give.

[WolfsKat]

On ‎1‎/‎4‎/‎2016 at 2:18 AM, Marg M said:

We have got to turn that page and maybe even go to the next chapter, but it sure ain't easy, is it?

Most definitely NO!!!!  This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life!  But will try to have a few good chapters written before the end of "my book".

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

one of the things I guess I am wanting to be thankful for is that I won't ever see him struggling with getting old and dealing with not being able to do the things he used to. 

Maryanne -

I think aboout this as well.  Right now I have three couples I know where the wives are dealing with their husbands who are in different stages of dementia.  I see how difficult it is on each of them trying to fight a long, losing, battle.  Additionally I know another couple where he has advanced glaucoma and she has onset of Parkinson's Disease and just learned she has glaucoma as well.  And then there are the couples where the wive's are dealing with cancer.  They are both in that three month waiting for the next scan mode; trying to be hopeful but fearing the other shoe will fall.  At least for us the worst is over whereas for them the worst is still looming on the horizon.  I am thankful for that.

[Margm]

One of my friends (my age) fought through years of prostate cancer surgery, tests, scans, treatments for her husband, also around my age.  I thought things were smooth sailing for her now that he is supposed to be cancer free.  But, through the trials and tribulations he has developed dementia so bad she cannot leave him alone.  My cousin's husband has begun to show these signs and she is afraid to let him drive.  Billy tickled me by asking one time (not long ago) if I worried about his "facilities."  No, I never worried about that, but toward the last some things happened that now I am questioning.  Maybe he was afraid for his faculties.  Some of the things he said and did now make me wonder.  No need to wonder though, it is definitely not a problem with him anymore.  Just like the aneurysm, that they said he had had for quite awhile, I wonder how much that played with his faculties.  My faculties and facilities also could be in question.   Definitely right at this time.

[kayc]

I have two sisters that appear to be starting dementia and have encouraged them to see their doctors while something can still be done.  One has a caregiver (she's quadrilplegic) and she is going to bring some things to the doctor's attention.  The other sister chooses to ignore whatever is going on, she says she's ready to go.  Sometimes we don't like how someone else chooses to handle something (or not) but have to accept that it's their choice to make.  My mom and uncle died with dementia and I have another uncle that has it.  It's very tough!  Fortunately they all have someone who will look after them and get help when they need it.  It scares me that I live alone and have no such person to help me, but I guess if it comes to that, someone will have to step up to the plate for me.  Fortunately I am not showing signs of it yet.

[Guest Janka]

On ‎4‎.‎1‎.‎2016 at 10:50 AM, TH said:

Allison, I'm new here also. I'm not so far along as you, nearly at 5 months, but similar thoughts run through my head. The suddenness is so hard to deal with. My R had cystic fibrosis his whole life but there was such a quick turn from stability to the end... I will never forget watching him breathe and willing him to take another, just another. It sounds like you have a good support system, so just keep taking it a day at a time and be kind to yourself. I'm sorry you have to be here too, but it's an understanding place.

Dear TH,

I know what you´re talking about.I saw my father dying in front of me.He couldn´t breathe without oxygen unit.I´m sure that he,a few seconds before,saw someone not being from this world,because he was looking at the same place next to me,giving oxygen unit away from him,blessing three times and then he died.I was only 22 y.o.He died from the gullet cancer.

With love Janka

[Margm]

I'm sorry Janka.  Saw my father die a terrible death also, and I think many have.  They cured my cancer, but the cure came close to killing me 32 years later.  So much suffering our people go through.  

[Guest Janka]

7 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I'm sorry Janka.  Saw my father die a terrible death also, and I think many have.  They cured my cancer, but the cure came close to killing me 32 years later.  So much suffering our people go through.  

Dearest Margaret,

the death of my father was terrible experience in my life,but honestly,it´s only a grain of sand as compared with all the desert after my beloved man died.It´s the hardest and the worst wound of my whole life.My beloved Jan is everything for me!

           Janka