Lost My Beautiful Girlfriend

[Darrell]

Hi, I'm new to the forum. I'm here for another outlet... Although I have support from friends and family, I think getting support from people who have already gone through something similar will help me a little more. I've shed a million tears over the past several days, and I have no doubt I'll shed a million more in the coming days. 

On New Year's Eve, I lost my girlfriend... She suffered from a rare genetic heart disorder (1 in a million people have it). It's called Familial Hypercholesterolemia. 1 in 500 people have the heterozygous form, while 1 in a million have the worse, homozygous form... Andrea was unfortunate and had the homozygous form. 

On December 16th, Andrea suffered a mild heart attack... On the 21st, she had an angio to get a better idea of what was going on. They determined that she needed a triple bypass and valve replacement, and that was done on Dec 29th. She seemed to be doing well, but then had complications and passed away on Dec 31st. 

I feel so many emotions right now. I'm sad, because I've lost my best friend of 8 years... Everyone said we were the exact same person, and we were the perfect match, and we were. We shared so many common interests, it was crazy. In the future, whenever I do anything, I'll be reminded of her, because we did everything together. This is good and bad... I want to remember her, but I fear that I'll never be able to get back to normal if everything I do reminds me of her. 

I feel guilt... She fought so hard for what most people take for granted. She just wanted to live a normal life, but couldn't. Leading up to her surgery, I convinced her and myself that she would be OK... That this surgery would help her become a new woman... The woman who she wanted to be. That didn't happen, and although I know I had no control over it, I feel guilt for convincing her that everything was going to be OK. 

I feel scared and confused... Everything has changed so quickly... My whole world has been turned upside down. I don't know how I'm going to rebuild my life right now, without being with her.  

I can't believe she's gone, this just doesn't seem real.

Darrell

[Guest]

Darrell

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so fresh and so new.  First you need to know that any and all emotions you feel are a normal part of grieving.  You have a huge void in your life now and it will take a lifetime to fill.  You and Andrea had the kind of relationship that is so very hard to find.  Regarding  your guilt you really need to let that go as quickly as possible.  Know that everything you did, you did out of love and compassion for Andrea.  Decisions that were made, were made with love and the best information you had at the time.  And as callous as this sounds, I apologize for it, if you had done things differently that does not mean the outcome would have changed.  Right now you need to be your best friend and forgive yourself because you really have nothing to feel guilty about.  

Being scared and confused is all normal.  I lost my wife 158 days ago and one reason I am here is to help deal with my fears and confusions.  For thirty-seven years I was part of BradnDeedo.  We were two living as one.  I was so codependent on my wife, now I'm needing to reestablish myself as an individual and I'm not sure how to do that.  It was so much easier in my early twenties.  Your world will be so surreal and confusing.  I frequently feel as if I am stuck in someone else's life.  This is what happens to others; not to Deedo and myself.  

I would recommend you find a good grief counselor.  Hospice of the Valley, if available in your area, offers wonderful support services.  You will want to find someone you can talk to who will be a compassionate listener.  

Best wishes and my sincere condolences.  Come here often as this discussion group is full of people who understand because they are going through it themselves.

Brad

[Margm]

Darrell, you have come to the right place.  I wrote after Billy had been gone for three days.  I was drowning in emotions I had never come upon.  My friends (I guess I am fortunate to be elderly), anyhow, my friends had walked this narrow path that we can actually only walk alone.  They said it would get easier.  I did not believe them..  Billy has been gone for `11 weeks now and I still cannot believe it.  I was looking to his side of the bed each morning and saying "Okay, your gone, your never coming back."  My friend who lost her husband only months before that told me never to do that again.  Each morning look to his side of the bed and say "you will always be with me, you are always in my heart."  We always said I am you, you are me.  And, that is how it is.  I hope your days get easier.  There are no promises on this path though, but such pain has to be carried, and we can hope it will get easier.  You have come to the right place.  And guilt is with all of us, for some reason or the other.  Maybe because we live and they did not.  

[kayc]

Darrell,

I am so sorry for your loss!  So young too, life is just very unfair sometimes.  My husband had just turned 51 when he died of a heart attack, we'd only been married 3 years, 8 months, had only known each other 6 1/2 years.  We were soulmates, the perfect match, so I understand what you mean when you speak of your girlfriend.

Try to live in the present day as much as possible and not think about the rest of your life, time enough to deal with that, today has enough of it's own.  Also try to take care of yourself physically, eat healthy, drink enough water, take walks, it helps your brain function and you're going to need all the help with that you can get.  Focus in the beginning can be very hard.  It does help to express yourself and you've found a safe, understanding, caring place to do that.  We'll be here to walk this journey with you if you want us to.

As was already suggested, I hope you will get a good grief counselor, they're trained to help you navigate through this muddle of grief that can easily feel overwhelming.  Try to avoid alcohol as it's a depressant, and not what you need right now.  This will be the hardest journey you've ever embarked on, but if we can survive, with each other's help, you can too.

[Guest Janka]

Dear Darrell!

I´m very sorry for your precious loss and everything you have to go through!We all are in the same boat and here for you whenever you need to talk to.I know how horrible pain it is,but you´re not alone.Please,take care!

Hugs from Janka

[scba]

Dear Darrell, I'm very sorry for your loss. I can relate with your story very much. 

Take one day at a time, right know you cannot deal with the thought of the future and the memories. It's too hard. It's too soon. 

With time, in fact with a lot of time (and therapy) I understood that feeling hope against the odds that my soulmate would survive the surgery was the best attitude for him. No goodbyes were said before going to the hospital, no tears, no scenes of despair, no plan B in case he died. I didn't even say "I love you". I was so sure, he was so sure, everybody on the waiting room were sure of success. We were so close to his recovery, to the begining of a new life with his health restored. I could feel it, I swear I did. The last time he looked at me he sent me hope, love and victory. One week later he was gone, he never woke up.

I felt guilty for many many months, "I should have seen it coming, I should have thought this and that". I punish myself for not saying "I love you". I should!!!! Why I didn't????? 

As Brad wisely said, " everything you did, you did out of love and compassion". I didn't say it, I hope to seeing him again. I love him. I still do. And he knows. 

 

[hollowheart]

Darrell, I am also sorry for your loss and sorry you need to be here.  Always remember how you feel is how you feel. You are not going crazy and you are not overreacting, even though you may feel that way. You are fresh in your grief and it is overwhelming, painful, agonizing and unbearable. I know you are just putting one foot in front of the other right now and that's all you can expect of yourself. 

Reading your story it reminded me of me and my sister. She was my best friend and  we did everything together and like you, I also wonder how I will carry on when so much reminds me of her daily. Right now I'm just moving through life and trying not to think about the future. 

This may sound stupid but let the grief take you where it needs to. If you try to avoid it or push yourself to be "over it" to fast you will crash even harder. I also have immense guilt and I don't think it will ever go away. I fully believe I contributed to her death. I don't think anyone can tell you how to deal with that. I know the advice I got didn't work.  But I was once told "give your sister credit for loving you as much as you love her" and I think you should give your beautiful Andrea credit for loving you and knowing you wanted to encourage her and calm her fears. That's because you love her and you needn't feel guilty for that. 

[WolfsKat]

Dear Darrell

Welcome to this forum....and  my sincere sympathy that there is a need for it.  Your grief is so new, so very raw right now....it can feel totally bewildering, frightening, surreal.....it's as if you just cannot wrap your brain around the totality of the loss. You'll go over and over those last days, thinking that there is SOMETHING you could have/should have done differently....the answer to that, has to be NO. You did exactly what felt right at the time, with the purest of intentions.....so,  you should not beat yourself up with guilt.  We all have too many painful emotions to deal with....guilt should be dropped from those, immediately.  Try not to think, too far, into the new and now, intimidating future without your Andrea....of course, everything will be colored with your memories of her....but in time, it will become easier. You'll eventually rebuild your life, because you, none of us really, have no other choice than to do so.  The hardest part is making a life without the ones we lost....the absence of them claws at our souls.....it can seem very daunting to build this "new" life....when it is taking place in a future we don't like living in, now.  I've got no "magic answers".....none of us do....but much good advice and caring in the previous posts.  There are also many good articles and links also.  Grief is not "one size fits all"....so each of us have to find our own way to deal with it in a way that works for us.....but the tools are available for help....and some things are quite common among us, there you can realize that any feelings, thoughts, fears....are "normal".  No one here will EVER judge you.....all I've found is compassion, and a lot of wisdom, and it helps me to come to this site, very much.  Please come back as often as you need or wish to......you'll always be welcomed!  Peace.

[Darrell]

Thank you for all of your beautiful messages. It's clear to me that you are all very special people.

I was wondering if you have had trouble staying in your house/apartment after your spouse's/partner's passing, especially if it was just you and your spouse/partner living there? 

I'm at my parent's place right now... I'm dreading the move back to the apartment. What has been your experience with this? 

Thanks. 

[Gwenivere]

That is definitely hard.  I know for me the house became so silent.  It wasn't so much his things being here, but the life force I was so used made things feel so cold.  It was just us and our dogs and I am grateful I have them.  I cannot imagine no life in the house.  I still struggle with it at 14 months.  I know that will sound discouraging, but the loss of our partners is such a deep loss it changes the world as we knew it.  I had no where else to go and doubt I would have.  It was hard enough losing my husband to add being somewhere that was not my home.  But as you will find, we all approach this differently in hopes it is the best way for us.  I understand your dread.  She will not be there.  Her things will be and they carry memories.  It will be painful.  Only you will know when you can face trying it.  I'm so sorry about your loss.  I hope you find the compassion of all the people here helpful as you begin this journey nine if us want to be on.  But you are not alone here.  We all understand unlike people you may be around that cannot.  Hopefully you will find that everything you feel, do someone here has too.  

[Margm]

Darrell, if I had a magic lamp, I would be out of this house right now.  I have a lot of family with me most of the time.  But, putting the house on the market will be all up to me.  We had bought the new RV last March and had begun fixing the house up to put on the market.  Right now, all I want is to leave and never come back here.  I will miss my neighbor, but I will not miss Arkansas. One of the hardest things I had to do was come back to this empty house.  

[WolfsKat]

8 hours ago, Darrell said:

Thank you for all of your beautiful messages. It's clear to me that you are all very special people.

I was wondering if you have had trouble staying in your house/apartment after your spouse's/partner's passing, especially if it was just you and your spouse/partner living there? 

I'm at my parent's place right now... I'm dreading the move back to the apartment. What has been your experience with this? 

Thanks. 

Dear Darrell

I dreaded the return to my home, also....just the thought of walking in, the first time, knowing my Connor would never, ever be coming back here, terrified me.  Luckily, 2 of my closest friends came with me, one even spent the night.....just to be sure I'd not have to deal with that initial pain alone.  I won't lie to you....it was hard. All of his things, right where he'd left them.....still his clothing in the laundry hamper....his side of the bed still rumpled.  All of the traces of him....but he was gone, forever. Everywhere I turned, I'd find some reminder of him, it seemed....and it sliced into my soul.  After a while, it became a bit easier....sometimes even comforting, to be in the place we'd made a home in. I'm still here, now.  Eventually, slowly, I began the rather awful process of sorting through things.....I had it in my mind that I wanted to find things of his that had meaning to him, to be given to close friends and his siblings as a remembrance of  Connor.  Of course, the things that were dearest to me I will keep forever.  I donated much of his clothing to a organization that assists homeless veterans (he was a Navy vet) as I just could not bear looking at his clothing hanging next to mine, each and every morning. Darrell....you are the only one who truly knows how best you want to do this. I'd definitely encourage you to not go back to your apartment alone the first time....have a close friend, or family member with you. It's not going to be easy, but nothing in this terrible experience of grieving is. Some people get comfort from staying where they had a home with the one they lost....others find it a continual heartache.  It will take time for you to know into which of those groups you are. A note of caution....my first thought was to flee....just have someone pack up everything for me....get another place, a place with no reminders.  My sister gently talked me "down" from that panicked idea.  She accurately realized that I was trying to run & escape from the pain of it all.....and the pain would've just went with me.  She was correct....it would've been a huge mistake if I'd done that.  I would tell you.....give it time...if after moving back in for a while, you truly feel as if it would be better for you to start anew in a different place, then do so. But do that in a thoughtful, considered, and rational way......don't let anyone pressure you....and especially, do not pressure yourself. Only you will know what is right for you. Peace.

[Guest]

Darrell,

When my wife died we were living in an apartment in Mesa; we also had a house in Pinetop we had been living in for twenty-seven years but because of her cancer she was not able to tolerate the 7,000 ft. elevation.  I went back to Pinetop shortly after her death.  Three weeks later I went to the apartment and knew immediately I would not be able to stay there.  I kept it for another month while I cleared it out and have not regretted letting it go.  I fully appreciate your dread with going back to the apartment.  For me the apartment was a place of cancer; our home was a place of joy; it was where we raised our kids.  I feel Deedo in every room in the house.  While now the house is no longer a home it is a place where I see Deedo everywhere I look and I like that.

[Guest Janka]

5 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

Some people get comfort from staying where they had a home with the one they lost....

Dear Darrell!

This is how I feel from those first seconds I got to know that my beloved man Jan died till these seconds I´m writing now and here.This place of me and my beloved Jan is sacred for me as long as I can stay,because the flat I live in isn´t mine and I´m aware of that I´ll have to leave one day,hoping that I´ll be with my beloved one till then,otherwise I can´t imagine where I´ll go then.You´re lucky that you have a precious family close to you,because I have no real family for helping me through all of this,just the God,the best friends of mine and people here helping me as much as possible by now.

My beloved Jan is always by my side loving me and helping me until we meet again...in the heaven...for eternity...

Hugs from Janka