Today was bad

[Mom's angel]

Going to college is not easy, doing the same routine work without mom is not easy, getting up from the bed, getting dressed up and all that is not easy but somehow I do that. I'm studying about things related to the cause of my mother's death and I don't know how will I be able to focus on my studies. Inspite of all this I somehow manage to go but today was bad .I was feeling low the whole day and then we had one lecture in literature.. It was a poem about how the spirit of a dead women was able to see her funeral and what she felt. Sitting in the class I was at the verge of breaking down, it was like if someone would have asked "are you OK?" I would have started howling right there.
I was literally shaking when the 'after death' poem was selected and to add a little extra to the topic the lecturer was going deep in the death topic. They were all joking about how can the women write a poem after she's dead and joking about death, It was killing me inside.
I don't know why but every word I listen to somehow leads to the grief of losing my mom.

[WolfsKat]

1 hour ago, Mom's angel said:

Going to college is not easy, doing the same routine work without mom is not easy, getting up from the bed, getting dressed up and all that is not easy but somehow I do that. I'm studying about things related to the cause of my mother's death and I don't know how will I be able to focus on my studies. Inspite of all this I somehow manage to go but today was bad .I was feeling low the whole day and then we had one lecture in literature.. It was a poem about how the spirit of a dead women was able to see her funeral and what she felt. Sitting in the class I was at the verge of breaking down, it was like if someone would have asked "are you OK?" I would have started howling right there.
I was literally shaking when the 'after death' poem was selected and to add a little extra to the topic the lecturer was going deep in the death topic. They were all joking about how can the women write a poem after she's dead and joking about death, It was killing me inside.
I don't know why but every word I listen to somehow leads to the grief of losing my mom.

Oh, that had to be so, so very difficult for you!  Of course, I am sure the lecturer had no clue that this would be distressing for you....but, it had to be devastating!  I can barely fathom that you were able to manage to keep some composure and continue to sit through that....but you did, and that is something to be proud of....you DID get through it. As for the joking about death.....some will do that, and that is actually their fear of it speaking, it can make people uncomfortable to speak of death, so they use "humor" as a defense. I am so glad that you are managing to continue your studies with all that you've had to contend with, your Mum raised a bright, strong young lady, and I am sure she is still looking upon you with pride!  Best wishes, dear, I hope you will have better days soon.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you had to go through that.  I think I would have stood up and said, I'm sorry, I just lost my mom, and then left the room.  Death is not a laughable matter and especially to the new griever.

[MartyT]

If and when you feel up to it, angel, you might ask to speak to the instructor privately ~ and then let the teacher know of the recent death of your mother, and how the content of this particular lecture affected you. Maybe you can turn this experience into a valuable lesson for your teacher, who could learn to be more aware of and sensitive to what the students in the class may be struggling with in their own lives. At the very least, it seems to me he (she) could have given the class a notice beforehand that some of the material might be upsetting to those who had experienced a recent death in the family. 

[Mom's angel]

Thank you so much Wolfskat for those kind words.. They really made me feel better. Thank you again. I don't like to tell people (who know me a little) about my mom's death so I try to be very strong, its like I'm have two personality one for the world and the other one I'm when I'm home.
Many of the classmates asked me "where have you been so many day? Were you on holidays?" 
If find saying 'yes' easier than explaining what has happend.

Kayc I so wanted to get up and go out.. At two moments I was so ready to run away then I controlled myself,I didn't wanted to do so in front of the whole class, half of them don't even know about my mom's death and I don't even want to tell them as I have seen a change in their behavior, they look at me with sympathy, they pity me and I don't like that. 

Marty I even thought about telling her as she was a visiting faculty and didn't know about that, but then I thought that this is just one situation from which I'm able to run but what if there might come situations were I have to face it.., 
Then I thought about my mom, she would never want to see her girl run away from difficulties. I don't know if I felt right or wrong but it gave me strength to sit there.

She is a good lecturer, if my mom was alive and my life was normal then that same lecture would have been normal for me too, may be their situations were right, their life's are perfect, 
They don't think about the death side, may be they won't feel the pain, it was my situation that made it so hard for me,.

I somehow blame god more then I blame people. That poetry could have been taught when I was absent for so many day, she could have chosen any other poem but I feel like god made her choose that one only. I know I shouldn't blame god, he'll keep my mom safely in heaven, but I don't find any other reason.

Sorry, I know I'm messing up, but my mind is all messed up. 

[kayc]

I'm sorry you see it as running away.  I see it as calling needed attention to inappropriate behavior/discussion.  A professor should know better, whether they know what any of you are going through or not.

It's easier to blame God.  I don't see Him as responsible for everything that goes on in the world.  The visiting professor chose what to speak on and how to deliver it, that makes them responsible.

Wolfskat's response was very insightful, I read her response after I wrote mine.  Maybe I was way off in my response, but I just wrote what I would do under the same situation.