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hollowheart

Just Tired

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This week I have just been so exhausted. I know it's grief, but I think it's just a combination of a lot of things. I'm just tired of this life, and I think I take my sleeping pills to late and they carry over into the next day.

But also I feel that around certain people, especially at work, I have to come up with every excuse in the book as to why I'm tired or not in the mood or just not feeling the day. I know our situations make people uncomfortable, but it also makes me annoyed with people about it.

There is this very nice lady at work, and she joked with me yesterday about what was I going to complain about today. And I thought 'oh, great, that's who I am now? The old complaining lady at work?"  I know she meant it in a funny way, but it did bother me a little. And when I say it's a bad day for me she will joke and go 'what did this ever do to you? You should be nice to today"  and it can be a little funny for a second, but mostly I feel like I have to bring up another reason why I'm having a bad day and I shouldn't have to.

I don't know. It's just tiring to have to keep on a poker face on such an un-fixable problem.

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That is exactly the story of my life. I feel miserable everyday. It is a combination of alot of stuff but yes, mainly grief.

I have to daily come with excuses why I am so sad right in the morning. I just feel like coming back home. 

I jus get plain angry that I have to answer people around me like you and they think I am being negative.

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Exactly, Virgo. The idea that I'm trying to be negative makes me angry and therefore look even MORE negative. I can't snap my fingers at the door and turn into Rainbow Brite. I don't even want too.

I think about all about how just about everything fun I did or looked forward to doing involved my sister, Denise. So how am I supposed to enjoy this life? To have to suddenly recreate a solo mission for the rest of my life is not easy or fun. And yes, it does have an effect on my attitude because I have no one to talk to to get my complaints, good or bad out. We all know what holding things in side does.

And it's not all about just someone to complain too, I don't like complaining all day. But when I"m around people it makes me miss my sister that much more because I miss what we had together, what we loved to do together. It's also very depressing to know you will never have that again. That's not easy to get past.

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