WolfsKat Posted January 8, 2016 Report Share Posted January 8, 2016 All of you, I'm certain, have at one time had all of the commonplace, and useless platitudes said to us since we became "the bereaved". I recall one of our members stating something to the effect that if she heard someone telling her, just ONE more time, to "move on" and "choose" to be happy......she was going to lose it! While most of us KNOW, quite well....that the people offering these so-called condolences, or "advice", are well meaning, that does not lessen our pain/anger/weariness at hearing unwanted, unwelcomed comments. Since Connor's passing, I've actually told (gently) a number of my friends that those sayings, clichés, etc. are, in fact, sometimes having the opposite "desired effect" than they hoped for/intended.. I let them know, that at one time in my own life....I'd said the same things, and I harbored no ill feelings for it towards them.....but, with my "new knowledge", I felt I should share this with them, in the hopes that it will assist them in dealing with another bereaved person in the future. One of my long-time friends is actually a minister, and he was appalled that he'd not realized how UN-helpful some of his condolences were! I shared a few of Marty's links with him (regarding what to do/not do, say/not say), and he was truly grateful....said it would be of much assistance to him in his ministry. I could've just fumed in silence.....or tried to shrug it all off.....but, by doing these things, I feel as if I am helping others to understand, and spare future grieving persons from having to deal with those well meaning, but totally useless phrases!!! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 8, 2016 Report Share Posted January 8, 2016 4 hours ago, WolfsKat said: I could've just fumed in silence.....or tried to shrug it all off.....but, by doing these things, I feel as if I am helping others to understand, and spare future grieving persons from having to deal with those well meaning, but totally useless phrases!!! That's the way to do it, Kat. If we don't start telling people how this affects us, we can't complain about. It took time for me to reach that point, but more so because I had to have realized myself that good intentions often go awry. I've had tremendous results just being honest with people. It really doesn't matter if they truly 'get it', what matters is they respect our wishes and fur us to keep friends we may have lost because we said nothing. If someone cuts us off because of our request, what are we really losing anyway? Part of this journey is educating others we are around. And who knows? Perhaps down the line they will thank us because they got a head up and can fend this off sooner fir themselves. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted January 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2016 9 hours ago, Gwenivere said: Perhaps down the line they will thank us because they got a head up and can fend this off sooner fir themselves. Gwen......Yes! I actually had not even thought of that particular scenario....if this same loss happened to them in the future! Thank you so much for pointing that out....you are so right! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 8, 2016 Report Share Posted January 8, 2016 I'm sure I have said one or two of those in the past, though I usually stopped at "I'm sorry for your loss" which I remember reading that is not a good thing to say either. But I don't think that's true. Anyway, I know I am and have fumed in silence. You reminded me that is not a good thing to do. I have forgiven and tried to forgive friends who either disappeared or said the wrong thing. I realized that most don't know what to say because they know they can't give you what you really need and want. I get that. I know I was a bit mean about it because a few times they came off as "orders" and "duties" as someone mentioned here, so it is a good idea to gently let people know what they say isn't working and not just that, but to say what we really want, which is for someone to listen, let us vent and even agree with us to a degree. It's not always about solutions and suggestions. I don't think they realize that either. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 8, 2016 Report Share Posted January 8, 2016 While it IS true that you have to choose to be happy, there is a time when that is impossible and that time is early grief. You will know when that choice is available to you and hopefully make that choice. That doesn't mean you will cease to miss your spouse, because you never will. Instead, that underlying sadness at missing him/her will learn to coexist with the trying to appreciate what still is in this moment (grandkids, beauty, loving friends or family, etc.). I remember in the early days many of us having difficulty smiling or laughing, as if we were, by so doing, leaving our grief behind and thus distancing us from the one we miss. We had to learn that to smile or laugh is okay, desirable even, and it does NOT put distance between us and our loved one, it does not leave them behind at all, but rather embraces what still is in life and we needn't feel guilty for doing so...we had to give ourselves permission to smile again. All of these are things we learn in this journey, it's making our way through the many lessons grief teaches us. Sometimes, especially to early grievers, rather than saying something stupid to them (and most of what comes out of someone's mouth can be interpreted as such), it's important to just BE there for them, to listen to them, to care. A hug, doing a chore left undone by their loved one, sitting with the griever, these are the things that mean so much. My daughter was great in those early days, she was THERE for me, she made phone calls to people, she brought me food and water (which probably would not have occurred to me otherwise), she said encouraging words, she slept beside me, she went to buy groceries for me. There came a day when she had to go back to her life, and then it was time for me to make my way through this alone. To those who are fortunate, they will have friends there for them...I was not so lucky as mine all disappeared. I had this site and I don't know what I would have done without it. Here we vented, cried, shared what we learned, and helped each other through our journeys. That is what I hope for, for each of you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted January 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2016 Oh Kay.....so much wisdom (hard earned by you) in what you wrote! You are so correct....when someone is in the early days, there is absolutely NO way people can expect you to be "happy". At that time the mere thought of happiness without the one we've lost IS impossible! I rejected the idea of it.....I could find nothing to take happiness, or pleasure in, at all. I would even skip taking my prescribed pain medications, as if I deserved the resulting pain....overdrinking and smoking waaaaaay too much.....a form of self-punishment? I was closely hugging my grief to me, not allowing anything to help me feel "better". For the most part, after 11 weeks, the worst of this has passed (I hope). While I still find it difficult to take a lot of pleasure in my life right now....for my own sanity, and for the sake of my family, and in honor of my beloved husband, I will continue to work towards making a new life that may hold happiness for me in it. Thanks, Kay......your insights are always wonderful! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 8, 2016 Report Share Posted January 8, 2016 It sounds like you have had to give yourself permission to smile, as if deviating from the pain one tiny bit would take you further away from your loved one. I'm glad you are making the choice to "continue to work towards making a life that may hold happiness in it for you". It IS a deliberate choice, not easy to do, but vital in our journey. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted January 10, 2016 Report Share Posted January 10, 2016 If your able to sleep at night, eat when your hungry, and control your Grief bursts(you still have them, but you turn away), chances are you are past the worst........All we have now is the existing part with "our Health intact".....I'm following up with yesterdays plan, cleaning and moving junk out,,,,,, must be feeling better, ate most of a Pizza. during first football game.....totally forbidden fruit.......approaching 6 month milestone 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 10, 2016 Report Share Posted January 10, 2016 You are lucky I wasn't around, I love pizza! I can't buy it anymore because it's too much carbs and fats but I sure miss it, great comfort food! What football game are you watching? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted January 10, 2016 Report Share Posted January 10, 2016 KC beat Houston handily..........WildCard.........Pitt is playing Cinci now...in the Rain I'm not supposed to eat Pizza for all the reasons you mentioned.......It was left over from New Years....rising crust frozen job......it was real good....over 1800 calories, I feel so guilty, but I'm still smiling.......weather warm(33-35) and no snow..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 10, 2016 Report Share Posted January 10, 2016 Seahawks play Minnesota tomorrow. Temp is supposed to be 5 degrees with wind chill of -12. I may have to record the game to see if people can tolerate that kind of cold and how the actual football is handled when it will become rock hard. For the millions these guys get paid, looks like they are really going to be earning that money. Go Hawks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 11, 2016 Report Share Posted January 11, 2016 I love it! Feeling guilty but still smiling... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JHCP Posted January 17, 2016 Report Share Posted January 17, 2016 Hey I really could use the what to do/not to do stuff you mentioned in your first post to this thread! I tried searching for it but couldn't find it on my own. It would be helpful for me to help someone close to me understand and be more supportive. Do you mind sharing with me what you shared with your friends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 17, 2016 Report Share Posted January 17, 2016 The two "friends" that didn't show up for George's funeral, I confronted them about it, how much it'd hurt me that they didn't bother to come, that I would have been there for them if situations reversed, etc. It was never the same after they did this. I guess some people are all about self! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 17, 2016 Report Share Posted January 17, 2016 More suggestions for the "what to do/not to do stuff" can be found here: Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations (including the Related Articles listed at the base) Words to Avoid When Comforting The Bereaved Words of Comfort For The Person in Mourning Helping Another in Grief 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 18, 2016 Report Share Posted January 18, 2016 I had a friend tell me a couple days ago "at least you have memories" I though of this thread and told her not to say that. She was sorry and understood that was a bad thing to say. Being on the receiving end of that sounds awful. I don't know where these cliche things come from. As if having memories makes losing them okay. "I have that good memory from 1994, so I don't miss them anymore!" She also said I was good to have her as long as I did. No, it was not long enough. I have potentially 40 + years WITHOUT her. Imagine all I will miss in that time? If I was 90 right now I could accept that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 18, 2016 Report Share Posted January 18, 2016 Well, Marty, I guess I "looked to others". I don't feel that not showing up at a funeral or being there for you at all is a friend...at least not the kind I want. It's not the kind I am to others either. *Re: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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